Calls for Bruno Torres To Be Charged

LIVERPOOL: Liverpool star striker Fernando "Bruno" Torres is courting controversy yet again! A couple of years after The Sun pictured him trying to breast-feed his baby daughter, Bruno's parental skills are once again called into question as he tries to teach her Scouse language.

Speaking to the Liverpool official website, Bruno bemused the world by claiming, "For me, Anfield is the best place in England. I hope to be here for a long time and if my daughter speaks English and Scouse, I will be proud."

Rumours that he has been paying Jamie Carragher to conduct tuition classes for her have been circulating since the news broke. This news has upset parents' groups throughout the country who are demanding that the Spaniard be charged with child abuse and neglect.

"This is ridiculous!" raged angry mother, Katie Price, "all around England we are trying to teach children to speak the Queen's English and these foreigners are setting a bad example!" When pointed out that Jamie Carragher was indeed English, Ms. Price stormed away in disbelief.


Just 2 years ago, the effeminate Bruno was caught trying to breast-feed his daughter near the Liverpool docks. His then team mate Xabi Alonso had to tell him that no matter how much they enjoyed playing the role in bed at night, he really couldn't breastfeed. Back then, parents' groups were in disbelief at his stupidity, as they sure are now.


Mr. Alonso has since moved on to bigger things, but at of press time, a replacement has not been found...




Update by the editor:

HBBN has just been informed that Bruno Torres' daughter was born this summer. HBBN would like to categorically state that it has never claimed to be the oracle of truth, unlike a certain local online news portals. HBBN hopes and trusts that you do not take us to be the oracle of truth either.

Sluts to take on Devils

TRUE STORY!! BREAKING NEWS!!

CSKA Relishing Opportunity

Manchester: CSKA Moscow will tonight take on the Mighty Manchester United. They will be fired up after sacking former Spurs boss, One-Day Ramos. CSKA's new coach, LEO SLUTSKI will no doubt be raring to get his slutty claws into Sir Alex's brave warriors.

Ahead of the big game against Chelski this weekend, Manchester United will probably be hoping that SLUTSKI's team will be easy and will be looking to score big time. Of course, with no more pretty boys on the team SLUTSKI's team would probably be overawed by real men.

When questioned about his playing career that ended as a 19 year old, LEO SLUTSKI had this to say, "I got the injury at 19 when I was climbing a tree looking for a neighbour's pussy.

"I ended up as a hero in my village because I saved the pussy. Unfortunately, I also fell out of the tree and injured my knee. It was awful because I had hardly started my career."

We shall hope that there are no pussies around in the game tonight, although we are not so sure about our friends from Liverpool.

lazy journalism

It's not quite a good week for football journalists.

Referring to the article in The Star's football pullout on Friday:

PLAY IT AGAIN, DEVILS


By SHAUN ORANGE

Put the champagne on ice, get the pyrotechnics ready ... and polish that trophy. Man United welcome Arsenal to Old Trafford in what could be the season decider.

IT’S been a long and trying season, and while it might yet be over, Manchester United could put an end to all the conjecture about whether they can retain their Premier League title and win a third straight championship crown tomorrow.

......bla bla bla....long windy nonsense....bla bla bla....

Man United’s defeat to Arsenal in the reverse fixture of the campaign will also not be lost on Ferguson’s side. And they might just view tomorrow’s clash as being the ideal clash to exact a good measure of revenge for that loss and wrap-up the title chase.

But Arsenal, who despite being rank underdogs going into the game, could spring an unlikely surprise. They do have the FA Cup final to look forward – a Wembley date with Everton has been pencilled in – and to suffer more humiliation at Old Trafford is the thing that Wenger would not like to see happen to his squad.

HEY WHAT THE FUCK!? Arsenal are in the FA Cup Final?! Holy crap, when this this happen? How were we not informed?!

Seriously, who the hell is this Shaun Orange bloke and why is he allowed to write football articles? And what is The Star doing buying articles from random sources? And what the hell is the editor doing? Aren't there supposed to be people checking these stuff for accuracy? Look, we don't care about speling mistakes. But we do care when you can publish an article with such a blatantly wrong fact!

Do those blokes at The Star football pullout think they are running a blog?

Finally, HBBN would like to stress that our articles are exceptionally accurate and contain no speculative articles, except maybe Steven Gerrard's fetish for wearing his team mate's leopard print underwears and Reading players into furry fandom.

how British journalism works...

EXCLUSIVE

Tevez: I'll Play For Kop


CARLOS TEVEZ wants to join Manchester United’s fiercest rivals Liverpool.

The news will anger Alex Ferguson, who has always refused to sell his stars to Anfield.

But unless United make the Tevez loan move permanent, they will be powerless as the player is a free agent this summer.

Fergie blocked Gabriel Heinze moving to Liverpool two years ago even though they wanted to sell him.

Liverpool have contacted Tevez’s owner Kia Joorabchian to register their interest and the Argentine is keen on the move.

It will enable Tevez, 25, to continue living in Cheshire where his family are settled. He is not concerned by any animosity the move might cause as he has already stated his desire to stay and feels United do not want him.

Fergie has to decide whether to spend £26m of the £30m he will have available on Tevez but the signs are he will not.

Cristiano Ronaldo has escaped disciplinary action for his strop in the win over rivals City after being substituted by Ferguson.

---

Quotes from Tevez: None
Quotes from Liverpool: None
Quotes from 'sources close to Carlos Tevez': None
Quotes from 'Liverpool insider who refuses to be named': None


HBBN at this point wishes to point out that at least we take more than 5 minutes to churn out an article. Except for the previous article. But you get our point. Appreciate our effort, will ya?

Terrorists strike AGAIN!!

London, 11 April - Just days after the ghastly terrorist attacks in Liverpool that claimed the dignity and subjected the once proud 'oh-i-am-so-great-in-europe' Scousers to a humiliating defeat, the Blue Russian terrorist cell (Chelsea branch) has struck yet again!

This time, striking on home soil, the Blue Russians went about on the offensive and quickly racked up 4 frags against their victims who claim to be from the Bolton area. Unfortunately, these victims had no where near the street smarts of their more illustrious Manchester neighbours, and stood almost no chance.

However, even after the 4 frags, the Blue Russians kept going on the offensive and deployed their suicide bombers. However, as good hired help is hard to come by these days, the same can be said of good mercenaries. Among the mercenaries deployed included an ever sulking Frenchman and a short Brazilian-Portugese nationalised dunce. The Blue Russians were on self destruct mode and the suicide bombers managed to accomplish their mission of detonating 3 bombs, however the only losses were suffered on the Blue Russian side.

That hilarious bumbling will no doubt be cheered with false hope in Liverpool as the Scouse Scum look to retribution for the earlier attack on their base, by trying to draw up comparisons to some mythical fairytale in Istanbul. When pressed for comment, the Scouse supreme leader Rafael was quoted as saying, "This is not false hope. This is real hope. William Wallace did not suffer permanent damage to his groin from the atomic wedgie. We shall have retribution!"

When contacted by HBBN, an intelligent source who refuses to be name, was said to be anticipating another terrorist attack by the Blue Russian cell on Tuesday night, but hopes that this time, they would not deploy their suicide bombers.

Terrorist attack in Liverpool

Liverpool, April 9 - 11 men wearing Blue t-shirts and shorts were reported to have been seen terrorising 11 men in red shirts at Anfield stadium last night, and have been arrested on the charge of terrorism and child abuse. Their mastermind, Mr Guus Hiddink is still at large.

It is believed that this ghastly act was funded by the Russians in trying to impose the power of the Red Army upon the Western world. Ironically, the men carrying out these attacks on behalf of the Russian Red Army (not to be confused with the Liverpool and Manchester affiliations) were dressed in blue.

Police have identified the 11 men involved in the attack late last night:

Mr Petr Cech
Mr Branislav Ivanovic
Mr Ashley Cole
Mr John Terry
Mr Alex
Mr Michael Essien
Mr Michael Ballack
Mr Florent Malouda
Mr Salomon Kalou
Mr Didier Drogba

Earlier reports that former tennis world number 1 and part time supermodel, Ana Ivanovic was one of the chief culprits in this cowardly attack has been ruled out as false, and nothing more than a mere fabrication by online bloggers. The real culprit was identified as Mr Branislav Ivanovic, although nothing much else is known about him at present time. Police are still trying to figure out how such an unknown character managed to cripple a foolproof Zonal Marking system.

Local gangster and playground bully, Steve Gerrard was also reported to have suffered a groin injury after the attacks. Rumours that the injury was caused when one of the terrorists, a big and burly African gave him an atomic wedgie with his leopard print underwear still remain as an unsubstantiated claim.

More reports and reactions to follow....



*idea shameless copied from some bloke on FB

GoldenBalls makes Yanks cream in their pants

U.S.A. : LA Galaxy soccerball quaterback wingman David Beckham last night scored a 70-yard goal against Kansas City Soccerball Club to seal a 3-1 goal points scored result in extra injury minute to send the residents of LA (Tom Cruise included) into estacy.

Mr. Beckham kicked in the ball right in the middle of the empty net from his own half and caused the match commentator to ejaculate in his pants because the ball was kicked directly IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOAL.

It is expected that this wonderfully amazing score goal will spur soccermums throughout the country to push their children to take up this great sport, afterwhich they will realise that it is actually very easy to score an open goal when the keeper is sleeping in the opposition half and the American defenders are too afraid to slide in for a challenge (scared they get sued) and you can afford to let the ball bounce outside the penalty box and roll in.

But still, this is the first time in Soccerball history that such a goal has been kicked in and even the referree went over to Mr Beckham to pat him on the back. This field goal is thought to be the best thing to happen to the Major League Soccer competition since Alexi Lalas' decided to grow his goatee.

NEWS! NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

London: It was a good day in West London as Fulham secured their Premier League status by beating Potty FC who had their minds pre-occupied with the FA Cup final.

However, their neighbourhood pals, Chelski FC spectacularly and shockingly failed to qualify for next year's Community Shield final after drawing with some crappy team from the Manchester area.

News details to come in shortly as HBBN will keep you updated with words of complaints from some random Chelski fans about how the Russian mob failed to buy Steve Bennett in this game.

In other smaller and less important news, the score at Chelski means that the Great Manchester United FC have won the Premier League. Again. And are now only one title short of "knocking Liverpool off their f**king perch"

Liverpoo Unveils New Mascot

Liverpool: Liverpool Stealers Soccer Team have taken the next step forward in a major rebranding exercise in the hope of transforming the soccer club from a pub team into a world force. Coming just hours after their more illustrious rivals Manchester United introduced their new mascot, Liverpoo have followed suit.

Plague by years of stereotype about Liverpool being home to jobless hub-cap stealers and supporters living on dole, the last two seasons have been crucial in their efforts to appear more family oriented and entertain the masses by injecting more of the famous Scouse humour.

The first phase was successfully carried out by hiring new personnel and changing the image of others. The exercise started with the hiring of a defender whose name sounds like part of a nipple and continued last summer with their manager growing a goatee, after sitting on the grass in a zen-like pose during a match. If their objective was to entertain and humour everybody else, it certainly worked, and with even greater effect theses days as we see more of their English vice-captain speaking in a funny language that nobody seems to understand.

This evening, with the unveiling of the new mascot, Liverpool have launched the second phase of their rebranding exercise in which they intend to steal (oh, the irony!) the 'Comedy Club' status from Newcastle United.

Introducing, BORAT, the new mascot for Liverpool Stealers Comedy Soccer Club:


Club officials have refused to disclose the details of the 3rd phase of their comedy rebranding exercise, although HBBN's inside scoop was made to believe that the plan included finishing 6th in the league this year.

Liverpool's Zen master and Jamiethescousewhocantspeakenglishcarragher could not be reached for comments.

Men.United introduces new mascot

PRESS RELEASE

Menchester, 19 February 2008. Men.United today broke tradition by paying the highest accolade to another club. History reveals that Men.United fans have never have anything good to say about another team.

A recent research, however, has surprisingly revealed that most of the fans of Men.United now admire a club which they feel is the greatest threat to the FA Cup.

As such, Men.United today officially introduces its new mascot to please their fans.

Barney and Friends

Gloater, Gloater, Men. United will also now be replaced with a new song which is more apt for their especially close relationship with each other.

I love you,
You love me,
We are a happy family
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too

- Ends -

For more information, please contact Barney's friends at:
hantubola@gmail.com or visit hantubola.blogspot.com

FA Cup SCAM, take two

FA Cup quarter-final draw

Sheff United/Middlesbrough v Cardiff City
Manchester United v Portsmouth
Bristol Rovers v West Brom
Barnsley v Chelsea

LONDON: The great FA Cup scam continued to rear its ugly backside today as Manchester United were drawn against a Premier League side for the 11th consecutive time in the FA Cup quaterfinals. However, Chelsea were drawn against a lower league side for the THIRD time this season. The other two games hold no relevance to anybody and we therefore felt that we should not waste our time writing on it.

When HBBN last broke our story on the FA Cup scam, there were accusation from many that we were "afraid". This time around, we feel that Chelsea should be more afraid as they would be facing a huge purple dinosaur club. And as we correctly predicted in our exclusive article about the FA Cup scam, we think that any team playing Barney & Friends FC should be very, very afraid. HBBN highly anticipates the game.

FA Cup SCAM!!

5th Round FA Cup draw

Bristol Rovers vs Southampton
Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wonderers
Sheffield United vs Middlesborough
Liverpool vs Barnsley
Manchester United vs Arsenal
Preston North End vs Portsmouth
Coventry City vs West Bromich Albion
Chelsea vs Hudersfield

LONDON: The 5th round FA Cup draw was made today. There besides Manchester United vs Arsenal, the other matches are not worth a mention because the draw was most definitely rigged.

The draw sees Manchester United play their 10th straight Premier League opponent in a cup that supposedly features random village teams like Havant and Waterlooville. Despite claims of biased reporting, HBBN in fact did some research (unlike other online news portals) and found that the last time Manchester United played a lower league team was in January 2006. Our superior investigative work also uncovered the fact that Manchester United have played lower league opposition only 7 times in the last TEN seasons, out of which only 2 were at home.

At the same time, Chelsea played 7 HOME games against lower league opposition in the last 3 seasons, while Liverpool were given byes in all their FA Cup matches this season, but still managed to draw against the Townsfolk of Luton and conceeded two goals against a bunch of taxi drivers. HBBN highly anticipates the game against Barney and Friends FC.

HBBN has nothing else to report except complain about the unFAir Cup and wishes all your teams the worst of luck in the coming games.

Boxing Day roundup

MANCHESTER: The best team in the land returned from their away trip to Sunderland top of the table after destroying Captain Keano's spirited side 4-0. This despite old man Giggsy, ugly man Tevez and midget man Evra being rested and starting with the worst possible central midfield pairing of Carrick and Fletcher.

It may have been a great result for the Mancurians, but elsewhere in England, LuckyPool FC churned out a fantastic result in their hard fought win over the future Coca Cola Championship winners Derby County. The Rams are in imperious form, chalking up 1 point in their last game against Power Ranger Toon club, Newcastle and so nearly won another massive point until StevieMe received a magnificent pass from Derby defender James McEverly inside the 6 yard box. Witnesses said Mr McEverly later threw a fit in the box after realising his stupidity.

Elsewhere, in the boring game of hockey, Chelsea were held 4-4 by Aston Villa. Despite the referee mistaking his red-cards for Christmas cards and showing 3 players the door, there was minimal on-field protest. Suspicions that this was due to John Terry not being on the pitch were confirmed as it turned out that he really wasn't on the pitch. Other shocking events at the game include Fat Frank Lampy being carried off injured while the best goalkeeper in the world (konon) and the world's most expensive flop striker (betul) decided to swap their form book just for the heck of it.

In other games, Micheal Owen's team played shite. And lost. Again. Phil Neville showed during this Christmas season that miracles do happen as he scored from 35 yards out in the Blue Scousers' win over Bolton. Totenham Hotshit beat Full of Ham (should be turkey ham) 5-1.

Arsenal's kids could not beat Portsmouth and had to settle for a 0-0 draw. Reports that the children's downbeat performance was due to them staying up till 12 am to wait for Santa to deliver their presents the previos day was unconfirmed as other sources reported their draw was due to the kids' excitement of opening their presents on Boxing Day morning. Other reports that Manuel Almunia gave Jens Lehmann a pacifier was also dismissed as Mad Jens was deemed too old to receive presents.

Devils in CRISIS!

BIRMINGHAM: LA Galaxy's star quarterback David Beckham's former soccer team, Manchester United Soccer Team was plunged into crisis yesterday when they played fellow American team Aston Villa in the English Major Soccer League.

Although ManUSA won 4-1, they have now conceded 2 goals in the last 611 minutes of professional soccer - hardly a commendable statistic for a team aiming to lift the England Cup. With main line back Manja Vidic out, the Devil's backline looked shaky with Spanish rookie Gerard Pique in the middle. It was no wonder that Aston Villa managed to score against them to plunge them further into crisis.

Sir Alex Ferguson, who earlier this week learned that a homeless beggar who punched his testicles in a train station a few weeks ago was jailed 15 months, must still have been sore with the after effects and paired two fat point guards Rooney and Tevez who clearly cannot play together as a attacking tag team. They have been struggling to find their form this season, and any other partnership would have easily bagged 3 goals each on the night.

Aston Villa also did not help their cause when they tried to emulate the Silly Blue Scousers who earlier in the night had two team members sent to the permanent sin bin. Goalkeeper Scott Carson, on a lease from the Rotary Club (Merseyside branch) was sent to the sin bin shortly after England middle field player Nigel Rice Cooker.

United got out of jail today, but may not be so lucky in Tuesday Night Football when they take on the Kiev Dynamos in the European Soccer Cup.

EXCLUSIVE: SHOCKING pictures from the Madjeski!!

READING: For those of you not in the know, Reading played Derby last weekend and won 1-0. Ordinarily, us folks at HBBN wouldn't really give a shit about the game and the result, choosing instead to mock Misses Robinson and Pretty Boy Scouse. However, we feel it our social responsibility to highlight the following disturbing chain of events at the Madjeski Stadium on Sunday.

The mayhem starts with Kevin Doyle lining up a shot (or a header). To be honest, we didn't really give a shit about this game and didn't even bother reading the match report or watching the match highlights.



What we do know is that Kevin Doyle did score and the Rams (or Sheep) were set to lose another game.


Personally, we don't really understand why people even bother to celebrate when they score against Derby County, when even the crisis club, You'll -Never-Win-Again FC managed 6 goals against them. That should really give you an idea of how crap Derby are. Nonetheless, Kevin Doyle scores a goal, wheels away to celebrate and decides he needs a score...


Enter Kingsley the Lion and Stephen 'head-breaker' Hunt. Never mind that kids are watching and cameras are clicking away, the furverts from Reading indulge in a little furry fandom fetish.


In comes Dave Kitson, for reasons unknown, other than to urge Stephen Hunt on. To, er...suck it, we think. What the Lion is doing, we have no idea since we don't get our jollies off that way, but Kevin Doyle seemed to be enjoying himself as was the young Reading fan in the background.


We do, however know that Dave Kitson was later photographed by paparazzi leaving the pitch without his pants.


Regretfully, we are unable to tell you when that happened or how it happened (because we weren't bothered to watch the game, see) but certainly this is the most disturbing news to shock the footballing world since Djibril Cisse told us that Steven Gerrard sometimes wore his leopard print underwear in the Liverpool dressing room.

JT Meets Karma

LONDON: Chelsea continued their march towards to the Coca Cola League Championship yesterday by successfully drawing 0-0 against the mighty Fulham FC. In their relentless march towards world domination, Hantu Bola News (HBN) learnt that Peter Kenyon plans to win the remaining prizes in English football that they have not managed to get their mangy paws on.

Chelski's captain John Terry, was also introduced to a lovely lady Ms. Karma yesterday as he now faces a spell out after getting his cheekbone broken. Earlier this week, the spineless FA refused to ban him even though he tried to steal the referee's red card in last week's game against ManUSA. HBN learnt from an undisclosed source that JT had met the lovely lady a lot in recent weeks after he claimed earlier in the season that ManUSA, then 5 points behind Chelsea, would 'find it hard' to claw their way back into title contention. So hard that it took all of 3 weeks to do.

However, HBN is stuck in a dilemma as we cannot decide if that was funnier than Drogba getting sent off just after coming back from an injury, or that Ukrainian superstar Andriy "can't score against Jerzy Dudek from one yard out" Shevchenko was boo-ed throughout the game.

In other news, the children of the used-to-be-non-issues, Arsenal FC somehow managed to defy logic and win again, beating West Ham United 1-0. Chief kid Fabregas earlier said that he was very scared when a particular French maestro was playing there. A quick poll conducted by HBN found that the fans of the other BIG CLUBS didn't mind if Arsenal won the league this season if their club couldn't win it. All except for one anomaly being the respected football pundit Mr Serbegeth Singh. However, he supports Totenham Hotspurs who aren't a big club - so his opinion in this matter does not count.

Elsewhere, the glorious club of Steven Gerrard FC with a long and distinguised history (which HBN notes can be bought for a predetermined number of greenbacks) has proven HBN Co-editor Vincent correct by the purchase of a certain Spanish quaterback. Despite beating Wigan 0-1, El Torres had a crappy game, missing 3 excellent chances, showing the Scousers that scoring against Derby County and Reading FC does not prove you a great striker. Coincidentally, waltzing past Tal Ben-Hur against Chelsea is nothing to shout about. Steven Gerrard FC needed to be rescued late in the game by a Yogi Bear subsititute which HBN grudgingly acknowledges was a pretty okay goal. Perhaps El Torres needs lessons from Yogi Bear.

Lastly, champions of England, ManUSA fresh from their defeat in the Mickey Mouse Cup dropped all their members of the Mickey Mouse Club and started with real men in the league to beat Birmingham City 0-1 Of particular note in this admittedly boring game would be collective IQ of the chaps sitting in St. Andrews Stadium. After having publicly announced that being boo-ed makes him play better, the thick-in-the-head midlanders gave Christiano Ronaldo a wake up call to his dreadful start to the game by starting to boo him midway through the first half. A source that refused to be name told HBN that the earlier mentioned lovely Ms. Karma took a break off from JT and visited them later in the evening.