One day, during lunch, the phone rang at the Hantubola Centre for Rehabilitating Footballers. Mr. Din, the VP for Abused Professionals Unit, took the call (since no one else was around in the office).
Crespo: Hello? Hantubola Helpline?
Din: Yeah. Hi. What the hell are you thinking calling in the middle of lunch hour?!
Crespo: Oops, sorry. It's just that I need some help.
Din: Ok, shoot. But first, introduce yourself.
Crespo: Mi name is Hernan Crespo, and mi play for Chelski.
Din: Ooooooh....that sounds bad.
Crespo: I know. There is worse to come. I need help.
Crespo: Err...OK..you see, I miss Italia very muchos. But mi master da great billionaire Roman$ Abramobitch$ don't wanna let mi go!
Din: Fill out an annual leave application lah. Or you can call in sick for a few days and sneak your way there.
Crespo: No no no Sir! I want to go back and play in Italia Serie A! I want my Argentinian ass to go and play there!
Din: Man, that sounds gay. But what's stopping you? Tell your boss you want to go lah!
Crespo: But its not easy Sir! The Russian has offered me a house, a private jet and more money, but I told him I simply want to return home!
Din: Woah, you must be kidding me....
Crespo: Sir! I am even willing to take a cut in wages to return to Serie A!
Din: Yeah, you must be desparate. Don't you love being in Chelski?
Crespo: The fact is I love Italy. The money and success don't come into it! Italy is my natural environment, it is the place where I will live when I retire and it is the best place to play.
Din: Yeah, well, I think only time will make you realize that when you wake up one morning after screwing the cat.
Crespo: Senor! Its not that I hate the Russian, but I want a change of scenery.
Din: Go and relocate your bed to the toilet. That's like a whole new world already.
Crespo: Err...ok, i'll try that out. I always wondered how those people in the jail do it.
Din: Good boy.
Crespo: Thank you Sir. But I is telling youse, I am waiting here, hoping my mobile will ring. I can just guarantee that I am a healthy striker with just one wish - to return and play my sort of football. Plus, Elton John hasn't raped me yet.
Din: Ok, whatever. Make sure you keep it fully charged, and don't use it at the petrol stations.
Crespo: Thank you for your wise words Sir! Thank you!
Din: Ok, you're welcome. Now get off the line coz I'm expecting a call from Peter Crouch. That wuss.
For those of you who are still blur, read this...
Crespo desperate to return to Italian football
It's not easy trying to reclaim your soul from a Russian Billionaire.