MANCHESTER: The best team in the land returned from their away trip to Sunderland top of the table after destroying Captain Keano's spirited side 4-0. This despite old man Giggsy, ugly man Tevez and midget man Evra being rested and starting with the worst possible central midfield pairing of Carrick and Fletcher.
It may have been a great result for the Mancurians, but elsewhere in England, LuckyPool FC churned out a fantastic result in their hard fought win over the future Coca Cola Championship winners Derby County. The Rams are in imperious form, chalking up 1 point in their last game against Power Ranger Toon club, Newcastle and so nearly won another massive point until StevieMe received a magnificent pass from Derby defender James McEverly inside the 6 yard box. Witnesses said Mr McEverly later threw a fit in the box after realising his stupidity.
Elsewhere, in the boring game of hockey, Chelsea were held 4-4 by Aston Villa. Despite the referee mistaking his red-cards for Christmas cards and showing 3 players the door, there was minimal on-field protest. Suspicions that this was due to John Terry not being on the pitch were confirmed as it turned out that he really wasn't on the pitch. Other shocking events at the game include Fat Frank Lampy being carried off injured while the best goalkeeper in the world (konon) and the world's most expensive flop striker (betul) decided to swap their form book just for the heck of it.
In other games, Micheal Owen's team played shite. And lost. Again. Phil Neville showed during this Christmas season that miracles do happen as he scored from 35 yards out in the Blue Scousers' win over Bolton. Totenham Hotshit beat Full of Ham (should be turkey ham) 5-1.
Arsenal's kids could not beat Portsmouth and had to settle for a 0-0 draw. Reports that the children's downbeat performance was due to them staying up till 12 am to wait for Santa to deliver their presents the previos day was unconfirmed as other sources reported their draw was due to the kids' excitement of opening their presents on Boxing Day morning. Other reports that Manuel Almunia gave Jens Lehmann a pacifier was also dismissed as Mad Jens was deemed too old to receive presents.