ESBN: Reckless Vagina

POTTYMOUTH: The new owner of Pottymouth club came out of the closet today, declaring that the club's Faraj was reckless, and because of that, the club now needs stabilizing to ensure that future transactions will remain reproductive.

In a bid to score with the club's fannys, Pottymouth's new owner Ballsram Cincai declared that he wants to pimp the club to the most responsible client possible

He said he will conduct a KYC [Know Your Cock test] before determining that the next buyer is clean and not a liar. He said, "If he says he's got my money I'm going to see if he's really got money."

Rumours that John Terry was caught sneaking around the club's guest room hopefully, wearing nothing but a captain's armband, were unfounded at press time.

Team USA Win The Gold Medal Formerly Known as the Charity Shield

A PLACE NOWHERE NEAR BEIJING: Plucky Team USA held on valiantly against a superiorly older Pottymouth team to win the Gold Medal for the Cup Formerly Known As The Charity Shield last night.

They won through penalties after withstanding an onslaught of attacks by the country's most prominent striker (prominent in the sense that he will stick out in a crowd anytime) - Peter Crouch and his little pet Defoe.

The match itself was so spectacular that I could not handle the pressure. so to keep from fallign asleep, I had to keep flipping channels to the Olympics Basketball competition where the NBA All-Star Team were giving Yao Ming and his ragtag Chinese team a lesson on "How to win a game using only slam dunks".

One of the highlights of the game was striker Darren Fletcher attempting to score a spectacular goal by sliding in towards goal and connecting with the ball using his spine; and an attempt by a Pottymouth player to take Carlos Tevez's boots off as a souvenir before the game was over.

When it came down to penalties, the Men.United players were so nervous that they could only net three penalties as compared to the five against Chelski last season; but it was still enough for them to win the series 3-1 as Glen Johnson proved that even former Chelsea defenders are not immune to the John Terry Syndrome.

In other news... fuck Barry. Keep Alonso already.

Arsenal Retirement Home beats the Official EPL Retirement Home for FA Cup

LUNDUN: The final major trophy in English football was won by a club in blue not owned by a Russian and full of almost-retired former Arsenal and Liverpool players and managed by a fugly manager with a hot daughter-in-law; after they beat the offical Premiership Retiree Home club in the final.

In a game that only the most avid Robbie Fowler fan (who would have had to settle for mere glimpses of him on the bench) would have been interested in, Pottymouth won thanks to a Nwankuku Kanu goal (who looked like he was confused as to which direction he should run to to celebrate after scoring it), despite Calamity James having his usual moment of calamity which was only saved by a bloody handball.

It was Pottymouth's first trophy for 69 years. Rumours that James went out looking for hookers after the final to celebrate with some 69 action were unfounded at the time of writing.