How to earn mass adulation and stilll come out smelling like manure

Shag a granny a night

Eat three pies with each meal.

Get a red card a month

Read a page of Gazza's autobiography a night and write a book in the summer.

Play tic tac toe over a ball

Rape a girl to dispell gay iconic status

Throw sissy fits

Cry, cry and cry some more

Bitch fight with each other

Get thoroughly pussywhipped by a has-been trollop

Wear sarung and pink nail polish

Shag skanks

Do a rugby kick during a penalty

Generally behave like a wanker

Forever be remembered as King of Karate

Fight with Ince

Fight with Beckham

Fight with Keane

Fight with Horsey

Fight with horse trainer

Fight with Wenger

Fight with Arsenal players

Fight with journalists

Fight with everybody basically except Gary Neville who polishes his shoes.

You are all stoooooooooooooopid.

Classy lot innit? No wonder it smells a bit off here.