July 31, 2006

All hail The Holy Number Nine

Move over and scuttle away back to France, you peroxide-haired whiney pretender, and make way for the true rightful owner of the Sacred Number Nine shirt of Anfield:

All hail The Holy Number Nine.

Why do we worship thee? Please go read Lily.

Kickabouts and Drinkalots

Got a couple of annoucnements here regarding some Hantu Bola meet-ups:

First up, we have the eagerly awaited (by KY most of all) Second Hantu Bola Futsal Meet!


Date: Thursday (3rd August)
Time: 8-9pm
Venue: Footy Futsal, Taman Megah, PJ (thanks to 9 for the booking)


the second announcement will probably be more to sic6sense and Tigerjoe's liking:


Date: August 13
Time: 7:30pm onwards
Venue: SOULed Out, Sri Hartamas

As usual, sapa mau pegi either event, please comment fast fast so we know who's coming.

July 29, 2006

Suckers United

Michael Carrick:

WEST HAM to SPURS = £2.75 million


Can anyone say the word S.U.C.K.E.R.S????

With the money they got from the sale, I reckon Jol will be able to buy at least three good players, AND get Spurs into the Champions' League spot AHEAD of Manure United (but behind Liverpool, of course. heh)

Overused quotes in player transfers

When a player moves to a 'bigger' club, he would say.....
  • 'It is a dream come true'....
  • 'I have always wanted to come play for this club'....
  • 'This is the best club in the world'....
  • 'I've supported this club since I was a little boy'....
  • 'This club has the best players in the world'....
  • 'It has such an illustrious history, this club'....
  • 'The manager is the best in the world'....
  • 'The fans here are fantastic and are very passionate about football'....
  • 'The league is the best in the world'....
Future quotes
  • 'The showers are the best in the world'...
  • 'The boys here have a fantastic sense of underwear fashion'...
  • 'The "mood" in the changing room is "electric"...'
  • 'My pet cat likes it here'....
  • 'The fans here are the sexiest. Even the females!'...
  • 'My parents always wanted me to get more money to buy them more stuff'...
  • 'My wife/girlfriend/mistress/granny lover/boyfriend promised me more 'lucky nights"...'.
  • 'Benchwarming is a noble profession'.

July 28, 2006

FINALLY! Man Utd signs a player...


You know the saying, better late than never? Well, finally, we Red Devils have something to look forward to this coming season.

Carrick to be confirmed as £18m United buy

Who fancies a bet he will take shirt number 10? ;)

p.s. By the way, the new retro Man Utd kit is damn ugly. Why can't they do something like the one in 1998/1999 season? I'm going to skip buying this season's jersey.

Paulo Maldini to Join Bolton?!

Ah, the pre-season. Where the rumor mill goes in extra time and penalties. Getting a bit tired of waiting for the first match. Ok, then, let's make some predictions. Not putting my money on any of them yet, though.

  • Wenger buys some pint-sized unknown African teenager from a backwater French /Belgian second division club and soon, after just 4 matches labels, him the next Vieira / Bergkamp / A.Hole.

  • Ipswich qualifies for playoffs. And loses. Again.

  • Man U pays exorbitant amount for overpriced and overhyped striker to fill the gap and partner sickboys Saha / Rooney / Solskjaer.

  • Chelsea says they have enough new signings for the season. And goes and buy another 20million player to warm the bench for the whole of next season. (Well, look at it this way, this time next year, the other clubs can buy him off at cut rate price because he 'wants regular football' and 'wants to enhance his England chances'.)

  • Mourinho says it'll be tougher to win the championship this year as the other top teams have close the gap between them. And them proceeds to win the league 34-3-1 again. (Yeah, I know, it pains me to say it.)

  • Glenn Roeder gets @$$ fired after sometime in February after dismal first half of campaign due to serious injury problems and 'European qualifying chances in jeopardy'. Shearer's name is again kicked about like Owen during the World Cup. Not to mention Martin O'Neill's.

  • Wigan / Watford / Reading / Sheffield gets good run in League Cup, prompting tired cliches from press like 'fairy tale run' and 'cup magic'. Only to get crushed by Man U / Chelsea / Liverpool / Arsenal reserves in final / semis.

  • Sordid details of Steve McClaren's one night stand with meter maid back in 1984 exposed in newspapers. After 3 weeks of silence, FA backs McClaren as 'still be best man for the job'. (Ah? Scolari? Who?)

  • Paul Jewell moans about difficulty of small teams to get a penalty at Old Trafford.

  • Sam Allardyce signs one of the following during the January transfer window: Ali Daei, Teddy Sheringham, Ray Parlour, Andy Cole, Paulo Maldini (wait, scratch that last one).

Okay, fine. Most of them won't come true. But it's a slow day for me.

July 27, 2006

Err.. who's the gay football team again?

Surely not the one with these players.


Complete picture of GOD's greatness here

The Racist with the Fist

The Alkie with the Bulge (fuyyooo)

Doesn't sound like a gay club to me.

I would have thought the gay club honour should go to the only club with a tranny in their line-up.

Miss Thing

I hereby nominate Manchester United as the New Gay Club of Season 2006/2007 :D

You'll Never Fight Alone!

Robbie Fowler.
Craig Bellamy.
and now Jermaine Pennant.


Now all we need is Lee Bowyer, Kieron Dyer and Robbie Savage; and we'll have a team that can terrorize pubs.. er.. I mean, TEAMS all over Europe!

Now who fancies a kick to the teeth?

PS: Speaking of kicks to the teeth, I wonder what fans and players of Lecce and Treviso must be thinking now, having seen their club relegated to Serie B, reinstated to Serie A, and then unceremoniously kicked back down to Serie B again.

That whole appeals thing is a fucking cop-out I tell you. Already give the punishments, STICK WITH IT LAR.

a footy bedtime story

Let me tell you a story today. It is a true story, and it happened almost twenty years ago.

The year was 1986, the occasion was the Malaysia Cup final. Selangor versus Johor.

The latter had won the Malaysia Cup in the previous year, beating KL 2-0. One of the goals was scored by their goalkeeper, Salleh Mohd Noor. The Johor goalie had kicked the ball into play after making a save, and the ball had gone up and up before coming down. KL's goalie, Rashid Hassan, got caught in no man's land when the ball landed and bounced right over him and into goal. All that was in 1985 though, and not the subject of today's tale.

In the 1986 final, Salleh Mohd Noor took up his regular place in the Johor goalmouth. They took the lead from a goal in the first half, but not through their goalie's kicking ability. Selangor applied tremendous pressure after that to get back into the game; and shortly before halftime Razali Alias equalised with a 35-yard volley after the Johor defence had cleared the ball away from a corner.

Halftime score: 1-1.

The second half started at the same tempo as the latter part of the first. Tackles came in fierce and hard, attacks and counter-attacks were launched end to end. The match was turning into one of those classics that one should videotape for posterity. Yes, young ones, DVD and VCD technology didn't exist at the time. But I digress.

As the second half wore on, disaster then struck Johor. Salleh Mohd Noor had gotten injured during a goalmouth melee. The physio and medics attended to him beside the Johor goal as best they could, but he couldn't continue.

Enter Ramli Dol, the substitute goalie for Johor, making his first appearance on the pitch for that season. There was about a quarter of an hour to go, and the commentators were talking about extra time and penalties. They mentioned a number of different factors that might affect the outcome of the match, but they neglected one crucial element: The Ramli Dol Factor.

Ramli Dol let in five goals in the time that he was on the pitch. One of those goals was a grounder that looked to be a harmless speculative shot; until it rolled through his arms, under his body, between his legs and kept rolling into goal.

Fulltime score: 6-1. Selangor claimed the Malaysia Cup for 1986.

Such are the ways that legends are made. Such was the way that the Legend of Ramli Dol came into being.

July 26, 2006

Abnormal News #01

Foreword by Din: You never know what can happen in future. ;)

LONDON, April 22 2007 (Hantubola News Network) - Manchester United Captain Gary Neville said on Sunday following their record 17-1 victory over Middlesborough in the Premier League that they must not get too overconfident on winning the title, though they are 10 points clear of second placed Portsmouth with 4 games left to play.

'We must keep our heads in the game and not let people go and make preparations to celebrate yet. We still have not won the title as yet remember?,' said the inspirational captain. 'You must know that to assume is to make an ass out of you and me'.

When asked about the chances of Liverpool to avoid the drop to the English First Division, he said,' That doesn't concern me at all. You must know by now I do not have time to talk about non-issues. Plus, there isn't much to say when you see they only mustered 19 points this season and seeing they are among the last in the table'.

Captain Neville refused to talk more about Liverpool, when earlier this week it was revealed that Steven Gerrard wants to transfer to Manchester United to serve as a ballboy. Liverpool are currently facing the bright chance of relagation, along with Totenham (19th) and West Ham (20th). Hantubola News Network predicts gloomy days ahead for Liverpool in the English First Division as they next face Portsmouth (2nd), Fulham (4th) and Charlton (7th).

Manchester United manager Roy Keane, when contacted about their chances in the FA Cup and UEFA Champions League had a few words to say. 'Bugger off, I'm drunk and I need to punch a girl'.

Elsewhere, Chelsea have recently completed their Voluntarity Separation Scheme after 3 months of the exercise. Roman Abromovich said that the players like Ballack, Terry, Cech, Lampard and Makalele were excited about the prospects of leaving to play in the exciting leagues of Japan, Korea, Ghana, Thailand and Malaysia. Chelsea, currently joint 15th in the league with Arsenal, have announced that they have enlisted the services of pimply faced middle-school dropouts in a bid to challenge possible winners Manchester United next season. 'We are super excited at the wonderful prospect of the great dropouts. It's our way of doing community service, better let them play football than to wander around the back alleys of London high on marijuana' he said as he took in a sniff of cocaine. 'Wonderful!'

At St James' Park, newly appointed manager Alan Shearer said they are still waiting for the arrival of their new Malaysian defender. They are still not too sure who the person is. 'You know those bloody reality programs, they always announce their winner at the last minute. The final show in on next week on (Malaysian) Astro Channel 15,' he said. 'Till then, all you can do is speculate, that's what you idiots in the media do all the time'. Alan Shearer then ran out of the room trying to evade a pack of angry journalists, with his trademark one arm raised in air.

The 2006/2007 season of the English Premier League draws to a close on May 13th.

p.s. Today was a slow day at work. So?

p.s.2 Oh yeah, all of the above are fictional. ;)

Taking Over The BeckhEMPIRE!!

It's off-season now. All we heard so far after the WC are clubs buying players, teams being relegated, Crespo waiting for his much wanted "release" and yadaa yadaa yadaa.

Not to forget, with D.Beckham stepping down from his post as captain, the marketing moomoos are coming up with contingency plans (already) to replace their $$Cow$$ icon. I guess they need to cash in on a new pair of Ken & Barbie Kenneth & Barbara should or if the BeckhEMPIRE reach its declining stage.

So far, a little bat told me that these marketing people are considering Ashley & Cheryl Cole. Ahemz. You think? Well, I think Cheryl Tweedy is fine. She didn't make it to no.6 in FHM UK for nothing, did she? If they had a WAGs poll, Tweedy will definitely lead the bitches. I don't mean "bitches" in a rude manner but it just so happen that WAGs also stand for Wisconsin Academy for Graduate Service dogs. Anyway, on to Cole the A.Hole. Well, look wise, he's not even close to good looking Beckham for goodness sake. Just looking at his face would make you wanna turn his face to look like biskut-marie-kena-tumbuk. And as for his personality, he definitely does not have a shiny halo over his head, not even a rusted one. So it's 50/50 (for now) for the Coles.

Next up, we have Looney Rooney and hoho-Coleen. I do not think Coleen is FINE and no parent would want their kids to make Rooney a role model. Even though Rooney (to me) doesn't really have a punchball face but he still has this very evil in a budak-budak way look, which I find quite funny in a weirdly annoying way. Oh, and Coleen aspires to be a singer. WOWee. Haven't she learnt from Victoria or Cheryl? Judging from her properous size, I don't think she learnt anything. Anyway, Spice Girls may have had their glory days and so have Girls Aloud but Coleen McLoughlin on solo? It's not gonna work. Not even if she's having vocal training with Atomic Kitten's voice coach. Where on the chart is Atomic Kitten now?

With such limited choices, I think the Coles will make the final cut (effortless) unless you guys have others in mind. Just this time (only this, ok?), I would very much prefer for the Becks to stay. I cannot imagine anyone else who can make it into marketing journals as often and as interestingly as they did (horrible voices, scandals and all).

p/s-kay : This might be a Hooligan blog but a lil celebrity gossip to spice up the blog a lil during off-season won't hurt, RIGHT? *winks*

July 25, 2006

The Strange Silence Of the Head Hantus

While Din has been happily revelling in his new-found status as a Hantu Kecik, us Head Hantus have been busy fixing the temp... er.... working. yes, that's right.

Besides, it's off season now, and we're saving all our bullets for when the Season starts. Talking about transfers all the time also boring lar. God knows we've had enough on Soccernet and everywhere else already.

I can actually think of a few things I could blog about here, like:

But I damn malas wanna think lar. Never mind I already spent all the time slotting in all those little blue links in strategic parts of the sentences above.

Hehe. Now, Anyone wanna organise the next Futsal meet?

Why Malaysian Football is Irrelevant

I was surfing around for football news on the ever-reliable but hopelessly named Soccernet, when it dawned upon me that I have Zero Knowledge about what is happening in my own country.

The last thing I remember about Malaysian Football is..... Johor FC became Johor's latest football club.

-_-". Yeah, I know, that was a really long time ago!

So, like a madman armed with a keyboard, I frantically typed in http://thestar.com.my (because I was dead sure Soccernet can't possibly have news from the 146th-ranked country in the world right?) and immediately clicked the Sports button, and clicked the first Malaysian football related news I saw.

This one.

Telekom not losing sleep over Zainal’s absence

Then, after reading that bloody boring article I was thinking to myself.
  • Since when was there a team called Malacca Telekom?
  • Kedah are the new Premier League champions?
  • Wow, there is a stadium in Malacca called Hang Jebat Stadium! Guess pretty soon we will have a Puteri Gunung Ledang Fitness Centre.
  • So....many....local....player's names ......I....don't.....know....how..... they.....look.....like....
  • Super League, Premier League, Malaysia Cup, FA Cup....wah, so many competitions. How many teams are there in Malaysia again?


I seem to know a lot more about English, Spanish, Italian, German and even the Scootish Leagues, but how come I don't know what is happening in my home country?


So to keep in with Malaysian tradition (as we learnt from the Parliament), one party asks the uninteresting question and the other will give a stupid answer. What stupid answer can I possibly come up with today?

Shebby not contributing enough to the local scene?

Hmmm, not stupid enough.

FAM not sending local players to the above mentioned leagues?

Hmmm, still not stupid enough.

Ah! I know! Soccernet doesn't give us enough Malaysian Football News!

Definately sounds stupid enough. :)

p.s. Maybe I'll start watching local footie if MyTeam competes. Till then, I will just yawn (like how I watch those LiverPoo matches).

July 24, 2006

Toot....Toot....Hello? HantuBola Helpline?

One day, during lunch, the phone rang at the Hantubola Centre for Rehabilitating Footballers. Mr. Din, the VP for Abused Professionals Unit, took the call (since no one else was around in the office).

Crespo: Hello? Hantubola Helpline?

Din: Yeah. Hi. What the hell are you thinking calling in the middle of lunch hour?!

Crespo: Oops, sorry. It's just that I need some help.

Din: Ok, shoot. But first, introduce yourself.

Crespo: Mi name is Hernan Crespo, and mi play for Chelski.

Din: Ooooooh....that sounds bad.

Crespo: I know. There is worse to come. I need help.

Din: Shoot.

Crespo: Err...OK..you see, I miss Italia very muchos. But mi master da great billionaire Roman$ Abramobitch$ don't wanna let mi go!

Din: Fill out an annual leave application lah. Or you can call in sick for a few days and sneak your way there.

Crespo: No no no Sir! I want to go back and play in Italia Serie A! I want my Argentinian ass to go and play there!

Din: Man, that sounds gay. But what's stopping you? Tell your boss you want to go lah!

Crespo: But its not easy Sir! The Russian has offered me a house, a private jet and more money, but I told him I simply want to return home!

Din: Woah, you must be kidding me....

Crespo: Sir! I am even willing to take a cut in wages to return to Serie A!

Din: Yeah, you must be desparate. Don't you love being in Chelski?

Crespo: The fact is I love Italy. The money and success don't come into it! Italy is my natural environment, it is the place where I will live when I retire and it is the best place to play.

Din: Yeah, well, I think only time will make you realize that when you wake up one morning after screwing the cat.

Crespo: Senor! Its not that I hate the Russian, but I want a change of scenery.

Din: Go and relocate your bed to the toilet. That's like a whole new world already.

Crespo: Err...ok, i'll try that out. I always wondered how those people in the jail do it.

Din: Good boy.

Crespo: Thank you Sir. But I is telling youse, I am waiting here, hoping my mobile will ring. I can just guarantee that I am a healthy striker with just one wish - to return and play my sort of football. Plus, Elton John hasn't raped me yet.

Din: Ok, whatever. Make sure you keep it fully charged, and don't use it at the petrol stations.

Crespo: Thank you for your wise words Sir! Thank you!

Din: Ok, you're welcome. Now get off the line coz I'm expecting a call from Peter Crouch. That wuss.

For those of you who are still blur, read this...

Crespo desperate to return to Italian football

It's not easy trying to reclaim your soul from a Russian Billionaire.

July 23, 2006

Mmmmmbekkkkkkk.....there seems to be a new name for the Toons

Question : Damien Duff recently completed a move from Chelski to another Premeir League side. Name his new club.

Answer : Why, it has to be Newcatle. MooooOOOOOoooooo! Mmmmmmbekkkkk!

Heheh, apparently that is what Soccernet is telling the World

Duff finally completes Newcatle move

First thing that came to mind upon reading that?

Not quite in stripes, but hey, it is still in their traditional colours of black and white. Maybe they can consider it as their new mascot?

Guess the Comedy Club really wants to preach that laughter is the best medicine. I'm laughing already.

Duff to Newcastle : I'm kambing! Mmmmmbekkkkk!


p.s. Of course I know it's a typo by Soccernet. I'm just exploiting it.

Pics taken from Soccernet.com and Advocates for Animals.

July 22, 2006

DB10 : Goodbye and Thanks for the Memories!

After 11 long and fruitful years, tonight is the night we Gooners pay tribute to the legend known as Dennis Bergkamp.

Bergy signed for us in June 1995, for £7.5m, a record fee for a foreign player then. That's small change to a certain Russian these days. I remember I was around 14 at that time and having followed Serie A a little as well (God knows why), I couldn't believe it when Bruce "who?" Rioch signed him from Inter. Players like this just couldn't possibly sign for "Boring, boring Arsenal"?!!

But he did. And he stayed until the end of the Highbury era. Quite unheard of for a foreign player these days... Come to think of it, its quite unheard of for a certain homegrown player as well...

DB10 did not exactly set the world on fire when he made his debut agains Boro in August 1995. One of the English dailies already took shots at him with the "Bergkamp Watch" feature, counting the days until he becomes and abject failure.

How wrong they were.

It took him 8 games before opening his account against Southampton and 121 spectacular goals later, it fittingly ended on "Dennis Bergkamp Day" against WBA. And when I say spectacular goals, I actually mean SPECTACULAR goals! Who can forget the Leicester city hattrick (which incidentally won 1st, 2nd and 3rd for goal of the month!), the various curlers from the left and right and who can forget THE goal against Newcastle.

It comes as no surprise that Bergkamp's arrival coincided with the Clubs most successful run in history. During his 11 years, the club has been through countless of changes but Bergy remains the one constant. From Ian Wright to Anelka and Henry, the Dutchman was instrumental with the success of all three of his main strike partners, which shows how much he can bring to any team.

In a day that sees the club paying tribute to the non-flying Dutchman, I find it a total and utter disgrace that pre and post match punditry may well be stained with talks off A.Hole leaving the club. Dennis Bergkamp is a model professional, who despite the whinging or two in his 11 years (due to squad rotation), his loyalty was never questioned.

So goodbye Dennis. You have been a great servant to the club and thanks for all the goals and memories.

July 21, 2006

Signs you are out of shape

Yesterday was the day which saw Hantubola's first futsal meet (like you didn't know that already). For many (including myself), the term pancit was quite a polite term to be used for us (especially me). What are the signs you may ask? Think about it. When was the last time you ran? For some, it was a matter of days. Others, weeks. I'm sure nobody last ran months ago. But I last ran 2 years ago. *malu*

  1. The first few seconds started brilliantly. Then as we crossed the 1 minute mark, it was like there was not enough oxygen in the Barn.
  2. You wonder why you are huffing and puffing while your teamates keep on running.
  3. You wonder if the massu... female trio on the bench are secretly recording your pathetic state of fitness.
  4. You bail out after approximately 4-5 minutes, seeking more oxygen...while sitting on the bench.
  5. It suddenly seemed like a rational idea to bail.
I'm definately preparing myself for the next meetup. Till now, I'm feeling various cramps, aches, pains and numbness in various parts of the body that I can be a sports medic's case study. And I had to Yoko-Yoko my back, legs & feet before going to bed.

Maybe I should go and get something more comfortable (like proper futsal shoes) for the next session. I bet it would perform better than my Reebok running shoes.

Here is a tip. Exercise 3 times a week prior to a session of futsal. Then maybe when you are fit, you can boast like a certain 'lubricant' on how you can play futsal today and badminton the next day.

And if you are lucky, you suddenly may find yourself doing the Jogo Bonito like this random dude...


.... Otherwise you might be nursing an injury during your budget meeting at work. Ouch.

And so the Din comes on board.....


I am finally here. Yes! Din has joined Hantubola! *fireworks go up in the air*

What is even better? Din supports Manchester United! *more fireworks go up, this time in Red and White*

I would love to write some stuff, but since I am dead tired out by last night's Futsal Meet, I'm going to copy and paste my Initiation Test letter. Forgive me for my sins of doing a C & P. ;)

- Beginnning of Letter -

OK, here goes.

The name is .... Din (fuyooh, what an opening). I have been blogging for like about 2 years already. When I am not so free to blog, I work as an operations executive at some remote mountain top where people go for relaxing, even though they have to drive tirelessly up and probably suffer an overheated engine. My hobbies include sleeping, watching the telly and playing computer games, which inevitably lead to a dramatically increasing waist line.

But enough about me, you guys must probably wondering why on earth I want to write for HantuBola (tm). Heck, even I am wondering why, coz in fact, I am a rugby player (years ago in school and college) and try as I might, I can never seem to be able to master that round little thing with my feet. And no, I rather not pick it up and run (so nobody can compare me with the ranks of the Yanks who call it....urgh....soccer. Yucks, what a horrible name.)

Well, the main reason was that I thought this blog was too full of Liver-poo fans and yet, there is only one guy upholding the pride of the Red Devils (Manchester United, not South Korea) in it. Heck, there are even three people, YES, three people supporting a non-issue like the Gone-ers. That's how bad things are. (Never mind the respective sole Chelski and Toon Army fan, we need one guy to keep our motivation and another to laugh at).

So yes, I couldn't let Vincent go at it alone. So here I am announcing my arrival.

Glory Glory Man United!

And the first thing I am going to bitch about is that they better kick out Cik Cristina Ronaldo to...some club in Spain (I just can't seem to remember which one). I hate that screwup who will fall over anything! I bet if the nutcase goes out to buy some roti planta from a mamak and on the way tries to cross a small longkang, and inevitably fall, I bet he is gonna wail and look around for a referee. Bitch.

Another nutcase I can't stand is Peter Crouch.

  • He can't kick.
  • He can't run.
  • He probably didn't have any professional training.
  • He doesn't give his best.
  • He is as tall as a lampost but there isn't any light glowing up there.
  • He gave to the world the Croucherena, which makes me want to kick him down there.
  • He is butt-ugly.
  • etc... (add your own here)

Bloody Hell, just thinking about Crouch got my blood boiling. Now, if you would excuse me, I want to go and whack something out of rage.


- End of Letter -

p.s. What a 'reverse culture shock' coming back to Blogger after almost a year of Wordpress. ;)

HantuBola's First Futsal Meet (Updates)

**In purple is S-Kay interrupting

My legs are cramping up. Me feet hurt. My back is aching. I was late for work. Considering that I play quite regularly, I was dead tired last night for one reason or another. Takde stamina, cakaplah..don't cover. But it was all gooood.

So at 7 pm last night, the first ever Hantu Bola futsal session kicked off, in a game between the reds and the coloureds (bloody hell futsal session also Liverpool fans outnumber the rest). On the Red side was me, Spiller, KY’s housemate (sorry bro I can’t remember your name), Singh, the other guy (sorry again) and my friend who was known as “Orange” coz of his jersey. The coloureds were represented by lampard Eyeris, Anttyk, 9, Damien, Din and KY. We also had support in the form of Skay, Scorkes and Suanie who doubled as masseurs and water girls. So much for giving support =P We basically talked and talked and talked and got bitten by mosquitoes. Since when did Sportsbarn attracted so many mosquitoes. That aside, water boleh angkat sendiri..masseurs? Jangan harap!!

The game started well, with the scores locked at 0-0 for a good 10 minutes or so (which is quite uncommon for non-competitive futsal). The Reds took the lead twice and both times the coloured equalised soon after. The scores remained 2-2 for a while but unbeknown to us, Eyeris’ side was actually playing with one man less due to an unscheduled half time break by Din… (Its ok pal, baru first session, dun worry bout it.)… Anyway after a while, I lost count of the goals….

Best player on the pitch was Damien (the botak guy) who was playing Joga Bonito futsal. I saw also and I think I had him on video. I was like...not bad..not bad, while the rest of us were playing Jaga Butho futsal. 9 had a good game in goal and was damn tough to beat, while KY was as slippery as the “pleasure enhancing product” of the same name..not that I know how it feels, I just think its slippery by nature. Durex better lah....

Special mention goes to Eyeris, or shall we call you Fat Frank from now on? Pakai biru lagi lah! He was popping up all over the pitch left, right and centre but unfortunately, his shots went everywhere but centre! Or were you just testing the corners of the surrounding net to make sure that we are playing in a safe environment ;P… Oklah, to be fair I missed a sitter right in front of goal with no keeper… But I was thrown off by the shouts of offside…

Kudos to Anttyk who not only took the trouble to organise the session but also foot the bill this round. As mentioned last night, I will support Newcastle throughout the Intertoto Cup and hopefully UEFA Cup.

So should we have another session anytime soon? Or if there are those interested, we can make it a weekly thing.

Finally, I don’t know if I should post up the group pic here, because some of you guys might want to remain anonymous. So let me know if you want it up. Got videos though but I kinda failed to capture the first two goals lah...was like busy watching before I realised it would've been better than the ones I captured after...next time lah k?

**Blardee hell...why do I always have problems putting up videos...how come it shows 00:00/00:33 in my account but when I embed it here it's 00:00/00:00. Argh...later only upload video lah yeah...bengang sial

***Update : Nah...gambar....2 only. Don't complain =P

July 20, 2006

REMINDER: The FIRST Hantu Bola Futsal Meet

Ladies, Gentlemen and Scouse scums,

The FIRST Hantu Bola futsal meet is STILL on! The details are as follows:

Date: July 20, 2006 (Thursday)
Time: 7.00 pm to 8.00 pm
Venue: Sports Barn, PJ (sorry, can't get the apanama Sports City)
Court: C



Lot 5, Lorong 19/1A, 46300 Petaling Jaya, Selangor Darul Ehsan.

It's next Thursday (Update: TODAY!!!!!). Lot's of time (Update: NO MORE TIME!) to set your schedules and plan. And brush up on skills.

I can't wait. I am still limping, by the way.


(Updates by eyeris)

July 19, 2006

Where the Heck is Burkina Faso???????

74) Burkina Faso
95) Equatorial Guinea
102) Cape Verde Islands
106) Benin
115) St. Lucia
121) Kyrgystan
129) St. Vincent and the Grenadines
131) Guyana
133) Lesotho
136) St. Kitts and Nevis
145) Antigua and Barbuda

I don't even know where these countries are (except for No. 95, which is... er... probably somewhere along the Equator).

And they're above Malaysia in the FIFA rankings.

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Well done, FAM.

I vote we appoint Shebby as FAM president. At least, we'd have lots of entertaining excuses when we fall behind Montserat and Djibouti.

The Italian Player-Sale Rumour Generator

You know what? In the void of the sports pages left by the World Cup, they are filling it with super-exciting M-League action the rumours about the player transfers from the 4 scandal hit Serie A clubs. Everybody and anybody who thinks they've got cash wants to buy over-priced aging player going at supposedly 'cheap' prices.

Tell you what. You can generate your own head lines or rumours and spread it like wildfire through your forums and blogs.

Okay, here's what you. Take a template:

"I heard ___(interested party)___ is interested in buying ___(player name)___ for ___(price tag)___."

Okay, then randomly pick an item from the 3 lists below and fill in the blanks above, starting with "interested party":


  • Chelsea
  • Man United
  • Arsene Wenger
  • Posh Spice
  • Johor FC

Next pick a player on sale:


  • Fabio Cannavaro
  • Pavel Nedved
  • Lilian Thuram
  • Luca Toni
  • Patrick Vieira
  • Gianluigi Buffoon Buffon
You can add any player in the list. Then finally pick a price. Randomly.


  • 42million
  • 74million
  • 800k
  • in exchange for 50% ownership of club
  • 2.4billion rupiah upfront, 14million annually for the next 24 years, including appearances
  • 188million plus Ashley Cole

Voila! there you have it! Your very own headline / rumour generator! YOu can even add your own ones like these:

"'The rumours are not true, I am not interested in signing ___(player name)___', says ___(interested party)___."

You get the idea. Go try it yourself. Can some smart IT guy program a automatic generator like those in blogthings?

July 17, 2006

Futsal Meet Time Change

Faarrrrkkkkk! This Sports Barn damn f**ked-up. Somehow, they managed to mix up our booking and have scheduled to an earlier time slot.

Time: 7.00 pm to 8.00 pm

Other details remain unchanged (including my offer).

So sorry guys. Means you will have to come earlier lah.

Players Come Players Go... But Cole Can F**K OFF!!

Is Ashley Cole the biggest twat in Britain, after the Doi Doi Crybaby?
I don’t think so…
I think Ashley Cole is THE biggest twat in Britain bar none!

Who approached Cole? – Chelsea.
Who reciprocated? – Cole.
Who reported the breaking of rules? – Arsenal
Who was fined? – Chelase and Cole.
Who’s fault was it? – Arsenal.


You know… When I played truant in primary school, and the bloody ass kissing pengawas reported me to the discipline teacher, naturally I blamed the pengawas. But looking back, I did in fact broke the rules and was rightfully punished for it. Ashley Cole is reacting the same way – That of a little boy.

Fact is, both Chelsea and Cole broke the rules and Arsenal is duty-bound to report it. What does he expect? This? : -

Dein : So you spoke to Chelsea?
Cole : Yes I did, Dave.
Dein : You do know that Chelsea are not allowed to do that. And you do know that you also broke the rules?
Cole : Well… er…
Dein : Its ok son. We’ll let it go this time. In fact, we’re giving you an even better contract. Would you and Ms. Tweedy like a new posh bungalow too? Oh and the next time, do send my regards to Good Ol’ Petey and Jojo.

Cole : Will do Dave-o!

Arsene Wenger has often been criticised of not playing enough local players. Well, after "profesionalism" of Pennant, the mental state of Campbell and now the arrogance and ungratefulness of Cole, I doubt we will have a single Englishman in the first team for the coming season… And with good reason.

But in any case, Monsieur Wenger still wants Cole and insists that the relationship will heal over time and all is forgiven… But the fans don’t forget.

A.Cole is a downright A.Hole in my books from now on.

How Brazil Lost To France

Okay i know this is old hat, but i just had to post this. How Brazil lost to France, a.k.a. how you shouldn't use an fossil old leftback to mark a spring chicken like Henry. Not when you're freaking defending your freaking world cup title.

July 16, 2006

Looney is sooooooo cute

Took me hours but finally found some really cute pictures of Roo Roo Rotweiler. He's like Liverpool innit? Only good from the back.

July 15, 2006

The Great Italian Car Boot Sale

From BBC Online:

Italian trio relegated to Serie B

Serie A sides Juventus, Lazio and Fiorentina have been demoted to the second division for their involvement in Italy's match-fixing scandal.

Juventus were also stripped of their last two Serie A titles and had 30 points deducted, meaning they are likely to stay down for two seasons. Lazio were penalised seven league points while Fiorentina suffered a 12-point penalty.

AC Milan will stay in Serie A but will start the season docked 15 points.

All are barred from playing in Europe - Juventus, Milan and Fiorentina in the Champions League; Lazio the Uefa Cup.



Here are the players who could potentially be up for grabs:

Juventus: Fabio Cannavaro, Gianluca Zambrotta, Mauro Camoranesi, Alessandro Del Piero, Pavel Nedved, Emerson, Patrick Vieira, Lilian Thuram, David Trezeguet, Pavel Nedved, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Gianluigi Buffon

AC Milan: Dida, Alessandro Nesta, Cafu, Gennaro Gattuso, Andrea Pirlo, Kaka, Alberto Gilardino, Filippo Inzaghi

Lazio: Angelo Peruzzi

Fiorentina: Luca Toni

Do I hear 2 million pounds for Buffon from that esteemed Frenchman over there pretending not to see anything?
And what, 30000 pounds for Inzaghi, Cafu and Thuram from that portly manager of a football retirement home?
Ah si senor Benitez, RM2 million for Kaka to satisfy your latest Brazilian fetish?
Ah yes, that obnoxious Scot over there with the red nose, what's that, 23 million for Gattuso ? Heh, suckers.
AAAh... our best customer... Mr Abramovich... just take whoever you want and leave 500 million pounds at the door please!
Oh, and what's that? RM10.00 for Cafu by Selangor?

Ah, don't you love sales?

July 14, 2006

watch ESPN Sportscenter tonite!

Yes, it's the off-season; but tonight's 10:30pm telecast of Sportscenter may just be worth watching. There's only one reason for this.

Tonight is D-Day for Juventus, AC Milan, Fiorentina and Lazio. It's Judgement Day folks, and UEFA will apparently be enforcing the preliminary judgement if the appeals process drags on. The announcement is expected after the Italian stock market closes, which means that the newsflash should be out around 10:30-ish or thereabouts.

Look out for it. We could be seeing the biggest player sell-off since Leeds United went bust.


best pic of the world cup final

Who fancies a bet that the kid stuffed a sock down his briefs? You know, just in case it got too chilly.

July 13, 2006

Hantu Bola Dungu Class (Lesson #1) - The Leagues

Now that the World Cup is over, it's time to return to the humdrum life of normal club football.

Now, regulars of Hantu Bola will know what we are talking about, but there are also certain groups of people who don't.

So, if you are someone who:
  • Just discovered FOOT BALL after watching the World Cup for the first time in your life;
  • Calls the game SOC-CER;
  • Is wondering where all those players in the World Cup go after the tournament is over;
  • Is wondering what the hell is the Yee Pee Yell and La Lee Gah or Silly Arr;
  • Have no idea why French players are going 'home' to London; Spanish people are going to Liverpool, Brazilian players are going to Spain, and Italian players are planning to move out of Italy;
... then fear not, because here are Hantu Bola, we aim to educate as well as entertain.

I am hereby proud to unveil the first post in an ALL NEW EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM for prospective Hantu Bolas!

Introducing the:


(or Hantu Bola Dungu Class for short)

For our first lesson, we shal reveal the secret of exactly WHERE players like Materazzi go to insult other players, where Cannavaro goes to tackle more strikers, where Rooney goes to break more balls, where the Doi Doi Crybaby goes to cry, and where Zidane goes to hea.... oh wait, he's retired. Never mind then.

Anyway, on with the class!




Country: Ingerland
Teams: Chelski, Liverpool, Manyoo, Arsenal, Newcastle... yadayadayada.
Player nationalities: French, Spanish, Korean, Portuguese, Ghanaian, Dutch... almost like a World Cup innit? Oh, and there's even some Englishmen as well!
Last Champion: Some Russian club
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Arjen "WHEE!" Robben, Didier "Geronimo!" Drogba, Doi Doi Crybaby, Looney Rooney, Lamppost Crouch, Thierry "Oops I tripped" Henry, Michael "ARGH ME LEG!" Owen, Michael "Matt Damon!" Ballack, Frank "Where's the goal?" Lampard, half the French and spain teams
Why you should watch it: Because everyone else does


Country:Espana, Catalonia, Basque... depending which club you support
Teams: Barcelona, Real Madrid, Valencia, Deportivo La Coruna blablabla.
Player nationalities: Mostly Spanish, Brazilians, Argentinians, one Englishman (and occasionally, two), and some Italians.
Last Champion: Some Catalan club
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Smiley Ronaldinho, Robot ' Can't defend' Carlos, a Chubby Overhyped Chipmunk, Juan "Why take me off?" Riquelme, Pablo "Why can't I go on?" Aimar, the other half of the Spain team etc.
Why you should watch it: Because the Brazilians are all playing there. Most of them anyway. And they actually play better than they do at the World Cup.


Country: Italia
Teams: Juventus (for now), AC Milan (for now), Lazio (for now), Fiorentina (for now), Inter Milan (for... oh wait, they didn't rasuah anybody), AS Roma, yada yada bla bla
Player nationalities: Mostly Italian. A few Brazilians, Argentinians, and never any Englishmen
Last Champion: Doesn't really matter, really. Cos it'll probably change later anyway
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Almost the entire Italian team, including Mario "The Chest" Materazzi and Fabio "The Wall" Cannavarro; Kaka the one women go gaga over, Luis "Hairy" Figo...
Why you should watch it: Because no one else in Malaysia does.


Bundesliga (Germany): Otherwise known as the Bayern-Munich-wins-all League.
Dutch Division 1 (Holland): Where EPL teams plunder young Dutch talent from. Oh wait, that's Ajax.
Ligue 1 (France): Where failed Arsenal players and failed Liverpool managers go to revive their careers.
Major League Soccer (USA): The league that the Americans don't really care about because they can't use their hands, and which the rest of the world don't care about because the Americans call it SOCCER.
Scottish Premiership (Scotland): Where failed EPL players go to end their careers.
South American leagues (South America, duh): Where there are more fights than actual football, and where the Brazilian and Argentinian players play when they can't get into the European leagues.
M-League (Malaysia): Where the best Australian players used to play before they discovered England. Abbas Saad anyone?

July 12, 2006

what really happened

HantuBola have hired the services of a lip-reader to figure out once and for all what Materazzi said to Zidane in the 20th minute of extra time last Sunday. The following is what our lip reader has come up with.

M: Bro, I bet ten thousand euros you'll get a red card in this match.
Z: You kayu, you're going to lose your money-lah dey.
M: Help me out-lah Bro, I owe money from last season's Serie A.
Z: No way macha; unless you give me a cut.
M: Aiya, I give you 5 percent-lah, can?
Z: Hmmm... can-lah.

The rest, as the cliche goes, is history.

Oh, you think our lip reader fucked up? It's not as if any of the other lip readers got their interpretations right.


[photo taken from BBC Sports]

July 11, 2006

two questions

Alright, I know this comes a bit late, and everybody is a little potong steam, but forgive me for not having a secure Internet connection, OKAY?

I have two questions about this stupid world.....

It is your last game, EVER. Future suspensions are not a concern.

You are a multi millionaire. Fines are not a concern.

You are a living legend. Reputation is not a concern. Maradona is proof of that.

Some half baked player (allegedly) insulted your mum.

You decide to go out with a bang.

You head butt him in the chest.

WHY THE FUCK didn't you uppercut his jaw and kick him in the balls? What difference would it have made?!?

Despite the best attempts of the so-called lip readers, nobody knows what either of them said. But of course, it is the British press, and contrary to what some people like to believe, we all get our juice from British based websites, and not many of them are credible.

I was wondering......here we have Ronaldo not getting the Young Player award although, to be fair he should have won it if it is based on his performances with the ball. But he supposedly did not get it because of his diving. The next thing you know, thed man gets the Golden Ball, despite committing a serious unsportsmanlike offence in the FINALS which was watched by millions and millions of kids worldwide.

So you mean diving like a swan is not okay, but impersonating a rhino is?

Yah yah yah he was provoked, tra la la la. So you mean getting provoked by people (like some kayu commentors) means I can go headbutt them?

Ya ba ba ba the decision was made before the final. A BIT STUPID ISN'T IT? Make a CRUCIAL decision before the BIGGEST game of the tournament? Cannavaro played every minute of the tournament and was OUTSTANDING in every single minute. Zidane was shite in the first two games, was suspended in the third because he collected two yellow cards in two games, and put a Pachycephalosaurus to shame when his team was depending on him.

Stupid world cup. Made me sleepy for nothing.

Post World Cup Withdrawal Syndrome

You know you are in denial about the World Cup ending when...
  • You voluntarily go to sleep early and wake up automatically at 3am without the help of an alarm clock.
  • You buy every single newspaper and scour every single footy website and read every single bit of news on the World Cup that you can find on the Internet. Even if it's in Polish.
  • No one wants to go out to supper with you at 2am anymore
  • Because of the lack of football on TV, you recreate the final with LEGO instead.
  • You start asking people to bet on stupid things like what exactly Materazzi said to Zidane, and whether Nike will still sponsor Brazil.
  • Your friends avoid you because all you wanna talk about are the hypothetical 'What If's' of the World Cup, like "What if Nesta was not injured", or "What if Zidane had not come out of retirement", or "What if Graham Poll were the referee for the final".
  • People start avoiding you because you have been wearing your Italy jersey for three days straight without changing, even after your weekly futsal game.
  • Try as you may, you can't think of anything that is non-World Cup related to post about on Hantu Bola.
  • The mamak stall owner comes to your table and tells you, "Boss, sudah pukul dua lar. Balik tidur lar, takde bola tengok sudah."
  • You automatically press '901' on your remote whenever you turn on Astro and are genuinely shocked when you get Ning Baizura singing on RTM1 instead.

Extreme Makeover - Footballers edition

Ronaldo - Liposuction

Ronaldinho - Dental Surgery

Oliver Kahn - Facial restructuring

Christina Ronaldo - Breast Augmentation

Kaka - Breast Reduction

Lee Tak-Chun Soon - Hair Tint and Blow Job

David Weedy-Voice Beckham - Nasal and Throat Reconstruction

Rude Van Horse - Chin Reduction

Looney Rooney - err..everything.

the off season

July is always a difficult month for fans of the EPL.

There's absolutely nothing going on; apart from transfer rumours, which are hardly ever true and only serve to prop up sales for the tabloids and online football sites.

No Shebby-fied punditry to knock.
No major wins to celebrate.
No reasons for a victory dance.
No losses to moan about.
No dives or head-butts to poke fun at.
No excuse for HantuBola gatherings.

So what should we do during this month?

I guess we could do something about the template; but after what happened at the last attempt, we might need more than a few weeks to sort that out.

We could pay someone to come up with a really posh new template design; but here at HantuBola we believe in getting our priorities right. Money is meant for booze (and mixers for the teetotalers), not template designs.

We could watch the Malaysia Cup, but I can't seem to find a reliable source to help me catch up with what's going on there. Does anybody even know who is in Group D? Trying to find table standings online after three matches is like trying to find a Malaysian jersey at the shops, I tell you.

So how?

July 10, 2006

Italy won... yawn

Congrats to Italia, winning the 2006 World Cup. Say what you want, they have that small golden thing now, and that deserves respect.

Now we can all go back to our humdrum lives.

So when is the EPL starting again? La Liga? Serie Corruptia A Italia?

July 08, 2006

evil british press

I don't know. You tell me.

I've hated Christiano Ronaldo throughout the whole of last season. I've said it time and time again. Who would listen to me?

No one.

Ronaldo had been diving like that for the last two years and every Englishman who watched football KNEW that as a fact. But no, they choose to pick apart Pires and Van Nistelrooy and lately Drogba and Robben.

Suddenly the bloke 'causes' the great and mighty England team to crash out of the World Cup and he is public enemy number 1. They mock him till this day for crying when he left the pitch against Holland. He's a baby it seems.

Few days later, as Beckham sit in the stands drying his tears for his blood red eyes while watching his team play against Portugal, Beckham is no baby. He's a hero, it seems.

The aftermath is amusing to say the least. The tabloids come out with a story saying that Ronaldo told Rooney before the game that he was going to get sent off. Give me a fucking break already.

And all this pisses me off even more because suddenly, all the random people are making random comments about Ronaldo. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Which part of his behaviour didn't you already know?!?!

His winking?

Another big fabricated piece of bullshit. All you saw was an asshole winking. How do you know he was winking to the bench? Oh yeah, that's right. You read it in the news. You read Italian? Spanish? French? German? No?


Of course you read it in English. Who writes English news? Why, the English of course....

Don't get me wrong. I hate Ronaldo. I've hated him ages ago. At the moment, I think his play is more of a detriment to his team. Unless he learns to be more a team player, I can't wait to see him leave Manyoo.

I hate him, yes. But the mumbo jumbo surrounding him is a little too unfair for my liking.

An Expert opinion on why we should all watch the Battle for Third Place











I Give Up.

July 07, 2006

A Shebbyfied Prediction of the World Cup Final

Yes, the World Cup final is upon us, and it's Italy vs France.

And I shall now Do a Shebby and offer a prediction on the match this Sunday, based on the following factors:
  • The team I support in any competition only ever win their big matches when I'm OUT of the country, and
  • I shall be in Singapore when the Final comes around
  • I don't support either Italy or France
Now, if you take all those three factors into account, it stands to reason that the final score in the Final will be......


(even after Extra time, AND penalties.)

The final will then be decided like this:
  • Both teams will have to pick the two best divers in the team
  • Scores will be given based on who can do the best synchronised swan-dive off the goal post, AND still land in the penalty box.
  • The Final Winner will eventually be decided by a panel of judges consisting of Fu Mingxia, Greg Louganis, the Doi Doi Crybaby, Arjen "WHEE!" Robben, Joe Cole, Ruud Van Horse, and the Oscar voters from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

July 06, 2006

So Its The Final Already

So we come to the final of the World Cup already. There's a 3rd-4th placing match, but it's like the Intertoto Cup, nobody watches it except the supporters involved.

So its Italy versus France, Azurri vs. Les Bleus.

Italy, i'm never been much of a fan, but i must say their new style of attacking footie is a lot easier to watch then the old defend the one-nil lead.

France, well, even with Gunner Henry, they're never been inspiring. A lot depends of Zidane... but everyone knows that, especially Italy's defensive midfielders...

Word on the street is Italy, but me not mucho into gambling.

Germany, i doubt many seriously believed they'd win, but it kinda shows what an inexperienced team with limited talent can do with good tactics and self belief.

Portugal, ho, ho. i would have to say they did well, except they didn't have a kick ass striker to win the games. Someone like Rui Costa. Or Paulo Futre (well, okay, he wasn't a striker, but he was damn good). The less said about Cristiano Ronaldo the better.

So, come Sunday night, i'd probably be watching good footie, without supporting either team. After that, how many days to EPL start again, ah?

(I haven't blogged much here during the entire WC month, but i've been quietly enjoying the posts here by my fellow contributors. Between work and trying to stay awake throughout the day, can't really say I've done much else either...)

The New Reds

I write this to take a break from the World Cup, as well as because Eyeris has been on my case for not contributing enough. ;)

For those who've been distracted by the events at Germany in 2006, you might have not noticed the events transpiring at Anfield in recent weeks.

First we signed forward Craig Bellamy. He was a problem child at Newcastle after falling out with master provocateur Souness, but was a big hit at Blackburn under fellow Welshman Mark Hughes.

His pace and trickery could be just what we need after the misfiring season just gone by. Although, I'm still waiting for news of Cisse's departure.

Next we finally got left winger Mark Gonzalez's work permit all sorted out. Now to actually see whether he was worth the wait. I don't know what this means for Harry Kewell though.

Now we've signed a Brazilian left-back - relax, it's not Roberto Carlos - 26-yr-old Fabio Aurelio from Valencia on a free transfer. Interestingly, Aurelio becomes Liverpool's first ever Brazilian signing.

Of Aurelio, Benitez said: "His technical ability is fantastic, he has a great left foot and mentality and provides the team with a lot of options."

Oh, and we've also got 20-year-old Argentinian centre-back Gabriel Paletta from Atletico Banfield. According to Rafa:
"Paletta is very tough and he's exactly the sort of player we need who will suit the Premiership," said Benitez.

"He's more like Jamie Carragher than Sami Hyypia. This is good because we will have a balance in the style of defenders."

More like Carragher? Great - as long as he doesn't take penalties.

Read more at BBC Sport.

And one more sentence on the World Cup final: I fully expect Italy to lift the World Cup now - which means France will probably win.


holy diver

He was offside when he scored the winning goal in the previous round. It seems that he took a dive last night to set up his team's winning goal in the semi-finals.

Of course, nobody would believe this. Look at the name. Look at the personal image cultivated so carefully. Look at the legions of fans who would rather support a French cunt than the Portuguese cry baby. The man is as holy as a footballer can get.

A Holy Diver. Fucker.

July 05, 2006

Dear Vieira,

Since once upon a time you used to play for Arsenal, and since you once got red-carded because of Horse Face, and since Keown defended your honour so gloriously that time, I'm sure you have some really fond memories of that club.

So, if I ask you really, really nicely, can you do me a huge favour tonight?

Can you please, please give that Doi Doi CryBaby something to really cry about?

How about stamping your mark and earning mass adulation by doing a Rooney-on-Carvalho on that twat so he can finally be the girl he so longs to be?

"If I cry and cry and pout all the time, can you please, please, turn me into a girl so I can be Figo's favourite bitch?"