August 11, 2008
Team USA Win The Gold Medal Formerly Known as the Charity Shield
A PLACE NOWHERE NEAR BEIJING: Plucky Team USA held on valiantly against a superiorly older Pottymouth team to win the Gold Medal for the Cup Formerly Known As The Charity Shield last night.
They won through penalties after withstanding an onslaught of attacks by the country's most prominent striker (prominent in the sense that he will stick out in a crowd anytime) - Peter Crouch and his little pet Defoe.
The match itself was so spectacular that I could not handle the pressure. so to keep from fallign asleep, I had to keep flipping channels to the Olympics Basketball competition where the NBA All-Star Team were giving Yao Ming and his ragtag Chinese team a lesson on "How to win a game using only slam dunks".
One of the highlights of the game was striker Darren Fletcher attempting to score a spectacular goal by sliding in towards goal and connecting with the ball using his spine; and an attempt by a Pottymouth player to take Carlos Tevez's boots off as a souvenir before the game was over.
When it came down to penalties, the Men.United players were so nervous that they could only net three penalties as compared to the five against Chelski last season; but it was still enough for them to win the series 3-1 as Glen Johnson proved that even former Chelsea defenders are not immune to the John Terry Syndrome.
In other news... fuck Barry. Keep Alonso already.