May 14, 2010

A wrong tackle

A particularly dim-witted unnamed Men.United player took Sir Alex Fergit's instruction to "Tackle like a Brazillian'" by taking it upon himself to apply hair removal cream to his tackle.

“The cream effectively removed the short and curlies but also burnt a layer of skin off!"

The blunder was exposed when the lad had problems in the changing room the next day.

Rumours were rife that it was Gary Neville himself who administered the DIY Brazillian job. But it was immediately denied by Old Trafford officials as, "Bollocks. He can't even grow proper tache."

Speculations that it was actually Nani, who were playing with himself as usual but used the wrong cream has yet to be confirmed. Besides, he has no balls.

Another story that was going around was it was Scholes and the cream was applied lovingly and tenderly by Gary Neville who couldn't stand Scholes ginger fuzz grazing his chin.

Initial investigation however confirmed that the cream was left behind by Cristina Ronaldo for Berbatov, whose manbag Ronaldo was extremely jealous of.

HB contacted an ex girlfriend of Ronaldo who told us that, "Cristiano and I took the same time to get ready. He waxed everything!"

For the real story, go here:

May 10, 2010


103 goals scored over 38 games. Goal difference of +71. Drogba wins the golden boot. Again. Chelsea are league champions. Once again.


*victory dance*

And we still have the cup final to play.

May 03, 2010

on a similar note...

Ironic story of the day:


Roma president Rosella Sensi has hit out at the manner of Lazio's defeat by Inter Milan on Sunday.

The 2-0 win allowed Inter to take a two-point lead at the top of Serie A ahead of Lazio's bitter rivals with two games remaining.

"After what we saw at the Olimpico, to call ours the most beautiful league in the world is a paradox," Sensi told Gazzetta della Sport.

"I would be ashamed to win that way."

A section of Lazio fans cheered both of Inter's goals as they damaged Roma's title chances.

Roma director Gian Paolo Montali added: "I never thought my eyes would see what they have seen this time.

"I believe Inter and their coach were embarrassed, it was nothing to do with them.

"It was only Lazio that lost, but Italian football."

I don't believe the conspiracy theories out there. I don't think Steven Gerrard meant to gift Chelsea that goal. I think he just Brambled Up, just as he has been doing all season long, just as he gifted Arsenal and France goals in the past through similarly stupid passes.

But I shall say this to the Liverpool fans who were actually happy about the defeat. To the Liverpool fans who actually think their captain intentionally threw the game in front of their home crowd. If you believe that is what happened, then your club is really FUBAR, and I extend my condolences to you.

What I also cannot understand is how you people can keep blaming the owners when quite simply the problem lies with the fat Spanish bloke. Everybody knows that Kalou (even though his hairstyle makes him look like a retard) has been in awesome form on the left in the last few months. And armed with that knowledge, he puts fucking Mashimaro at right back to face both Kalou AND Cashley Cole! And after the first 20 minutes when it was clear that Mashimaro is a silly Japanese toy and NOT a fucking right back, he still doesn't put anybody to cover the right wing!

I hope Rafa stays. With him, you'll never win the league again.

I don't think Manyoo lost the league tonight. Some people mentioned the loss to Burnley - I also don't point directly at that. The league is won or lost over a collective 38 games. Whoever has the most points deserves it. It really is quite so simple...

May 01, 2010

A-Z guide for you Scumbags

Alright then you pathetic scumbags. Since you lot desperately expect us to win your Jaguh Kampung for you, here's a bleeding A-Z guide of the team you are rooting for this Sunday.

A is for Agger - He's the delicious Danish. Centre defender also can, left back also can. More importantly, A is for ABU, our lifetime philosophy.

B is for Benitez - He's the fat one in glasses. Unlike Gary Neville, he has a proper goatee. Ego as big as his gut. The best way to get something out of him is to tell him the opposite of what you want.

C is Carragher - He's the one who looks like Jim Carrey. Great defender but totally useless in interviews. Tevez speaks better English than him. By the way, we love Tevez for calling Gary Neville a boot licker. 80% of Guardian reader agrees.

is for Dirk Kuyt. He's my dickiebird. Really works for his money.

E is for El Zhar. Every now and then, he plays.

F is Fernando Morientes. Bloody handsome. But we blinked and he's gone.

G is for Gerrard. He is a much better looking Russel Crowe. Our captain who is not only handsomer than yours but has bigger balls. Check out the close-ups this Sunday.

(Que Sera Sera)

Steve Gerrard, Gerrard,
He kicks the ball 40 yards,
He's big and his facking hard
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard

Of course, G is GOD aka Robbie Fowler. G is also google him if you are a Manure fan who is still in school.

G is also for Gary and Ginger.

Gary and Ginger.

H is Hyppia. Our lovable Grandpa. He's gone. H is also for Didi Hamann. He's gone too. Love him.

I is for I fecking hetchew, manures.

J is for Jerzy Dudek. He is Liverpool's handsomest goalkeeper and he was magic in Istanbul.

K is for King Kenny Daglish. He has a gorgeous daughter. Should have married Jamie Redknapp, our handsomest captain to date, on account that his real father is the milkman. His cousin, Lampoop, doesn't fare so well in the looks department. (Jamie's and Fat Frank's mother are twins.)

Kevin Keegan. He had the best perm in England back when. Cut an album in late 70s although I've never heard any of his songs.

L is for Lucas. He doesn't look like a Brazilian, doesn't move like a Brazilian, but he's Brazilian. He's the one that picks up the soap for the gaffer. Only Rafa can tell you if he's had a Brazilian wax like Cristina Ronaldo.

M is for Macherano - He's the one with the temper. Curly hair. Hairy too, I suspect. M is also for Steve 'I'd kick my own brother if neccessary' Mekmun, Shabby's favourite pundit.

N is for Ngoq, short for Bongok.

O is for Owen. He used to be our Wonder Boy. Now he's your Sick Boy. You can keep him.

P is Pepe Reina, the botakhead who jaga the goal. Sometimes, he's pepet, sometimes he's phenomenal.

Q is for..err...queue to win as many European cups as us?

R is for Riise. He suffers from OCD. Needs to wipe the ball for a minute before throwing it into the field. Sadly, he's gone. I love him, proof that I don't just watch footie for the blokes. R is also for Riera. But Rafa dowan to friend him anymore.

S is for Skrytel. He looks like a skinhead. He won't be playing though so you better not park anywhere near the stadium.

T is for Torres. He's the one with the flowing blonde locks, freckles, pouty lips and rosy cheeks. Vincent fancies him madly. He's our best striker. Unfortunately for you, he won't be playing on Sunday. hahahahahahahaha

U is for U can focking shut yer gob, Sir Alex.

V is Voronin. He looks like Triple H but bloody useless. Robbie Fowler has scored more goals in one season in Australia than Voronin has for Liverpool.

W is for Wembley where Liverpool beat Chelsea for the Charity Shield (2007?) and Men.United in ..err..2003?

X is we don't give a toss anymore and don't care who wins Jaguh Kampung xcept Manure! (Refer to A above)

Y is Yossi Benayoun, Eyeris look-a-like. He's circumsized, I think. Of course, Y is also for You'll Never Walk Alone. Learn it, love it!

Z is for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I haven't slept since Liverpool lost to that blonde dickhead who looks like a pornstar.

My prediction?

Liv 0 - 3 Chelsea. All own goals.