May 30, 2009

Why do I worship thee?

(First written on 26 May 2006. Reproduced in honour of the anniversary of Robbie's final day at Liverpool: 31 May 2007. And to teach some history to the kidz)

You are a bastard

Robert Bernard Fowler was born Robert Ryder. His parents never married but he took on his father’s name in secondary school.

”I had a new identity,’ he says of changing his name. ‘It was like being James Bond!’

You are the Toxteth Terror

‘I risked getting my tyres nicked by going to Robbie Fowler’s home in Liverpool!’
Kevin Keegan

Today, when asked if his mansion is Edwardian, Fowler goes, ‘Lived in, I think”

You are an arse

In a game against Chelsea, everytime he came up to Graeme Le Saux, he started to turn his back and wiggle his arse. He later explains this as retaliating against Le Saux’s repeated, discreet use of a flying elbow. Le Saux responded with: ‘But I’m married!’ To which Fowler replied: ‘So is Elton John, mate.’ Result: Another elbow from Le Saux; Fowler’ took down his shorts and spread his arse in the direction of Le Saux. 2-match ban!

You are a smackhead

The legendary line-sniffing celebration after a penalty against Everton. His defense: A day earlier, ’smackhead’ was daubed, in 10-foot letters, over his mother’s house by Everton fans. Houllier’s attempt at an explanation: ‘He was just pretending to be a cow sniffing grass.’ The FA officials were not impressed and gave a four-match ban.

You are a Working Class Hero

During a UEFA Cup tie: Lifting his shirt to reveal a t-shirt displaying the words ‘Support The 500 Sacked Dockers’. Earning the respect of the working class but fined £900 by the UEFA

You are honest

In a game against Arsenal, Fowler pleaded with the referee not to give him a penalty cause he insisted Seaman didn’t foul him. His plea was ignored so he gave Seaman a weak penalty which was easily saved. Received a commendation from FIFA for his honestly.

On his relationship with Houllier: :It is clear that meself and Gerard never got on, but I don’t think I’ve mullered him. I’ve just been honest about the way he treated me and I treated him.’

Houllier: You see that, me lad, that’s the door, now off you go to Leeds.

Fowler: Fuck you too Frog. I shall come back once you and Pinnochio sod off. Just you wait and see.

You are proof that Scousers are not stupid

Fowler is the richest sportsman living in Britain. His estimated fortune is £28 million accumulated from football and his ownership of close to 100 properties. He also has interest in horse racing through the Macca & Growler Partnership with McManaman and owns a string of horses

(Yellow Submarine, Beatles):
We all live in a Robbie Fowler’s house,
Robbie Fowler’s House,
Robbie Fowler’s House.

You are not a wanker

“Nothing had changed in my routine, except that when I went down the chippy and got me special fried rice, it would be wrapped in a newspaper that had my picture all over it.”

‘When you come from a council estate in Liverpool, how you come across is important,’ he says, speaking for himself but also McManaman. ‘You don’t want to be seen as a biff: some busy bollocks like Gary Neville, or someone who has sold their soul like Beckham. The mates we’ve got, if either of us gives it the big bollocks, then they’d destroy us. Steve’s like me, he’s got mates from when he was a kid who knew him when he was two-foot nothing and had holes in his kecks. He’d be mortified if they thought he was getting above himself, or playing the big star, and I feel exactly the same way”

You were a bad lad

Favourite pick-up line: You like jewels? You should suck my dick. It’s a gem.

The Kop Idol cut up a pair of Neil Ruddock’s £300 Gucci shoes after being told that the hard man had urinated in his shoes. Ruddock retaliated by punching Fowler’s nose in a crowded airport. Steve Harkness was later revealed to be the peeing prankster.

Euro 96 in England: Bob Wilson and Jack Charlton were broadcasting one night at 10.30pm from Burnham Beeches, so Gazza and Robbie sneaked out and danced around behind them in their dressing gowns. It was all captured live.

Days after joining Leeds: Got arrested when a photographer attempted to take pictures of the drunken, sleeping Fowler clad in military uniform and holding a replica gun during a Christmas party.

His Spice Boy’s days: Shagged a manager’s girlfriend in a toilet. Can’t remember which manager though. Anyone?

You have supernatural precision

" There is someone in the Liverpool team who wanks 2 hours before a match and head out to score 5 goals."

On his home debut – single-handedly scored 5-0 League Cup win over Fulham in 1993. “After the Fulham game, I went round the chippy with me mates and got a big kiss from me mum when I got home!”

Fastest hattrick in the premiership against Arsenal in 4 minutes 32 seconds in 1994.

You are loyal to boot

On May 25 last year, Robbie Fowler travelled to Istanbul to watch the European Cup final. ‘I was like every other Liverpool fan that night. I was over me head.’

In January this year, he walked out of Manchester City to return to his spiritual home, for a huge pay cut, the promise of a contract till the end of the season, and a seat on the bench if he’s lucky.

Looks like Fowler is staying. Good on you Rafa.

Welcome home GOD. Eventhough you’re now just a Blobber Bobbie, I’m keeping the faith. If things don’t work out, you can always buy another house:)

Pictures googled and yahoosearched. Content mostly from memory, the net and his autobiography, which all Liverpool fans should read, btw.

May 28, 2009

Well....if you insist...

Wah....I thought the Manyoo fans were supposed to be the glory hunters?

Where did all the Barcelona fans come from? Merseyside? I mean I diss out shit when Liverpool loses, but that shit is dissed out AT Liverpool. Since when did hating Manyoo equate to supporting Barcelona? It's really not the same thing, you know.

See, I thought, after you lost you were supposed to sit down and keep quiet. Which I did, because we lost fairly, and we got spanked a clearly superior team and we did not perform on the night. Fair and square, right?


Because the whole day long, I have been hearing Liverpool fans going, "HAHA WHY SO QUIET?" or "HAHA WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GLOATING?" and "WHY DO I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE?"

Well, if you insist......


Our season started with the obligatory Community Shield, which most people would insist is worthless but only when they don't qualify for it..


Of course, Liverpool fans will tell you that it is a Mickey Mouse trophy, conveniently forgetting that they TRIED but FAILED to win it in 2005.

We then followed up with another Mickey Mouse Cup which our KIDS won. OUR AWESOME KIDS...

We then took on Everton in the FA Cup Semi-finals IN WEMBLEY! When was the last time Liverpool were in Wembley?

Well, yeah, our KIDS lost to a full strength Everton. But we took them all the way to penalties and should have even gotten a penalty in normal time. Still, we WENT TO WEMBLEY!!

And on the way to the league title, a HERO was born..

I can still Martin Tyler scream MACHEEDAAAAAAAAAA!!

And then finally........


And then last night, we went to Rome and came back with a runners-up medal..

I may be very, very wrong here, but FOUR trophies, ONE Champions League Runner-up medal and ONE trip to Wembley sounds like a blooooooddyy aweessomme season to me.

BUT WAIT!!!! Where were Liverpool while we were doing all this???

Yes, clearly you Scousers have much more to gloat about....after all, NEXT year is clearly your year.....

(Footnote by eyeris)

Eh you forgot one more little thing that Liverpool did this season...

It's like that annoying little pebble in your great season shoes, eh?

(Shoenote by Vincent)

Oh yes, in all that joy and gloating I did forget that Manyoo lost twice to Liverpool.

I must admit. That was a pretty cool goal celebration. Stevie Me must have rehearsed it in the mirror 100 times. But it's all cool because the pebble in the shoe may be annoying, but after a while it really has no relevance to anything else in your life...

And I did forget how Liverpool celebrated as if they won the league...

But I suppose....after 19 years, I wouldn't blame them for getting excited over the slightest consolation they can lay their grubby hands on...

How does that song go again?

Oh, right...

When the Catalans go marching in!

Huh? Waddaya MEAN that ain't the way it's supposed to be?

Oh, crap.

1) When you lose like that, there can be no complaints. You think, "Oh crap, but oh well..." Barcelona were awesome and deserved to win. Manyoo's defence were supposed to be better, but didn't do their job on the night. Gerrard Pique - holy awesome crap, Batman!

2) People talk a lot about Ronaldo going missing for big games, but this was the first time you could see the desire in him. The point where he slid in for a tackle was just oozing determination, more than you could say for Carrick or Anderson, or even Giggs.

3) Tevez will definitely be off now. In 30 mins, he probably touched the ball 5 times. This was not the same energetic and determined Tevez we knew from before. His sulking had clearly affected him. Bye bye, and thanks for all the fish.

4) Dimitar Berbatov? The less said about that cunt, the better.

5) The last time Manyoo lost a Champions League game, it was to technically superior AC Milan team, whom after which gave Kaka all the credit. But it was in the engine room where Gennaro Gattuso ran the show quietly and efficiently. In the aftermath of this game, Lionel Messi will undeservedly get all the plaudits for his 'victory' against Christiano Ronaldo. Less we forget, Messi really did nothing the whole game (except score a good goal). He dribbled and ran and it call came to jack shite. So forget Messi and forget Ronaldo. The most influential player in the world is by far Andreas Iniesta.

6) Imagine your name is Pep Guardiola. In your first season as a club manager, you achieve everything there is to achieve in the club game. What the fuck do you do next year?! What's next? Galactic domination?

7) At least we do now know that Ferguson would not be off anytime soon.

8) It's good that I am on leave and don't have to go to work in the morning. It's freaking 5.10 am and I haven't slept a single hour.

May 25, 2009

Figures eh?

While Danny Murphy left Liverpool with a 100% penalty rate, the ever-smiling Granpa Hyypia had to have his clean record blemished with the one and only red card he ever received in his long career, courtesy of who else but the focking unholy diver.


May 17, 2009


Happy 19th Birthday, Liverpool!

May 16, 2009

lazy journalism

It's not quite a good week for football journalists.

Referring to the article in The Star's football pullout on Friday:



Put the champagne on ice, get the pyrotechnics ready ... and polish that trophy. Man United welcome Arsenal to Old Trafford in what could be the season decider.

IT’S been a long and trying season, and while it might yet be over, Manchester United could put an end to all the conjecture about whether they can retain their Premier League title and win a third straight championship crown tomorrow.

......bla bla bla....long windy nonsense....bla bla bla....

Man United’s defeat to Arsenal in the reverse fixture of the campaign will also not be lost on Ferguson’s side. And they might just view tomorrow’s clash as being the ideal clash to exact a good measure of revenge for that loss and wrap-up the title chase.

But Arsenal, who despite being rank underdogs going into the game, could spring an unlikely surprise. They do have the FA Cup final to look forward – a Wembley date with Everton has been pencilled in – and to suffer more humiliation at Old Trafford is the thing that Wenger would not like to see happen to his squad.

HEY WHAT THE FUCK!? Arsenal are in the FA Cup Final?! Holy crap, when this this happen? How were we not informed?!

Seriously, who the hell is this Shaun Orange bloke and why is he allowed to write football articles? And what is The Star doing buying articles from random sources? And what the hell is the editor doing? Aren't there supposed to be people checking these stuff for accuracy? Look, we don't care about speling mistakes. But we do care when you can publish an article with such a blatantly wrong fact!

Do those blokes at The Star football pullout think they are running a blog?

Finally, HBBN would like to stress that our articles are exceptionally accurate and contain no speculative articles, except maybe Steven Gerrard's fetish for wearing his team mate's leopard print underwears and Reading players into furry fandom.

May 12, 2009

how British journalism works...


Tevez: I'll Play For Kop

CARLOS TEVEZ wants to join Manchester United’s fiercest rivals Liverpool.

The news will anger Alex Ferguson, who has always refused to sell his stars to Anfield.

But unless United make the Tevez loan move permanent, they will be powerless as the player is a free agent this summer.

Fergie blocked Gabriel Heinze moving to Liverpool two years ago even though they wanted to sell him.

Liverpool have contacted Tevez’s owner Kia Joorabchian to register their interest and the Argentine is keen on the move.

It will enable Tevez, 25, to continue living in Cheshire where his family are settled. He is not concerned by any animosity the move might cause as he has already stated his desire to stay and feels United do not want him.

Fergie has to decide whether to spend £26m of the £30m he will have available on Tevez but the signs are he will not.

Cristiano Ronaldo has escaped disciplinary action for his strop in the win over rivals City after being substituted by Ferguson.

Quotes from Tevez: None
Quotes from Liverpool: None
Quotes from 'sources close to Carlos Tevez': None
Quotes from 'Liverpool insider who refuses to be named': None

HBBN at this point wishes to point out that at least we take more than 5 minutes to churn out an article. Except for the previous article. But you get our point. Appreciate our effort, will ya?

May 11, 2009


Stupid Man City. Lose so easily. BAH!
Stupid Arsenal. Lose so easily. How to beat Manure liddat? BAH!
Stupid Chelski. Does anyone other than Tigerjoe even care about them anymore? BAH!
Stupid Manure. Lose two games already! BAH!