October 17, 2006

Overheard on Oprah

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: Today, we have with us, the sexiest man in England, the Brad Pitt of soccer, the cutie with the golden balls and pink nails, the reason women watch soccer and the one who brought metrosexuality to the public. Here issssssssss…

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: Daaaaaaaaaaaavid Beckham

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

(Oprah and Beckham kissy kissy)
Oprah: Nice to finally meet you David. OMG! You are soooooooooo cute! Isn't he girls?

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Beckham: (stuttering, squeaky voice throughout.) Err..Nice to meet you err.... Oprah.

Oprah: So, is it true you are coming to America to further your soccer career?

Beckham: Err...actually...you know..

Oprah: Did you hear that? David Beckham is coming to America girls! Soccer will be even more of a girls' sport in our land!

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: I would have thought though, with your looks and your flair for metrosexuality fashion sense, you'd be better off on the catwalk. Or even in the movies. Is that in the pipeline?

Beckham: Err..you know...I wouldn't err...say no, you know? In fact..

Oprah: I love your nails by the way

Beckham: Cheers. I'm also wearing err..matching frilly knickers..you know..

Oprah: You are not like any other sportsmen are you? You are not even like any other men, are you?

Beckham: Actually..Oprah.. I've always felt..err..real men..should get in touch with his..err..inner female...innit?

Oprah: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. The soccer fans in England have really gone to town on you, haven't they? They say you are more interested in sponsorhip deals and making a name for your brand Beckham. That you are more into fame than your football career, that you'd rather be on the catwalk and in the limelight, that you are a publicity hungry gay boy..what the English so eloquently terms a wanker.....What do you have to say to that David?

Beckham: Err..actually... Oprah...you know..

Oprah: You know..when the producers showed me your clippings..I shared them with my friend, Dr Phil.. You know Dr Phil?

Beckham: Err..is this Dr Phil as cute as Nate Birkin?

Oprah: Err..Dr Phil is a straight shooter. Anyway, Dr Phil said you display the classic symptoms of are man who is throughly pussywhipped by his wife..

(Oprah turns to her audience) David is married to Victoria of the Spice Girls, did you know that?

Audience: Huh?? Victoria who?? Hesitant clapping.

Oprah: Anyway, Dr Phil concluded that you are at her beck and call, that you are the one wearing the sarong in your family...that you are a wuss..that you deserve to be dropped from the England squad..How do you feel about all that, David?

Beckham: err...I called Tom Cruise and he says err..I forgot..something about science..

Oprah: Victoria is the more dominant partner in your relationship, isn't she? Do you feel society doesn't understand your family's role reversal?

Beckham: Err..actually I don't understand what dominant and role reversal mean..I will have to ask..err...Brooklyn innit?

Oprah: My question, David, is Victoria the man in your family?

Beckham: Owh..yeah..definitely! Definitely!

Oprah: Does it make you angry? Do you feel it's unfair? Does it make you feel less of a man? Does it David?

Beckham: (Sobs) I'm afraid so ..
But I've always had..you know... gay tendency innit? Is that so wrong..?

Oprah: There..there..there's no shame in wanting to be a woman, David. Christiano is doing just that and he's still at your old club..

(Oprah turns to her audience while Becks is being consoled by Nate Birkin)

Speaking of Christiano Ronaldo - the soccer player who's redefined the term 'Sensitive New Age' guy..

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

Oprah: Sweet isn't he, girls? Don't you just want to pat his head and wipe the snot off his nose?

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww..

Oprah: Anyway, David revealed to me, when we had dinner with Tom Cruise and Katie the other night, that he and Chistiano are making the Brokeback Mountain 2 over the summer. Here are some clippings.

Audience: Eeeeuwweeeeuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

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