Abnormal News #01

Foreword by Din: You never know what can happen in future. ;)

LONDON, April 22 2007 (Hantubola News Network) - Manchester United Captain Gary Neville said on Sunday following their record 17-1 victory over Middlesborough in the Premier League that they must not get too overconfident on winning the title, though they are 10 points clear of second placed Portsmouth with 4 games left to play.

'We must keep our heads in the game and not let people go and make preparations to celebrate yet. We still have not won the title as yet remember?,' said the inspirational captain. 'You must know that to assume is to make an ass out of you and me'.

When asked about the chances of Liverpool to avoid the drop to the English First Division, he said,' That doesn't concern me at all. You must know by now I do not have time to talk about non-issues. Plus, there isn't much to say when you see they only mustered 19 points this season and seeing they are among the last in the table'.

Captain Neville refused to talk more about Liverpool, when earlier this week it was revealed that Steven Gerrard wants to transfer to Manchester United to serve as a ballboy. Liverpool are currently facing the bright chance of relagation, along with Totenham (19th) and West Ham (20th). Hantubola News Network predicts gloomy days ahead for Liverpool in the English First Division as they next face Portsmouth (2nd), Fulham (4th) and Charlton (7th).

Manchester United manager Roy Keane, when contacted about their chances in the FA Cup and UEFA Champions League had a few words to say. 'Bugger off, I'm drunk and I need to punch a girl'.

Elsewhere, Chelsea have recently completed their Voluntarity Separation Scheme after 3 months of the exercise. Roman Abromovich said that the players like Ballack, Terry, Cech, Lampard and Makalele were excited about the prospects of leaving to play in the exciting leagues of Japan, Korea, Ghana, Thailand and Malaysia. Chelsea, currently joint 15th in the league with Arsenal, have announced that they have enlisted the services of pimply faced middle-school dropouts in a bid to challenge possible winners Manchester United next season. 'We are super excited at the wonderful prospect of the great dropouts. It's our way of doing community service, better let them play football than to wander around the back alleys of London high on marijuana' he said as he took in a sniff of cocaine. 'Wonderful!'

At St James' Park, newly appointed manager Alan Shearer said they are still waiting for the arrival of their new Malaysian defender. They are still not too sure who the person is. 'You know those bloody reality programs, they always announce their winner at the last minute. The final show in on next week on (Malaysian) Astro Channel 15,' he said. 'Till then, all you can do is speculate, that's what you idiots in the media do all the time'. Alan Shearer then ran out of the room trying to evade a pack of angry journalists, with his trademark one arm raised in air.

The 2006/2007 season of the English Premier League draws to a close on May 13th.

p.s. Today was a slow day at work. So?

p.s.2 Oh yeah, all of the above are fictional. ;)