September 29, 2008

ESBN: One Hull Of An Arse Kicking

EMIRATES BUT NOT DUBAI: Mighty Hull City were given a scare on Saturday when they went a goal-down to the Arsenal MSSM team at the Emirates Airport.

However, against an Arsenal team that had beaten Hull City's main rivals for next year's Championship title Sheffield Not-Very-United 6-0 with their primary school MSSM team, Hull managed to claw back to win 2-1 thanks to a superb goal by Brazilian Geology, and then a header that was superbly not defended by Arse captain William Gall-less.

In another game, Red Liverpool beat Blue Liverpool on a turf of Green while a man in Black waved some Yellow cards around. No other colours of the rainbow or Care Bears were reachable for comment, although a dubious-looking be-spectacled bear with a goatee was seen shouting at Robbie Keane to bloody get a goal already.

In other news, American volleyball team Men.United managed to crash through a bus on the way to winning at Bolton; while Russian-bottlers Chelski beat Stoke City after their captain bribed some Stoke fans with a tracksuit and maybe some of his Moscow-bottled vodka.

Middle Eastern former Thai food connoisseurs Man No Women Allowed City lost to Titus Bramble's Wigan, who clinched the diving gold medal with a penalty won by a brilliant somersault/flip/crash by Palacios, who might have hit a pigeon when he hurled himself through the air after being 'tackled' by Garrido.

Oh, and there was much laughter to be had as Newcastle and Tottenham continued to battle it out in their quest to become the funniest comedy acts in EPL since Massimo Taibi.

September 23, 2008

Be a millionaire overnight

Due to the sudden death of my Father General Abacha the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the present administration.

I have lost confidence with anybody within my country.

I am now looking to buy a football club to fill my time and to get out of the country and into the English tabloids.

After careful research, I have come to the conclusion that Newcastle United is the best club to buy. Their captain is still scoring despite playing for Newcastle.

However, my government does not allow Nigerians to invest outside the country.

As such, I would need your help to get my money out of Nigeria.

I got your contacts through personal research, and had to reach you through this medium. I will give you more details when you reply.

Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted you.

My Father deposited £350 million with a security firm whose name is witheld for now till we communicate.

I will be happy if you can receive this funds and keep it safe. I assure you 20% of this fund.

Please help me help Newcastle.

I promise I will bring Kevin Keegan back and treat him with the respect a former Liverpool hero deserves. Naturally, I will maintain another former Liverpool hero, Michael Owen as the captain.

I will need your telephone/mobile numbers so that we can commence communication. I also require a one-time only fee of 350 quid as a sign of intent. This is necessary since I'm sure many people would be interested in helping me and I only want to deal with those who are serious about this.

Yours truly,
Mustaffa 'Magpie' Maallam

September 22, 2008

Matematik EPL Darjah Tiga

Chelski = Men.United
Men.United < Liverpool.
Liverpool = Stoke City.

Stoke City > (Men.United = Chelski).

(Stoke City = Liverpool) > (Men.United = Chelski).

Faktor Yang Diabaikan:
((Stoke City = Liverpool) > (Men.United = Chelski)) (Fulham > Arsenal)

September 21, 2008


Liverpool fans all over the place must be quite relieved that their team avoided defeat against a team that looked like Brazil. They almost scored one against the pretend Samba Boys, too.


September 17, 2008

ESBN: Ingerlish FA Allows Rugby In EPL Matches

NOWHERE NEAR THE ALL-BLACKS OR SPRINGBOKS: The Ingerlund Footy association have decide to lend their rugby colleagues a hand in their bid to regain the Rugby World Cup they last won in 2003 and lost to South Africa in 2007; by allowing them to train potential players in the EPL.

This landmark move was field tested successfully last weekend, when Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry rugby tackled Manchester City's YO! JO! to the ground in a successful attempt to stop YO! JO! from scoring a try.

An attempt by the referee to throw a red card into the works was dismissed yesterday, as the red card was torn up, thus allowing Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry the chance to continue his rugby training this weekend, when the OTHER team from Manchester comes a-calling.

Rumours that Nehnehmanja Vidic tried appealing to get rid of HIS red card and to get kickboxing allowed in EPL matches, was unfounded at press time. A tall goalkeeper and a ginger head midfielder were also seen loitering outside the FA's office holding volleyballs.

September 14, 2008

ESBN: Liverpool win Thanks to Van The Suck and A Turf Of Grass

ALL OVER THE WORLD: Almost every single English Pub League supporter in the world was cheering as the U in ABU failed to conjure up their usual lucky last-minute sucker punch at Anfield on Saturday night.

Instead, Liverpool took all three points thanks to a wonderful shot by a turf of grass on the field, who shot it pass the keeper and two defenders after collecting a pass from Ryan Babelfish, who in turn collected a pass from Dirk Not-So-Headless-But-Still-Goalless Kuyt, who collected a pass from Mashimaro, who stole it from an Old Man Giggs who was more fascinated with watching the ball roll out than actually kicking it.

Earlier, it seemed as though the sucker punch had come early for Men.United, as a pudgy Colour TV scored (and then amusingly proceeded to make out with the inside of his arm) from a Bahbahtof assist, before eyeris even had a chance to order his beer.

However, Team MUSA's latest volleyball star, Edwin Van The Suck, turned out to be the savior of Team Gillette sHick (triple-balded for closer shave). Instead of going for a dig to save a Xabi Alonso miscued spike, he decided to go and punch his comedy sparring partner Where's Brown in the knees instead; which resulted in a hilarious comedy routine with and an own goal that Titus Bramble would have been proud of. It gave Liverpool only their second goal against MUSA in eight games (both ironically scored by Men.United players).

Soon after the winning goal NehNehManja Vidic gave the game it's customary red card after he executed a kungfu elbow on Xabi Alonso. Funnily enough, the referee didn't seem too keen to send him off, preferring to show him only a second yellow card, before eventually reluctantly pulling out the red one.

In other news, the Mighty Hull City continued their charge towards next year's Championship title by beating next year's Championship rivals Newcastle Comedy Club. And the Arsenal MSSM team got 4 goals against the Incey Old Liverpool Players' Retirement Home.

Meanwhile, some Brazilian player who probably regrets signing for the club with a lighter shade of blue, scored a splendid goal that was soon eclipsed by three more goals by the other team in blue, which he now probably wishes he'd signed for instead.

At the same game, John Terryble decided that it would be too easy playing a Vidic-less MUSA next weekend, so he decided to even the odds for their rivals by indulging in a little rugby, and getting himself sent off as well.

September 02, 2008

ESBN: Shopping Frenzy on last Day of Mega Sale

NOWHERE NEAR MANCHESTER: It was shopping madness on the last day of the Malaysian Mega Sale, as teams in the Barclays/AirAsia/Sony/McDonalds/Celcom/Nokia EPL rushed to the hypermarkets to buy new players for rival fans to jeer at.

Dimdim Byebyetov said bye bye to Spurs and went over to American volleyball team Men.United, who have also let their latest can of soup go the other way on loan. Liverpool got themselves another Spanish dude as well as a tub of margarine named Vitor Flora (Editor: credit to Tigerjoe for the margarine line); and at the same time offloading a tub of lard named Voronin, as well as Finnan, who suddenly had to start learning how to speak Spanish.

In other news, a lost Brazilian football player was found wandering the streets of London asking for directions to a 'club with blue shirts, no not Chelsea'. Unconfirmed eyewitness reports said that said player arrived in Heathrow Airport on Sunday, and had been asking for directions to 'Manchester United City', and cussing aloud in Spanish after being told that it was nowhere near London.