Sell Them! Please!

Ah, January, the smell of exhaust fumes from the traffic jams and rotting garbage from last week’s flash floods…

Not to mention the smell of money exchanging hands during the obscenely lucrative January transfer window.

Everyone has heard all the rumours about the players most likely to be bought and sold. You know, like Chelsea looking for a defender, Man U looking for another backup striker, Watford looking for an entirely new squad, Martin Jol looking to get a life…

But have you heard of the Please-Sell-Them-Off players? You know, like from last season – Traore and Cygan.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Jeremie Aliadere

What’s the story: Whiny striker sub complains he gets no first team action. Gee, when he can’t score a goal to save his life, and not to mention with Henry, van Persie and Adebayor ahead of him, I wonder why?
Warning notice: May accidentally break his leg after 20 minutes on the pitch, or in training.
Expected price: Cheap, cheap la. Less than 1 million also can la.

Shaun Wright-Phillips
What’s the story: Comes in original packaging, hardly used, almost brand new. Some assembly required.
Warning notice: Final product may look smaller than picture shown on cover.
Expected price: No less than 30million. Negotiable, if you have a central defender to trade for.

Michael Owen
What’s the story: You know the story.
Warning notice: Extremely fragile. Do not stress left or right leg. May not remember how to play football.
Expected price: However much Newcastle paid for him, plus medical expenses, plus interest.

Andy Cole
What’s the story: Vice President of the “OMG Is He Still Playing” Club. President is one Teddy Sheringham. The last time he scored, Margaret Thatcher was still in office.
Warning notice: Comes with trademark pissed off look.
Expected price: 500k, if you agree to pay for his Imedeen and Maalox.

Alexander Song
What’s the story: Possibly the worst player on the Gunner payroll. Ever. Considering they had Percy Groves once, that’s quite an achievement. Plays like he’d rather be at home watching BSkyB.
Warning notice: Also holds another sterling record – Dopiest Hairstyle in the Premiership.
Expected price: They’ll pay you good money for you to take him. No, really.

Entire Charlton squad
What’s the story: Buy now! Cheap sale, before they disappear (into the Championship)! Special offer, buy Marcus Bent get Darren Bent! For other players, buy 2 get 1 free (terms and condition apply).
Warning notice: Buying Alan Pardew may get YOUR team relegated.
Expected price: Please enquire with at the Valley. Office hours only.