December 06, 2005

Guest post: A Letter to Michael Owen

FOREWORD BY EYERIS: We'd had a few 'applications' to join Hantu Bola since it was started up, and though we've also added a number of other members already, unfortunately (and I swear I had nothing to do with this) many of the applicants were Liverpool fans.

Tigerjoe and Vincent don't like that.

End of story.

HOWEVER, some of the applicant's HAVE shown pretty good stuff in their er... initiation test posts, including this one by female Liverpool fan Rebecca, who wrote a letter to Michael Owen, and which I thought this was too good NOT to post.

Therefore, although we had to reject her application on because of the sour duo's concern about Scousers flooding Hantu Bola (as well as their jealousy about how most of the REAL female footy fans seem to be Liverpool fans), I decided to reproduce Rebecca's letter here for all to see.

(BTW, she also posts a lot on football on her blog Running Around in Circles, so go check it out. :P )

Now, without further ado, here is her (rather long) letter to the shortstuff:

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Michael Owen,

I am a Liverpool fan. And no player is bigger than the club except Steven Gerrard because he has a divine right to be bestowed that honour, and I’m glad that you’re gone because for far too long (6 years, half a season and 5 days to be exact), you have been overshadowing our prophetic saviour Gerrard and have not allowed him to flaunt his own phenomenal skills. Also, we wasted 6 years tossing long balls at a midget who could not even run. It makes me laugh seeing teenagers worshipping you and literally drooling at your feet (could be a primary reason as to why you can’t run anymore), I wonder whose help did you acquire in hypnotizing the crème de la crèmes of football, most prominently, the great Gerard Houllier to play you automatically every week even when you were half-crippled?

I’m sorry that we grew over-reliant on your goals, coz you produced such a diminutive and disappointing amount of them, that I am ashamed to admit you’re our first-choice striker. Suffice to say, you were only installed as the first-choice striker because your presence impeded the progress of many others who are more promising than you ever were. I’m totally gutted that it wasn’t Bruno Cheyrou, as he proved to be a shining star in the darkness. However, I shall not waste any more time moaning over that, because we now have the service of Djibril Cisse, who will almost certainly bang in 50 goals per season, at least. (At that time, fans were going on and on about just how great this Cisse guy from Auxerre is, how he was gonna replace Owen as our top scorer, how he can run faster than Henry...and I remember thinking, "If this guy doesn't score 50 goals next season, they'll be chopping up his body into pieces and throwing them into Goodison Park.")

Let’s be honest- you had neither an inch of Robbie (the REAL ‘God’) Fowler’s ability, nor are you capable of outrunning Cisse even if he gave you a 10-minute headstart.No doubt, you managed to win us the FA Cup final single-handedly, the Worthington Cup final (I’m sure the wind needed no persuading in its effort to help you in that task) and rescued us from the jaws of defeat in numerous matches because your persistent promotional deals insured that the rest of the players could look as vibrant as dry wood to allow you to take centre-stage, and still get 1% of your total earnings.

However, I can’t blame all your 158 goals on the intervention of the weather. I must admit that you did show glimpses of what they call ‘world class quality’ as you finished those shots. But that’s where it all ended. Or quite frankly, I should conclude that all the teams you have scored against have been absolute rubbish, and it was always your presence that has been a stumbling block in our pursuit to prove ourselves and win everything in the world. Just look at the stats.

You are confused as to why the Kopites have always only ‘grudgingly admired’ you, you don’t understand why they don’t sing you name. Let me tell you this- you were too shy, too quiet, too clean, too expressionless. Having you on the pitch was like fielding a mouse amongst 21 elephants. Here’s a tip for you: Only by shedding off your image and having a bad public life off the pitch, yelling at and kicking the referees and your opponents as well as making menacing two-footed plunges, will you be able to garner the adulation of the Kop. But too bad for you, your time is up.

I’m grateful that you had lined up quite a few impressive personal accolades, because that was the only reason why Real decided to buy you. And good riddance to you, do you really think you’re qualified to be a ‘galactico’? I think the fact that your 'galactico' stint only lasted for one season (wherein you spent three-quarters of your time warming the bench and reading articles telling you how Wayne Rooney has replaced you as the no 1 England striker) is reason enough to tell you what a terrible and boring player you are. And isn't it ironic that right after YOU left to play for THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD, we won something that I'm sure you would never ever win - the European Cup? Even Djimi Traore (aka Bambi legs) and Igor Biscuit (aka the sleepy biscanator) have European Cup medals! Especially now that you're at Newcastle - the club where every player unrealistically kids themselves with the belief that they'll end up in the Top Four, or even qualify for Europe, for that matter, when strangely enough, they can't even seem to score an open goal when you're not on the field. What exactly have you been feeding them?

I'm sure that you would've read about how the 25000 people who turned up on the day you were unveiled as a Newcastle United player, looking like you and your daughter Gemma were just sent to jail (and maybe leaving Liverpool WAS a criminal offence after all), have now turned their backs on you, saying that you 'select' the games you want to play in and only ever seem to be fit for England. Well, I suppose they're just as delusional as their players. After all, you yourself were never planning to stay there for long. But whatever it is that you told the fans, it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Just like whatever you told us. Too bad it took US 7 years to see through your carefully embellished lies.

So, we will be meeting again on Boxing Day. Don't you think the name of the occasion is quite apt as Newcastle United will be getting boxed by your 'beloved' Liverpool? I wonder if you'll be fit for that game? If you are, then maybe for the first time in your life, YNWA will send a chill down your spine (and we'll make sure we sing it loud enough to HAUNT you), but not for the reasons it does so only to those who are faithful to us. Oh and if you have any more problems with your groin, Carragher will give you a good kick to take care of it for you. Then you'll never get to score another goal again because you don't deserve it. Thanks for the tattered memories, you can shut up now.

P/S: If you plan to send another ‘fax’ to the team before our next game, please do not hesitate to ask Cisse for some goalscoring tips as it would help in your goal-scoring exploits. And maybe, he’ll make you realize what a useless hypocrite you are, and how much we hate you coz you’re nothing but a stupid bluenose.

P/P/S: On second thought, don’t send a fax to them, it might be detrimental to the health of those whose hearts you have won and cheated for 13 brutal years- namely Carragher and Gerrard. Please leave them alone, or you’ll be getting a threat in your postbox soon.

Yours sincerely,
A-fan-who-is-ashamed-that-Michael-Owen-used-to-play-for-Liverpool

346 comments:

1 – 200 of 346   Newer›   Newest»
Ghoul said...

*sobs*

Now I really have to tear up that England/Owen jersey my friend gave me now ...

o.O

bex said...

WHY????

tigerjoe said...

Just a quick note for younger fans of Michael Owen.

The boy wonder was brilliant when he made his debut, and during WC '98. He had the kind of speed and finishing touch that was rarely seen back then. Then the injury happened, and he was never quite the same after that.

The question that was asked way back then continues to haunt him to this very day:

If you take away the pace and a marker bullies him physically, how does Michael Owen contribute to a match?

S-Kay said...

Why tear up? Tearing up an Owen jersey because he's not that good anymore is like Man U fans tearing up their jerseys or dumping it one side and then start wearing Chelsea jerseys.

lynniebabi said...

protest!

who on the soccer planet says that true female soccer are lfc supporters? huh? then where do u put us, the supporters of manyoo, aresnal, chelsea, whatever whatever club??

*sulk*

bex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bex said...

s-kay, I don't agree that Owen is now 'not that good anymore', I actually think that his all-round game has improved a lot and while he may not be as fast as he used to be, I think he has become a 'smarter' player in terms of getting into the right positions, etc.

Tigerjoe- How does Michael Owen contribute to a match? Er, since you put it that way, he can easily win penalties and free kicks. And the good thing about having a 'lazy' striker like Michael Owen is that even if he's "sleeping for 80 minutes" or whatever Sven said, he can still pop up and win a match (i.e. Liverpool vs Chelsea on the 6th October 2002? Owen scored a goal in the last minute in a match which admittedly, Chelsea had dominated, to win the game for Liverpool). And also, I really really miss him whenever Liverpool are counter-attacking coz previously, since Owen was SO lazy, he used to stay behind and wait for the ball to be passed over to him while the rest of the team goes to defend, then run with the ball and try to make the most of it. Liverpool waste so many chances these days coz even those who CANNOT defend insist on going back to defend for whatever reason!!!

lynnie- He did say MOST female footy fans and not ALL...though there are, as my best friend puts it, "NO CUTE GUYS IN LIVERPOOL AT ALL!! BORING LAR!" So, unless you're somehow in love with the ever-frowning Steven Gerrard, you probably don't fit into the whole 'females watch footy for the guys' stereotype...

naz said...

Mmm... Did I miss something here? Did Mickey Owen actually demanded a transfer? Did he throw an Anelka-esque tantrum and skipped training and criticised the club?

FACT: FOOTBALL PLAYERS LEAVE.

Kevin Keegan left for Hamburg. Ian Rush left for Juve and returned one year later didn't he? If Liverpool had the funds, don't you think Mickey would have rejoined the Reds, just like Rush did?

It was your manager's decision to let him go for a cut price £8 million and no savvy businessperson in the world would want to pay double in just over a year, would he? It's just too embarassing!

"Bruno Cheyrou, as he proved to be a shining star in the darkness". Er, last time I checked, Cheyrou was a midfielder. And Danny Murphy was ahead of him. How then does Owen "impeded the progress of many others who are more promising than he ever was"?

"Djibril Cisse, who will almost certainly bang in 50 goals per season, at least". Er... You're not serious rite?

Okla, far enough, Owen is a liiiitle bit over-rated. But he does not deserve such spiteful hatred, just because of his ambitions. He did leave the club amicably, and trust me, the Kopites will NOT boo him on his return. Okla maybe a section will.

P/S: I'm not a Liverpool fan, nor a Michael Owen fan.

Athenos said...

gotta agree with rimaujoe regarding Owen's performances in WC '98. Damn syiok to watch.

S-Kay said...

Bex : I was just echoing some of the comments around which implied that he is not as good as he was before.

bex said...

Heh Naz, calm down. It was just a parody okay? But eyeris took that part out coz it made it too long.

I'm a HUGE fan of Michael Owen okay? So terrible that my friend begged me to go support Real Madrid after he left coz I couldn't get over it and everyone asked me whether I was gonna be supporting Newcastle after he went to Newcastle as well.

Nothing in there was meant to be taken seriously lar, a lot of details in it were exaggerated on purpose, especially the Cisse one coz I was annoyed that people kept going on and on about how great Cisse was BEFORE he even signed for us, forgetting what Michael Owen had done for Liverpool for the past few years.

Basically, I wrote that by meshing lots of stuff that I scoured from many 'anti-Owen posts' and it was just a joke to keep myself from getting too upset over him leaving Liverpool at that time (but it was revised so it won't look too outdated).

The reason why I included the Cheyrou thing is because well, for one it sounds ridiculous, and right after Cheyrou scored the winning goal against Chelsea in one of the VERY FEW games he ever played for Liverpool, some Liverpool fans (certainly not real ones lar) started going, "OWEN OUT, CHEYROU IN". I don't seriously think Cheyrou was ever good enough, or ever lived up to what Houllier called him, "the next Zidane".

As for what happened, well I think both Liverpool and Owen are to be blamed. But maybe Real Madrid should be blamed even more coz in my opinion, from everything I know of it, they approached Michael Owen illegally, then Michael Owen thought of leaving, but not last summer itself, and when Rafa got to know about it, he decided to sell him (or 'push him out' if you like) to get as much as possible for him (which was wise of Rafa). I also know, of course, that it's silly for us to buy him back for double the price, can only wait for next summer when I think Newcastle MIGHT be forced to sell him coz they're too broke already.

Michael Owen may be overrated, but he's also underappreciated. And in a sense, that post was targetted at those who never appreciated him, who criticised him and said he was never good enough for us no matter what he did, how many goals he scored and how many games he won for Liverpool. Never expected you to take it THAT seriously. And that's probably the only mean thing I've ever written about Michael Owen.

Okay this comment is starting to look longer than most of the posts in this blog so better stop here. =p

Naz said...

Oh so it was you? Haha riteeee... I was thinking this person really ought to know better if she claims to be a Pool fan.

But, fair play to you. It was very well written with nicely constructed sentences and arguments... Which probably provoked the respons from me!

S-Kay said...

Actually..I kinda figured that it was a parody while u were typing ur long comment, Naz but I didn't tell you coz you were typing your stuffs so intently that I couldn't bring myself to interupt such concentration *grins*

suanie said...

lmaooo parody or not, CLASSIC!

bex said...

Naz, well I thought the whole purpose of this whole blog was like to laugh and not take football issues, etc too seriously. If I had sent one of my other football posts, then it would make myself look like I think I'm supercilious and some kind of perfect football fan if you compare it with the rest of the stuff posted in here.

Well, how can a hardcore Liv fan say such things? But a self-proclaimed Liv fan once told me that the happiest moment on his life was when he was Owen limping off with his first major hamstring injury against Leeds. The one that changed everything. Of course, am not trying to say that all Liverpool fans are mean in that way, there are loads of great Liverpool fans (and fans of other clubs as well of course) who have never sl@gged of ANY of their players.

Anyway, thanks for your comments, I really didn't expect to get such a response from anyone - esp a non-Liverpool or Owen fan. (= Ah well, getting weird comments from non-Liverpool fans telling me that whatever I'm writing is ridiculous is better than NOT having any comments at all!!!

Oh and s-kay, I was just trying to defend him (yet again!) and prove why I don't think he isn't as good as he was before, despite what others say.

And I'm actually quite a young football fan and so I never got to watch Owen at 'his best', in fact I only got to watch his WORST years at Liverpool.

bex said...

Oh and of course, thanks everyone else for reading it and esp to those who bothered to comment. (=

Means a lot to me! Esp since this is the only post of mine that will ever make it here!!!

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