December 30, 2008

top 10 quotes of the year

Because the other big sites have not released their version and I cannot rip it off them, I have taken the liberty of compiling my own list based on our HantuBola posts this year and to my best recollection...

"Everyone deserves a second chance. If this club allowed a player that spat in the face of an opponent to coach the team, then why not give Adriano another chance to play?" - We start with Jose Mourinho's classes on How to Lose Friends & Alienate People as he takes a pot shot at former Inter assistant and current Bologna manager Sinisa Mihajlovic who, while playing for Lazio in 2003 was suspended for 8 games for spitting at Chelsea's Adrian Mutu.

"I love my pink boots. I've wanted to play in that colour ever since I was young." - Nicklas Bendtner confuses football with bad fashion statement in a travesty rivalling Liverpool's white Armani suits

"I will never stay to live in England, that's for sure. You get only a brief glimpse of sunlight before it's all cloudy again. The winters are mild, but in summer the temperatures seldom go higher than 20 degrees. And it rains, rains, rains. In England, they say that Manchester is the city of rain. Its main attraction is considered to be the timetable at the railway station, where trains leave for other, less rainy cities" - Nemanja Vidic gives good travel advice to the readers of the Russian Football Weekly. He would go on deny that he ever said those nasty things. Obviously.

"No Steve, if Rafa leaves out Torres, he is not shooting himself in the foot. He is shooting himself in the head." - everybody's favourite pundit Shebby Singh arguing with Steve 'baldie' McMahon on Rafa's team selections for the Inter Milan game.

"I am not a big city man, I need my retreat - that is why I am often in Germany. Stuttgart is my second home, my friends are there and it is where I feel most comfortable," - Alex Hleb tells the world why he wants out of North London but conveniently forgets that Stuttgart is the 3rd largest city region in Germany - before going on to say, "There is a lot of speculation about me, and I will not be making statements on this and stirring it up further." Oops. Too late.

"Which one is Simon Bird (from The Daily Mirror)?"
"You're a cunt."
- Joe 'fuckin' Kinnear (JFK) starts his press conference/monologue which must surely hold some sort of record for 52 swear words in 3 minutes.

"Well, that's Sepp Blatter. 50 ideas a day, 51 of them bad." - our hero Shebby is on fire this year, talking about Sepp Blatter's idea of dealing with dangerous tackles by banning them for life and pressing charges against them.

"For the money Chelsea have paid for Anelka and the amount he earns in wages - believed to be almost £90,000 per week - they would have been within their rights to send him on as Coco the Clown and expect him to take a penalty." - Columnist for The Observer, Paul Wilson on Le Sulk whining about not being prepared to take THE losing penalty.

"We know that Arsene Wenger likes the look of Arshavin. But I like the look of Angelina Jolie and it doesn't always mean you get what you want." - Andrei Arshavin's agent, Dennis Lachter shares with the class his intimate fantasies.

"Do you think it's a lack of respect when for three months, a coach studies Italian four or five hours per day so when he arrives for the first time in a new country he can speak with fans and journalists in their language? After five years in England, Ranieri still had trouble saying 'good afternoon' and 'good morning.' - Jose Mourinho after he was criticized for 'lack of respect' by the media for letting his assistant Giuseppe Baresi attend a post match press conference in his place. Best quote of the year by far.

December 29, 2008

Steven Jialat so macho wor

29/12/2008 15:56

Breaking News: Liverpool Skipper Steven Gerrard Arrested

Apparently, just hours after an heroic performance, the Liverpool hero has had one of his darkest hours as a footballer and now finds himself in jail...

According to BBC News, Liverpool and England talisman Steven Gerrard has today been arrested by police.

At 2:30 AM this morning, an incident occurred in a pub in Southport, with Gerrard arrested following an alleged assault.

A 34-year-old man ended up in hospital with facial injuries.

Six men have been detained, including the footballer, having been arrested near the pub after the unsavoury event. The ages of the detained men, who come from Huyton, Formby and Litherland, range from 18 to 33.

Having spent the remainder of the night behind bars, Gerrard is reportedly being quizzed by Merseyside Police, who would only say: "We are investigating an assault in the early hours of the morning on Lord Street.

"Officers detained six people on suspicion of Section 20 assault."

A Section 20 is 'Wounding & Assault causing Grievous Bodily Harm'.

Gerrard's exact involvement in the incident remains unclear. He was hours earlier Liverpool's hero, having helped the Reds with two goals and an incredible performance to spearhead the 5-1 destruction of Newcastle United, which kept his side top of the Premier League as 2008 draws to a close, for the first time in several years now looking like genuine contenders for the coveted crown.

Greg Ptolomey,

Rumour that Robbie Fowler was somehow involved was totally unfounded.

December 26, 2008

Singapore Beats The Sh!t out of Vietnam

Off the field, I mean.

Sore losers burn Vietnamese flag and beat up rival supporters after second leg semi-final loss to Vietnam

Taken from

National Stadium, Sunday, December 21, 2008 - Some Singaporeans showed last night what idiots they were when they criminally attacked Vietnamese supporters who were celebrating outside the stadium after the game, leaving some with bloodied faces.

Singapore lost 0-1 last night in the second leg semi-final of the ASEAN Football Championship against Vietnam and for some ‘fans’, it was apparently too much to bear.

Wow, but i guess we won't have to worry about it happening to us, coz Malaysia isn't going to beat our southern neighb... never mind.

December 22, 2008

best team in the planet

Oooo oooo did you hear?




Don't play play....itu Liverpoo pun tarak menang...

*gloat gloat gloat gloat gloat*


Look, we don't really blog much and stuff these days but we still do drink a lot.

This Boxing Day, we are going to do what we do best - watch football while drinking a lot.

Date: Boxing Day
Place : The Magnificent Fish & Chips Shop, Changkat Bukit Bintang (opposite Frangipani)
Time: 9pm till drunk

I can confirm that a bottle of Belvedere (or Glenfidich, I haven't decided yet) shall be in attendance, as well as the usual Ms Jamesons.

If you are interested, leave us a message in the comments box or drop us a line at

And for the uninitiated, this is NOT a bloggers' meet okay. Cameras are strictly prohibited. Leave your SLRs or IXUS at home. Any joker turning up with a camera will turned away and be called a blogger (which is pretty insulting, really).

Considering the fact that we are in fact a bunch of lazy idiots, we would like to reiterate as usual, that we are ALWAYS looking for good contributors, who are capable of funny posts or have a natural born talent of being able to piss the shit out of other people.

If you are interested, or know somebody who is up to the task, please write to us at, stating your name (or pseudonym) and affiliation. We will then give you a 'writen' exam, since we need to preserve the crappiness of this website. Remember, we are looking for people who take the piss of others and annoy green fanta children. If we were looking for long insightful (and inoffensive) articles, we would be reading Soccernet or something.

Last but not least, I know how annoying this fella is to you people, and this is a fucking awesome picture, so here we go again:

December 01, 2008

ESBN: Ultraman Kembali Lagi!

MANCHESTER: In a game that no one else is interested in besides people in Manchester and kids drinking green fanta, the Manchester derby was won by the Men.United team, despite having Doi Doi Ronaldo sent off for trying to Ultraman the ball into the goal.

Reports that Man City keeper Joe Hart-to-beat-from-the-halfway-line later tried to destroy downtown Tokyo in a rubber monster suit was unfounded at press time.

In other news, Invinsible Ruski footy team Chelski lost their er... TWO-game unbeaten EPL streak to the Arsenal No-One-Between 23-30 team on Sunday, as Robbing Van Persie robbed Chelski of all the points with a wonderful offside goal.

Over in the other part of London, Lotsofham Hotsoup went down to an Everton team who are so poor that Piennar had to share jerseys with Leon Osman. And another london club, Fulofham continued their quest to become the first team to survive relegation without scoring or letting in a single goal throughout the season.

November 14, 2008

better late than never

I had been waiting for more than a year to do this:


November 08, 2008

Thank you, fank you, spank you Gooners - Part 2

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, Robbie Fowler slipped one up an Algerian girl and knocked her up.

Many, many years later, the son, who looks just like Fowler, grew up to be a footballer too.

And tonight, Samir Nasri-Fowler did his father proud by scoring two against his father's most hated team.

Thank you Fowler for not pulling out in time.


Thank you, fank you, spank you Part 1 here, here, here, and here.

November 05, 2008

November 02, 2008

lelaki mantap

Macam mana kamu olang all mau memang itu Liga Unggul? Boleh kalah sama itu skum....Lu olang bikin stiap kali boleh kasi last minute memang kah? Sudah manyak kali la...Skrang padan muka banyak banyak kasi ini Judas memang..

Hahahahahihihi... - Get free polls, widgets, opinions and earn points!


Tee hee.

Tee hee hee.


I really just want to say one thing:

Fai ji-lo! Fai ji-lo! Fai ji-lo! Fai ji-lo! Fai ji-lo!

That was actually five things, kan?

CIBAI #4395382495300

MCH. I hate Harry Redknapp.

What, Spurs made their bloody crossbar and goalpost bigger than normal is it? Hit the post SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. CIBAI.

FUCK. At least it was an AWAY game. CIBAI.

October 27, 2008



*breathe breathe*


Unbeaten home record?
WHAT unbeaten home record?


October 23, 2008

ESBN: Torres' Old Club Versus Torres' New Club

MADRID NOT REAL: It was Nando Peri Peri Torres' night last night as Torres' former club held Torres' current club to a draw, with Torres' himself watching the match on Torres' TV in England last night.

Torres did not play in the match that saw Torres not score the goal that was instead scored by Torres' usual strike partner Robbie "Not Fowler and Not Roy either" Keane, via an assist that was not given by Torres but by Gerrard instead.

Torres was also not playing when Simbamao scored for Torres' old club, which saw Torres' old club share the points with Torres' new club; though Torres might be playing next week for Torres' new club at Torres' new club's stadium against Torres' old club; and that is when Torres will score for Torres' new club against Torres' old club and send Torres' new club through to the knock-out stages of the tournament.

The game also saw Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung play against Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's old club for the first time since Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung joined Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's new club.

October 22, 2008

Waiting for St. Totteringham Day...

(long time no post.)
Arsenal are not having a good start to the season, but if there's one thing that makes us feel better, its that the scum are having a shittier season than us. WAAAA-AAAY shittier. I guess St. Totteringham Day will come early this year...


Question: WHAT'S the difference between Spurs and a toothpick?

Answer: Nothing, they both have two points.


SPURS manager Juande Ramos gets pulled by cops for doing 90mph in a30mph zone. The policeman tells him: "That's three points Mr Ramos."He replies: "Thank you very much."


Question: WHEN do Spurs kick off?

Answer: Every 20 minutes.


I WAS playing Scrabble when I found I had enough letters to make Tottenham Hotspur. I was gutted when I found it was only worth two points.


ON sale at Tottenham's club shop: Spurs tablecloths suitable for anyoccasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time, £4.99.


Question: WHAT is the difference between Spurs and a fork?

Answer: A fork has more points.


SNOW White arrives home to find her home destroyed by fire with allseven dwarves inside. As she scrambles through the wreckage lookingfor survivors, she hears the cry: "Spurs for the Cup." "Thank goodness," sobs Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

How many points did you get today, Juande?

October 21, 2008

I sense a pattern here...

Man City vs. Liverpool:
  • Losing 2-0 at half time.
  • Came back to win 3-2.
  • Opposing player got red card for a tackle on Xabi Alonso.
  • Winning goal scored by Dirk Kuyt in the last five minutes.

Liverpol vs. Wigan:
  • Losing 2-1 at half time.
  • Came back to win 3-2.
  • Opposing player got red card for a tackle on Xabi Alonso.
  • Winning goal scored by Dirk Kuyt in the last five minutes.

so does that mean that...
  • The only way Liverpool will win games this season is if they let the other team score first and Xabi lets someone try to break his leg first?
  • Xabi Alonso is so disliked by other players that they are willing to risk red cards just to break his leg?
  • Dirk Kuyt can actually score goals and do more than run around like a headless chicken?
We'd better not do this against Chelski though. Though maybe Lampard might try a tackle on Xabi again. Or Terry might play rugby again. Who knows?

October 20, 2008

ESBN: I Hereby Dub Thee Headless Scissors Kuyt.

ALL OVER INGERLUND: A Headless Chicken With No Goals suddenly became a scissors-kick goal-scoring machine on Saturday, when Dirk KautKuitKiutwhatever scored two more goals at Anfield, as Liverpool gave more of their fans heart attacks by coming back from 2-1 down to win 3-2 against Wigan.

Wigan had taken the lead thanks to Daniel Agger doing a Titus Bramble, and then later on again through Amr Rizal Zaki's second of the match, but then Valencia got sent off for not liking part of a wall, and not liking Xabi Alonso much either. Then Riera and Dirk Kuyt's scissors kick happened. BUAHAHAHA.

The next day, Tokkokham Hotsoup took another step towards consolidating their place in next year's Championship title race by losing to one of last year's Championship front-runners Stove City. Their manager, Juanseason Ramos is now worried that he is gonna be sacked Juande. Probably soon.

Also in Championship related-news, mighty Hull City beat Zolalalala's Wet Ham team to keep the pressure on the top two. And in other news, here at ESBN, no one cares what Men.United and Chelski are doing, so sod off.

October 14, 2008

kegawatan ekonomi

You know the global economic crisis was bound to hit football clubs at some stage. Eventually.

A Manchester City supporter? Or is it Charlton Athletic now?

Apparently, Bolton Wanderers FC owe lots of money to Singer & Friedlander, the UK arm of Kaupthing Bank from Iceland. Kaupthing Bank was taken over by the Iceland government about two weeks ago. Singer & Friedlander is now in administration - that means bankrupt in plain language. Which means Bolton may have to pay up their debts when the administrator sends his letter of demand to the football club.

Here's something else: Arsenal and Liverpool together owe Royal Bank of Scotland £ 500 million. Royal Bank of Scotland is about to be taken over by the UK government as announced on Monday. Will Arsenal and Liverpool have to pay up their debts on demand too?

Who knows?

n.b. Photo stolen from Telegraph UK

October 09, 2008

ESBN Breaking News! Chelski in Financial Trouble?

SOMEWHERE IN NIGERIA: Hotshot super-bias ESBN reporter eyeris stumbled upon evidence that Russian footy club Chelski may not be as rich as people believe them to be these days.

Already relegated from richest club in the world to SECOND richest club in the world by Middle Eastern Thai restaurant RichMan City, and impressed by the riches of the Nigerian consortium trying to buy Newcastle Comedy Club, Chelski have also come up with their own version of the Nigerian Scam in a desperate bid to regain their crown as the richest club in the world.

No official from the above mentioned supporters club could be reached for contact, probably because there is no such place called StaNford Bridge Fulham Road. Efforts by grammar police to arrest the scam artists for bad punctuation and lack of paragraphs were also futile.

Meanwhile, rumors that formerly prolific Hantu Bola founder Tigerjoe was seen in front of a camera posing like an underwear model wearing nothing but his Chelsea jersey were unfounded at press time.

October 06, 2008

Newcastle Comedy Club's Newest Act: The Potty Mouthed Ringmaster

Welcome to the Newcastle Comedy Club.

This is its circus:

And behold, their (temporary) ringmaster:

With all the news about some Nigerian scam artists trying to buy the club, the team's comedy performances even without Titus Bramble and Boumsong (the game against Everton was an anomaly IMHO, because Everton suck too), you'd think things couldn't possibly get any funnier at the club.

But no... enter the new ringmaster Joe Kinnear, whose stand-up comedy routine last week in front of the press was IMHO, is the most brilliantly foul-mouthed press conference by a manager EVER:

Here we go:


JK: Which one is Simon Bird (Daily Mirror's north-east football writer)?

SB: Me.

JK: You're a cunt.

SB: Thank you.

JK: Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK: I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB: It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB: Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK: Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB: You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK: What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB: I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?


If you wanna read the whole transcript, go HERE.

And for more laughs, check out Guardian's audio file of Joe Kinnear's X-rated rant as read by computer. It's fucking brilliant, you cunts. go listen to it.

ESBN: The Incredible Hulk Smashes HotSoup

Mild Mannered Hull City morphed into the Incredible Hulk City to smash (and grab) a 1-0 at Totteringham Hotsoup, depriving Spurs fans their one and only derisive chant against their hated rivals Arsenal ("NEH NEH, WE'RE BOTTOM BUT YOU LOST TO HULL CITY NEH NEH").

Meanwhile, Middle Eastern footy club Rich Man City underlined their ambitions to break into the top four by beating Liverpool 2-0 in the first 45 minutes of the game.

Fortunately for Liverpool, they managed to get something out of the game after Nando Flaming Hot Peri-Peri scored two goals, and then Dirk Headless One-Goal-Out-Of-Five-Chances Kuyt finally scored one of his five chances, to send one particularly super-bias Hantu Bola delirious with joy.

Rumours that colour-confused Brazilian RobinWho was seen asking his agent why the option of the colour red had never been raised, were unfounded at press time.

In other news, apparently no one cares about Chelski or Men.United games here on ESBN, so nothing will be said about their games over the weekend. But let us all have a quick chuckle at how Sunderland did over the weekend, shall we? *yuk yuk*

September 29, 2008

ESBN: One Hull Of An Arse Kicking

EMIRATES BUT NOT DUBAI: Mighty Hull City were given a scare on Saturday when they went a goal-down to the Arsenal MSSM team at the Emirates Airport.

However, against an Arsenal team that had beaten Hull City's main rivals for next year's Championship title Sheffield Not-Very-United 6-0 with their primary school MSSM team, Hull managed to claw back to win 2-1 thanks to a superb goal by Brazilian Geology, and then a header that was superbly not defended by Arse captain William Gall-less.

In another game, Red Liverpool beat Blue Liverpool on a turf of Green while a man in Black waved some Yellow cards around. No other colours of the rainbow or Care Bears were reachable for comment, although a dubious-looking be-spectacled bear with a goatee was seen shouting at Robbie Keane to bloody get a goal already.

In other news, American volleyball team Men.United managed to crash through a bus on the way to winning at Bolton; while Russian-bottlers Chelski beat Stoke City after their captain bribed some Stoke fans with a tracksuit and maybe some of his Moscow-bottled vodka.

Middle Eastern former Thai food connoisseurs Man No Women Allowed City lost to Titus Bramble's Wigan, who clinched the diving gold medal with a penalty won by a brilliant somersault/flip/crash by Palacios, who might have hit a pigeon when he hurled himself through the air after being 'tackled' by Garrido.

Oh, and there was much laughter to be had as Newcastle and Tottenham continued to battle it out in their quest to become the funniest comedy acts in EPL since Massimo Taibi.

September 23, 2008

Be a millionaire overnight

Due to the sudden death of my Father General Abacha the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the present administration.

I have lost confidence with anybody within my country.

I am now looking to buy a football club to fill my time and to get out of the country and into the English tabloids.

After careful research, I have come to the conclusion that Newcastle United is the best club to buy. Their captain is still scoring despite playing for Newcastle.

However, my government does not allow Nigerians to invest outside the country.

As such, I would need your help to get my money out of Nigeria.

I got your contacts through personal research, and had to reach you through this medium. I will give you more details when you reply.

Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted you.

My Father deposited £350 million with a security firm whose name is witheld for now till we communicate.

I will be happy if you can receive this funds and keep it safe. I assure you 20% of this fund.

Please help me help Newcastle.

I promise I will bring Kevin Keegan back and treat him with the respect a former Liverpool hero deserves. Naturally, I will maintain another former Liverpool hero, Michael Owen as the captain.

I will need your telephone/mobile numbers so that we can commence communication. I also require a one-time only fee of 350 quid as a sign of intent. This is necessary since I'm sure many people would be interested in helping me and I only want to deal with those who are serious about this.

Yours truly,
Mustaffa 'Magpie' Maallam

September 22, 2008

Matematik EPL Darjah Tiga

Chelski = Men.United
Men.United < Liverpool.
Liverpool = Stoke City.

Stoke City > (Men.United = Chelski).

(Stoke City = Liverpool) > (Men.United = Chelski).

Faktor Yang Diabaikan:
((Stoke City = Liverpool) > (Men.United = Chelski)) (Fulham > Arsenal)

September 21, 2008


Liverpool fans all over the place must be quite relieved that their team avoided defeat against a team that looked like Brazil. They almost scored one against the pretend Samba Boys, too.


September 17, 2008

ESBN: Ingerlish FA Allows Rugby In EPL Matches

NOWHERE NEAR THE ALL-BLACKS OR SPRINGBOKS: The Ingerlund Footy association have decide to lend their rugby colleagues a hand in their bid to regain the Rugby World Cup they last won in 2003 and lost to South Africa in 2007; by allowing them to train potential players in the EPL.

This landmark move was field tested successfully last weekend, when Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry rugby tackled Manchester City's YO! JO! to the ground in a successful attempt to stop YO! JO! from scoring a try.

An attempt by the referee to throw a red card into the works was dismissed yesterday, as the red card was torn up, thus allowing Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry the chance to continue his rugby training this weekend, when the OTHER team from Manchester comes a-calling.

Rumours that Nehnehmanja Vidic tried appealing to get rid of HIS red card and to get kickboxing allowed in EPL matches, was unfounded at press time. A tall goalkeeper and a ginger head midfielder were also seen loitering outside the FA's office holding volleyballs.

September 14, 2008

ESBN: Liverpool win Thanks to Van The Suck and A Turf Of Grass

ALL OVER THE WORLD: Almost every single English Pub League supporter in the world was cheering as the U in ABU failed to conjure up their usual lucky last-minute sucker punch at Anfield on Saturday night.

Instead, Liverpool took all three points thanks to a wonderful shot by a turf of grass on the field, who shot it pass the keeper and two defenders after collecting a pass from Ryan Babelfish, who in turn collected a pass from Dirk Not-So-Headless-But-Still-Goalless Kuyt, who collected a pass from Mashimaro, who stole it from an Old Man Giggs who was more fascinated with watching the ball roll out than actually kicking it.

Earlier, it seemed as though the sucker punch had come early for Men.United, as a pudgy Colour TV scored (and then amusingly proceeded to make out with the inside of his arm) from a Bahbahtof assist, before eyeris even had a chance to order his beer.

However, Team MUSA's latest volleyball star, Edwin Van The Suck, turned out to be the savior of Team Gillette sHick (triple-balded for closer shave). Instead of going for a dig to save a Xabi Alonso miscued spike, he decided to go and punch his comedy sparring partner Where's Brown in the knees instead; which resulted in a hilarious comedy routine with and an own goal that Titus Bramble would have been proud of. It gave Liverpool only their second goal against MUSA in eight games (both ironically scored by Men.United players).

Soon after the winning goal NehNehManja Vidic gave the game it's customary red card after he executed a kungfu elbow on Xabi Alonso. Funnily enough, the referee didn't seem too keen to send him off, preferring to show him only a second yellow card, before eventually reluctantly pulling out the red one.

In other news, the Mighty Hull City continued their charge towards next year's Championship title by beating next year's Championship rivals Newcastle Comedy Club. And the Arsenal MSSM team got 4 goals against the Incey Old Liverpool Players' Retirement Home.

Meanwhile, some Brazilian player who probably regrets signing for the club with a lighter shade of blue, scored a splendid goal that was soon eclipsed by three more goals by the other team in blue, which he now probably wishes he'd signed for instead.

At the same game, John Terryble decided that it would be too easy playing a Vidic-less MUSA next weekend, so he decided to even the odds for their rivals by indulging in a little rugby, and getting himself sent off as well.

September 02, 2008

ESBN: Shopping Frenzy on last Day of Mega Sale

NOWHERE NEAR MANCHESTER: It was shopping madness on the last day of the Malaysian Mega Sale, as teams in the Barclays/AirAsia/Sony/McDonalds/Celcom/Nokia EPL rushed to the hypermarkets to buy new players for rival fans to jeer at.

Dimdim Byebyetov said bye bye to Spurs and went over to American volleyball team Men.United, who have also let their latest can of soup go the other way on loan. Liverpool got themselves another Spanish dude as well as a tub of margarine named Vitor Flora (Editor: credit to Tigerjoe for the margarine line); and at the same time offloading a tub of lard named Voronin, as well as Finnan, who suddenly had to start learning how to speak Spanish.

In other news, a lost Brazilian football player was found wandering the streets of London asking for directions to a 'club with blue shirts, no not Chelsea'. Unconfirmed eyewitness reports said that said player arrived in Heathrow Airport on Sunday, and had been asking for directions to 'Manchester United City', and cussing aloud in Spanish after being told that it was nowhere near London.

August 30, 2008

This Just In....

Man versus Zen

Man lost.

The End.

Ps. That's one hell of a volleyball spike, Paul.

August 21, 2008

Gooners Add Vintage Piece to Antique Defenders Collection

NOWHERE NEAR DUBAI: Gooner manager Arse Wanker added yet another valuable antique to his burgeoning collection of vintage antique defenders last night when Mikael "I'm French" Silvestre joined them for a handsome price of 750000 Monopoly dollars from Team MUSA.

Contrary to reports that he only collects mint, virgin under-20-year-old players, Wenger has also shown a keen eye for vintage classic over-30 pieces as well, as Silvestre joins former Chelski player William "Captain Crybaby" Gallas, at the Emirates Airport. Rumour is, they have already booked adjoining beds at the Gooner's treatment room, and are looking forward to some quality Frenching time together there in the near future.

Rumours that Wenger has his eyes set next on highly-valued (by Rafa, that is) Liverpool antique Grampa Hyypia were unfounded at press time, despite much hoping from Liverpool supporters.

In other news, the national English pub side drew 2-2 with a team ranked eighth in the world, the Czech Republic; a remarkable achievement for the pub side, considering they had Emile Heskey in the squad.

August 18, 2008

Team MUSA Stay On Course For Dodgeball Gold Medal

(picture taken from BBC)

NOT BEIJING: Team MUSA's quest for the Olympic dodgeball gold medal continued last night, as they sent out their best under-23 team against the carToon Army who underlined their aspirations to win the EPL by recruiting cartoon superheroes instead of players.

Meanwhile, the French under-23 team also won, title favorites Hull City outclassed Fullofham, dan Torres Datang Lagi Dengan Permainan Goal Yang HEBAT!

The game at Old Trafficlight last night was a fabulous display of world-class dodgeball, the best the Olympics have seen. The highlight came when Paul Scholes, one of several over-30 players in the AManYoocan team, fired an amazing shot straight at Mysterious-virus-carrier Rooney's ass; while Fraizer Campbell headed another amazingly accurate shot at carToon keeper Shay Not-Given-Away's forehead.

Defender Steven Taylor's College also had a good day, taking out several MUSA players with some brilliant kicks to the shins.

In the end, it was the carToon who lost out, as their forward Obefunnyname Martins completely missed a shot at striking out MUSA's keeper by heading wide and into the keeper's goal instead. Fortunately for them, two minutes later, MUSA's Darren Flatchair returned the favour, kicking the ball AWAY from Given instead of at him.

Dumbasses. Don't they know how to play dodgeball properly?


August 14, 2008

Forget Carlsberg. Drink Belgian Beer.

HOEGAARDEN LAND: Liverpool's season is now over, according to esteemed football pundits, as they demonstrated how NOT to lose a game even when there is a penalty awarded against you.

In a land where most of the local beers are much better than Carlsberg, captain Steven Gerrard managed to inspire the team to play like the bench he was sitting on, and was so inspiring that most of the players on the pitch played like a kaki bangku in a kampung football paddy field.

In fact, the game was so exciting overall that I can't even find anymore words to describe it. So I shan't.

In other news, Steve Mclaren made an impressive debut as manager of Twente, continuing his fine England managerial form by losing only 2-0 to Arsenal even without using his umbrella.

August 11, 2008

Team USA Win The Gold Medal Formerly Known as the Charity Shield

A PLACE NOWHERE NEAR BEIJING: Plucky Team USA held on valiantly against a superiorly older Pottymouth team to win the Gold Medal for the Cup Formerly Known As The Charity Shield last night.

They won through penalties after withstanding an onslaught of attacks by the country's most prominent striker (prominent in the sense that he will stick out in a crowd anytime) - Peter Crouch and his little pet Defoe.

The match itself was so spectacular that I could not handle the pressure. so to keep from fallign asleep, I had to keep flipping channels to the Olympics Basketball competition where the NBA All-Star Team were giving Yao Ming and his ragtag Chinese team a lesson on "How to win a game using only slam dunks".

One of the highlights of the game was striker Darren Fletcher attempting to score a spectacular goal by sliding in towards goal and connecting with the ball using his spine; and an attempt by a Pottymouth player to take Carlos Tevez's boots off as a souvenir before the game was over.

When it came down to penalties, the Men.United players were so nervous that they could only net three penalties as compared to the five against Chelski last season; but it was still enough for them to win the series 3-1 as Glen Johnson proved that even former Chelsea defenders are not immune to the John Terry Syndrome.

In other news... fuck Barry. Keep Alonso already.

August 04, 2008

malaysian football, part 151385

Okaylah I know my news is outdated since the Malaysia - Chelsea game was a good one week ago, but some thoughts on the game. Note that since I work in a Hicktown, I did not get to watch the game, but these opinions are based on the millions of blogs that posted pictures, plus the hundreds of match reports and newspaper articles covering the game:

1) Any Malaysian who goes to a game where Malaysia is playing and wears the shirt of the opposition team needs to be shot, hung and castrated. When Manyoo came to town, I wore a yellow shirt. Most reports stated that the stadium was filled with a sea of blue jerseys and most photos I have seen have had a sizeable number of blue shirts in them. Since when were there so many Chelsea fans anyway?! In the 24 years I have existed on this planet, I have only met ONE Chelsea fan.

2) What's even worse than wearing the jersey of the opposition team is the actual cheering of the opposition team. There is nothing wrong with applauding a good goal or a fantastic team play but supporting the team your national squad is playing against is downright treason.

3) Okay this includes Manyoo and even Brazil when they came but I think it has gone to a ridiculous scale with Chelsea. Why do we worship these fuckers who come to our country and don't acknowledge the fans? If they came to sell shirts, then surely the PR needs to be improved. And it is pointless if they come just to play a meaningless game. Any team that wants to come to sell shirts should have some sort of 'technology transfer'. It can either be in the form of a coaching clinic for school kids, a joint training session with the national team players, or a sharing of coaching techniques for our local coaches and managers. What has Malaysian football gained from this circus? NOTHING.

4) I know blogs are supposed to be the 'new media' and shit, but it is fucking ridiculous when companies hire bloggers that know JACK SHITE about football, write rubbish, fucking up a simple football post and wasting a perfectly good opportunity to get an insight into the professional game by asking fucking stupid questions at an interview session.

I am sure Blackburn would be well happy to be acknowledged as the NEW Chelsea, but if you can fuck up such a simple thing like that, you have no business writing about football, much less covering a football event.

FUCK. It's not just that idiot. Why are all the journalists asking such moronic questions. Who doesn't already know Carlo Cuducini's goals for next season? Fucking dumb question, that's what it is. Off the top of my head, a few good questions: Carlo, please describe the Italian set-up for youth football. How were you 'discovered'? Which country do you think has a better youth set-up - Italy or England?

5) Back to the game, instead of saying our guys had a good game, people have been saying that Chelsea 'give chance' since it's ONLY 2-0. Sure give chance one. We suck, you know. We can't possible lose by ONLY two goals. So, if we play like shit, you say it is expected since we suck. If we get a 'good' result, it is because the other team 'gave chance.' FUCK YOU. Why on Earth would anybody want represent the national team? Why would any kid grow up with the dream of donning the national team jersey?

And you people wonder why Malaysian football is in the doldrums....

July 29, 2008

Arsenal Rocks Phuket

Look what Jinjang Jane and Joe discovered.....

Me : Is Arsenal very big in Thailand?
Thai SA : brother blablablabalbalabla
Me : Ohh...Manchester United and Chelsea?
Thai SA : No no...Arsenal....Arsenal...

Kop Khun Kha, we love you Phuket. We love you Arsenal. We love you Thailand.

July 25, 2008

Eh? Liverpool Bongok?

Actually I mis-read the headline on one of our favourite "serious" football news websites. Intentionally. Or force of habit, perhaps.

I want to say he looks like the fler from the Harold & Kumar movies. But I haven't made up my mind yet. Here's a little desccription of The Ngok who's just signed for Liverpool:

The Anfield club described the forward as "one of the brightest young talents in French football" and "lightening quick", although Ngog, the cousin of the former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season...


Cousin of Boumsong.
One goal in 18 matches.


July 11, 2008

ESBN: Christy Ronaldo Remakes Britney Spears Hit!

SOMEWHERE IN INGERLUND: Adolf's favorite player Christina Ronaldoidoi took a stab at pop stardom today, as he announced today that he will be releasing a single soon - a remake of Britney Spears classic pop song entitled "I'm A Slave 4 MU'.

Recorded with a distinctive Spanish flavour to it, the single is likely to be well-received all over England, except one tiny spot on the map called Old Trafficlight. It is also likely to be a big hit in Spain, especially in Madrid.

Doi Doi was inspired to release the single after KFIFAC head honcho Special Platter singled him out as a slave to the American Major Premier League Soccer team. Abraham Lincoln could not be reached for comment at this time.

Rumours that a poor man's Michael Jackson named Nani will sing backup vocals on the single were also unfounded at press time.