how to beat united

How to beat Manchester United in 5 easy steps

by Rafael Benitez

1) If that Ronaldo bloke is showing signs of having a good game, kick him a few times. If he is still showing signs of exposing good ol' Finnan, get the German ruffian with the crooked nose and the Momo bloke to kick him some more. This should all be done in the first 15 minutes.

2) Put a tall bloke in the front. Preferably taller than the United defenders. Keep lumping high balls towards the tall bloke. Guaranteed success. Bully the new Serbian bloke, whatever the fuck his name is and whereever the fuck he came from.

3) Dress Harry like a girl and put him on Gary Neville's wing. Remember to ask Jamie to help him with his hair. If it gets a little too long, ask one of the Spanish pretty boys to help. They have a fair bit of experience in girl's hairstyles. That ought to distract that Neville bloke for a bit.

4) Run like bulls. Steven is good at this. I think he grew up in a farm. I hear when they slaughter chickens, after they cut off the heads, the chickens run around for a bit. That rude striker of theirs is a little lazy, so running around like a bull helps a lot.

5) Influence the mob crowd. Even if it is the 50th minute of the game, and when the ball goes into the crowd, get the crowd to play monkey with the United skipper. They are good at it too. All those years of stealing hubcaps have paid off. Convince a few of them to throw away their half eaten hamburgers too. Maybe the smell would put off the captain.


Bonus tip : Even after it is clear that you have won the game, and a crazy United player gets very badly injured, ask the mob to half-heartedly applaud him as they carry him off. This is to show that we are good sportsmen.