Undefeated Teams Strike Accord. Decide to Share Points.

LIVERPOOL: An accord was struck between the only undefeated teams left in the EPL as The Rotating Red Robbers generously gave the Arsenal MSSM team an equaliser 10 minutes from time, just so that EPL fans didn't have to endure the annoyance of having Fugly Strikeforce United on top of the table for an entire week.

After letting in a Steven Gerrard freekick, Arsenal was very angry with Liverpool's goalposts, and even tried to break it by whacking it with the ball, but in the end, the Robin Hood Reds decided to take pity on the kids, and NOT be the ones to teach them how to lose by giving Adik Fabregas a goal. Even then, the kids were still angry at the post, and Adik Fab-bagus tried to break it again with another shot.

Adik Fabregas later gave an interview in perfect English, saying how disappointed they wre not to win, and Jamie Carragher tried to say the same thing in a later interview but ended up talking in some foreign language instead.

In other news, Tottenhamsup lost 2-1 at home to Blackburnt despite not having Martin Jol around to screw up their tactics and despite Shebby Singh being on duty on ESPN's show. Meanwhile, Sven Goran Erikson repaid Frank Lampard for kissing his ass when he was England manager by letting them win 6-0 against his club Svan City. Rumours that Joe Cole and Ashley Cole tried to double team Sven to get in on the action later were unfounded.

Cibai. Pt. 6285933

Cibai.
Hyypia is way past it.
We need Agger back.

Sudahlah, Pak Leman

NOT about the Arsenal kids whitewashing Slavia Prague 7-0... (wanna take that one, Naz?)

Instead, about the player NOT on the field...

Pak Leman or sometimes known as Jens Lehmann.



After getting tired of taking potshots at Oliver Kantoi, (which by the way, if not for Juergen Klinsmann, Pak Leman would have never played for Germany), he is now threatening to leave Arsenal because he is "HUMILIATED" at being left out of games.

Sudahlah, Pak Leman. Besides being our least favourite Arsenal player, everyone is quite tired of your antics like:

- Every time some defender touches you or your perfectly set hair, you will fall down like kena two foot tackle.

- Telling everyone you are 'the best', 'better than Oliver Kantoi', 'will play in World Cup 2014'...

- Anyway you cost us two goals this season, esp against Blackburn.

You lost your place fair and square, Pak Leman. Kasi chan orang lain lah.

Like Almunia.




(yeah i know the bleached hair and mustache make him look like a pimp...)

Pantun Raya Liga Perdana

Kuah kacang dicicah ketupat
Jangan lupa kuih bahulu,
Momo beraya di negeri barat
Diteman eyeris yang macam Ben Ayu

Penat berpuasa kenduri makan
lepas melantak basuhlah pinggan
Christina Ronaldo memang pondan
Banyak handbag mengalah perempuan

Beli ayam ayuh ke pasar
Buat rendang sungguh istimewa
Frank Lampoop teteknya besar
Deflection goals serah kepadanya

Pergi beraya di pekan Kampar
Singgah sebentar di bandar Bidor
Old Fart Fergit mulut celupar
Kena pukul terus sakit telor

Siapa tak puasa kena rotan
Lepas menangis makan rambutan
Si Whinger memang kuat meroyan
Suka pula mengorat anak ikan

Anak dara duduk terperok
Minum sirap makan buah kurma
Tevez berok, Rooney pula buruk
sekali pandang, sebulan trauma

Pakai kebaya lelaki pun ghairah
Minta ampun kepada yang marah
Granpa Hyppia sangat pemurah
Kepada Everton dia bersedekah

Baju kurung kain labuh
Nilai murni kita bersama
Phil Neville sangatlah bodoh
Terimakasih dari kami semua

Rio Ferdinand suka hisap ganja
Shabby Pundek kuat membebel
Voronin gemuk macam anak gajah
Nasib baik Kuyt teramat comel

Ada goatie sungguh bergaya
Tukar player macam orang gila
Rotate-Rotate budaya kita
Semoga naik ke tangga pertama

Devils in CRISIS!

BIRMINGHAM: LA Galaxy's star quarterback David Beckham's former soccer team, Manchester United Soccer Team was plunged into crisis yesterday when they played fellow American team Aston Villa in the English Major Soccer League.

Although ManUSA won 4-1, they have now conceded 2 goals in the last 611 minutes of professional soccer - hardly a commendable statistic for a team aiming to lift the England Cup. With main line back Manja Vidic out, the Devil's backline looked shaky with Spanish rookie Gerard Pique in the middle. It was no wonder that Aston Villa managed to score against them to plunge them further into crisis.

Sir Alex Ferguson, who earlier this week learned that a homeless beggar who punched his testicles in a train station a few weeks ago was jailed 15 months, must still have been sore with the after effects and paired two fat point guards Rooney and Tevez who clearly cannot play together as a attacking tag team. They have been struggling to find their form this season, and any other partnership would have easily bagged 3 goals each on the night.

Aston Villa also did not help their cause when they tried to emulate the Silly Blue Scousers who earlier in the night had two team members sent to the permanent sin bin. Goalkeeper Scott Carson, on a lease from the Rotary Club (Merseyside branch) was sent to the sin bin shortly after England middle field player Nigel Rice Cooker.

United got out of jail today, but may not be so lucky in Tuesday Night Football when they take on the Kiev Dynamos in the European Soccer Cup.

Everton Home Buglarised! Police Seek Man In Black!

LIVERPOOL: The Toffee Suckers' returned home after the international break to find that their Godison Park home was robbed of three points by hubcap-stealing criminal organisation the Rotating Reds.

The Red Robbers managed to come back from two red cards down to and eventually won by two goals to one despite scoring all three goals; all thanks to two penalties generously given to Dirk Kuyt.

The robbery is suspected to be an inside job, which the Rotating Reds pulled off with the help of a certain man in black. The crime nearly wasn't committed as one of the Rotating Red's members, Sami Hyypia (probably the only player in red who felt guilty for needing to win), scored one for his concience by giving a goal to Everton.

However, deep into injury time, former Men.United player Phil Neville decided to spend some quality alone time with Ol' Tony Hibbert in the showers before the rest of the guys came in; chalking up another red card for Everton by following in his big brothers' footsteps and play a spot of volleyball with Levia's shot on the goalline.

Rumours that the police of Liverpool are now on a manhunt for the Rotating Reds' accomplice from inside - a man wearing black called Mark Clattenburg, who not only let Liverpool in with the two penalties, but also robbed Everton of some penalties at the same time - were unconfirmed at press time.

EXCLUSIVE: SHOCKING pictures from the Madjeski!!

READING: For those of you not in the know, Reading played Derby last weekend and won 1-0. Ordinarily, us folks at HBBN wouldn't really give a shit about the game and the result, choosing instead to mock Misses Robinson and Pretty Boy Scouse. However, we feel it our social responsibility to highlight the following disturbing chain of events at the Madjeski Stadium on Sunday.

The mayhem starts with Kevin Doyle lining up a shot (or a header). To be honest, we didn't really give a shit about this game and didn't even bother reading the match report or watching the match highlights.



What we do know is that Kevin Doyle did score and the Rams (or Sheep) were set to lose another game.


Personally, we don't really understand why people even bother to celebrate when they score against Derby County, when even the crisis club, You'll -Never-Win-Again FC managed 6 goals against them. That should really give you an idea of how crap Derby are. Nonetheless, Kevin Doyle scores a goal, wheels away to celebrate and decides he needs a score...


Enter Kingsley the Lion and Stephen 'head-breaker' Hunt. Never mind that kids are watching and cameras are clicking away, the furverts from Reading indulge in a little furry fandom fetish.


In comes Dave Kitson, for reasons unknown, other than to urge Stephen Hunt on. To, er...suck it, we think. What the Lion is doing, we have no idea since we don't get our jollies off that way, but Kevin Doyle seemed to be enjoying himself as was the young Reading fan in the background.


We do, however know that Dave Kitson was later photographed by paparazzi leaving the pitch without his pants.


Regretfully, we are unable to tell you when that happened or how it happened (because we weren't bothered to watch the game, see) but certainly this is the most disturbing news to shock the footballing world since Djibril Cisse told us that Steven Gerrard sometimes wore his leopard print underwear in the Liverpool dressing room.

women's football

Today I'm going to be an armchair football poondeque, and talk about women's football. Or rather, pay an underhanded compliment to the sport.

Football is traditionally a man's game. It's sweaty, dirty and occasionally you even lose a tooth or break bones. I get women's football - it is after all the 21st century and whatever a man can do, a woman can certainly have a go at.

Besides, one does not need to have a penis to play football, just a pair of boots (and shinpads, if you insist). Keepers these days also need gloves apparently, although in my day the only extra equipment a keeper would use would be some shoe polish rubbed into the palms to improve grip on really wet days. That's a story for another day though.

Getting back to point, sure, I get women's football. There is no doubting the physical ability of a woman when she puts her mind to something, and women certainly deserve their own football leagues and tournaments. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. There's no way a man would compete with a woman in a physical contest - there's no glory in victory and defeat gurantees a lifetime of shame down at the pub.

Of course, if one were to do a Sepp Blatter and suggest that the womenfolk play football in ultra-tight hot pants and cropped jerseys, that would be a different ball game altogether. In fact, it ignores the fact that a suggestion to organise five-a-side beach football competitions for women would be a much smarter and more acceptable alternative to achieving the same outcome that the old pervert Blatter may have had in mind. No?

So yeah, well done to the organisers of the Women's World Cup and everyone involved in women's football. Let's get together and organise a beach football tournament next year - we can even have separate categories for men, women and ah kuas. Heheh.

Cibai. Part 2.

Cibai.
What le fuck.
Should have bloody won it in the first half.
Thank god Spurs were being Spurs.
But it's still another fucking two points dropped.
It's all Tigerjoe's fault.
Liverpool always lose when he's back in town.

England Win Without Gerrard, Rooney and Terry

Just saw England beat Australia.
No Gerrard, Lampard, Crouch, Terry etc etc.
Still can win.
No Beckham samore!
Ceh, Kewell not playing also
No wonder Australia lost lar.
Eh, since when Newcastle got that Johnny Wilkinson dude?
Four penalties in a World Cup, sial!
Liverpool should buy him to take their penalties.
Have Peter Crouch stand next to the opponent's goal,
So Johnny got a tall pole to aim at.
Eh? Football?

Cibai.

Cibai.
At Anfield samore.
Useless fuckers.
Lucky I didn't wake up to watch.

Chelski Score One For Entertaining Football

BIRMINGHAM: Russian Footsy Team Chelski scored one for entertaining football yesterday, managing to entertain fans of Fulham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Men.United with their superior goals-not-scored tally last night.

More SMSes of "WHY ARE THERE NO GOALS" were reportedly sent to Chelski fan Tigerjoe, as the plucky Russian team nicked a point via a scoreless draw at home against derby rivals Fullofham, who unlike Chelski, have an actual manager in charge, instead of a puppet.

Like last weekend, Chelski once again won 1-0 on red cards against Fullofham, and Drogba was the one who got off work early this time, having heard the enjoyable laughs Jon Obi Mikel had with Jose Mourinho when they watched Luca Brasi's fucking boring post-match speeches last week.

In the meantime, chants of One-Nil To The United rang out around the St. Andrews Stadium as relegation favorites Men.United rode their luck once again to win 1-0 against superior opposition.

MU Manager George Graham Ferguson was happy with the three points, saying that it was their hardest game of the season so far, ignoring completely the relegation six-pointer last week against charismatic-manager-less Chelski and the fact that his three strikers alone cost more than the entire Birmingham team.

In other news, Arsene's Kid Brigade won 1-0 at West Ham despite the fact that Ceh Fabbagus didn't score as expected; while the Liverpool Rotating Club only managed a 1-0 win against a Wigan side despite playing against Titus Bramble.

At the same time, more goals were scored in one game at Fratton Park than in the entire league combined, as Pottymouth and Reading decided to start playing rugby instead of football.

JT Meets Karma

LONDON: Chelsea continued their march towards to the Coca Cola League Championship yesterday by successfully drawing 0-0 against the mighty Fulham FC. In their relentless march towards world domination, Hantu Bola News (HBN) learnt that Peter Kenyon plans to win the remaining prizes in English football that they have not managed to get their mangy paws on.

Chelski's captain John Terry, was also introduced to a lovely lady Ms. Karma yesterday as he now faces a spell out after getting his cheekbone broken. Earlier this week, the spineless FA refused to ban him even though he tried to steal the referee's red card in last week's game against ManUSA. HBN learnt from an undisclosed source that JT had met the lovely lady a lot in recent weeks after he claimed earlier in the season that ManUSA, then 5 points behind Chelsea, would 'find it hard' to claw their way back into title contention. So hard that it took all of 3 weeks to do.

However, HBN is stuck in a dilemma as we cannot decide if that was funnier than Drogba getting sent off just after coming back from an injury, or that Ukrainian superstar Andriy "can't score against Jerzy Dudek from one yard out" Shevchenko was boo-ed throughout the game.

In other news, the children of the used-to-be-non-issues, Arsenal FC somehow managed to defy logic and win again, beating West Ham United 1-0. Chief kid Fabregas earlier said that he was very scared when a particular French maestro was playing there. A quick poll conducted by HBN found that the fans of the other BIG CLUBS didn't mind if Arsenal won the league this season if their club couldn't win it. All except for one anomaly being the respected football pundit Mr Serbegeth Singh. However, he supports Totenham Hotspurs who aren't a big club - so his opinion in this matter does not count.

Elsewhere, the glorious club of Steven Gerrard FC with a long and distinguised history (which HBN notes can be bought for a predetermined number of greenbacks) has proven HBN Co-editor Vincent correct by the purchase of a certain Spanish quaterback. Despite beating Wigan 0-1, El Torres had a crappy game, missing 3 excellent chances, showing the Scousers that scoring against Derby County and Reading FC does not prove you a great striker. Coincidentally, waltzing past Tal Ben-Hur against Chelsea is nothing to shout about. Steven Gerrard FC needed to be rescued late in the game by a Yogi Bear subsititute which HBN grudgingly acknowledges was a pretty okay goal. Perhaps El Torres needs lessons from Yogi Bear.

Lastly, champions of England, ManUSA fresh from their defeat in the Mickey Mouse Cup dropped all their members of the Mickey Mouse Club and started with real men in the league to beat Birmingham City 0-1 Of particular note in this admittedly boring game would be collective IQ of the chaps sitting in St. Andrews Stadium. After having publicly announced that being boo-ed makes him play better, the thick-in-the-head midlanders gave Christiano Ronaldo a wake up call to his dreadful start to the game by starting to boo him midway through the first half. A source that refused to be name told HBN that the earlier mentioned lovely Ms. Karma took a break off from JT and visited them later in the evening.

the 4.51am live update

I somehow find it very much impossible to drag my arse down to the staff canteen to watch the MU vs Coventry game (are they even showing the match on TV?) so I thought I would just check the progress of the match online, before I go for my hibernation sleep until 3pm.

As I am typing this, it is the 86th minute.

I checked the score. 0-2.

I checked the team. 2nd string.

I totally dig Fergie's new strategy. As in, getting rid of the early distractions to our treble target this season. So we can concentrate on the more important stuff y' know.

I just wished the game was at a place other that OT. But hey, that's just a minor detail.

p.s. I wonder if that Mifsud guy can get a hat-trick....

there's something about avram

Never mind that the only opposition manager I actually liked has gone..

Never that Peter Kenyon now has a big pie in his face, to add to the pie that IS his face...

Never mind that the Mighty Champions Manchester "Best Team in the Land" United won again...


There was something that kept bugging me about that Avram Grant bloke since I first saw his face on TV the other day. Never mind that nobody knew who the fuck he was. Never mind that everybody knew that he would be rubbish and is never going to be the one to replace the Special One. Never mind that he called himself "normal" and so the British press (and when I mean the British press, I mean the tabloids) are now calling him The Normal One.

There was just something about Avram........

And I couldn't quite place it until just now when I was going through my DVD collection and chanced upon The Godfather box set that it hit me:



That's right! But unlike Luca Brasi in the movie, this one looks dumb and thick. I would have paid good money to have watched Jose's post match interview after all the "dodgy" refereeing decisions. But Avram was just........boring.

Still, if the movie is any indication of how things are going to end up, we would have some fun soon.

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes..

*footnote: If you have never ever watched The Godfather, please poke yourself in the eye. Kthxbai.