ESBN: Reckless Vagina

POTTYMOUTH: The new owner of Pottymouth club came out of the closet today, declaring that the club's Faraj was reckless, and because of that, the club now needs stabilizing to ensure that future transactions will remain reproductive.

In a bid to score with the club's fannys, Pottymouth's new owner Ballsram Cincai declared that he wants to pimp the club to the most responsible client possible

He said he will conduct a KYC [Know Your Cock test] before determining that the next buyer is clean and not a liar. He said, "If he says he's got my money I'm going to see if he's really got money."

Rumours that John Terry was caught sneaking around the club's guest room hopefully, wearing nothing but a captain's armband, were unfounded at press time.

ESBN: Astro ada 3D, kita ada 1Malaysia 1World Cheer

KUALA LUMPUR: Hasbullah Awang fans all over Malaysia rejoiced today, for they will now have the chance to listen to the sweet sounds of their idol's commentary during the 2010 World Cup later this year.

Internet celebrity Yo Rais announced today that RTM (Rancangan Tergendala Malaysia) will have EXCLUSIVE rights to the World Cup! (only for 35 games though. You'll have to go to the mamak stall for the remaining 29 matches, or just turn on your Astro).

Yo Rais even announced a special slogan for the exclusive privilege - 1Malaysia, 1World Cheer.

"Astro ade 3D, kite ada 1Malaysia, 1World Cheer. Orang yang ancient macam saya pun tau bahawa nombor satu adalah lebih baik dari nombor tiga kan?" he was later rumoured to have told his drebar.

Rumours that Hasbullah Awang is planning to consult Shebby Singh on how to pronounce names like Sotirios Kyrgiakos (Ki-ri-gi-a-kos?) and Samir Handanovič (apasal name dia ade tanda BETUL punya?) were unfounded at press time.

ESBN: Balls Balls Balls.

LIVERPOOL BEACH CLUB: The fallout of the infamous Beach Ball Goal continues, as the dumbass referee who thought the ball was Jamie Carragher was demoted to the Championship and universally ridiculed for making an error even a kampung referee wouldn't make.

In other made-up reports, with his star striker out of action for a couple more games, Rafa Benitez has become so desperate that he is looking to sign the beach ball that scored the winning goal against Liverpool at Sunderland last week. According to him, "Ball, Babel, what's the difference. Neither one does jackshitballs anyway."

However, Rafa faces stiff competition from Men.United manager Alex Fergit was looking to sign the beach ball for 20 million pounds to replace his striker with no balls, Dmitidak Berbola. Unfortunately, being the short-sighted git that he is, Fergit could not tell which ball it was that scored the goal, so he sent his legions of Men.United to go buy every single ball in the Liverpool shop instead.

In other unfounded reports, former Everton player Michael Ball was heard speaking proudly to reporters about his distant cousin, Beach, who scored the winning goal against Liverpool. "Us Balls have always been good at these things," he said, ignoring repeated questions about the time HE missed the ball when it bounced off a balloon, and allowed someone to score a goal against him.

ESBN Weekend Roundup: Men.United's New Strategy

(picture taken from Football365)

ESBN is proud to present a weekend roundup of results that we already know about anyway.

Bolton fans found out the hard way that the more you boo Stevie G, the more likely he is to score against you. The match was noted for a post-Edivedo knee jerk reaction where after dispossessing Torres with a brilliant tackle which floored Torres in the penalty box, Za-zat Knight perasan and went over to heckle Torres for diving, even though Torres himself didn't even bother asking for a penalty. Perasan betul, Zat ini.

Over in Menchesthair United, just when we thought he had failed to come up with a proper replacement for Christina Doi Doi, Al Fergit has come up with another fail-proof strategy to win matches - Get the other team to give you goals instead.

Men.United couldn't score a single proper goal the entire match, as the Gooners went on rampage in Old Traffart, scoring one brilliant goal through Andey Assshavin, giving away one brilliant penalty, and then losing the game with one brilliantly headed own goal.

Will.I.Am "I WAS CAPTAIN" Glass even managed to take his No. 10 shirt number seriously enough to stray offside at the last minute to deny his own player an equalising goal. And after that, Arse Wanker was sent off for stealing the show by kicking a bottle straighter than Darren "Hey you, in Row Q!" Fletcher could kick a ball.

ESBN: Liverpool's Faith In Owen Pays Off

SOMEWHERE IN INGERLAND: Liverpool's greatest and arguably most dastardly transfer this year, Michael Owen, paid dividends last night when he helped Burnley to a 1-0 win over Men.United.

In the game last night, Owen did his part for Liverpool's cause by being completely invisible to everyone. He never put a foot wrong throughout the game (in fact, he hardly put a foot anywhere near the ball at all), and even managed to 'accidentally' drift offside AND miss a clear header during the game.

And to top it all off, Owen even managed to dupe Carrick into believing that Fergit had been referring to HIM when he said, "Michael, you're taking the penalties this game".

The biggest disappointment was that Owen never got the chance to finish the game, as he was taken off at the 63rd minute by a perplexed Fergit who thought he'd signed the next Henrik Larsson.

In other news, Stoke City didn't manage to throw the ball into the net at Anfield, though Liverpool did manage to knock it into the goal four times, as opposed to none in the last season.

ESBN NEWS FLASH! Men.United Acquires New Malaysian Player!

SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER, OR POSSIBLY KUCHING: Not long after the club generously let Liverpool steal four of their hubcaps on Saturday, All-American Footsy Club Menchesthair United pulled off one of the greatest transfer coups of all time, snapping up a Malaysian better known for other sorts of balls rather than actually kicking a ball.

In yet another stroke of genius, the club has also apparently decided to use the player in a simultaneous goalkeeper/outfield player position, seeing as current keeper Edwin Van The Suck was more fascinated in watching the ball go in the net on Saturday than he was in saving it.

This technical outfield advancement follows their previous success in incorporating volleyball into the game, and underlines Menchesthair.United's desire to bring the game forward. Reports that Sepp Bladder was considering incorporating this new move into FIFA's rules were unfounded at press time.

Now behold, Men.United's new Malaysian player!



In addition to the bonus of having a fehmes blogger in their team, Menchesthair.United can also celebrate the induction of yet another bandwagonist fan into their midst, this time pinching one of Chelsea's:



And in other news, and also in the spirit of flogging a dead horse or merely pretending to be a broken record, there have been rumors that Real Madrid are preparing a lawsuit against Men.United for allegedly refusing to return their players after Saturday's game.

However, this accusation has apparently been shot down. According to Men.United fan extraordinaire Vincent, the accusation that their team had pinched Madrid's players for the game was absurd.

In his own words, "Don't be silly. Real Madrid didn't score."

ESBN: Sco Long, And Thanks For All the Points!

SOME BRIDGE IN LONDON IS FALLING DOWN: Russian footy club Chelski have given up on their dream to win the FIFA World Cup after they sacked World-Cup-Winning manager Luis Phillipa Sorrylar after seven months at Stamford Bridge.

In a statement by the club, some skank named Chelsea said "The board would like to place on record our gratitude for his time as manager."

Eyeris would also like to place on record his gratitude for the generosity Scolari showed Liverpool in gifting them a win at the expense of Chelski's LOOOOOOONG unbeaten home record, a feat that counts as one of the Brazilian's greatest achievements at the club. Other achievements include selling his best left back and the player whom the club's stadium is named after to Manchester Next-Chelsea, and buying a lazy midfielder solely for Decorative purposes.

Rumours that Harry Redknapp was eyeing the vacancy at Stamford Bridge because "If I would leave Spurs for any other club, it would be Chelski", were unfounded at press time.

ESBN: Poor Ferrari.

TEROWONG TAK-SMART MANCHESTER: Men.United speedster Christina Doi Doi became part of another sort of statistic recently when he thumped a free k... er.. Ferrari into the wall of a tunnel near the Manchester airport.

The player was reportedly unhurt, but uncredible witnesses claim that the first thing that they saw him do right after the crash was to check the mirror to see if he was still beautiful. The mirror lied, as usual.

Reports that immedietely after the accident happened, three tow trucks, several Mat Rempits, and a mob of 4D-hunting kepoh Malaysian drivers appeared on the scene were unfounded. Malaysian police's highest authority were later seen discussing whether to request for a higher PR budget so they can include Doi Doi's face on their PR campaign for this Chinese New Year's Ops Sikap.

Mere hours after the accident, messages of sympathy came pouring in for the Doi Doi on Football365's Mailbox:

"Here's another chance for Ronaldo...ooh it's gone straight into the wall."

"...Just wondering when the cops showed up at the scene of the crash, was Ronaldo rolling around on the ground clutching his leg? "

Rumours that Lewis Hamilton was later seen driving sniggering past Ronaldo as the Doi Doi was walking home from training that day were unfounded.

ESBN: Ultraman Kembali Lagi!

MANCHESTER: In a game that no one else is interested in besides people in Manchester and kids drinking green fanta, the Manchester derby was won by the Men.United team, despite having Doi Doi Ronaldo sent off for trying to Ultraman the ball into the goal.

Reports that Man City keeper Joe Hart-to-beat-from-the-halfway-line later tried to destroy downtown Tokyo in a rubber monster suit was unfounded at press time.

In other news, Invinsible Ruski footy team Chelski lost their er... TWO-game unbeaten EPL streak to the Arsenal No-One-Between 23-30 team on Sunday, as Robbing Van Persie robbed Chelski of all the points with a wonderful offside goal.

Over in the other part of London, Lotsofham Hotsoup went down to an Everton team who are so poor that Piennar had to share jerseys with Leon Osman. And another london club, Fulofham continued their quest to become the first team to survive relegation without scoring or letting in a single goal throughout the season.

ESBN: Torres' Old Club Versus Torres' New Club

MADRID NOT REAL: It was Nando Peri Peri Torres' night last night as Torres' former club held Torres' current club to a draw, with Torres' himself watching the match on Torres' TV in England last night.

Torres did not play in the match that saw Torres not score the goal that was instead scored by Torres' usual strike partner Robbie "Not Fowler and Not Roy either" Keane, via an assist that was not given by Torres but by Gerrard instead.

Torres was also not playing when Simbamao scored for Torres' old club, which saw Torres' old club share the points with Torres' new club; though Torres might be playing next week for Torres' new club at Torres' new club's stadium against Torres' old club; and that is when Torres will score for Torres' new club against Torres' old club and send Torres' new club through to the knock-out stages of the tournament.

The game also saw Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung play against Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's old club for the first time since Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung joined Luis 'Ghost Goal' Garcia and Flower Sinama-Punggung's new club.

ESBN: I Hereby Dub Thee Headless Scissors Kuyt.

ALL OVER INGERLUND: A Headless Chicken With No Goals suddenly became a scissors-kick goal-scoring machine on Saturday, when Dirk KautKuitKiutwhatever scored two more goals at Anfield, as Liverpool gave more of their fans heart attacks by coming back from 2-1 down to win 3-2 against Wigan.

Wigan had taken the lead thanks to Daniel Agger doing a Titus Bramble, and then later on again through Amr Rizal Zaki's second of the match, but then Valencia got sent off for not liking part of a wall, and not liking Xabi Alonso much either. Then Riera and Dirk Kuyt's scissors kick happened. BUAHAHAHA.

The next day, Tokkokham Hotsoup took another step towards consolidating their place in next year's Championship title race by losing to one of last year's Championship front-runners Stove City. Their manager, Juanseason Ramos is now worried that he is gonna be sacked Juande. Probably soon.

Also in Championship related-news, mighty Hull City beat Zolalalala's Wet Ham team to keep the pressure on the top two. And in other news, here at ESBN, no one cares what Men.United and Chelski are doing, so sod off.

ESBN: The Incredible Hulk Smashes HotSoup

WHITE HAHAHA LANE: Mild Mannered Hull City morphed into the Incredible Hulk City to smash (and grab) a 1-0 at Totteringham Hotsoup, depriving Spurs fans their one and only derisive chant against their hated rivals Arsenal ("NEH NEH, WE'RE BOTTOM BUT YOU LOST TO HULL CITY NEH NEH").

Meanwhile, Middle Eastern footy club Rich Man City underlined their ambitions to break into the top four by beating Liverpool 2-0 in the first 45 minutes of the game.

Fortunately for Liverpool, they managed to get something out of the game after Nando Flaming Hot Peri-Peri scored two goals, and then Dirk Headless One-Goal-Out-Of-Five-Chances Kuyt finally scored one of his five chances, to send one particularly super-bias Hantu Bola delirious with joy.

Rumours that colour-confused Brazilian RobinWho was seen asking his agent why the option of the colour red had never been raised, were unfounded at press time.

In other news, apparently no one cares about Chelski or Men.United games here on ESBN, so nothing will be said about their games over the weekend. But let us all have a quick chuckle at how Sunderland did over the weekend, shall we? *yuk yuk*

ESBN: One Hull Of An Arse Kicking

EMIRATES BUT NOT DUBAI: Mighty Hull City were given a scare on Saturday when they went a goal-down to the Arsenal MSSM team at the Emirates Airport.

However, against an Arsenal team that had beaten Hull City's main rivals for next year's Championship title Sheffield Not-Very-United 6-0 with their primary school MSSM team, Hull managed to claw back to win 2-1 thanks to a superb goal by Brazilian Geology, and then a header that was superbly not defended by Arse captain William Gall-less.

In another game, Red Liverpool beat Blue Liverpool on a turf of Green while a man in Black waved some Yellow cards around. No other colours of the rainbow or Care Bears were reachable for comment, although a dubious-looking be-spectacled bear with a goatee was seen shouting at Robbie Keane to bloody get a goal already.

In other news, American volleyball team Men.United managed to crash through a bus on the way to winning at Bolton; while Russian-bottlers Chelski beat Stoke City after their captain bribed some Stoke fans with a tracksuit and maybe some of his Moscow-bottled vodka.

Middle Eastern former Thai food connoisseurs Man No Women Allowed City lost to Titus Bramble's Wigan, who clinched the diving gold medal with a penalty won by a brilliant somersault/flip/crash by Palacios, who might have hit a pigeon when he hurled himself through the air after being 'tackled' by Garrido.

Oh, and there was much laughter to be had as Newcastle and Tottenham continued to battle it out in their quest to become the funniest comedy acts in EPL since Massimo Taibi.

ESBN: Ingerlish FA Allows Rugby In EPL Matches

NOWHERE NEAR THE ALL-BLACKS OR SPRINGBOKS: The Ingerlund Footy association have decide to lend their rugby colleagues a hand in their bid to regain the Rugby World Cup they last won in 2003 and lost to South Africa in 2007; by allowing them to train potential players in the EPL.

This landmark move was field tested successfully last weekend, when Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry rugby tackled Manchester City's YO! JO! to the ground in a successful attempt to stop YO! JO! from scoring a try.

An attempt by the referee to throw a red card into the works was dismissed yesterday, as the red card was torn up, thus allowing Johnny "Wilkinson" Terry the chance to continue his rugby training this weekend, when the OTHER team from Manchester comes a-calling.

Rumours that Nehnehmanja Vidic tried appealing to get rid of HIS red card and to get kickboxing allowed in EPL matches, was unfounded at press time. A tall goalkeeper and a ginger head midfielder were also seen loitering outside the FA's office holding volleyballs.

ESBN: Liverpool win Thanks to Van The Suck and A Turf Of Grass

ALL OVER THE WORLD: Almost every single English Pub League supporter in the world was cheering as the U in ABU failed to conjure up their usual lucky last-minute sucker punch at Anfield on Saturday night.

Instead, Liverpool took all three points thanks to a wonderful shot by a turf of grass on the field, who shot it pass the keeper and two defenders after collecting a pass from Ryan Babelfish, who in turn collected a pass from Dirk Not-So-Headless-But-Still-Goalless Kuyt, who collected a pass from Mashimaro, who stole it from an Old Man Giggs who was more fascinated with watching the ball roll out than actually kicking it.

Earlier, it seemed as though the sucker punch had come early for Men.United, as a pudgy Colour TV scored (and then amusingly proceeded to make out with the inside of his arm) from a Bahbahtof assist, before eyeris even had a chance to order his beer.

However, Team MUSA's latest volleyball star, Edwin Van The Suck, turned out to be the savior of Team Gillette sHick (triple-balded for closer shave). Instead of going for a dig to save a Xabi Alonso miscued spike, he decided to go and punch his comedy sparring partner Where's Brown in the knees instead; which resulted in a hilarious comedy routine with and an own goal that Titus Bramble would have been proud of. It gave Liverpool only their second goal against MUSA in eight games (both ironically scored by Men.United players).

Soon after the winning goal NehNehManja Vidic gave the game it's customary red card after he executed a kungfu elbow on Xabi Alonso. Funnily enough, the referee didn't seem too keen to send him off, preferring to show him only a second yellow card, before eventually reluctantly pulling out the red one.

In other news, the Mighty Hull City continued their charge towards next year's Championship title by beating next year's Championship rivals Newcastle Comedy Club. And the Arsenal MSSM team got 4 goals against the Incey Old Liverpool Players' Retirement Home.

Meanwhile, some Brazilian player who probably regrets signing for the club with a lighter shade of blue, scored a splendid goal that was soon eclipsed by three more goals by the other team in blue, which he now probably wishes he'd signed for instead.

At the same game, John Terryble decided that it would be too easy playing a Vidic-less MUSA next weekend, so he decided to even the odds for their rivals by indulging in a little rugby, and getting himself sent off as well.

ESBN: Shopping Frenzy on last Day of Mega Sale

NOWHERE NEAR MANCHESTER: It was shopping madness on the last day of the Malaysian Mega Sale, as teams in the Barclays/AirAsia/Sony/McDonalds/Celcom/Nokia EPL rushed to the hypermarkets to buy new players for rival fans to jeer at.

Dimdim Byebyetov said bye bye to Spurs and went over to American volleyball team Men.United, who have also let their latest can of soup go the other way on loan. Liverpool got themselves another Spanish dude as well as a tub of margarine named Vitor Flora (Editor: credit to Tigerjoe for the margarine line); and at the same time offloading a tub of lard named Voronin, as well as Finnan, who suddenly had to start learning how to speak Spanish.

In other news, a lost Brazilian football player was found wandering the streets of London asking for directions to a 'club with blue shirts, no not Chelsea'. Unconfirmed eyewitness reports said that said player arrived in Heathrow Airport on Sunday, and had been asking for directions to 'Manchester United City', and cussing aloud in Spanish after being told that it was nowhere near London.

Gooners Add Vintage Piece to Antique Defenders Collection

NOWHERE NEAR DUBAI: Gooner manager Arse Wanker added yet another valuable antique to his burgeoning collection of vintage antique defenders last night when Mikael "I'm French" Silvestre joined them for a handsome price of 750000 Monopoly dollars from Team MUSA.

Contrary to reports that he only collects mint, virgin under-20-year-old players, Wenger has also shown a keen eye for vintage classic over-30 pieces as well, as Silvestre joins former Chelski player William "Captain Crybaby" Gallas, at the Emirates Airport. Rumour is, they have already booked adjoining beds at the Gooner's treatment room, and are looking forward to some quality Frenching time together there in the near future.

Rumours that Wenger has his eyes set next on highly-valued (by Rafa, that is) Liverpool antique Grampa Hyypia were unfounded at press time, despite much hoping from Liverpool supporters.

In other news, the national English pub side drew 2-2 with a team ranked eighth in the world, the Czech Republic; a remarkable achievement for the pub side, considering they had Emile Heskey in the squad.

Team MUSA Stay On Course For Dodgeball Gold Medal

(picture taken from BBC)

NOT BEIJING: Team MUSA's quest for the Olympic dodgeball gold medal continued last night, as they sent out their best under-23 team against the carToon Army who underlined their aspirations to win the EPL by recruiting cartoon superheroes instead of players.

Meanwhile, the French under-23 team also won, title favorites Hull City outclassed Fullofham, dan Torres Datang Lagi Dengan Permainan Goal Yang HEBAT!

The game at Old Trafficlight last night was a fabulous display of world-class dodgeball, the best the Olympics have seen. The highlight came when Paul Scholes, one of several over-30 players in the AManYoocan team, fired an amazing shot straight at Mysterious-virus-carrier Rooney's ass; while Fraizer Campbell headed another amazingly accurate shot at carToon keeper Shay Not-Given-Away's forehead.

Defender Steven Taylor's College also had a good day, taking out several MUSA players with some brilliant kicks to the shins.

In the end, it was the carToon who lost out, as their forward Obefunnyname Martins completely missed a shot at striking out MUSA's keeper by heading wide and into the keeper's goal instead. Fortunately for them, two minutes later, MUSA's Darren Flatchair returned the favour, kicking the ball AWAY from Given instead of at him.

Dumbasses. Don't they know how to play dodgeball properly?

Forget Carlsberg. Drink Belgian Beer.

HOEGAARDEN LAND: Liverpool's season is now over, according to esteemed football pundits, as they demonstrated how NOT to lose a game even when there is a penalty awarded against you.

In a land where most of the local beers are much better than Carlsberg, captain Steven Gerrard managed to inspire the team to play like the bench he was sitting on, and was so inspiring that most of the players on the pitch played like a kaki bangku in a kampung football paddy field.

In fact, the game was so exciting overall that I can't even find anymore words to describe it. So I shan't.

In other news, Steve Mclaren made an impressive debut as manager of Twente, continuing his fine England managerial form by losing only 2-0 to Arsenal even without using his umbrella.

Team USA Win The Gold Medal Formerly Known as the Charity Shield

A PLACE NOWHERE NEAR BEIJING: Plucky Team USA held on valiantly against a superiorly older Pottymouth team to win the Gold Medal for the Cup Formerly Known As The Charity Shield last night.

They won through penalties after withstanding an onslaught of attacks by the country's most prominent striker (prominent in the sense that he will stick out in a crowd anytime) - Peter Crouch and his little pet Defoe.

The match itself was so spectacular that I could not handle the pressure. so to keep from fallign asleep, I had to keep flipping channels to the Olympics Basketball competition where the NBA All-Star Team were giving Yao Ming and his ragtag Chinese team a lesson on "How to win a game using only slam dunks".

One of the highlights of the game was striker Darren Fletcher attempting to score a spectacular goal by sliding in towards goal and connecting with the ball using his spine; and an attempt by a Pottymouth player to take Carlos Tevez's boots off as a souvenir before the game was over.

When it came down to penalties, the Men.United players were so nervous that they could only net three penalties as compared to the five against Chelski last season; but it was still enough for them to win the series 3-1 as Glen Johnson proved that even former Chelsea defenders are not immune to the John Terry Syndrome.

In other news... fuck Barry. Keep Alonso already.