Dear Vieira,

Since once upon a time you used to play for Arsenal, and since you once got red-carded because of Horse Face, and since Keown defended your honour so gloriously that time, I'm sure you have some really fond memories of that club.

So, if I ask you really, really nicely, can you do me a huge favour tonight?

Can you please, please give that Doi Doi CryBaby something to really cry about?

How about stamping your mark and earning mass adulation by doing a Rooney-on-Carvalho on that twat so he can finally be the girl he so longs to be?

"If I cry and cry and pout all the time, can you please, please, turn me into a girl so I can be Figo's favourite bitch?"