Chelski Score One For Entertaining Football

BIRMINGHAM: Russian Footsy Team Chelski scored one for entertaining football yesterday, managing to entertain fans of Fulham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Men.United with their superior goals-not-scored tally last night.

More SMSes of "WHY ARE THERE NO GOALS" were reportedly sent to Chelski fan Tigerjoe, as the plucky Russian team nicked a point via a scoreless draw at home against derby rivals Fullofham, who unlike Chelski, have an actual manager in charge, instead of a puppet.

Like last weekend, Chelski once again won 1-0 on red cards against Fullofham, and Drogba was the one who got off work early this time, having heard the enjoyable laughs Jon Obi Mikel had with Jose Mourinho when they watched Luca Brasi's fucking boring post-match speeches last week.

In the meantime, chants of One-Nil To The United rang out around the St. Andrews Stadium as relegation favorites Men.United rode their luck once again to win 1-0 against superior opposition.

MU Manager George Graham Ferguson was happy with the three points, saying that it was their hardest game of the season so far, ignoring completely the relegation six-pointer last week against charismatic-manager-less Chelski and the fact that his three strikers alone cost more than the entire Birmingham team.

In other news, Arsene's Kid Brigade won 1-0 at West Ham despite the fact that Ceh Fabbagus didn't score as expected; while the Liverpool Rotating Club only managed a 1-0 win against a Wigan side despite playing against Titus Bramble.

At the same time, more goals were scored in one game at Fratton Park than in the entire league combined, as Pottymouth and Reading decided to start playing rugby instead of football.

JT Meets Karma

LONDON: Chelsea continued their march towards to the Coca Cola League Championship yesterday by successfully drawing 0-0 against the mighty Fulham FC. In their relentless march towards world domination, Hantu Bola News (HBN) learnt that Peter Kenyon plans to win the remaining prizes in English football that they have not managed to get their mangy paws on.

Chelski's captain John Terry, was also introduced to a lovely lady Ms. Karma yesterday as he now faces a spell out after getting his cheekbone broken. Earlier this week, the spineless FA refused to ban him even though he tried to steal the referee's red card in last week's game against ManUSA. HBN learnt from an undisclosed source that JT had met the lovely lady a lot in recent weeks after he claimed earlier in the season that ManUSA, then 5 points behind Chelsea, would 'find it hard' to claw their way back into title contention. So hard that it took all of 3 weeks to do.

However, HBN is stuck in a dilemma as we cannot decide if that was funnier than Drogba getting sent off just after coming back from an injury, or that Ukrainian superstar Andriy "can't score against Jerzy Dudek from one yard out" Shevchenko was boo-ed throughout the game.

In other news, the children of the used-to-be-non-issues, Arsenal FC somehow managed to defy logic and win again, beating West Ham United 1-0. Chief kid Fabregas earlier said that he was very scared when a particular French maestro was playing there. A quick poll conducted by HBN found that the fans of the other BIG CLUBS didn't mind if Arsenal won the league this season if their club couldn't win it. All except for one anomaly being the respected football pundit Mr Serbegeth Singh. However, he supports Totenham Hotspurs who aren't a big club - so his opinion in this matter does not count.

Elsewhere, the glorious club of Steven Gerrard FC with a long and distinguised history (which HBN notes can be bought for a predetermined number of greenbacks) has proven HBN Co-editor Vincent correct by the purchase of a certain Spanish quaterback. Despite beating Wigan 0-1, El Torres had a crappy game, missing 3 excellent chances, showing the Scousers that scoring against Derby County and Reading FC does not prove you a great striker. Coincidentally, waltzing past Tal Ben-Hur against Chelsea is nothing to shout about. Steven Gerrard FC needed to be rescued late in the game by a Yogi Bear subsititute which HBN grudgingly acknowledges was a pretty okay goal. Perhaps El Torres needs lessons from Yogi Bear.

Lastly, champions of England, ManUSA fresh from their defeat in the Mickey Mouse Cup dropped all their members of the Mickey Mouse Club and started with real men in the league to beat Birmingham City 0-1 Of particular note in this admittedly boring game would be collective IQ of the chaps sitting in St. Andrews Stadium. After having publicly announced that being boo-ed makes him play better, the thick-in-the-head midlanders gave Christiano Ronaldo a wake up call to his dreadful start to the game by starting to boo him midway through the first half. A source that refused to be name told HBN that the earlier mentioned lovely Ms. Karma took a break off from JT and visited them later in the evening.

the 4.51am live update

I somehow find it very much impossible to drag my arse down to the staff canteen to watch the MU vs Coventry game (are they even showing the match on TV?) so I thought I would just check the progress of the match online, before I go for my hibernation sleep until 3pm.

As I am typing this, it is the 86th minute.

I checked the score. 0-2.

I checked the team. 2nd string.

I totally dig Fergie's new strategy. As in, getting rid of the early distractions to our treble target this season. So we can concentrate on the more important stuff y' know.

I just wished the game was at a place other that OT. But hey, that's just a minor detail.

p.s. I wonder if that Mifsud guy can get a hat-trick....

there's something about avram

Never mind that the only opposition manager I actually liked has gone..

Never that Peter Kenyon now has a big pie in his face, to add to the pie that IS his face...

Never mind that the Mighty Champions Manchester "Best Team in the Land" United won again...


There was something that kept bugging me about that Avram Grant bloke since I first saw his face on TV the other day. Never mind that nobody knew who the fuck he was. Never mind that everybody knew that he would be rubbish and is never going to be the one to replace the Special One. Never mind that he called himself "normal" and so the British press (and when I mean the British press, I mean the tabloids) are now calling him The Normal One.

There was just something about Avram........

And I couldn't quite place it until just now when I was going through my DVD collection and chanced upon The Godfather box set that it hit me:



That's right! But unlike Luca Brasi in the movie, this one looks dumb and thick. I would have paid good money to have watched Jose's post match interview after all the "dodgy" refereeing decisions. But Avram was just........boring.

Still, if the movie is any indication of how things are going to end up, we would have some fun soon.

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes..

*footnote: If you have never ever watched The Godfather, please poke yourself in the eye. Kthxbai.

You Call This An Update?!

Funniest football related sh!t i've seen in months.





The one with Kolo Toure is hilarious.

Did anyone see the recent one on TV about the Spurs ball boy?

Chelski On Course to Win Championship Next Season

MANCHESTER: Having already won the Premier League twice in three years, Chelski have their eyes set on winning a title they have not won under Jose Mourinho - the English Championship - in the 2008/09 season.

Yesterday, the Russian footsy team stole a march on Men.United in the race to be favorites in that division next season, beating the American soccer club 1-0 on red cards but losing out on goals scored in the end.

Coming out to punch a cross by Ryan "Mr Celcom" Giggs, goalkeeper Peter Cech was distracted by a fugly flying Colour TV that diverted the ball into the back of the net during the first half.

Brother Louis Louis Saha then got a perfect ten penalty by executing an Oscar-Winning impersonation of an Olympic diver (complete with flailing arms and thrown back head) in the second half when Chelski's Israeli buy-one-free one defender kicked one of his leg hairs.

In betweem the two goals, the supposed 'New Essien' managed to get off work early to join Jose Mourinho outside the stadium to laugh at Avram Grant's fucking boring post-match speech.



Rumours that Roman Abramovich was in the Chelski dressing room at half time trying to teach Joe Cole how to be a defender in Russian were unfounded.

In other news, Liverpool got a 0-0 draw against a bus, while Michael Owen got injured (shock! horror! waht will England do now????!!!!!????). Oh, and Derby continued their pre-Xmas generosity, gifting another five goals to the not-so-poor Arsenal kids.

LESSONS LEARNT

LESSONS LEARNT FROM THE MATCH:

• Fuck this Rotation Shit.
• You should probably start your best striker in EVERY GAME when NONE OF YOUR OTHER STRIKERS seem to want to score.
• It's time retire that old defender when he can't keep up with any of the opposing strikers, and can't even pass properly anymore.
• Bloody walking lump of lard. Where you even on the field?????
  
• There is no point in running around doing all that hard work if you run around like a headless chicken most of the time without doing anything.
• You're a fucking sorry excuse of a STRIKER when you can't even head the ball properly on target, even though you're taller than EVERYONE ELSE.
• Start learning how to ram through the bus already, dumbasses.
  

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star!!!

Chelsea 1 Rosenborg 1

Porto 1 Liverpool 1

Sporting Lisbon 0 Man Utd 1

Arsenal 3 Sevilla 0

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

You choose to show the first three games live, but decided to shove the two best teams in Europe (on current form) to a delayed telecast.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

Stupid or what? It took 3 different matches to get 3 goals while we only needed 1 match to get 3 goals. Talk about value for money.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

I really don't get it. All the pundeks on Football Focus say that the game would be a cracker, but yet decide not to show it. And it was a cracker indeed.

Dumb@$$ ESPN Star.

I'm not saying we are going to win the league or the champs league, but the fact is, Arsenal play entertaining football which even the neutrals can enjoy. Think of the Muslims who wake up at 3-4-5 am for sahur only to be put immediately back to sleep by snorefests like the Man U game. Imagine sleeping after a full stomach! (<-- this is the punchline for those who are sensitive)

Have a heart ESPN... Especially during Ramadhan....

Now Let's See Chelski win ANYTHING this season.

So Long, Mounrinho.

Now lets see Chelski win ANYTHING this season.



More later, I suppose.

Phew! HA-HA!

Two words and a hyphen: HA-HA!


(Picture from BBC.co.uk)

Chelski 1 - 1 Rosenborg

Chelsea are held to a 1-1 draw by Norwegian underdogs Rosenborg at Stamford Bridge in the Champions League.


------------------------------------------------------


One word: PHEW!


(Picture from BBC.co.uk)

Porto 1 - 1 "Very Very Bad" Liverpool

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez branded his shell-shocked side 'very, very bad' after their fortunate 1-1 Champions League draw and admitted Jermaine Pennant deserved to be sent off.


PS: Yes, this is an update. deal with it.

Ten-men and a Lamp-post Draw with Pompey

PORTSMOUTH: Totoro Hotsoup won the first half of their game against Arsenal but their defenders decided to let them win the second half after the Gunner Kids started crying; while Liverpool nicked a point at Fortress Fratton despite giving away a penalty and playing with ten men and a lamp-post.

The Arsenal-MSSM team are now top of the table, after Totoro Hotsoup defenders continued their revival of the Art of Comedy Defending (which has been so sorely missed ever since Newcastle sold Bramble and Boumsong) by gifting Fabregas one goal, and 'Not so Useless After All' Adebayor two goals in the second half.

Liverpool are second on goal difference, after Rafa Benitez's unique tactic of trying to distract Portsmouth players by sticking an inanimate lamp-post in the middle of Pompey's penalty box (instead of his best players) backfired when the lamppost disappointingly did nothing more than stand there.

The lamp-post played brilliantly for a lamp-post, it's not-jumping and standing-still skills were outstanding; while it also outdid itself by actually falling over a few times when a normal striker would have challenged for the ball. The Lamp-post did not have much help from it's supposed strike partner, an Alleged Fat Boy from Ukraine, who at least managed to do more than stand still and not jump.

Liverpool also conceded a penalty when Adebola decided to exchange shirts with a Pompey player a little too early. Fortunately for them, Kanu was being Kayu, so no goal.

In other news, Men.United stole yet another win in their fight against relegation as the dumbasses from the Blue side of Liverpool let them win at home.

Hantu Bola Tries To Make Some Money Off The Internet To Buy A Football Club

DEAR HANTUBOLA,
I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA (BOA), OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR FAMILIES.

I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF (USD$25) MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 10 TO 14 BANKING DAYS. THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT CLAIM. I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER (THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT) DIED ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE JULY, 2000.

I DON'T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURER ACCOUNT AS AN ABANDONED FUND. SO THIS IS THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT THE BANK CAN RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER. PLEASE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL AS A TOP SECRET AND DELETE IT IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.

UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 30% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME? AND 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR ANY EXPENSES THAT WARRANT ON THE PROCESS BEFORE THE FUND GET INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SUCH AS TELEPHONE CALLS BILLS (ETC).

BEST REGARD.
YUSUF MUSA

--------------------------------

Dear friend,

I am very interested in your story. Wow! 30% of $25million! That's like $7.5 million! I have plans to buy a football club in my country. You know football? Yah, my friend Shebby Singh, he was a good football player and can make good manager. We need money to remove some current idiots ruining my hometown club. Would you also be interested in investing your 60% in our great club called UPB MyTeam? We are very much interested also in buying a new goalkeeper to replace our fat goalkeeper with German goalkeeper Jens Lehman? We hear he is retiring soon and hope to bring him to our country to play. Also we wish to purchase young and upcoming star Titus Bramble to help marshall our defence and emulate our legendary Shebby Singh.

So yes, I am very much interested. Maybe you can give more details. I only have one concern - I am very much afraid of people cheating me. There have been a lot of silly people in my country getting cheated. How sure can I be? You said that 10% of the money ($2.5 million) will be spent on telephone bills? That is a lot. Are you sure your phone companies are not cheating you? There is a prepaid mobile phone plan in my country that only charges 35 cents/min called DiGi prepaid. Maybe you should consider that option so we can save more money and perhaps with $2 million left we can purchase another footballer - Kieran Richardson - you know him? Good player that one.

So please you reply me, and then give me details then we can proceed.

Regards,
Hantu Bola

-------------------------------

PS: Eh, which one of you two was it that replied, huh? I thought we agreed to keep Hantubola a strictly non-profit thingy? How come want to go buy football club wan? What else have you two been conspiring about behind me huh? huh? huh?

And Play of the Day Goes To...

... this guy, a 40-year old man who 'allegedly' attacked Sir Fergie at a train station.

Apparently, this station is in North London... (hey it could be a Spurs fan)...

Which begs the following questions: -

1) Why is a 'Sir' not chaffeur-driven?

2) Why did they arrest the man? They should give him a medal!

3) Why just kick him on the shins? If you're gonna get arrested anyway, might as well belasah kao kao!

********************

Update: As Jeevs and Soccernet belatedly points out, he was punched in the nuts. The best line in the article is this: -

" Sir Alex was said to be left stunned by the attack and suffered soreness and tenderness as a result of the punch."

All toes intact, Stevie G?

By all accounts, that England match last night was important because:

FIRST WIN AT WEMBLEY!
STEVE MCLALA'S JOB IS SAFE!
SHORT WRIGHT PHILIPS IS CLASS!
OWEN RETURNS!
HESKEY IS AWESOME!

So why no post here about it then? Because we couldn't give a flying fuck, that's why. Just bring back Stevie G with all toes intact, ok Steve McLala?

Now where's the live rugby....?

*cipet*

It happened last night, and it happened again today.

I went to have a shit, and Villa scored their first goal. That second goal was really just unavoidable in hindsight, once John Terry started playing up front with Drogba and Pizarro.

Cipet.

***************

When the team lists first came out, the first thought that crossed my mind was "who's running things in midfield for Chelsea?".

The "new Makelele", Obi-Jon was starting together with the other "new Makelele", Essien. Completing the central midfield combination was the old Makelele. I thought perhaps Chelsea would be coming down the flanks, but then Malouda kept cutting inside. Shrimp Wright-Phillips was being, well, Shrimp Wright-Phillips. He'll run all over the place the whole afternoon, but the lad is so tiny that even the referee sometimes trips on the guy.

SWP reminds me of Jesper Gronkjaer. Except that SWP looks about four feet shorter than Gronkjaer.

Cipet.

***************

it seems that I shouldn't have a shit while there is a footy match going on. Siao. People want to shit also cannot anymore.

Cipet.

No Gerrard? No Carragher? No Problem.

Liverpool 6 - 0 Derby County

Funnily enough, Soccernet captioned the picture above as ' Dirk Kuyt celebrates his goal against Derby' at first. Maybe it's because we scored so many that they couldn't keep track of who scored...

Sure, it's only Derby. Sure, it's at home. But hey, it's six goals, one clean sheet, and one hell of a huge goal difference right now.



Plus Torres has scored three already, and we already have a one goal lead towards winning a certain bet with a certain Chelsea fan concerning two bottles of Mr. Jameson's finest.

It's been a good weekend so far. Now All we need is Keane to take some points off his old boss...

***************

Footnote from TJ:

Today I had the pleasure of texting Vincent again with "How come there are no goals?". Of course, as things turned out, Louis Saha marked his comeback with a goal. I missed it as I was having a shit at the time. LOL