Josemi: Out; Kromkamp In?

Well, that slow clumsy excuse of a defender (Josemi, above left) is finally leaving, if this BBC report is to be believed, to be replaced by Dutchman Jan Kromkamp.

Based on the new guy's record though, it looks like he's gonna be a squad player, and not a first team regular.

Nevertheless, I'm glad we'll be seeing the last of Josemi in Liverpool colours. Never really liked him, was always giving away fouls and lacks concentration at times. Hopefully the new guy settles in better - and doesn't his surname make you think of the sound of chomping down on iron nails?

"Krom, kamp, krom, kamp, hmm, pass the ketchup please, thank you... krom, kamp.. slurp!"

WE CONCEDED A GOAL???

I haven't been able to catch any of the matches while I am in Singapore, so every morning I have to rely on the good old Internet to keep me updated.

So this morning, I was very upset when I woke up, turned on the laptop, opened Soccernet and I saw THIS:



Liverpool maintained their unlikely Premiership title challenge with a 3-1 win over nine-man Everton at Goodison Park.
- Soccernet: Red is the colour

Why was I upset? Because All I could think of was:

"WHAT???? WE CONCEDED A GOAL?????? DAMN!"

Then Vincent MSNed me saying Ronaldo is a cunt, and I saw this little headline on the sidebar:

Birmingham 2-2 Man Utd: The Rifle on target

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAH!

Staying in the moment

I like Thierry Henry. He has easily been the most exciting player in the league for some years now, and it would be a major loss for everyone who supports the EPL if he leaves.

Correction: WHEN he leaves.

From Soccernet: Focused Henry shrugs off Barcelona link

Henry told L'Equipe: 'I am pleased people are interested in me but for the moment there is nothing ongoing.

'The season is proving difficult at the moment. The Champions League is coming and we have to concentrate on that before looking beyond it.'

If I was an Arsenal fan, I'd want him to give more definitive statements than that. I never heard Bergkamp saying anything as wishy-washy as that.

Hantubola bookies are now taking orders. Place your bets on where Henry is going, how much will he be sold, and types of excuses that will be trotted out to justify the sale. Operators are standing by.

Haiyor... CHEAP!

Chelsea will look to sign a midfielder in January as cover for Michael Essien during the African Nations' Cup.
- Guardian Unlimited Football: Chelsea look to Maniche

Oh yeah, do that, why don't ya? You bastards got so much money, that you don't even NEED to resort to all the hand-wringing and fervant hoping that other managers have to go through when players go for internationals, right?

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: Player gone for one-two months? No problem. Sign another player as 'cover' lor. I thought that Maniche use to play for you. ask him to come and play in England for a while lar. Then later we can sell him off for cheap. Don't worry, I still got a lot of spare change.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: What, dowan to buy? then use my private jet lar! He can fly up and down from Cairo to Stamford Bridge. Don't worry about fuel, I got my own rocket fuel factory! BUAHAAHA!

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: No, I haven't heard anything about those other players in the squad. Not my problem anyway. they don't like the bench, they can go to Newcastle. That Scott Parker did that what.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: Player injured for two months? No problem. Just buy some lesser-known player from Everton or something for 20 million "(haiyah, cheap!), play him for the two months that the player is out, and then sell him to Newcastle after that.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: What, Jose? not enough wingers? Only two not enough, what if one of them gets injured? Why, no problem. I buy you another one, ok? Who you want, Shaun Wright-Philips? Only 23 million, cheap! Dowan? How about that Steven Gerrard? 30 million only what! We got Frank Lampard oledi? Haiyah, never mind lah. We buy gerrard, then Liverpool no more midfielder mar! Best!

Bah. Who says you can't buy success eh?

Beware of this Fucker

Look out for this feller. His name is Steve Bennett, from Orpington. He is a premier league referee. He is a damn fierce feller.

He is also a KAYU FUCKER REFEREE

You take one look at his face and you know he is a pukimak. Even his face looks like cibai. Old Chow Kit cibai. Even the name of his hometown sounds like some sort of sohai place.

Budden this feller is osso very damn fierce. Steve Bennett has refereed 15 games this season, and has flashed a card 67 times (61 yellow, 6 red). That's an average of more than 4 cards per game. Every game for sure somebody will kena flash from Steve Bennett. Here's another statistic for you: for the past 4 EPL matches that this kayu ref has looked after, one person has been flashed the red card. In every game. Luis Boa Morte, Chris Riggott, Nico Vaesen & Danny Murphy have all been flashed the red by Steve Bennett for the past four weekends.

You could say Steve Bennett is a flasher.

Better hope he's not the referee of your team's next game. Like I said before, the holiday fixtures are crucial.

Toodles

Lucky Bastards

Chelsea are probably the luckiest bastards in the Premiership. They aren't playing good football but they are winning. As much as I hate those stupid scousers (and their fans) at least they are playing ok.

Chelsea?

Their top scorer is a midfielder who scores from deflections. That is beyond fucked up. He plays EVERY game and never gets injured. That's luck. He shoots with the same power as Scholes and Gerrard, but somehow his shots ALWAYS get deflected in. While Scholes and Gerrard scored good goals over the weekend, Lampard scored via a deflection. AGAIN.

And their stupid captain? He's a young bloke who looks like he's 45 with all his wrinkles. He managed to pull off a magnificent save in the box AGAIN and didn't get a penalty awarded against him. AGAIN. Fuck this shit. Those two were the best saves by a defender since Henchoz saved Liverpool's ass against Arsenal in the FA Cup final a few years ago.

And the most overhyped overrated piece of shit that is Joe Cole? Which cock brained footballer makes a tackle like that in the box? Oh yeah. Phil Neville in Euro 2000. He subsequently became public enemy number 1 after that. The press made a mockery of him. And now? Joe Cole is the NEW GOD. Chelsea's best player apparently.

Ptui.

---

On another unrelated matter, the press have been going on for the last few weeks on how Manyoo were too dependant on Van Nistelrooy and Rooney. Yesterday's game ought to have taught them a few lessons.

Park Ji Sung is going to be a God.

Owen Jeered, Anfield Cheered

"Michael Owen spent most of his homecoming watching the team he left produce a display of crushing efficiency as Liverpool beat Newcastle 2-0 at Anfield."
- Soccernet.com

Michael Owen retreated ashen faced to Tyneside last night with the jeers of those who once adored him haunting his thoughts and defeat chilling his soul.
- Guardian Unlimited Football

As much as I wish Owen came back to Liverpool in the summer, he didn't, and so he came back to Anfield last night as a Newcastle player, to boos and jeers.

Now, I don't think he deserved those jeers.

After all, come on people, it's not as if he scored. In fact, it's not as if he did ANYTHING at all. Carragher and Hyypia smothered him out brilliantly, and he didn't get much service from his teammates either.

No service, no goals. Sorry Mikey. Now don't you wish you had some of those crossess that were being pinged to Morientes and Crouch instead?

Oh well, Mike Owen or not, it's another win for Liverpool. EIGHT consecutive wins AND CLEAN SHEETS in the Premiership. How you like THEM apples huh?

goal of the week

Without a doubt.

Petr Cech decided to give Fulham a xmas gift last night; and the cibai ref turned down our penalty claim before awarding one to Fulham. Fucking McBride was even waiting for a tackle to come in before he allowed himself to be tripped up.

Anyways, all's well that ends well. Perhaps we should play 3-4-3 more often, even if The Boss doesn't like unnecessary risk-taking.

Toodles

[photo of the winning volley taken from BBC Sports]

2005: A Funny Year

It's almost the end of the year, and I figured do a litle review of the football year here.

Of course, since I'm a Liverpool fan, I'm going to completely disregard all the good things that happened to Manchester United (as if there were any), and gloat a lot about a certain trophy going to Anfield, thanks largely to a goal that supposedly wasn't a goal but eventually was a goal that got us into the final.

Anyway, here goes. I will always remember 2005 for:

• The Glazered-over eyes of MU supporters (BUAHAHA!)
• Chelsea becoming the New Man U (Read: The club everyone loves to hate)
  
• Gerrard's U-turn (YES!)
  
• Owen's NU-turn (NOOOOOO!)
  
• Keane's Tirade (BUAHAHA!)
• Why football fans are IDIOTS (OUCH)
  
• Beckham getting a red card because of his looks (AAAA... HAHAHAHAHA!)
  
• England losing to Northern Ireland. (GYAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)
  
• Manure going out of the first round of the this year's season of....
• THIS:

As you can see, 2005 had a lot of happy and gleeful moments for Liverpool fans like me. Will add more if I think of more. Until then, I shall hereby sign off the way the Christmas cards from Anfield allegedly went...

Happy New Year yer all, from the Champion's League Winners for 2004/2005!!!!!

BUAHAHAHA!

Hantu Bola: Suanie's Freshie Blog of the Year!!!!

Today is the proudest day in the history of HANTU BOLA!!!

Why? Because we got THIS:




Now for our acceptance speech:

We at Hantu Bola would like to thank the following people:

• David Beckham for being such an easy target
• Sepp Blatter for being an arse
• Wayne Rooney for being... well, Wayne Rooney
• Peter Crouch for being such a towering influence
• Cristiano Ronaldo for crying so much
• Michael Owen for inspiring our longest post by a (then) Non-contributer yet!
• Manchester United for inspiring so much gleeful merriment in all Scousers
• Real Madrid for being so fucked up that it's embaressing to even gloat at them
• Our resident troll-commentor for giving us hours of endless fun
• Chelsea for turning Tigerjoe into a holy man
• The Ghostbusters for inspiring Vincent to making THIS
• All the assorted referees and linesmen who have so graciously provided us fodder for our REFERE KAYU and LINESMAN KAYU chants

and last but not least....

Thanks to Suanie for giving us this award even though you don't even watch football (update: As often as you used to)!!!! Next time we got Football + Beer outing we call you ok?

---

UPDATED by Vincent: This Eyeris ar....make thank you speech never include a few more important people. How can?

I would like to thank also:

• Captain Neviller for being the awesome captain that he is
• Liverpool for making me get in touch with my inner self, the giggly 8 year old girl.

Ah See No vs Cheh Loh See (HK Style)

Well, its a little stale, but as you can tell from the title, its because I was away on holiday in Hong Kong. But a little thing like that won't stop me from catching what was supposed to be the beginning of our resurgence... But sadly that wasn't to be...

Anyway, I caught the game on the tele in my hotel room and I watched the whole bloody game with Cantonese commentary. This is a first for me. I should also point out that my Canto is memang half-past-six, so I didn't really understand what was going on 3/4 of the time.

After about 20 or so minutes Han Lei (Henry) had a "wong kam kei wui" (golden opportunity) to put us in front, but "AIYAAAAAAAA"... Hit the post. From then on we went from strength to strength. So there it was, Fan Puh See (I kid you not) finished with style after a "leng poh" from Loong Pak Koh (Ljungberg). But sadly, it was ruled offside.

Before you knew it, Lob Ban managed to sneak in after Koh Lo Tou Lei (I was expecting Koh Lo Tiu Lei) decided to play in attack while Soh Kam Poh played him marginally onside, which is a similar position to Fan Puh See earlie. After the goal, Ah See Noh simply lost confidence, what with two "hau sang chai" in the middle (Speaking of chai, for some reason Owen is known as Owen Chai). But the same could be said about Lam Pah Tat (Seriously. And Gerrard is Ger Lah Tat) who seemed a little out of sorts that night.

And it was quite frustrating watching "Ai San" (Essien) walked off scot free with just a "wong pai" (yellow card) from the ref. But truth to be told, Fah Pei Kah See and Flamini (I couldn't catch the Canto version, or probably he just didn't receive enough of the ball to be called!) was no match for the might of Ai San and Mak Kah Lei Lei (this is my personal favourite). Bringing on the fragile Pei Leh See also didn't help our cause.

It was a good game but I wouldn't say we were outclassed especially in the first half where we were a match for the Russian army... Until Lob Ban scored in off the post. The 2nd half was pure frustration as Kol See scored another one off the post as well. Its ironic how Fan Puh See's marginal onside was called off, but Lob Ban was allowed to play on. And its even more ironic that Han Lei's shot hit the post and went out but Lob Ban and Kol See's went in.

I have to mention though... Moh Lei No and Weng Ka should start growing up lah. What matters more is what goes on on the pitch, and I have to say Weng Ka sing sang, its not happening!

Sepp Blatter KAYU!!!

Mister Sepp Blatter, you are a fat fuck who should limit yourself to chairing committee meetings without actually speaking to the media. Or anyone with an IQ higher than 60.

Mister Sepp Blatter, you are a pukimak bigot whose latest victim is Michael Essien. You couldn't control your own Competitions Committee when it decided that a yellow card cannot be upgraded to a red posthumously, so you egged on UEFA to do a trial by video specially for Essien. How come Cristiano Ronaldo didn't get a trial by video too, for that birdie he flipped against Benfica?

Mister Sepp Blatter, your track record for comments and suggestions to improve the beautiful game clearly show that you are a fucking fat idiotic MCP fucker. The King of Fuckwits, so to speak.

Yes, I is very the angry right now. This is the reason why.

Why is five the magic number for foreign players in any team? Is it because Real Madrid usually field five foreigners (Zidane, Beckham, Ronaldo, Robinho & Roberto Carlos) in their matches?

When a rich club gives loads of money to a not-so-rich club, it means that the rich don't get richer and the poor become rich (or less poor). This is not a case of rich becoming richer, poor becoming poorer. Ask West Ham whether they could have survived two seasons out of the Premier League without going bankrupt, if it wasn't for the fact that Chelsea paid fair value for Glen Johnson and Joe Cole. Plus the Hammers got £11.5 million from us way back when we bought Frank Lampard off them. Compare that to how Leeds United got ripped off by other clubs when they had to sell players after relegation.

Whoever said Chelsea, as an English Premier League club, don't have enough English players? Out of 25 players that are registered to play for us this season, 9 are English. That's one more than what Liverpool have, and more than double the number of English players Arsenal have in their squad.

One last thing: Roman Abramovich would certainly be more than happy to pay less for the players that Jose Mourinho wants to have at Chelsea. Is it really his fault that a couple of cheese-eating surrender monkeys jacked up their prices when they found out Chelsea were interested in Michael Essien last summer, or Didier Drogba in the summer before last?

Mister Sepp Blatter, you deserve a foot-long fat dildo shoved up your arse. Without lubricant. I mean it, you dumb fuck.

[pics of the fat fuck taken from The Gallery @ Guardian Unlimited Football]

***************

You're an idiot Sepp Blatter, and you know you are...

12 days of christmas

I'm not talking about xmas carols, but what is one of the most important periods of the EPL season: the holiday fixtures. I'm talking four games within the space of ten days; with no club excepted from this test of physical strength, endurance and squad size.

Let's take a selective peek at this year's holiday fixtures. What I mean by that is, let's see what match-ups the Big Four (who else is there? Tottenham izit?) will have to deal with:

The Arse - CHA (a), POR (h), AST (a) & MAN (h)
Chelsea - FUL (h), MAC (a), BIR (h) & WHU (a)
Pool - NEW (h), EVE (a), WBA (h) & BOL (a)
ManYoo - WBA (h), BIR (a), BOL (h) & ARS (a)

The Arse and Chelsea seem to be somewhat luckier of the four, only having to leave London once. Of course, some Scousers may be quick to pipe up that their trip to Bolton is much shorter than any trip from London to the Midlands or Manchester. Such Scousers may want to keep in mind that the holiday fixtures start a few days after their team returns from Japan. There is a matter of jet lag, time zone and climate differences that need to be dealt with; hence Newcastle may prove to be more than a handful for youse, plus the Merseyside derby and a trip to the Reebok Stadium aren't exactly picnics either.

ManYoo will be the frequent flyers among the Big Four during the holiday season, having to get down to the Midlands before returning to Glazer Dome and then hurrying down to London. All this travelling should seem to be normal for professional footballers, but when we consider that there is only one day in between matches during the holiday fixtures, I'll bet Fergie is less than pleased with the fixtures.

As proven in previous seasons among the Big Four, the team that gets the most points out of their holiday fixtures will usually win the league. For the purposes of benchmarking, I reckon 10 points is the target for any team that's serious about the league title. For Arsenal though, 10 points from the holiday fixtures may be the minimum they need to finish in the top four.

It may be a good idea to pray for your club.

Toodles

[photo of Fergie taken from Guardian Unlimited Football]

**************

Carefree, wherever we may be; We are the famous CFC; And we don't give a fuck; Whoever you may be; 'Cos we are the famous CFC...

The Blue Flag Flies High

ARS 0 - 2 CHE

Moral of the story: Never send two boys out to do a job meant for men. Flamini and Fabregas against Makelele and Essien? It's like sending lambs to the slaughter - the lambs will get fucked. Inside out and upside down.

Monsieur Wenger has committed a crime in my view; the crime of sending kids up against two of the best holding midfileders in the world, surely killing their morale and possibly reducing the kids' manhoods all at the same time. But such is the way of the Arse manager Arsene, and this is why Blue is the new Red as far as the City of London is concerned.

Anyone watching the match last night would have seen how the Arse midfield just gave the ball to us during the opening 20 minutes. It was as if they would rather give away possession than take on the awesome threesome led by Frank Lampard. There was no way for Ljungberg to cari makan against a defence marshalled by John Terry, and wannabe macho man Sol Campbell must have looked quite out of place amongst a group of ninnies and sissies. It must have gotten quite hilarious when 10 sissies decided to gang up on Michael Essien after the feller had said "hello" to Lauren sometime in the 35th minute. After all that hu-ha, Arjen Robben then showed the Arse how to score a goal as he flew past a non-existent defence and aimed for the far post. Ho ho ho, merry xmas indeed.

Now Chelsea have done the double on the Arse and Wigan; with ManYoo, the Scousers and the Totty Boys due at the Bridge. If Chelsea can make it through next week's holiday fixtures with at least 10 points, I reckon the title will be decided before the knockout rounds of the Champions' League starts. Keep the blue flag flying high, Chelsea fans, and don't forget your prayers.

Toodles

[photo of Lehmann spreading his legs wide and Campbell bending over taken from BBC Sports]

tee hee

This is where I point and giggle like a little girl who has seen a penis for the first time...

TEE HEE!

Eyeris said there were four disallowed goals, which I don't know because I had more important things to do like eat dinner. I saw 3 of them though. The Garcia header....which betul betul got 3 Liverpool players offside wat. And the Hypia goal from the corner it went out, and the whistle went very early and the Sao Paolo players stopped moving already. I also saw the Pongolle goal......too bad la that one.

That reminds me of the time Manyoo lost to Porto because the bloody linesman was soo blind that when THREE Porto players played Scholes onside, he still disallowed the goal. And then everybody started laughing at Manyoo for losing to an unknown team. And of course the stupid Jose Mourinho became famous and everything.

And also reminds me of all the Arsenal fans and Liverpool fans who laughed at us the last time we played in one of these World Club Championship thingamingy. Well, at least we lost of a Romario inspired Vasco da Gama and played in the Maracana...something Arsenal have yet to do since they won't come anywhere close to winning any European competitions. And for the Liverpool fans who laughed at me (us) back then.....here's to you again!

TEE HEE!

And Bex, in her earlier post said that Liverpool are still World Champions in her heart.

TEE HEE!

Well, in that case, so everybody knows, Manyoo are also STILL Premiership Champions, FA Cup Champions, European Champions, World Champions and Intergalactic Champions in my heart. But unfortunately its not what's in my heart that counts, it's the stupid trophy thingy that everybody else bothers about....

(I think I've been evil enough, so I'll just stop here)