December 31, 2007

ESBN Returns As Karma Takes The Day Off

KUALA LUMPUR: Karma had a quiet night off as Sven City decided to play like an away team at their own stadium, stealing a goalless draw against Liverpool, proving that it sometimes just doesn't work when you try to avoid karma biting your behind by not saying anything about other teams until your own game is over.

Liverpool were without Grampa Hyypia, but Jamie "The Wall" Carragher proved that you only need one centreback around when you're up against a team that beat some other Manchester team at that very stadium. Dirk "Headless Chicken" Kuyt also proved that you really can't head a ball when you have no head.

In other news, Eyeris decides to annoy Men.United fans AGAIN by pasting more pictures of Alan Curbishley AGAIN:

Accompanied by some of Anton Ferdinand:

And finally, because I'm in a giving mood today, I'll also throw in one picture of Christiano "Kakakakakaka" Ronaldo crying:



At last night's Mabok Bola with TigerJoe and S-Kay (actually it was just me and TigerJoe doing the drinking), a couple of mabok bola regulars and a bunch of unknown people joined us midway through the game. There was a particular socialist/communist in attendance.

This aforementioned communist sat down, pointed to the guy on the screen (who had just missed the penalty) and went..


*Cue hint to shut up* But of course, I couldn't resist and asked him...

"Dude, you're a Liverpool fan aren't you?"



December 30, 2007


Bahhh... Enough about Moanchester United.

They can't defend corners.

Christina needs more penalty shooting practice.

The poor Magpies on the other hand...

We were F*CKING robbed!

One of our best performances this season, and we still lost.

Thank you, Mr Useless Linesman.


It's Official

The Bloody Hammers are our bogey team.

How would you explain us sucking at controlling possession?

How would you explain us sucking so bad at aerial balls?

How would you explain a penalty miss, by Ronnie of all people?

How would you explain a 3rd successive defeat to the Bloody Hammers?

They are our bogey team I tell youse.

December 27, 2007

bloody cipet

I leave KL for a few days, and what do I come back to?

CHE 4 - 4 AST

Bloody hell. Draw?! At Stamford Bridge?! And we let in FOUR goals?!?! And got TWO players sent off?! Apa ini?!?!

Mana ada handball?!?!

Cilaka. How come Aston Villa so good one?! How can a team that used to score own goals from nothing hold us to a draw?!

To make matters worse, today's news bulletin from The Guardian doesn't sound so good:

Holding midfielder Claude Makelele is also out of action for a "few weeks", the club said, after having an ear operation. Second choice goalkeeper Carlo Cudicini is another player on the treatment table.

"It is not easy times but since the first day I was here it has not been easy with all the injured players," Grant said.

Aiiyyyooooohhhhh... ear surgery?! Of all the things I tell you. Ms Karma must have a real hard-on for Chelsea right now. Cipet.

Boxing Day roundup

MANCHESTER: The best team in the land returned from their away trip to Sunderland top of the table after destroying Captain Keano's spirited side 4-0. This despite old man Giggsy, ugly man Tevez and midget man Evra being rested and starting with the worst possible central midfield pairing of Carrick and Fletcher.

It may have been a great result for the Mancurians, but elsewhere in England, LuckyPool FC churned out a fantastic result in their hard fought win over the future Coca Cola Championship winners Derby County. The Rams are in imperious form, chalking up 1 point in their last game against Power Ranger Toon club, Newcastle and so nearly won another massive point until StevieMe received a magnificent pass from Derby defender James McEverly inside the 6 yard box. Witnesses said Mr McEverly later threw a fit in the box after realising his stupidity.

Elsewhere, in the boring game of hockey, Chelsea were held 4-4 by Aston Villa. Despite the referee mistaking his red-cards for Christmas cards and showing 3 players the door, there was minimal on-field protest. Suspicions that this was due to John Terry not being on the pitch were confirmed as it turned out that he really wasn't on the pitch. Other shocking events at the game include Fat Frank Lampy being carried off injured while the best goalkeeper in the world (konon) and the world's most expensive flop striker (betul) decided to swap their form book just for the heck of it.

In other games, Micheal Owen's team played shite. And lost. Again. Phil Neville showed during this Christmas season that miracles do happen as he scored from 35 yards out in the Blue Scousers' win over Bolton. Totenham Hotshit beat Full of Ham (should be turkey ham) 5-1.

Arsenal's kids could not beat Portsmouth and had to settle for a 0-0 draw. Reports that the children's downbeat performance was due to them staying up till 12 am to wait for Santa to deliver their presents the previos day was unconfirmed as other sources reported their draw was due to the kids' excitement of opening their presents on Boxing Day morning. Other reports that Manuel Almunia gave Jens Lehmann a pacifier was also dismissed as Mad Jens was deemed too old to receive presents.

December 24, 2007

Changing Times

It's been a miserable season so far... But I feel there's a change comin' up yo.

PS: Merry Christmas, Hantubola addicts.

December 21, 2007


The draw for the first knock-out round of the Champions League got done earlier this evening.

some cipet-face pulling balls out of a bowl

I'm going to keep this post really short, and just do a Shebby by predicting the aggregate results. LOL

Celtic 2 - 1 Barcelona (Home win in Glasgow, draw at Nou Camp)
Lyon 1 - 3 ManYoo (Home wins in both legs)
Schalke 04 0 - 1 FC Porto (a bore draw and a home win in the return leg)
Liverpool 0 - 2 inter Milan (1-0 to Inter in both legs)
Roma 2 - 3 Real Madrid (Robben gets the penalty that wins the tie at Bernabeu LOL)
Arsenal 0 - 6 AC Milan (3-0, 3-0, Karma gonna getchew Gunners!)
Fenerbahce 1 - 4 Sevilla (The Turks get a goal in Istanbul, but are well short)

and last but certainly not least...

Olympiakos 0 - 8 Chelsea


December 17, 2007

In Defence Of the A. Hole

Arsenal fans (chanting) : CASHLEY CASHLEY WHAT'S THE SCORE??

A.Hole : Well its most certainly not two-nil because I single handedly prevented the second goal...

December 16, 2007

18 years and counting...

It's Victory Dance time!!

Conversation of the day:
Andrew Lecci: Half-time score is Liverpool NIL, Manchester United ONE. Shebby reckons the Liverpool defending was woeful...

Shebby: No, the Liverpool defending was RUBBISH! Absolutely rubbish.

Paul Masefield: *giggles like a girl*

Scouse karma lesson of the day:

Think very funny to vote Van der Sar as Man of the Match issit? HAHA padan muka!

Also, my number 8 is better than your number 8. Anderson PWNed Gerrard..Huhuhuh...

But don't mind me. I need to get back to my victory dance...


Oi, sudah lapan belas tahun la...


Bloody hell Tigerjoe,
Why couldn't you bloody stay out of the country??

PS: Steve McMahon is an annoying bald ass.

December 13, 2007

Merseysiders love their Poo heroes so much....

...that they decide to show their love in mysterious ways.


Surely, he now regrets passing the opportunity to move to London and put on a blue jersey instead.....

December 12, 2007

Liverpool Knocked out of UEFA Cup!!!!!

SOMEWHERE ON THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT: Liverpool failed miserably in their bid to add another UEFA Cup to their more-than-Men.United's collection of European trophies, as Marseille determination to lose 4-0 at home shone through, meaning that the French club qualifies for the UEFA Cup knockout rounds, leaving Liverpool to pick up the scraps in the Champion's League last 16 instead.

So badly did Marseille want to qualify for the UEFA Cup that they even let Steven "useless penalty taker" Gerrard a second chance to poke home the rebound after he'd predictably missed it the first time. They then let Nando Peri-peri Torres stretch his goals-scored lead over a certain Chelski player, and then to make sure that people knew they were LETTING Liverpool win, they even let Dirk "Headless" Kuyt score from open play, and then let Babel scored his usual late goal to wrap it all up.

Rumours that Djibril Cisse went to the Liverpool dressing room at half-time to look for his leopard-print undies in Stevie G's bags were unfounded.

Next up, the Anfield club will be playing a certain ugly team of gay cheaters at home this weekend.

December 11, 2007

somebody has a new 'do

Errr....better than being blonde?

December 09, 2007


Who would have thought, eh? This was a bloody awesome week for football with a few good twists and turns along the way...

Surprising events over the weekend:

1) Derby score an away goal

Consider the fact that they have not scored an away goal in the League since 2002, and Manyoo have only conceeded one goal at Old Trafford all season, letting Derby score a goal should count as a failure for the Manyoo defence who have been the best in the league thus far.

2) Arsenal lose!

Actually, the surprising fact wasn't that the Arsenal wheels have come off (where's pretty boy Fab, eh?). The awesome thing is that they lost to Middlesbrough who was inspired by an Arsenal reject, Jeremy Ali-a-a-air. Better still was that all the talk of them being the new 'Invincibles' after just 20 odd games unbeaten was shoved in their faces by a team that hadn't won in 13 games.

3) Shevchenko has a good game

I like saving the best for last. This ranks as the mother of all surprises! Sheva actually remembered how to play football again. But don't worry, you won't need to be surprised for long because he is bound to be crap again next week.

Cibai #4693724443242

Oh well, we were bound to lose sooner or later.
Better this week than next week, eh?
If anything, this proves that the 'wearing Liverpool Jersey on Matchday' Jinx is still very much in place.

December 07, 2007

enough already!

If there is one thing I hate, it's reading repetitive news.


How many times do you want me to read these stuff over and over and over and over again??!!!


Here is an IDEA!

How about you guys in the media stop writing all those "Neville Comeback" and "Neville Setback" stories and just publish something when he actually plays for the first team!!!???


December 03, 2007

Liverpool Defender Anelka Saves Shot From Bolton Striker Anelka!

LIVERPOOL: Nicolas Anelka showed why Liverpool should hire him back as a defender when he cleared a shot by himself into the side-netting midway through Bolton's 4-0 defeat at Anfield.

Bolton striker Nicolas Anelka had the open goal at his mercy after Liverpool keeper Pepet Reina decided to give Jamie "Broken Ribs" Carragher a friendly hug midway through the game, but Liverpool defender Anelka managed to force the Bolton striker Anelka to shoot into the side-netting, endearing him to the Anfield crowd.

At the other end, Liverpool striker Sami "Fastpoke" Hyypia managed to show that he is actually faster than Liverpool defender Sami "Slowpoke" Hyypia by scoring the first goal in the game. Fernando "9-goals-more-than-Malouda" Torres scored the second goal later to set two liverpool fans dreaming of free bottles of whiskeys. Gerrard and Babel added two more goals in the end to set EPL fans wondering how the fuck Men.United lost to this lot.

In other news, John Terry and Luis Boa Morte suck each other's thumbs.

December 02, 2007

Here we go again....

Malaysia sent crashing
MALAYSIA'S campaign in the Sea Games just got tougher when they crashed 3-1 to Vietnam in their opening Group B match at the Surapala Keetha Sathan Stadium yesterday.

Oh well, back to watching the EPL for now then....

November 28, 2007

"England - Pilihan Saya!"

Since it is already old news and everyone's sick of it, we'll talk about England's disastrous exit from Euro 2008 qualifiers anyway.

The loss to Croatia has affected a lot of people profoundly - the supporters are mourning, the FA top brass are pointing fingers, the manager has been fired, the Germans dancing in the streets...

But one local company's marketing campaign has hit a serious snag.

Spotted this at a shop earlier today... it's a series of school bags. A vely fehmes skool beg kompeni la.

Check out the picture at the top left hand corner. Wah! Celebrity endorsement! Capitalize on a fehmes name or event, sure sell one....!

Upon closer look, it's famous football stars - Looney, Feckhem, Stevie G and Owen - all famous for being injured (okay, except Stevie G)

But upon closer inspection, you'll note it says "Collection 2008 England Team"... kantoi la... do what in 2008? Play friendly ka? watch other team play in Euro ka? that one Malaysia also can do la...

Anyways, this chubby kid in the poster ad says it all...

November 26, 2007

football stories of the week

My sugar daddy is better than your sugar daddy!

Reds row escalates as owners hit back at Rafa

What's this? Hyuk hyuk! Karma, people...KARMA!

To think that Malcolm Glazer's takeover of Manyoo raised so many eyebrows and had the whole world laughing at Manyoo waiting for their collapse. Given the problems Abramovic gave Mourinho and the problems Rafael is facing... sugar daddy rawks!

The real reason why England lost

The singer of the national anthems fucked up before the game. Read about it here.
Croatia rose to the occasion in their crucial Euro 2008 defeat of England - after an apparent X-rated gaffe by an English opera singer at Wembley.

Tony Henry belted out a version of the Croat anthem before the 80,000 crowd, but made a blunder at the end.

He should have sung 'Mila kuda si planina' (which roughly means 'You know my dear how we love your mountains').

But he instead sang 'Mila kura si planina' which can be interpreted as 'My dear, my penis is a mountain'.


"The Croatians think it's great, and they've invited him to come over and sing at Euro 2008, and asked if he will be their mascot."

Please do our country a favour tomorrow at 8 pm. Please get behind (not in a dirty way of course) the one Malaysian who knows his football.

Watch Football Focus with John Dykes at 8 pm Tuesday night on ESPN where we can see The Shebster mock Steve 'the baldie' McMahon over England's defeat. Don't miss this rare opportunity to watch Shabby say, "I-told-you-so-you-fat-baldie, haha!"

November 25, 2007

Ununited Men of England Cheer!

INGGERLUND: American soccer club Men.United proved a Hantubola commentator's point that not having a single player in the dismal Ingerlund squad that lost to the Croat-Croats on Wednesday was the best thing that ever happened to English football; as they proceeded to give all the UnUnited-Men in the country something to cheer about - and at the same time giving Medium-Size Not-Sam's Bolton an early Xmas present.

So generous was Sir Alex Ferguson that he even decided to lift the mood around the Reebok by going home early to sulk.

In other news, Roy Keane decided that Derby's tactics were the way to go as Sunderland also gave Everton seven early Xmas gifts to be given out among the squad, though that Yakubu decided to bag two for himself, that greedy bastard (Rumours that Phil Neville was found crying in the shower room with some broken ribbons in his hand were unfounded).

Also happening around the EPL, Rafa-rafa decided to do some coaching instead of whining about money again, and stevie found-his-G-Spot by showing just how much the ingerlund loss had affected his confidence by not losing 3-2 to Newcastle not-very-United. A minor miracle was also achived at St. James' Park when Dirk Headless Kuyt actually scored a goal using his own skil.... oh wait.

November 22, 2007






November 20, 2007

Dear Crouch,

The next time Rafa lets you play, it may be prudent to remember what a wise man (Robbie Fowler actually) once said: "There is someone in the Liverpool team that wank 2 hours before a match and head out to score 5 goals in a match."

See, that's how you become an Anfield Legend. Not by losing your head to skanky crack hos like this.

November 18, 2007

And so the chest-thumping begins


I was so looking forward to reading all the whining and lamenting about how England will be missing Euro '08.

But NO, Russia had to go and fucking LOSE. Now we'll have to put up with all the celebrating and chest beating about how "We can still make it!"

England given Tel Aviv reprieve
An unlikely second chance arrived for Steve McClaren as Israel beat Russia 2-1 with a last-minute strike

and look, all the chest thumping has already started:

Gerrard issues Euro rallying cry


November 16, 2007

Jamie Yeo is NOT a bimbo

(Hey, that rhymes too)

Random quotes from today's Star Football pullout.

Call Jamie Yeo a bimbo all you want - she could not care less. In fact, she won't blame you.

" It's just the way I am - carefree and giggly, plus I'm the stereotype of a bimbo, with long hair and big eyes, who dresses sexily," says the not-bimbo while as she tosses her long, blonde-streaked hair.

She has never been single at any point of her life since she was 17.
"I guess I crave male attention because I don't feel like I got enough of it as a child"

Midway through the interview, Yeo fidgets with her low-cut halter top that plunges into the valley of her between a "B and C-cup chest. (Ed: C cup my ample arse. B at the most)

She takes mild umbrage when you ask if she will depend on her looks to make money until she's 40. Her playful, albeit weak reply comes swiftly: "Er, not my looks, my talent! How dare you! Err..I don't know."

November 11, 2007

Because ESBN Just Isn't As Fun When Liverpool Do Nothing But Win.

KUALA LUMPUR: Several braincells were busted as bias Hantu Bola contributer eyeris tried to think of something funny to write about Liverpool's win last night, where Rafa Benitez set a record for the least number of rotations EVER as he made ZERO (yes, count that, ZERO) changes to the team that won 8-0 over Besiktargetpractise on WEdnesday.

That unchanged team was obviously not used to playing together two matches in a row, and duly went on to draw 0-0 until the 80th minute, when Benitez finally gave in to his compulsive obsession to change things around.

One of those changes, Fernando "soon-to-be-winning-two-of-his-fans-a-bottle-of-jameson-each" Torres scored one goal, while another, Ryan "Not Markus" Babel passed a ball to Peter crouch who obligingly tripped over it and got a penalty in the process. Stevie G-String decided to put an end to his Jonny Wilkinson impersonations and converted the penalty.

In other news, James Milner scored a lucky goal as newcastle drew 1-...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

November 08, 2007

pervert alert

All the pretty boys should cover their arses. Literally.



November 07, 2007

Liverpool celebrates Deepavali early

Liverpool found the light and created yet another history.

Biggest ever Champions League win

Liverpool 8 - 0 Besiktas

Crouch, Benayoun, Benayoun, Benayoun, Gerrard, Babel, Babel, Crouch.

Besiktas kena sayur babe.


November 05, 2007


Sometimes, I feel really glad that I do not support any of the Big Four EPL, I mean BPL teams. This means that matches involving Newcastle are not shown live most weekends (something about viewership numbers, damn bloodsucking subscription increasing Astro).

Had I seen that match against Pompey, where we conceded three goals in four minutes, I would have tugged all me hair off me bleedin' heed.


November 04, 2007

Lanchao pulak

Every bloody year we said next year is going to be our year

Every bloody year.

GOD said faith can move mountains. Easy for him to say innit? He only plays football to kill time these days.

That mad man changes his players more often than a nympho changes the battery on her BOB.

Go rotate your WAG lah fooker. Why rotate your toy boys?

It's wrecking havoc with my Fantasy Football. Fooker.

And wots with the fetish with anak ikan with long flowing blonde locks lah? Go find an ugly feck who can find the back of the net lah.

Speaking of which, now that Men.United has a new policy to play only fugly strikers, perhaps we can offload Crotchless once and for all.

Even that Sawadecrap Squad is above us.


I go support Newcastle then only you know.

November 03, 2007


Two points dropped.

I predicted 2-2 with late drama. Cibai. Predictions aren't supposed to come true okay.

Why referee help Scouse scum but never help us one?


November 01, 2007

A Rubbish Post about an Honest remark in a Shitty Cup

You know how a lot of managers always say in the post-match press conference after losing that ' the referee was bias', 'we deserved something out of it' diplomatic shit?

Well, Here's Dave Jones giving THE most honest response to a defeat so far this season, after Liverpool beat Cardiff 2-1 at the Carling Cup last night:

"You wouldn't understand how disappointed I am to lose here. Unless you have played football you wouldn't understand and I hope you all have a shit journey home."

Oh, welcome home, God.
Oh dear, Kewell is back too.
And eh, who the hell is Nabil El Zhar?

October 29, 2007

Undefeated Teams Strike Accord. Decide to Share Points.

LIVERPOOL: An accord was struck between the only undefeated teams left in the EPL as The Rotating Red Robbers generously gave the Arsenal MSSM team an equaliser 10 minutes from time, just so that EPL fans didn't have to endure the annoyance of having Fugly Strikeforce United on top of the table for an entire week.

After letting in a Steven Gerrard freekick, Arsenal was very angry with Liverpool's goalposts, and even tried to break it by whacking it with the ball, but in the end, the Robin Hood Reds decided to take pity on the kids, and NOT be the ones to teach them how to lose by giving Adik Fabregas a goal. Even then, the kids were still angry at the post, and Adik Fab-bagus tried to break it again with another shot.

Adik Fabregas later gave an interview in perfect English, saying how disappointed they wre not to win, and Jamie Carragher tried to say the same thing in a later interview but ended up talking in some foreign language instead.

In other news, Tottenhamsup lost 2-1 at home to Blackburnt despite not having Martin Jol around to screw up their tactics and despite Shebby Singh being on duty on ESPN's show. Meanwhile, Sven Goran Erikson repaid Frank Lampard for kissing his ass when he was England manager by letting them win 6-0 against his club Svan City. Rumours that Joe Cole and Ashley Cole tried to double team Sven to get in on the action later were unfounded.

October 25, 2007

Cibai. Pt. 6285933

Hyypia is way past it.
We need Agger back.

October 24, 2007

Sudahlah, Pak Leman

NOT about the Arsenal kids whitewashing Slavia Prague 7-0... (wanna take that one, Naz?)

Instead, about the player NOT on the field...

Pak Leman or sometimes known as Jens Lehmann.

After getting tired of taking potshots at Oliver Kantoi, (which by the way, if not for Juergen Klinsmann, Pak Leman would have never played for Germany), he is now threatening to leave Arsenal because he is "HUMILIATED" at being left out of games.

Sudahlah, Pak Leman. Besides being our least favourite Arsenal player, everyone is quite tired of your antics like:

- Every time some defender touches you or your perfectly set hair, you will fall down like kena two foot tackle.

- Telling everyone you are 'the best', 'better than Oliver Kantoi', 'will play in World Cup 2014'...

- Anyway you cost us two goals this season, esp against Blackburn.

You lost your place fair and square, Pak Leman. Kasi chan orang lain lah.

Like Almunia.

(yeah i know the bleached hair and mustache make him look like a pimp...)

October 22, 2007

Pantun Raya Liga Perdana

Kuah kacang dicicah ketupat
Jangan lupa kuih bahulu,
Momo beraya di negeri barat
Diteman eyeris yang macam Ben Ayu

Penat berpuasa kenduri makan
lepas melantak basuhlah pinggan
Christina Ronaldo memang pondan
Banyak handbag mengalah perempuan

Beli ayam ayuh ke pasar
Buat rendang sungguh istimewa
Frank Lampoop teteknya besar
Deflection goals serah kepadanya

Pergi beraya di pekan Kampar
Singgah sebentar di bandar Bidor
Old Fart Fergit mulut celupar
Kena pukul terus sakit telor

Siapa tak puasa kena rotan
Lepas menangis makan rambutan
Si Whinger memang kuat meroyan
Suka pula mengorat anak ikan

Anak dara duduk terperok
Minum sirap makan buah kurma
Tevez berok, Rooney pula buruk
sekali pandang, sebulan trauma

Pakai kebaya lelaki pun ghairah
Minta ampun kepada yang marah
Granpa Hyppia sangat pemurah
Kepada Everton dia bersedekah

Baju kurung kain labuh
Nilai murni kita bersama
Phil Neville sangatlah bodoh
Terimakasih dari kami semua

Rio Ferdinand suka hisap ganja
Shabby Pundek kuat membebel
Voronin gemuk macam anak gajah
Nasib baik Kuyt teramat comel

Ada goatie sungguh bergaya
Tukar player macam orang gila
Rotate-Rotate budaya kita
Semoga naik ke tangga pertama

October 21, 2007

Devils in CRISIS!

BIRMINGHAM: LA Galaxy's star quarterback David Beckham's former soccer team, Manchester United Soccer Team was plunged into crisis yesterday when they played fellow American team Aston Villa in the English Major Soccer League.

Although ManUSA won 4-1, they have now conceded 2 goals in the last 611 minutes of professional soccer - hardly a commendable statistic for a team aiming to lift the England Cup. With main line back Manja Vidic out, the Devil's backline looked shaky with Spanish rookie Gerard Pique in the middle. It was no wonder that Aston Villa managed to score against them to plunge them further into crisis.

Sir Alex Ferguson, who earlier this week learned that a homeless beggar who punched his testicles in a train station a few weeks ago was jailed 15 months, must still have been sore with the after effects and paired two fat point guards Rooney and Tevez who clearly cannot play together as a attacking tag team. They have been struggling to find their form this season, and any other partnership would have easily bagged 3 goals each on the night.

Aston Villa also did not help their cause when they tried to emulate the Silly Blue Scousers who earlier in the night had two team members sent to the permanent sin bin. Goalkeeper Scott Carson, on a lease from the Rotary Club (Merseyside branch) was sent to the sin bin shortly after England middle field player Nigel Rice Cooker.

United got out of jail today, but may not be so lucky in Tuesday Night Football when they take on the Kiev Dynamos in the European Soccer Cup.

October 20, 2007

Everton Home Buglarised! Police Seek Man In Black!

LIVERPOOL: The Toffee Suckers' returned home after the international break to find that their Godison Park home was robbed of three points by hubcap-stealing criminal organisation the Rotating Reds.

The Red Robbers managed to come back from two red cards down to and eventually won by two goals to one despite scoring all three goals; all thanks to two penalties generously given to Dirk Kuyt.

The robbery is suspected to be an inside job, which the Rotating Reds pulled off with the help of a certain man in black. The crime nearly wasn't committed as one of the Rotating Red's members, Sami Hyypia (probably the only player in red who felt guilty for needing to win), scored one for his concience by giving a goal to Everton.

However, deep into injury time, former Men.United player Phil Neville decided to spend some quality alone time with Ol' Tony Hibbert in the showers before the rest of the guys came in; chalking up another red card for Everton by following in his big brothers' footsteps and play a spot of volleyball with Levia's shot on the goalline.

Rumours that the police of Liverpool are now on a manhunt for the Rotating Reds' accomplice from inside - a man wearing black called Mark Clattenburg, who not only let Liverpool in with the two penalties, but also robbed Everton of some penalties at the same time - were unconfirmed at press time.

October 09, 2007

EXCLUSIVE: SHOCKING pictures from the Madjeski!!

READING: For those of you not in the know, Reading played Derby last weekend and won 1-0. Ordinarily, us folks at HBBN wouldn't really give a shit about the game and the result, choosing instead to mock Misses Robinson and Pretty Boy Scouse. However, we feel it our social responsibility to highlight the following disturbing chain of events at the Madjeski Stadium on Sunday.

The mayhem starts with Kevin Doyle lining up a shot (or a header). To be honest, we didn't really give a shit about this game and didn't even bother reading the match report or watching the match highlights.

What we do know is that Kevin Doyle did score and the Rams (or Sheep) were set to lose another game.

Personally, we don't really understand why people even bother to celebrate when they score against Derby County, when even the crisis club, You'll -Never-Win-Again FC managed 6 goals against them. That should really give you an idea of how crap Derby are. Nonetheless, Kevin Doyle scores a goal, wheels away to celebrate and decides he needs a score...

Enter Kingsley the Lion and Stephen 'head-breaker' Hunt. Never mind that kids are watching and cameras are clicking away, the furverts from Reading indulge in a little furry fandom fetish.

In comes Dave Kitson, for reasons unknown, other than to urge Stephen Hunt on. To, er...suck it, we think. What the Lion is doing, we have no idea since we don't get our jollies off that way, but Kevin Doyle seemed to be enjoying himself as was the young Reading fan in the background.

We do, however know that Dave Kitson was later photographed by paparazzi leaving the pitch without his pants.

Regretfully, we are unable to tell you when that happened or how it happened (because we weren't bothered to watch the game, see) but certainly this is the most disturbing news to shock the footballing world since Djibril Cisse told us that Steven Gerrard sometimes wore his leopard print underwear in the Liverpool dressing room.

women's football

Today I'm going to be an armchair football poondeque, and talk about women's football. Or rather, pay an underhanded compliment to the sport.

Football is traditionally a man's game. It's sweaty, dirty and occasionally you even lose a tooth or break bones. I get women's football - it is after all the 21st century and whatever a man can do, a woman can certainly have a go at.

Besides, one does not need to have a penis to play football, just a pair of boots (and shinpads, if you insist). Keepers these days also need gloves apparently, although in my day the only extra equipment a keeper would use would be some shoe polish rubbed into the palms to improve grip on really wet days. That's a story for another day though.

Getting back to point, sure, I get women's football. There is no doubting the physical ability of a woman when she puts her mind to something, and women certainly deserve their own football leagues and tournaments. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. There's no way a man would compete with a woman in a physical contest - there's no glory in victory and defeat gurantees a lifetime of shame down at the pub.

Of course, if one were to do a Sepp Blatter and suggest that the womenfolk play football in ultra-tight hot pants and cropped jerseys, that would be a different ball game altogether. In fact, it ignores the fact that a suggestion to organise five-a-side beach football competitions for women would be a much smarter and more acceptable alternative to achieving the same outcome that the old pervert Blatter may have had in mind. No?

So yeah, well done to the organisers of the Women's World Cup and everyone involved in women's football. Let's get together and organise a beach football tournament next year - we can even have separate categories for men, women and ah kuas. Heheh.

October 08, 2007

Cibai. Part 2.

What le fuck.
Should have bloody won it in the first half.
Thank god Spurs were being Spurs.
But it's still another fucking two points dropped.
It's all Tigerjoe's fault.
Liverpool always lose when he's back in town.

October 06, 2007

England Win Without Gerrard, Rooney and Terry

Just saw England beat Australia.
No Gerrard, Lampard, Crouch, Terry etc etc.
Still can win.
No Beckham samore!
Ceh, Kewell not playing also
No wonder Australia lost lar.
Eh, since when Newcastle got that Johnny Wilkinson dude?
Four penalties in a World Cup, sial!
Liverpool should buy him to take their penalties.
Have Peter Crouch stand next to the opponent's goal,
So Johnny got a tall pole to aim at.
Eh? Football?

October 04, 2007


At Anfield samore.
Useless fuckers.
Lucky I didn't wake up to watch.

September 30, 2007

Chelski Score One For Entertaining Football

Russian Footsy Team Chelski scored one for entertaining football yesterday, managing to entertain fans of Fulham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Men.United with their superior goals-not-scored tally last night.

More SMSes of "WHY ARE THERE NO GOALS" were reportedly sent to Chelski fan Tigerjoe, as the plucky Russian team nicked a point via a scoreless draw at home against derby rivals Fullofham, who unlike Chelski, have an actual manager in charge, instead of a puppet.

Like last weekend, Chelski once again won 1-0 on red cards against Fullofham, and Drogba was the one who got off work early this time, having heard the enjoyable laughs Jon Obi Mikel had with Jose Mourinho when they watched Luca Brasi's fucking boring post-match speeches last week.

In the meantime, chants of One-Nil To The United rang out around the St. Andrews Stadium as relegation favorites Men.United rode their luck once again to win 1-0 against superior opposition.

MU Manager George Graham Ferguson was happy with the three points, saying that it was their hardest game of the season so far, ignoring completely the relegation six-pointer last week against charismatic-manager-less Chelski and the fact that his three strikers alone cost more than the entire Birmingham team.

In other news, Arsene's Kid Brigade won 1-0 at West Ham despite the fact that Ceh Fabbagus didn't score as expected; while the Liverpool Rotating Club only managed a 1-0 win against a Wigan side despite playing against Titus Bramble.

At the same time, more goals were scored in one game at Fratton Park than in the entire league combined, as Pottymouth and Reading decided to start playing rugby instead of football.

JT Meets Karma

LONDON: Chelsea continued their march towards to the Coca Cola League Championship yesterday by successfully drawing 0-0 against the mighty Fulham FC. In their relentless march towards world domination, Hantu Bola News (HBN) learnt that Peter Kenyon plans to win the remaining prizes in English football that they have not managed to get their mangy paws on.

Chelski's captain John Terry, was also introduced to a lovely lady Ms. Karma yesterday as he now faces a spell out after getting his cheekbone broken. Earlier this week, the spineless FA refused to ban him even though he tried to steal the referee's red card in last week's game against ManUSA. HBN learnt from an undisclosed source that JT had met the lovely lady a lot in recent weeks after he claimed earlier in the season that ManUSA, then 5 points behind Chelsea, would 'find it hard' to claw their way back into title contention. So hard that it took all of 3 weeks to do.

However, HBN is stuck in a dilemma as we cannot decide if that was funnier than Drogba getting sent off just after coming back from an injury, or that Ukrainian superstar Andriy "can't score against Jerzy Dudek from one yard out" Shevchenko was boo-ed throughout the game.

In other news, the children of the used-to-be-non-issues, Arsenal FC somehow managed to defy logic and win again, beating West Ham United 1-0. Chief kid Fabregas earlier said that he was very scared when a particular French maestro was playing there. A quick poll conducted by HBN found that the fans of the other BIG CLUBS didn't mind if Arsenal won the league this season if their club couldn't win it. All except for one anomaly being the respected football pundit Mr Serbegeth Singh. However, he supports Totenham Hotspurs who aren't a big club - so his opinion in this matter does not count.

Elsewhere, the glorious club of Steven Gerrard FC with a long and distinguised history (which HBN notes can be bought for a predetermined number of greenbacks) has proven HBN Co-editor Vincent correct by the purchase of a certain Spanish quaterback. Despite beating Wigan 0-1, El Torres had a crappy game, missing 3 excellent chances, showing the Scousers that scoring against Derby County and Reading FC does not prove you a great striker. Coincidentally, waltzing past Tal Ben-Hur against Chelsea is nothing to shout about. Steven Gerrard FC needed to be rescued late in the game by a Yogi Bear subsititute which HBN grudgingly acknowledges was a pretty okay goal. Perhaps El Torres needs lessons from Yogi Bear.

Lastly, champions of England, ManUSA fresh from their defeat in the Mickey Mouse Cup dropped all their members of the Mickey Mouse Club and started with real men in the league to beat Birmingham City 0-1 Of particular note in this admittedly boring game would be collective IQ of the chaps sitting in St. Andrews Stadium. After having publicly announced that being boo-ed makes him play better, the thick-in-the-head midlanders gave Christiano Ronaldo a wake up call to his dreadful start to the game by starting to boo him midway through the first half. A source that refused to be name told HBN that the earlier mentioned lovely Ms. Karma took a break off from JT and visited them later in the evening.

September 27, 2007

the 4.51am live update

I somehow find it very much impossible to drag my arse down to the staff canteen to watch the MU vs Coventry game (are they even showing the match on TV?) so I thought I would just check the progress of the match online, before I go for my hibernation sleep until 3pm.

As I am typing this, it is the 86th minute.

I checked the score. 0-2.

I checked the team. 2nd string.

I totally dig Fergie's new strategy. As in, getting rid of the early distractions to our treble target this season. So we can concentrate on the more important stuff y' know.

I just wished the game was at a place other that OT. But hey, that's just a minor detail.

p.s. I wonder if that Mifsud guy can get a hat-trick....

September 25, 2007

there's something about avram

Never mind that the only opposition manager I actually liked has gone..

Never that Peter Kenyon now has a big pie in his face, to add to the pie that IS his face...

Never mind that the Mighty Champions Manchester "Best Team in the Land" United won again...

There was something that kept bugging me about that Avram Grant bloke since I first saw his face on TV the other day. Never mind that nobody knew who the fuck he was. Never mind that everybody knew that he would be rubbish and is never going to be the one to replace the Special One. Never mind that he called himself "normal" and so the British press (and when I mean the British press, I mean the tabloids) are now calling him The Normal One.

There was just something about Avram........

And I couldn't quite place it until just now when I was going through my DVD collection and chanced upon The Godfather box set that it hit me:

That's right! But unlike Luca Brasi in the movie, this one looks dumb and thick. I would have paid good money to have watched Jose's post match interview after all the "dodgy" refereeing decisions. But Avram was just........boring.

Still, if the movie is any indication of how things are going to end up, we would have some fun soon.

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes..

*footnote: If you have never ever watched The Godfather, please poke yourself in the eye. Kthxbai.

September 24, 2007

You Call This An Update?!

Funniest football related sh!t i've seen in months.

The one with Kolo Toure is hilarious.

Did anyone see the recent one on TV about the Spurs ball boy?

Chelski On Course to Win Championship Next Season

MANCHESTER: Having already won the Premier League twice in three years, Chelski have their eyes set on winning a title they have not won under Jose Mourinho - the English Championship - in the 2008/09 season.

Yesterday, the Russian footsy team stole a march on Men.United in the race to be favorites in that division next season, beating the American soccer club 1-0 on red cards but losing out on goals scored in the end.

Coming out to punch a cross by Ryan "Mr Celcom" Giggs, goalkeeper Peter Cech was distracted by a fugly flying Colour TV that diverted the ball into the back of the net during the first half.

Brother Louis Louis Saha then got a perfect ten penalty by executing an Oscar-Winning impersonation of an Olympic diver (complete with flailing arms and thrown back head) in the second half when Chelski's Israeli buy-one-free one defender kicked one of his leg hairs.

In betweem the two goals, the supposed 'New Essien' managed to get off work early to join Jose Mourinho outside the stadium to laugh at Avram Grant's fucking boring post-match speech.

Rumours that Roman Abramovich was in the Chelski dressing room at half time trying to teach Joe Cole how to be a defender in Russian were unfounded.

In other news, Liverpool got a 0-0 draw against a bus, while Michael Owen got injured (shock! horror! waht will England do now????!!!!!????). Oh, and Derby continued their pre-Xmas generosity, gifting another five goals to the not-so-poor Arsenal kids.

September 23, 2007


  • Fuck this Rotation Shit.
  • You should probably start your best striker in EVERY GAME when NONE OF YOUR OTHER STRIKERS seem to want to score.
  • It's time retire that old defender when he can't keep up with any of the opposing strikers, and can't even pass properly anymore.
  • Bloody walking lump of lard. Where you even on the field?????
  • There is no point in running around doing all that hard work if you run around like a headless chicken most of the time without doing anything.
  • You're a fucking sorry excuse of a STRIKER when you can't even head the ball properly on target, even though you're taller than EVERYONE ELSE.
  • Start learning how to ram through the bus already, dumbasses.

September 20, 2007

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star!!!

Chelsea 1 Rosenborg 1

Porto 1 Liverpool 1

Sporting Lisbon 0 Man Utd 1

Arsenal 3 Sevilla 0

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

You choose to show the first three games live, but decided to shove the two best teams in Europe (on current form) to a delayed telecast.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

Stupid or what? It took 3 different matches to get 3 goals while we only needed 1 match to get 3 goals. Talk about value for money.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

I really don't get it. All the pundeks on Football Focus say that the game would be a cracker, but yet decide not to show it. And it was a cracker indeed.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

I'm not saying we are going to win the league or the champs league, but the fact is, Arsenal play entertaining football which even the neutrals can enjoy. Think of the Muslims who wake up at 3-4-5 am for sahur only to be put immediately back to sleep by snorefests like the Man U game. Imagine sleeping after a full stomach! (<-- this is the punchline for those who are sensitive)

Have a heart ESPN... Especially during Ramadhan....

Now Let's See Chelski win ANYTHING this season.

So Long, Mounrinho.

Now lets see Chelski win ANYTHING this season.

More later, I suppose.

September 19, 2007

Phew! HA-HA!

Two words and a hyphen: HA-HA!

(Picture from

Chelski 1 - 1 Rosenborg

Chelsea are held to a 1-1 draw by Norwegian underdogs Rosenborg at Stamford Bridge in the Champions League.


One word: PHEW!

(Picture from

Porto 1 - 1 "Very Very Bad" Liverpool

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez branded his shell-shocked side 'very, very bad' after their fortunate 1-1 Champions League draw and admitted Jermaine Pennant deserved to be sent off.

PS: Yes, this is an update. deal with it.