Guest post: A Letter to Michael Owen

FOREWORD BY EYERIS: We'd had a few 'applications' to join Hantu Bola since it was started up, and though we've also added a number of other members already, unfortunately (and I swear I had nothing to do with this) many of the applicants were Liverpool fans.

Tigerjoe and Vincent don't like that.

End of story.

HOWEVER, some of the applicant's HAVE shown pretty good stuff in their er... initiation test posts, including this one by female Liverpool fan Rebecca, who wrote a letter to Michael Owen, and which I thought this was too good NOT to post.

Therefore, although we had to reject her application on because of the sour duo's concern about Scousers flooding Hantu Bola (as well as their jealousy about how most of the REAL female footy fans seem to be Liverpool fans), I decided to reproduce Rebecca's letter here for all to see.

(BTW, she also posts a lot on football on her blog Running Around in Circles, so go check it out. :P )

Now, without further ado, here is her (rather long) letter to the shortstuff:

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Dear Michael Owen,

I am a Liverpool fan. And no player is bigger than the club except Steven Gerrard because he has a divine right to be bestowed that honour, and I’m glad that you’re gone because for far too long (6 years, half a season and 5 days to be exact), you have been overshadowing our prophetic saviour Gerrard and have not allowed him to flaunt his own phenomenal skills. Also, we wasted 6 years tossing long balls at a midget who could not even run. It makes me laugh seeing teenagers worshipping you and literally drooling at your feet (could be a primary reason as to why you can’t run anymore), I wonder whose help did you acquire in hypnotizing the crème de la crèmes of football, most prominently, the great Gerard Houllier to play you automatically every week even when you were half-crippled?

I’m sorry that we grew over-reliant on your goals, coz you produced such a diminutive and disappointing amount of them, that I am ashamed to admit you’re our first-choice striker. Suffice to say, you were only installed as the first-choice striker because your presence impeded the progress of many others who are more promising than you ever were. I’m totally gutted that it wasn’t Bruno Cheyrou, as he proved to be a shining star in the darkness. However, I shall not waste any more time moaning over that, because we now have the service of Djibril Cisse, who will almost certainly bang in 50 goals per season, at least. (At that time, fans were going on and on about just how great this Cisse guy from Auxerre is, how he was gonna replace Owen as our top scorer, how he can run faster than Henry...and I remember thinking, "If this guy doesn't score 50 goals next season, they'll be chopping up his body into pieces and throwing them into Goodison Park.")

Let’s be honest- you had neither an inch of Robbie (the REAL ‘God’) Fowler’s ability, nor are you capable of outrunning Cisse even if he gave you a 10-minute headstart.No doubt, you managed to win us the FA Cup final single-handedly, the Worthington Cup final (I’m sure the wind needed no persuading in its effort to help you in that task) and rescued us from the jaws of defeat in numerous matches because your persistent promotional deals insured that the rest of the players could look as vibrant as dry wood to allow you to take centre-stage, and still get 1% of your total earnings.

However, I can’t blame all your 158 goals on the intervention of the weather. I must admit that you did show glimpses of what they call ‘world class quality’ as you finished those shots. But that’s where it all ended. Or quite frankly, I should conclude that all the teams you have scored against have been absolute rubbish, and it was always your presence that has been a stumbling block in our pursuit to prove ourselves and win everything in the world. Just look at the stats.

You are confused as to why the Kopites have always only ‘grudgingly admired’ you, you don’t understand why they don’t sing you name. Let me tell you this- you were too shy, too quiet, too clean, too expressionless. Having you on the pitch was like fielding a mouse amongst 21 elephants. Here’s a tip for you: Only by shedding off your image and having a bad public life off the pitch, yelling at and kicking the referees and your opponents as well as making menacing two-footed plunges, will you be able to garner the adulation of the Kop. But too bad for you, your time is up.

I’m grateful that you had lined up quite a few impressive personal accolades, because that was the only reason why Real decided to buy you. And good riddance to you, do you really think you’re qualified to be a ‘galactico’? I think the fact that your 'galactico' stint only lasted for one season (wherein you spent three-quarters of your time warming the bench and reading articles telling you how Wayne Rooney has replaced you as the no 1 England striker) is reason enough to tell you what a terrible and boring player you are. And isn't it ironic that right after YOU left to play for THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD, we won something that I'm sure you would never ever win - the European Cup? Even Djimi Traore (aka Bambi legs) and Igor Biscuit (aka the sleepy biscanator) have European Cup medals! Especially now that you're at Newcastle - the club where every player unrealistically kids themselves with the belief that they'll end up in the Top Four, or even qualify for Europe, for that matter, when strangely enough, they can't even seem to score an open goal when you're not on the field. What exactly have you been feeding them?

I'm sure that you would've read about how the 25000 people who turned up on the day you were unveiled as a Newcastle United player, looking like you and your daughter Gemma were just sent to jail (and maybe leaving Liverpool WAS a criminal offence after all), have now turned their backs on you, saying that you 'select' the games you want to play in and only ever seem to be fit for England. Well, I suppose they're just as delusional as their players. After all, you yourself were never planning to stay there for long. But whatever it is that you told the fans, it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Just like whatever you told us. Too bad it took US 7 years to see through your carefully embellished lies.

So, we will be meeting again on Boxing Day. Don't you think the name of the occasion is quite apt as Newcastle United will be getting boxed by your 'beloved' Liverpool? I wonder if you'll be fit for that game? If you are, then maybe for the first time in your life, YNWA will send a chill down your spine (and we'll make sure we sing it loud enough to HAUNT you), but not for the reasons it does so only to those who are faithful to us. Oh and if you have any more problems with your groin, Carragher will give you a good kick to take care of it for you. Then you'll never get to score another goal again because you don't deserve it. Thanks for the tattered memories, you can shut up now.

P/S: If you plan to send another ‘fax’ to the team before our next game, please do not hesitate to ask Cisse for some goalscoring tips as it would help in your goal-scoring exploits. And maybe, he’ll make you realize what a useless hypocrite you are, and how much we hate you coz you’re nothing but a stupid bluenose.

P/P/S: On second thought, don’t send a fax to them, it might be detrimental to the health of those whose hearts you have won and cheated for 13 brutal years- namely Carragher and Gerrard. Please leave them alone, or you’ll be getting a threat in your postbox soon.

Yours sincerely,
A-fan-who-is-ashamed-that-Michael-Owen-used-to-play-for-Liverpool