Rafa Signs Cuddly Player

Thanks a lot, FIFA!

PS: I wonder if Masherano can actually get more games at Liveprool, with so many midfielders comign back from injury now...

"We want our money back"

... Or so West Ham fans chanted.

Me? I want my sleep back. fucking first half nearly put me to sleep. No goals. EVERY GAME should have goals, at least TWO of them, in EACH half ok? ESPECIALLY when it's being played at fucking 3:30am in the morning!!!

Oh well, at least we won. Thanks to Crouch, no less. Gah. At this rate we'll NEVER get rid of him.

PS: It's a bit quiet in here eh? Watudu, nothing happening, and I too damn busy to blog.

BTW, anyone interested in Futsal on mondays? My regular group is looking to bolster the attendence a little....

no shame in defeat

Chins up, lads...you did good..

You know, it's actually okay to lose.

As long as you go down fighting, as long as you chase everybody ball till your lungs scream for air...I don't care if we lose. We did alright, we fought for every ball...and that is what's important.

Maybe we weren't good enough. Maybe we were just unlucky. Maybe we just need to wait a little longer. Maybe we just need to support our team more. Maybe...just MAYBE this time, we can hope for the future..

---

Commentary team for tonight's game has got to be the WORSE commentary I have EVER heard - and this includes the great Hasbullah Awang and Shebby Singh for a hockey game. That Sasikumar bloke is the shittiest and most biased pundit I have ever heard since I was in England (Ian Wright wins hands down). Note to ESPN - tell that fucker that he shouldn't keep going WE this WE that. Hello, you think only Singaporeans watch the game ar?

All that said, I would like to know if any Singaporean is pleased winning (or even winning the whole tournament) when FOUR of their first team players are foreigners "Singaporeans".

Any Last Minute Advice to Encik Norizan...?

Alright, here in Hantubola we pride ourselves as true blue football fans. We watch our adopted English team play week in week out, we play futsal like 4 times a year, we spend hours of our time playing Championship Manager or FIFA 2006 or PES, we read every single page of FourFourTwo (including the pr0n ads), we watch Football Crazy to gawk at Jamie keep up with the latest news, etc.

So, at least we can say we know our football. And we have lots we want to tell our national team.

If you're been hiding under the rock for the past month, tomorrow night's the final leg of the first semi-finals for the AFF Cup, between Bolehland and Kiasuland, Malaysia (w00t! w00t!) and Singapore (boo! hiss!).

So this is what i propose. Here's your chance to tell our head coach what you think. Whether or not En. Norizan Bakar (or anyone outside the usual gang of Hantus, for that matter) reads it or not is irrelevant. If it's on your chest, say it.

Let me start off a few, after watching the first leg.


DEAR ENCIK NORIZAN, you're doing a good job, however...

1. Tell Hairuddin Omar to stop diving and try to score a bleeding goal if he gets a chance.

2. That 100% Singaporean citizen (from Tampenis) Precious bin Abdullah is super aggro if he gets frustrated. Tell your winger to work him, then...

3. Dude, one day you got to tell Hairi Jaafar that with that 'tache and hairdo, he looks like a Hongkie hamsup lo.

4. (as mentioned by Vincent) dun sub your best players la...

5. Don't stall if you get an early lead. It ain't gonna hold if you do that.

6. ...

Now you guys try.

THIEVES!!

What ESPN thinks we are interested in..

Anybody watched Sportscenter just now??

Who we are really interested in..

Anyway, even the nice blokes at ESPN SportsCenter decided to join in the fun in this Manyoo v Al-Liverpoo bashing session. They brought up the topic of "You'll Never Walk Alone" which the scum seem to like using as a phrase and as a song.

So, let's indulge in a little history lesson, courtesy of ESPN, no less.

Road sign spotted somewhere in the Merseyside area
Cannot really be confirmed because vandals stole the post holding it up

Apparently, that song was written by Rodgers and Hammerstein for their Broadway smash hit "Carousel" in 1945. Some twenty years or so down the road, in 1963, not content with living in a dump and stealing hubcaps, a Liverpool band called Gerry and the Pacemakers stole came up with their own version of the song and it went top of the British Charts. Less than 6 weeks later, the Al-Liverpoo fans (although back then they were simply known as Liverpool fans) stole adopted that song and started singing it on the terraces of the dump.

Here we see Gerry at his old job - the Pacemakers are prolly in jail already

Since then, the Scum and the Bhoys have been fighting over whose song it is and who started singing it first. This is where I am as fair as The Great One aka Jose Mourinho in saying that I do not deny that these two (crappy) clubs have pretty much made this song their own. There is no doubt that that song is synonymous with both clubs. But the issue here is, "which GREAT club started singing it on the terraces first?"

You'll Never Walk Alone

Yes, folks. You read that right. According to those smart blokes at ESPN, and after some intensive research, apparently that song was FIRST sung in a football stadium at Old Trafford after the Munich Air Disaster in 1958, a good 5 years or so before those damn hubcap stealers stole it as their own.

STOP STEALING THINGS, YOU BLOODY THIEVES!

STOP! Give me your leopard print undies!

Football Research

Well well....just to prove that there is no animosity between Manure fans and fans of other clubs, lets have a bit of fun by voting your way through the two polls below so we can help Din with his thesis. After all, what is a thesis without a proper research :

p/s: Remember to scroll through your available choices (by placing your cursor on the small arrow on the right in the poll box..coz ppl like Naz are so blur)







At least we can help Din strengthen his "thesis" (or maybe..NOT). LOL.

Polls will open for ONE WEEK only. Be nice *winks*

Football Thesis

The Most Hated Club in The World -

Liverpool, Actually.


Abstract

Detective Din has probably uncovered a conspiracy theory within the world of English football fans.

Introduction

Many people say Manchester United are the most hated club on the planet. Unsurprisingly, it is the Liversuckers (a term for people unfortunate enough to be supporting a scum team) who have been spewing such shit all these years, and infected supporters of other teams such as Arsenal, Chelsea, Newcastle United, etc to go against the great Manchester United. The following quality research in the thesis will shed light on the truth.

Literature Review

Detective Din has researched one web portal to support his briiliant deduction.

Methodology

In order to prove that Al-Liverpoo (a fancy new name to be launched after a DIC blowjob takeover) are in fact supposed to be the most hated club on earth, we have to ask why Manchester United is considered by scumbags as the most hated club on earth first. A theory which comes to mind is that a team which has won many honours is supposed to be the most hated club on earth. If this theory is to be held true, then in fact it is supposed to be Al-Liverpoo who have garnered 58 titles in comparison with Manchester United who have 50 titles. In fact, most kiddie scousers would be able to type up such a reminder after every game Al-Liverpoo loses to some other team.

Another theory is that many scousers are jealous with Manchester United's superb style of play, compared with the drab kind of football played by Al-Liverpoo over the years. However true this is, unfortunately, there is no quantifiable measurement to prove this true.

However, knowing that the Al-Liverpoo have won the most number of titles are are supposed to be the most hated, the Liversuckers attempted to deflect the hatred to Manchester United who have just a bit fewer titles. As flattering as it may be to be recognized as the most hated team on earth because we won so many titles, we humbly also have to point out we do not deserve such an award.

Liversuckers then became smart. Knowing they can't stand the pressure of being the most hated fans on earth, they developed a strategy to avert all attention back to Manchester United. How did they do it? Simple, they formed an obscurely named coalition, called ABU.

Liversuckers just got crates of Carlsberg, got rival fans drunk, and brainwashed them to join the coalition. As a result, many of them oppose the great Manchester United as ABU fans, and not as Arsenal fans, Newcastle fans, etc. How sad indeed.

Results

To prove that Al-Liverpoo should be the most hated team, Detective Din conducted a sample survey, n=1.

Detective Din: Which is the Most Hated Club on earth?

Random Liversucker: Manchester United!

Detective Din: Why?

Random Liversucker: Because they won so many titles! That't why!

Detective Din: Are you aware Al-Liverpoo won more titles than the great Manchester United?

Random Liversucker: Err...yesss....

Detective Din: Then according to your logic (if any), aren't Al-Liverpoo supposed to be the most hated club on earth?

Random Liversucker: Yes.

Detective Din: Then what are you going to do now?

Random Liversucker: Err...I think I'll go and burn my jersey collection now.

Detective Din: Good boy.

Discussion

As a result, it is hoped this football thesis will be published in as many websites as possible to shed the truth.

Conclusion

ABU will be disbanded, and as it's name suggests, will become no more than a pile of ash.

Ex-members of ABU will go back to becoming Arsenal fans, Newcastle fans, etc, who oppose Manchester United because of a passion for their own club, instead of drunk nutcases under ABU who direct hatred to Manchester United which was just a propoganda of the Liversuckers.

Manchester United will not just continue being the neutral's choice to win the league title this year, they will also become the favourites.

Appendix

Comment rater-theory has been introduced for this Football Thesis post.

A - A good, smart comment. A rare example of a thinking footbal fan who knows why Manchester United are the best team in the world.

B - Not good enough. To type in more reasons why Manchester United is the best team ever.

C - Very bad. Needs to learn more great stuff about Manchester United.

D - Failed. To undergo rehabilitation at kindergarden.

malaysia vs singaporean world selection XI

Let's start by not kidding ourselves. Honestly, this blog has seen enough of people kidding themselves in the last few days. For instance, people telling themselves that Liverpool are going to win the league.

Nelson doesn't buy any of that Al-Liverpoo propaganda

So, yeah...we did play well. We dominated the game, but we didn't have the results to show for it. And please don't tell me that was a great goal because if it gets any bigger a fluke, Hairi Jaafar can start selling cigarettes to compensate for his (probably) shitty pay check.

Hardi Jaafar's favourite fags - which prolly explains the lack of steam at the end

Never mind that SingaporeWorld Selection XI did jack shite, that result was just as sickening as the FA Robbery Cup Final of 2005. Probably the most exciting aspect of the whole game was a bet I made with myself in trying to anticipate when the World Selection XI's captain would finally break down in tears and actually start crying.

All Aide Iskandar needs is a hat as cool as that and he is sorted..

This officially makes him the WORSE captain I have ever seen (even worse than my school team) , since he was the WORST defender on the pitch and his crying did wonders for team motivation. I hate to say it, but Shebby was actually right when he said it was a blessing in disguise that the fella got a red card - because I would have loved to have seen him start the next game.

It would be interesting to note that their best performers on the pitch were ALL foreigners. You would think that any country that relies so heavily on foreign athletes to do the job for them would try to change that, but you are in fact very very far from the truth. The fans want to worship foreigners "foreign talent" wearing their national colours and the government is doing all it can to help them.

Awesome.

But surely they would filter out the players that they DO accept into the national team? For fucks sakes, a guy called Precious only brings ONE thought into the minds of the opponent...

Precious wonders why the fuck we subbed out our 2 best players..

Scousers Mudah Lupa

It would seem that a great majority of the scumbags claiming to support Al-Liverpool have memory disorder; as they can't remember anything that happened more than 3 days ago.

But never fear! Din, like many Manchester United fans, remembers a few important facts of life.

League Results
September 17th 2006
Chelsea 1, Liverpool Telur Ayam

October 22nd 2006
Manchester United 2, Liverpool Telur Ayam (and got roasted)

November 12th 2006
Arsenal 3, Liverpool Telur Ayam


FA Cup
January 6th 2007
Liverpool 1, Arsenal Kiddies Team 3


Carling Cup
January 9th 2007
Liverpool 3, Arsenal Reserves Team 6

For comparison purposes...

League Results
January 21st 2007
Arsenal 2, Manchester United 1

Yeah, given the way we played at Arsenal, it was a shock to concede 2 late goals. But an even more perplexing mystery is to see the same scouse goons cheer on the clueless gunners who beaten us through a sucker punch of a goal. The same scouse goons who got knocked out of two cup competitions within 3 days early this month by the gooners playing with kids who were wearing diapers. The same scouse goons who were layered with painful shoves up the arse (pun intended) at their own Anfield. The same scouse goons who are just third in the league.

But the mystery was solved because of the age-old fact about the scousers.

Scousers mudah lupa.

Well, Manc fans tak lupa. We still thank you Scum for keeping Chelski at bay by actually beating them, for once. Arigato Gozaimas. :D

Six points clear of Chelski and double figure points ahead of everyone else is a really nice feeling.

p.s. Oh by the way, as Naz nicely put it, it was an Arsenal defeat in September which jumpstarted our fantastic form soon after, and it will take another Arsenal defeat in January to restart our fantastic form all the way to the Premier League Trophy. Arigato Gozaimas :D to Arsenal too.

Wes Craven Cottage Pie: Talking 'Bout Fulham...

Lest some people accuse of talking only of Manure / Hubcap Stealers / Arse Anals / Comedy Toon Club / Kiasuland / Bolehland, let's talk about another Prem team.

Has anyone noticed that FFC in recent years has been famous for one thing - losing their best players for one reason or another? For a Prem team surviving relegation season after season they should be doing something about this trend...

Louis Saha - to Men.United



Edwin van der Sar to Men.United



Luis Boa Morte to West Ham United



Steed Malbranque to some scum team...

which probably mean it won't be long before they lose Papa Bouba Diop or Collins John...

Anyway, back to the Muahahahaha week..

Just Boleh It!

Anyone gonna be at the game?

Thank you, fank you, spank you Gooners

(Copied and pasted from eyeris' and Naz's and S-Kay's and Simon's post)

"Dei Macha, you better go and settle that fecking Men.United or I'll send Robbie to steal your hubcab"

"Releks brader, donch worry. I kao tim for you."

"Btw, nice boner you got there, Guv"

Rafa: "He thinks Liverpool roots for Men.United? Bloody barmy old git. Chait. Got Alzheimers ke?

Whinger: 'I didn't see that. The bloody cheek. I'll have a word with my boys and see what we can do."

"Fock this. Fock you lot. Fock ABU supporters. Fock Hantubola. Fock the Gooners. Fock Adebayor. Fock Van Pussie. Fock Henry. Fock Whinger. Fock Steve Bennet.
Fock fock fock fockity fock. And fock Liverpool too. Why they dowan to fwen me? Niamah. "

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

breathe gasp breathe gasp breath.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Eh who said sucker punch.... Your goals good mah. Not like that lame head from Rottweiler.

Spank! Spank! Spank! Bad Boy!

(Copied and pasted from eyeris' and Naz's and S-Kay's post)

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

breathe gasp breathe gasp breath.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Eh who said sucker punch.... Good goals mah. Waste time some more la...

We Spanked the Men.United, Scousers!

(Copied and pasted from eyeris' post)

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

breathe breathe.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oklah, we didn't spank them... It was more a sucker punch! Hahahahhaa!!

Padan Muka

Lesson of the day:

Time Wasting Activities Will Not Help You Win Matches.

Thanks to Manchester United States' chickenshit time wasting activities, Steve Fooking Bennet added 4 minutes to the game. Just enough time for Henry use his head and score the winner.

Waste time some more lah.

Arsenal 2 : Manure 1 (I wish I could make this font bigger)

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. ABU! ABU! ABU! ABU!

Spank the Men.United, Gooners!

(Pictures taken from Soccernet.com)


MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

breathe breathe.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Now all we need is the Men.United to get a right spanking at the hands of the Gooners, and it'll be a perfect weekend.

The things people do nowadays....

Ladies and Gentlemen,


When is a toilet seat, not a toilet seat?

When it is considered as evidence.

When is a footballer, not a footballer?

When he is a criminal.

Trying to emulate the owner's habit eh? What a dumbass. Didn't the Chelski people insert in a disclaimer to Portsmouth went they offered this guy on loan? Kesian Pompey.

Don't try this in your local supermarket kids.

ABU Football Club

ABU is a club of football supporters.

ABU probably has the LARGEST group of supporters around the world, contrary to what a certain club may say.

ABU supporters wear different colours, but are united in one sense, and will not sway unless they are bandwagonists, in which case they do not deserve to be members of ABU.

ABU supporters hate evil, and anything associated with the devil.

ABU supporters also hate anything to do with these names: Fergit, Doi Doi, Neverwill and other assorted men.united.

ABU supporters would rather see a Ruble-funded rich man's club managed by an arrogant bastard win the league title than a certain club who'se manager seems to be under the illusion that just because they don't have as much money as that blue club, other fans will automatically support them.

Dream on, Fergit. Most of us still support ABU.

Yes, even Chelski.

Best. Quote. Ever.

Found this gem online.

Ferguson is slowly getting used to the idea that United are the neutrals' favourites to lift the title this term, claiming even Liverpool fans are telling him "I hope you win the league".

So, my dearest Liverpool readers of this blog, when are you guys going to tell me the same thing? Hmmmm? ;-)

PHEW

phew

I just thought of a very interesting proposition. Let's say, a fairy godmother came up to anyone of us and said, "Look, I don't quite like your team (insert club name here - manyoo, chelski, arse, etc..) and I want to relegate them. But since you are a nice bloke, I'll strike a deal with you. I'll let Malaysia win the World Cup. Deal?"

I think it save to say that each and everyone of us, no matter how hardcore we are towards those clubs, would gladly agree to that deal. Because heck, it's the freaking World Cup, innit? But what if she offered the Tiger Cup (now a not-so-cool named ASEAN Football Championship Cup) instead? Show of hands, how many of you would take the offer?

You had better, because if our performance tonight is any indication of the direction of football around these parts, then we will soon find ourselves struggling to qualify for the semis in the coming years. I'll be honest and say I totally didn't know when this championship kicked off until I read the papers a few days ago about our 4-0 whipping of the Philipines. And then, I totally forgot about the game against Myanmar. So today, I made it a point to sit down and watch the game against Thailand.

The first half was okay. We were getting outplayed, but at least we did try to play football. The referee may be a twat (he really is) and Kiatisuk Senamuang (I didn't know he still existed) reminded me why I used to worship him, but at least we TRIED to get something out of the game. The second half was totally horrible though. Besides the players on both sides being super pansies by lying on the ground a good two minutes everytime they were fouled, the game was totally void of any entertainment. We did jack shite in the second half, only managing one (scruffy) shot on target. The Thais were equally bad lacking the final ball after a nice build up.

But the important thing is that we are through to the semis, thanks to the Philipinos. Our team needs you. You can't complain about the crappy standard of the team if you do not support them in the first place.

COME ON MALAYSIA!


sidenote: the new jerseys are freaking ugly

Satisfaction

Thirteen first team members injured.

We’re visiting London, where we always lose.

Steve Fooking Bennet, that useless incompetent git, is the referee.

The bookies and pundeks predict a 20% chance of Newcastle winning.

Man, it doesn’t get bleaker than this. I actually would not mind losing this one, as it seemed a foregone conclusion. Tottenham fans were already licking their chops anticipating an easy three points. Thus, I sat passively, resigned to the inevitable, as I watched wave after wave of Tottenham attacks on Seamus Given’s helpless goal.

I did not even sigh when Defoe scored from an offside position. I just shrugged. Oh well, it had to happen sooner or later.

Ninety seconds later, our Huntington kiddo equalised for us. This one made me jump up and whoop. Our young leftbacks can’t stop scoring. The eternal optimist in me whispered, “Maybe, we could hang on for a draw.”

I would have been really pleased with a draw, and I guess most of the players and fans were thinking the same thing. That was until Wigan’s ugly turncoat, Pascal Chimbonda turned things around for us.

He bitch slapped Butt’s cheek.

Mahai.

That is not allowed. No one slaps our Butt. Monkeys maybe. But not our Butt.

The Butt slapping coupled with Berbatov’s pathetic pissing dog impressions every time Given tries to kick the ball pissed off Magpies around the world.

You wouldn’t want that. We really, really want to win now.

Fuckers.

Tottenham fans really outdid themselves when the second half resumed. They booed Given. Who boos Given? Come on. Tottenham fans are such uncultured losers. Now I know why Arsenal fans, given a choice, would rather shag their grannies than Tottenham scum.

When Berbatov scored from a miss hit kick, I found clumps of hair in my hands. 2 - 1 to the scum. Niamahfucktiuniasengkaninabuchowcheebslanchow!

Ah, but things are about to change. *Scorpions – Winds of Change*

One moment of magic from Oba, had me jumping like a lunatic and whirling my panties around. What a rocket of a goal! 2 - 2.

I have a lot of respect for Butt. He took Chimbonda’s abuse like a man. He shoved back. Lesser men and little girls like Christina, A. Robber or R. Savage would have gone down like a sack of potatoes. I was, thus, really chuffed for Butt when he scored the winning goal. Butt Clenches Victory. Toon Butts Spurs Aside. Slapped Butt Scores. 2 - 3.

Fucking poetic justice indeed.

Moving on. I can’t help but recall the fact that Michael James Owen (aka Mr Lily Liverbird) broke his fifth metabeckswhatsit bone when Paul Robinson ran into him like a freight train during a corresponding fixture exactly one year ago. This left him out for months leading to the World Cup. Despite his lack of match fitness, Horny Sven opted to play him, and the rest is history.

With Owen on extended medical leave, we are deprived of our most potent lead striker. Thus, it would be fair to state that a significant portion of our troubles this season originate from White Hart Lane. In a way, the six points they lost to us this season is just compensation. So what does doing the double over Tottenham mean to us Geordies? Retribution. Justice. Pure satisfaction.

It is nights like this that remind me why I am proud to be part of the Toon Army. We may not win the league this season, nor any major silverware in the foreseeable future - but we get to experience the ups and downs of the most ‘entertainingest’ football club in the world. None of that boring winning-all-the-time bollocks.

As they say, there is never a dull moment when you are a Geordie hoolie.

How true.

(Bring on the abuse)

Los Angeles Galaxy Sucker Club

Let's count the numbers:

1 player,
2 tricks,
31-years-old
5-year contract worth...
128 MILLION pounds

Major League Suckers.

Footy Futsal Thursday Night

The Hantubola kickabout is back on!

Date: January 11, 2007 (Thursday night)
Time: 7pm to 8pm
Venue: Footy Futsal, Taman Megah

Orgy-nised by 9. Come in numbers and let off some steam!
(Come on Liverpool fans! Show Rafa's team how it's supposed to be done!)

Suckers for Embarrassment

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKERS?

What, sucker for punishment is it? Losing 3-1 last week not enough is it? Have to give them six more????

We're now 12-4, fucking 12-4 against them!

TWELVE FUCKING FOUR!!!

COUNT THAT!!!!

For fucks sake, time to get rid of Hyypia and Dudek, they can't keep up anymore.

(Fowler can stay.)

FUCK FUCKITY FUCKER FUCKS FUCKING FUDGE SHITE SHIT SHITTY GODDAMN CIBAI TIUNIASENG KNN MACAUHAI PUKIMAK BARBARA STREISAND KELLY CLARKSON DOG SHIT TACO!

The Obligatory "Spark-some-form-of-discussion" Post

Its a bit quiet in here isn't it?

Since that's the case, I thought of just sharing this with you guys...

My division had a meeting last week, which was chaired by the Head of Division himself. The subject matter was our targets for 2007 and how we are slightly behind at the moment.

Thing is, Mr. HOD is a BIG BIG Liverpool fan, and his office is adorned with various Liverpool memoribilla, and his mood has a direct corellation with the Poo's performance. (His mood has been up this past few months. Thanks Stevie G!)

Anyway, back to the meeting. As an "ice breaker", Mr. HOD drew the EPL table top 3 (conveniently ommitting the Gunners) and spoke at length about how they are in 3rd place and with some cathing up to do, yadda yadda yadda. Basically, he was using Liverpool as an analogy of the division's current state (ugh!).

"Its only 6 points" he says.
"Take it one game at a time" he says.
"It only takes 3 games to overtake Chelsea" he says.
"We need to work one day at a time and focus on the immediate goal" he says.
"Starting with the FA Cup this Saturday" he says.

HAH!

If we keep performing like Liverpool, I think there's a very slim chance of a good bonus this year... :P

(Sorry la guys.... I can't possibly do the Tigerjoe victory dance in front of my boss, so this is my only outlet.)

Sell Them! Please!

Ah, January, the smell of exhaust fumes from the traffic jams and rotting garbage from last week’s flash floods…

Not to mention the smell of money exchanging hands during the obscenely lucrative January transfer window.

Everyone has heard all the rumours about the players most likely to be bought and sold. You know, like Chelsea looking for a defender, Man U looking for another backup striker, Watford looking for an entirely new squad, Martin Jol looking to get a life…

But have you heard of the Please-Sell-Them-Off players? You know, like from last season – Traore and Cygan.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Jeremie Aliadere

What’s the story: Whiny striker sub complains he gets no first team action. Gee, when he can’t score a goal to save his life, and not to mention with Henry, van Persie and Adebayor ahead of him, I wonder why?
Warning notice: May accidentally break his leg after 20 minutes on the pitch, or in training.
Expected price: Cheap, cheap la. Less than 1 million also can la.

Shaun Wright-Phillips
What’s the story: Comes in original packaging, hardly used, almost brand new. Some assembly required.
Warning notice: Final product may look smaller than picture shown on cover.
Expected price: No less than 30million. Negotiable, if you have a central defender to trade for.

Michael Owen
What’s the story: You know the story.
Warning notice: Extremely fragile. Do not stress left or right leg. May not remember how to play football.
Expected price: However much Newcastle paid for him, plus medical expenses, plus interest.

Andy Cole
What’s the story: Vice President of the “OMG Is He Still Playing” Club. President is one Teddy Sheringham. The last time he scored, Margaret Thatcher was still in office.
Warning notice: Comes with trademark pissed off look.
Expected price: 500k, if you agree to pay for his Imedeen and Maalox.

Alexander Song
What’s the story: Possibly the worst player on the Gunner payroll. Ever. Considering they had Percy Groves once, that’s quite an achievement. Plays like he’d rather be at home watching BSkyB.
Warning notice: Also holds another sterling record – Dopiest Hairstyle in the Premiership.
Expected price: They’ll pay you good money for you to take him. No, really.

Entire Charlton squad
What’s the story: Buy now! Cheap sale, before they disappear (into the Championship)! Special offer, buy Marcus Bent get Darren Bent! For other players, buy 2 get 1 free (terms and condition apply).
Warning notice: Buying Alan Pardew may get YOUR team relegated.
Expected price: Please enquire with at the Valley. Office hours only.

Snippets of Man Utd's Balance Sheet

Foreword: I have to admit in yesterday's 2-2 draw between Newcattle United and Manchester United, we were lucky to even get that one point. Heck, Newcattle should have won it. Too bad the Toons were just not good enough.

Lord Ghostball launches an inquiry on Man Utd's performance yesterday, seeing a hopeless first half hour display from the Red Devils. Agent Din Double O' Lemon Tea probes Man Utd's current state of affairs and find out a few things.....

Snippets of Man Utd's Balance Sheet (as of 02/01/2007)

Plant Assets
R. Giggs
G. Neville
P. Scholes

Current Assets
C. Ronaldo
N. Vidic
R. Ferdinand
P. Evra
M. Carrick
O.G. Solskjaer
J.S. Park

Intangible Assets
W. Rooney

Inventories
A. Smith
G. Rossi
G. Heinze
K. Richardson
W. Brown

Long-term Liabilities
D. Fletcher
J. O' Shea
M. Silvestre

Current Liabilities
L. Saha

Short-term Loan
H. Larsson

Prepaid Expenses
49 Goals Scored

Accounts Receivable
15 Goals Against

Marketable Securities
54 Points

With all the investigative work I 've done, inspired to do it after seeing the first half hour seeing Newcattle playing like Man Utd and Man Utd playing like shite
(what were they thinking when they were doing all those aeriel passing? Can't you lot have done your trademark ground passing?), I have concluded that Man Utd lacked finishing power. In this respect, I think Sir Fergie has done a good job in foreseeing such a thing as the title chase heats up, so he brought in Henrik. I also recommend Rooney to be bloody dropped in the next game, let him have a rest. I rather see Solskjaer on the pitch. And Fergie bloody not be thinking of putting on any Long-term liabilities on the pitch, other wise......

Thus, with that taken care of, this will just be viewed as a little hiccup on the road to the Premiership Trophy at the end of the season.

Oh, and Chelsea players are all a bunch of sheep. Just missing a sheepdog who is out with a back injury.

Happy New Year from Jamie Yeo

Hmmm... Jamie's got something on her chest oops, mind.

Oer. She's rack-ing (geddit?) that pretty little head of hers trying to remember what it is.

Mahai! She's got it! Here's her message:

HAPPY NEW YEAR HANTUBOLAgers!!!

PS: If Liverpool wins the league, I will flash eyeris my boobs.

My First Wish of the New Year

Yo Rafa,

Tell your team to go kick some Fat Bolton Arse tonight.

Why? Because I fucking hate Bolton. And Blackburn.

But not as much as I hate the Men.United. Lose your form already, Doi Doi.

Kthxbai.

oh, and Happy New Year!