Steven George Gerrard (MBE) : Inaugural Speech

Prime Minister Blair, President George WW3 Bush, Mr Jilat, Mr Hickey, Mr David Moores, Mr Rick Parry, Senor Rafael Benitez, Mr Shabby Poondeque, my fellow Scousers,

We observe today, not a victory over Men.United, but a celebration of survival – symbolising an end, as well as a beginning – signifying renewal as well as change. For I have sworn before you, and the Great Almighty GOD Robbie Fowler the same solemn oath as Bill Shankly before me.

“I’m only in the game for the love of football – And I want to bring back happiness to the people of Liverpool”

The world is very different today. For a club with money holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish smaller clubs and stupid richer pratts. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs has not bode well for some with more money than us. I have come to the conclusion that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the United States nor Russia, but from our glorious history.

We must not forget today we are heirs to the club with the greatest history.

Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Scousers—born in this century, untempered by Ferguson's temper, disciplined by a cold and bitter weather , proud of our heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those pratts who keeps taunting the values which we have always been committed to, and to which we are committed today at home and away.

Let every club know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of Liverpool.

This much we pledge – and more.

Let us not forget our core values.

Let us steal more hubcabs!

(Crowd roars)

Let us steal more anthems!

(Crowd roars)

Let us steal the title from those above us!

(Crowd roars)

Let us get Michael Owen back! (sowwy Eyeris)

(Crowd: Err..)

Oh, c’mon lads. Michael can sell more t-shirts than Peter. Besides, he and Robbie can have a good natter on the bench.

(Crowd roars)

Last but not least, let us give to the poor.

Let us donate Peter Crouch to Tottenham Hotspurs!

(Crowd: Thunderous roar and deafening foot stamping)

Shabby Poondeque: Yes, John, indeed John, I mean, Steven.

I would also like to pledge a renewed oath to kill our adversaries:
The Men.United, the Chelshite and the Toffee Twats.

(Crowd: Thunderous roar and deafening foot stamping)

Will you join me in this virtuous effort?

(Crowd roars and drinks beers and burps and cheers)

And so my fellow Scousers, ask not what the club can do for you, but what you can do for the club.

My fellow Scousers, ask not what America can do for you, but what we can do to squeeze them dry, what we can steal from them.

Finally, whether you are a Scouser or just members of ABU, I ask of you the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we are willing to give. With the castration and neutering of Men.United our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the club we love, asking Robbie Fowler’s love and Robbie Fowler’s blessings, but knowing that here on earth Shankly's work must truly be our own


(Yeah, in keeping with tradition, I stole this from JFK's speech. So? )