Hantu Bola Dungu Class (Lesson #1) - The Leagues

Now that the World Cup is over, it's time to return to the humdrum life of normal club football.

Now, regulars of Hantu Bola will know what we are talking about, but there are also certain groups of people who don't.

So, if you are someone who:

• Just discovered FOOT BALL after watching the World Cup for the first time in your life;
• Calls the game SOC-CER;
• Is wondering where all those players in the World Cup go after the tournament is over;
• Is wondering what the hell is the Yee Pee Yell and La Lee Gah or Silly Arr;
• Have no idea why French players are going 'home' to London; Spanish people are going to Liverpool, Brazilian players are going to Spain, and Italian players are planning to move out of Italy;

... then fear not, because here are Hantu Bola, we aim to educate as well as entertain.

I am hereby proud to unveil the first post in an ALL NEW EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM for prospective Hantu Bolas!

Introducing the:

HANTU BOLA FOOTBALL BOOT CAMP FOR BEGINNERS WHO THINK IT'S CALLED SOCCER.

(or Hantu Bola Dungu Class for short)

For our first lesson, we shal reveal the secret of exactly WHERE players like Materazzi go to insult other players, where Cannavaro goes to tackle more strikers, where Rooney goes to break more balls, where the Doi Doi Crybaby goes to cry, and where Zidane goes to hea.... oh wait, he's retired. Never mind then.

Anyway, on with the class!

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LESSON #1: The LEAGUES


ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE (EPL):

Country: Ingerland
Teams: Chelski, Liverpool, Manyoo, Arsenal, Newcastle... yadayadayada.
Player nationalities: French, Spanish, Korean, Portuguese, Ghanaian, Dutch... almost like a World Cup innit? Oh, and there's even some Englishmen as well!
Last Champion: Some Russian club
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Arjen "WHEE!" Robben, Didier "Geronimo!" Drogba, Doi Doi Crybaby, Looney Rooney, Lamppost Crouch, Thierry "Oops I tripped" Henry, Michael "ARGH ME LEG!" Owen, Michael "Matt Damon!" Ballack, Frank "Where's the goal?" Lampard, half the French and spain teams
Why you should watch it: Because everyone else does


SPANISH PRIMERA LIGA (LA LIGA)

Country:Espana, Catalonia, Basque... depending which club you support
Teams: Barcelona, Real Madrid, Valencia, Deportivo La Coruna blablabla.
Player nationalities: Mostly Spanish, Brazilians, Argentinians, one Englishman (and occasionally, two), and some Italians.
Last Champion: Some Catalan club
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Smiley Ronaldinho, Robot ' Can't defend' Carlos, a Chubby Overhyped Chipmunk, Juan "Why take me off?" Riquelme, Pablo "Why can't I go on?" Aimar, the other half of the Spain team etc.
Why you should watch it: Because the Brazilians are all playing there. Most of them anyway. And they actually play better than they do at the World Cup.


ITALIAN SERIE A

Country: Italia
Teams: Juventus (for now), AC Milan (for now), Lazio (for now), Fiorentina (for now), Inter Milan (for... oh wait, they didn't rasuah anybody), AS Roma, yada yada bla bla
Player nationalities: Mostly Italian. A few Brazilians, Argentinians, and never any Englishmen
Last Champion: Doesn't really matter, really. Cos it'll probably change later anyway
Players you might recognise from the World Cup: Almost the entire Italian team, including Mario "The Chest" Materazzi and Fabio "The Wall" Cannavarro; Kaka the one women go gaga over, Luis "Hairy" Figo...
Why you should watch it: Because no one else in Malaysia does.


OTHER LEAGUES:

Bundesliga (Germany): Otherwise known as the Bayern-Munich-wins-all League.
Dutch Division 1 (Holland): Where EPL teams plunder young Dutch talent from. Oh wait, that's Ajax.
Ligue 1 (France): Where failed Arsenal players and failed Liverpool managers go to revive their careers.
Major League Soccer (USA): The league that the Americans don't really care about because they can't use their hands, and which the rest of the world don't care about because the Americans call it SOCCER.
Scottish Premiership (Scotland): Where failed EPL players go to end their careers.
South American leagues (South America, duh): Where there are more fights than actual football, and where the Brazilian and Argentinian players play when they can't get into the European leagues.
M-League (Malaysia): Where the best Australian players used to play before they discovered England. Abbas Saad anyone?