Yo Real Madrid, buy THESE players instead!

Yo Real,

Since you've tried to take our manager and are trying to steal our captain as well, lemme make things a bit simpler for you and reccomended you some players in Liverpool that you ABSOLUTELY MUST BUY, and are the BEST PLAYERS IN THE WORLD at what they do:

Djimi Traore:
World-class Galactico ability: Losing concentration and tripping over his legs
Why Real should buy him: Is even better than Raul Bravo at losing his concentration and fucking up. Should fit in perfectly in your defence.

Chris Kirkland:
World-class Galactico ability: Breaking toes and fingers, tearing ligaments, straining groins....
Why Real should buy him: For the sole purpose of providing Jonathan Woodgate with some company. They could even share the same hospital bed!

Jerzy Dudek:
World-class Galactico ability: Perfoming brilliantly in one match and screwing up in the next nine
Why Real should buy him: like Real, Dudek can play well one match and fuck up the next nine. This dude is a Galactico in his own right. Has won more Champion's League trophies than Robinho, Woodgate and Gravesan combined.

Peter Crouch:
World-class Galactico ability: Scoring with his neck, impersonating goalposts to confuse opponents
Why Real should buy him: Best slam-dunker in the sport. If he were Chinese, he'd be a Galactico in basketball by now.

Djibril Cisse:
World-class Galactico ability: Messing up his hair, hitting the post
Why Real should buy him: Best player in the world at fucking up his haircuts. Oh wait, I forgot. You don't buy ugly players.

Best of all? We'll sell these pricks to you for cheap!