May 30, 2009

Why do I worship thee?

(First written on 26 May 2006. Reproduced in honour of the anniversary of Robbie's final day at Liverpool: 31 May 2007. And to teach some history to the kidz)

You are a bastard

Robert Bernard Fowler was born Robert Ryder. His parents never married but he took on his father’s name in secondary school.

”I had a new identity,’ he says of changing his name. ‘It was like being James Bond!’

You are the Toxteth Terror

‘I risked getting my tyres nicked by going to Robbie Fowler’s home in Liverpool!’
Kevin Keegan

Today, when asked if his mansion is Edwardian, Fowler goes, ‘Lived in, I think”

You are an arse

In a game against Chelsea, everytime he came up to Graeme Le Saux, he started to turn his back and wiggle his arse. He later explains this as retaliating against Le Saux’s repeated, discreet use of a flying elbow. Le Saux responded with: ‘But I’m married!’ To which Fowler replied: ‘So is Elton John, mate.’ Result: Another elbow from Le Saux; Fowler’ took down his shorts and spread his arse in the direction of Le Saux. 2-match ban!

You are a smackhead

The legendary line-sniffing celebration after a penalty against Everton. His defense: A day earlier, ’smackhead’ was daubed, in 10-foot letters, over his mother’s house by Everton fans. Houllier’s attempt at an explanation: ‘He was just pretending to be a cow sniffing grass.’ The FA officials were not impressed and gave a four-match ban.

You are a Working Class Hero

During a UEFA Cup tie: Lifting his shirt to reveal a t-shirt displaying the words ‘Support The 500 Sacked Dockers’. Earning the respect of the working class but fined £900 by the UEFA

You are honest

In a game against Arsenal, Fowler pleaded with the referee not to give him a penalty cause he insisted Seaman didn’t foul him. His plea was ignored so he gave Seaman a weak penalty which was easily saved. Received a commendation from FIFA for his honestly.

On his relationship with Houllier: :It is clear that meself and Gerard never got on, but I don’t think I’ve mullered him. I’ve just been honest about the way he treated me and I treated him.’

Houllier: You see that, me lad, that’s the door, now off you go to Leeds.

Fowler: Fuck you too Frog. I shall come back once you and Pinnochio sod off. Just you wait and see.

You are proof that Scousers are not stupid

Fowler is the richest sportsman living in Britain. His estimated fortune is £28 million accumulated from football and his ownership of close to 100 properties. He also has interest in horse racing through the Macca & Growler Partnership with McManaman and owns a string of horses

(Yellow Submarine, Beatles):
We all live in a Robbie Fowler’s house,
Robbie Fowler’s House,
Robbie Fowler’s House.

You are not a wanker

“Nothing had changed in my routine, except that when I went down the chippy and got me special fried rice, it would be wrapped in a newspaper that had my picture all over it.”

‘When you come from a council estate in Liverpool, how you come across is important,’ he says, speaking for himself but also McManaman. ‘You don’t want to be seen as a biff: some busy bollocks like Gary Neville, or someone who has sold their soul like Beckham. The mates we’ve got, if either of us gives it the big bollocks, then they’d destroy us. Steve’s like me, he’s got mates from when he was a kid who knew him when he was two-foot nothing and had holes in his kecks. He’d be mortified if they thought he was getting above himself, or playing the big star, and I feel exactly the same way”

You were a bad lad

Favourite pick-up line: You like jewels? You should suck my dick. It’s a gem.

The Kop Idol cut up a pair of Neil Ruddock’s £300 Gucci shoes after being told that the hard man had urinated in his shoes. Ruddock retaliated by punching Fowler’s nose in a crowded airport. Steve Harkness was later revealed to be the peeing prankster.

Euro 96 in England: Bob Wilson and Jack Charlton were broadcasting one night at 10.30pm from Burnham Beeches, so Gazza and Robbie sneaked out and danced around behind them in their dressing gowns. It was all captured live.

Days after joining Leeds: Got arrested when a photographer attempted to take pictures of the drunken, sleeping Fowler clad in military uniform and holding a replica gun during a Christmas party.

His Spice Boy’s days: Shagged a manager’s girlfriend in a toilet. Can’t remember which manager though. Anyone?

You have supernatural precision

" There is someone in the Liverpool team who wanks 2 hours before a match and head out to score 5 goals."

On his home debut – single-handedly scored 5-0 League Cup win over Fulham in 1993. “After the Fulham game, I went round the chippy with me mates and got a big kiss from me mum when I got home!”

Fastest hattrick in the premiership against Arsenal in 4 minutes 32 seconds in 1994.

You are loyal to boot

On May 25 last year, Robbie Fowler travelled to Istanbul to watch the European Cup final. ‘I was like every other Liverpool fan that night. I was over me head.’

In January this year, he walked out of Manchester City to return to his spiritual home, for a huge pay cut, the promise of a contract till the end of the season, and a seat on the bench if he’s lucky.

Looks like Fowler is staying. Good on you Rafa.

Welcome home GOD. Eventhough you’re now just a Blobber Bobbie, I’m keeping the faith. If things don’t work out, you can always buy another house:)

Pictures googled and yahoosearched. Content mostly from memory, the net and his autobiography, which all Liverpool fans should read, btw.

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