No, I don't watch football for the guys and spend the entire game giving you an exclusive commentary of which footballer has the best legs, bod, face. [More like the opposite really. Stuff like, "OMG XXX IS SO UGLY LAR! HOW CAN SHE THINK HE'S CUTE?"] Instead, I keep thinking about food all the time [well, you always need to find a way to merge your favourite things] and um, always form weird associations between the footballers and food or animals. [Depends on how highly I rate the player, really.]
This strange habit started back in the days when Liverpool's brand of football was well, mundane and one-dimensional to say the least. Defensive defensive defensive. It was sometimes so depressing that the ONLY thing you can think about is food [or whatever it is that YOU think about when you're down], because if you didn't, you might have a bit of trouble trying to overcome that overwhelming desire to SLAP those players when they're lounging around the field like llamas. So anyway, EVERYONE loves chocolate chip cookies, and I used to crave chocolate chip cookies EVERY TIME I was watching those games [if you know me well enough, I'm always craving SOMETHING] that I started to come up with silly chocolate chip cookie names for virtually half the team. [Owen is too good for chocolate chip cookies though, right, Lily? Hahaha I'm just kidding, but Owen never got a chocolate chip cookie name, he was always Walker's Owen and Cheese.]
One of the very first chocolate chip cookie names I came up with was Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie for Dudek.
Look at that picture and tell me you don't start dreaming of After Eight mints or any sort of mint chocolate with green packaging!
One of the reasons why I thought of mint for Dudek was because he always wears the same green Liverpool jersey and it just makes me think of mint chocolate. Also, look at this picture. The colour of Dudek's hair is the same as the chocolate! RIGHT?
Then, one day, I was watching this game and suddenly noticed that Xabi Alonso's hair reminds me of tangerine. [I can't really find a picture that proves that though! You just have to stare really hard. Which I know, will be a really weird thing to do if you're a guy. So just take my word for it. =p] So even though I don't think such a flavour exists, he's Tangerine Chocolate Chip Cookie.
I've been told countless of times that I should open a chocolate chip cookie shop because of all these weird flavours I keep coming up with. [Unfortunately, I'm only good at eating.] Some are really boring and transparent though. Florent Sinama-Pongolle was Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookie, Hyypia is Buttercream Chocolate Chip Cookie, I think, because his hair is so pale it's almost white, Danny Murphy was Peach Chocolate Chip Cookie because he was always bald and his bald spot is a little pinkish, so I always think of peaches when I see any images of him, etc.
Of course, sometimes it's just impossible for you to think of any chocolate chip cookie flavours for any of the players, so people like Gerrard remind of other desserts [coz desserts are the best and worst kinds of cravings to have]. Gerrard, by the way, reminds me of cream puffs all the time.
It's the wrinkles, really. Plus, all the cream makes cream puffs richer than they actually are. And we all know what kind of player Steven Gerrard is. [The only reason why I put up an England picture is because that's the only one I can find with the wrinkles being really obvious.] My sister once asked me why Gerrard never went for botox coz she thinks her wrinkles are really bad. [She's not a football fan] Well, take a look at his fiancee and you'll see why. ;) And it's the cream that she wants out of this cream puff too.
And you know, the other day, I was watching the Community Shield game and everything was fine until they decided to display Diarra's first name VERY PROMINENTLY. EVERYONE knows that ANYTHING can set off any type of craving for me. I probably look at ants and start craving for jelly beans or something. I know, I'm very very weird, you don't have to tell me. And if you didn't already know, Diarra's first name happens to be LASSANA. And so I spent the rest of the game HAVING THIS CRAZY CRAVING FOR LASAGNE!!!!!!!
Thankfully, the Liverpool players were not in the mood to be generous [;)] enough to concede any more goals that would lengthen that game further and decided to put me out of my misery. Because I don't know about everyone else, but whenever I get a bad craving, I HAVE TO SLEEP. Or I'll just keep dreaming and thinking of lasagne until the thought that I CANNOT have any, especially at such an hour, drives me absolutely nuts. Unsurprisingly, my friends think I'm probably mentally obese. And they wouldn't be wrong either, since I think of food ALL the time. [No, I don't think I have any eating problems or issues with my weight.] But I think it's definitely BETTER than watching football and admiring the 'cute' guys that aren't even cute.
Of course, sometimes, when I'm not too busy thinking of food and how a certain player looks like some sort of food that might set off yet another craving, I think of even more bizzare things. Has anyone noticed that Luis Garcia doesn't look like a skinny, deprived ape who should be fed lots of chocolate cake and instead bears a remarkable resemblance to a less hairy, black Scottish terrier? His hair is exactly the same shade as the fur of a Scottish Terrier!!!
You might think that I'm just being a girl, but trust me, you won't find a girl who cares less about hair, fashion and shopping than me. Can't seem to find a recent picture of Garcia's hair though but I know that it used to be so flappy and annoying I was always tempted to snip off his greasy hair for him because I was so sure it would obscure his vision and maybe that's why he kept losing the ball and scoring accidental goals. Seriously, what's wrong with a boring haircut like Gerrard's? [Though now there is this strange rectangular flap thing. That must be the reason why he hasn't been scoring. While we're at it, someone should go trade all of Gonzalez's -who looks like a cross between a chicken and a penguin - hair gel in for more important things - like food - that people in Africa and other such countries are desperate for.] It's safe and there is less of a chance that you'll appear like a wild, dishevelled animal.
Unfortunately though, all these animal linking don't exactly evoke the best memories. I remember remarking that Rio Ferdinand looks like a turkey and HE JUST HAD TO SCORE RIGHT AFTER THAT!!! Grrrr. Most of the time though, it seems to be a pretty effective motivation tool, even though I'm sure the players never realise people think those things of them, and probably can't care less either with the kind of money they're on.
So Eyeris, you sure you want me to blog more often?
**Forgot to mention that the reason why you might feel like killing me whenever I say any of the above is because whenever I insult a player from the opposition team [like in Ferdinand's case], they always go ahead and score. So you'll wish that I would shut up my mouth until the game is over, at least!
**And how could I have left out PETER CROUCH THE ELONGATED ROGER RABBIT??