October 27, 2008



*breathe breathe*


Unbeaten home record?
WHAT unbeaten home record?


October 23, 2008

ESBN: Torres' Old Club Versus Torres' New Club

MADRID NOT REAL: It was Nando Peri Peri Torres' night last night as Torres' former club held Torres' current club to a draw, with Torres' himself watching the match on Torres' TV in England last night.

Torres did not play in the match that saw Torres not score the goal that was instead scored by Torres' usual strike partner Robbie "Not Fowler and Not Roy either" Keane, via an assist that was not given by Torres but by Gerrard instead.

Torres was also not playing when Simbamao scored for Torres' old club, which saw Torres' old club share the points with Torres' new club; though Torres might be playing next week for Torres' new club at Torres' new club's stadium against Torres' old club; and that is when Torres will score for Torres' new club against Torres' old club and send Torres' new club through to the knock-out stages of the tournament.

The game also saw Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung play against Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's old club for the first time since Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung joined Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's new club.

October 22, 2008

Waiting for St. Totteringham Day...

(long time no post.)
Arsenal are not having a good start to the season, but if there's one thing that makes us feel better, its that the scum are having a shittier season than us. WAAAA-AAAY shittier. I guess St. Totteringham Day will come early this year...


Question: WHAT'S the difference between Spurs and a toothpick?

Answer: Nothing, they both have two points.


SPURS manager Juande Ramos gets pulled by cops for doing 90mph in a30mph zone. The policeman tells him: "That's three points Mr Ramos."He replies: "Thank you very much."


Question: WHEN do Spurs kick off?

Answer: Every 20 minutes.


I WAS playing Scrabble when I found I had enough letters to make Tottenham Hotspur. I was gutted when I found it was only worth two points.


ON sale at Tottenham's club shop: Spurs tablecloths suitable for anyoccasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time, £4.99.


Question: WHAT is the difference between Spurs and a fork?

Answer: A fork has more points.


SNOW White arrives home to find her home destroyed by fire with allseven dwarves inside. As she scrambles through the wreckage lookingfor survivors, she hears the cry: "Spurs for the Cup." "Thank goodness," sobs Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

How many points did you get today, Juande?

October 21, 2008

I sense a pattern here...

Man City vs. Liverpool:
  • Losing 2-0 at half time.
  • Came back to win 3-2.
  • Opposing player got red card for a tackle on Xabi Alonso.
  • Winning goal scored by Dirk Kuyt in the last five minutes.

Liverpol vs. Wigan:
  • Losing 2-1 at half time.
  • Came back to win 3-2.
  • Opposing player got red card for a tackle on Xabi Alonso.
  • Winning goal scored by Dirk Kuyt in the last five minutes.

so does that mean that...
  • The only way Liverpool will win games this season is if they let the other team score first and Xabi lets someone try to break his leg first?
  • Xabi Alonso is so disliked by other players that they are willing to risk red cards just to break his leg?
  • Dirk Kuyt can actually score goals and do more than run around like a headless chicken?
We'd better not do this against Chelski though. Though maybe Lampard might try a tackle on Xabi again. Or Terry might play rugby again. Who knows?

October 20, 2008

ESBN: I Hereby Dub Thee Headless Scissors Kuyt.

ALL OVER INGERLUND: A Headless Chicken With No Goals suddenly became a scissors-kick goal-scoring machine on Saturday, when Dirk KautKuitKiutwhatever scored two more goals at Anfield, as Liverpool gave more of their fans heart attacks by coming back from 2-1 down to win 3-2 against Wigan.

Wigan had taken the lead thanks to Daniel Agger doing a Titus Bramble, and then later on again through Amr Rizal Zaki's second of the match, but then Valencia got sent off for not liking part of a wall, and not liking Xabi Alonso much either. Then Riera and Dirk Kuyt's scissors kick happened. BUAHAHAHA.

The next day, Tokkokham Hotsoup took another step towards consolidating their place in next year's Championship title race by losing to one of last year's Championship front-runners Stove City. Their manager, Juanseason Ramos is now worried that he is gonna be sacked Juande. Probably soon.

Also in Championship related-news, mighty Hull City beat Zolalalala's Wet Ham team to keep the pressure on the top two. And in other news, here at ESBN, no one cares what Men.United and Chelski are doing, so sod off.

October 14, 2008

kegawatan ekonomi

You know the global economic crisis was bound to hit football clubs at some stage. Eventually.

A Manchester City supporter? Or is it Charlton Athletic now?

Apparently, Bolton Wanderers FC owe lots of money to Singer & Friedlander, the UK arm of Kaupthing Bank from Iceland. Kaupthing Bank was taken over by the Iceland government about two weeks ago. Singer & Friedlander is now in administration - that means bankrupt in plain language. Which means Bolton may have to pay up their debts when the administrator sends his letter of demand to the football club.

Here's something else: Arsenal and Liverpool together owe Royal Bank of Scotland £ 500 million. Royal Bank of Scotland is about to be taken over by the UK government as announced on Monday. Will Arsenal and Liverpool have to pay up their debts on demand too?

Who knows?

n.b. Photo stolen from Telegraph UK

October 09, 2008

ESBN Breaking News! Chelski in Financial Trouble?

SOMEWHERE IN NIGERIA: Hotshot super-bias ESBN reporter eyeris stumbled upon evidence that Russian footy club Chelski may not be as rich as people believe them to be these days.

Already relegated from richest club in the world to SECOND richest club in the world by Middle Eastern Thai restaurant RichMan City, and impressed by the riches of the Nigerian consortium trying to buy Newcastle Comedy Club, Chelski have also come up with their own version of the Nigerian Scam in a desperate bid to regain their crown as the richest club in the world.

No official from the above mentioned supporters club could be reached for contact, probably because there is no such place called StaNford Bridge Fulham Road. Efforts by grammar police to arrest the scam artists for bad punctuation and lack of paragraphs were also futile.

Meanwhile, rumors that formerly prolific Hantu Bola founder Tigerjoe was seen in front of a camera posing like an underwear model wearing nothing but his Chelsea jersey were unfounded at press time.

October 06, 2008

Newcastle Comedy Club's Newest Act: The Potty Mouthed Ringmaster

Welcome to the Newcastle Comedy Club.

This is its circus:

And behold, their (temporary) ringmaster:

With all the news about some Nigerian scam artists trying to buy the club, the team's comedy performances even without Titus Bramble and Boumsong (the game against Everton was an anomaly IMHO, because Everton suck too), you'd think things couldn't possibly get any funnier at the club.

But no... enter the new ringmaster Joe Kinnear, whose stand-up comedy routine last week in front of the press was IMHO, is the most brilliantly foul-mouthed press conference by a manager EVER:

Here we go:


JK: Which one is Simon Bird (Daily Mirror's north-east football writer)?

SB: Me.

JK: You're a cunt.

SB: Thank you.

JK: Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK: I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB: It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB: Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK: Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB: You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK: What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB: I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?


If you wanna read the whole transcript, go HERE.

And for more laughs, check out Guardian's audio file of Joe Kinnear's X-rated rant as read by computer. It's fucking brilliant, you cunts. go listen to it.

ESBN: The Incredible Hulk Smashes HotSoup

Mild Mannered Hull City morphed into the Incredible Hulk City to smash (and grab) a 1-0 at Totteringham Hotsoup, depriving Spurs fans their one and only derisive chant against their hated rivals Arsenal ("NEH NEH, WE'RE BOTTOM BUT YOU LOST TO HULL CITY NEH NEH").

Meanwhile, Middle Eastern footy club Rich Man City underlined their ambitions to break into the top four by beating Liverpool 2-0 in the first 45 minutes of the game.

Fortunately for Liverpool, they managed to get something out of the game after Nando Flaming Hot Peri-Peri scored two goals, and then Dirk Headless One-Goal-Out-Of-Five-Chances Kuyt finally scored one of his five chances, to send one particularly super-bias Hantu Bola delirious with joy.

Rumours that colour-confused Brazilian RobinWho was seen asking his agent why the option of the colour red had never been raised, were unfounded at press time.

In other news, apparently no one cares about Chelski or Men.United games here on ESBN, so nothing will be said about their games over the weekend. But let us all have a quick chuckle at how Sunderland did over the weekend, shall we? *yuk yuk*