London, 11 April - Just days after the ghastly terrorist attacks in Liverpool that claimed the dignity and subjected the once proud 'oh-i-am-so-great-in-europe' Scousers to a humiliating defeat, the Blue Russian terrorist cell (Chelsea branch) has struck yet again!
This time, striking on home soil, the Blue Russians went about on the offensive and quickly racked up 4 frags against their victims who claim to be from the Bolton area. Unfortunately, these victims had no where near the street smarts of their more illustrious Manchester neighbours, and stood almost no chance.
However, even after the 4 frags, the Blue Russians kept going on the offensive and deployed their suicide bombers. However, as good hired help is hard to come by these days, the same can be said of good mercenaries. Among the mercenaries deployed included an ever sulking Frenchman and a short Brazilian-Portugese nationalised dunce. The Blue Russians were on self destruct mode and the suicide bombers managed to accomplish their mission of detonating 3 bombs, however the only losses were suffered on the Blue Russian side.
That hilarious bumbling will no doubt be cheered with false hope in Liverpool as the Scouse Scum look to retribution for the earlier attack on their base, by trying to draw up comparisons to some mythical fairytale in Istanbul. When pressed for comment, the Scouse supreme leader Rafael was quoted as saying, "This is not false hope. This is real hope. William Wallace did not suffer permanent damage to his groin from the atomic wedgie. We shall have retribution!"
When contacted by HBBN, an intelligent source who refuses to be name, was said to be anticipating another terrorist attack by the Blue Russian cell on Tuesday night, but hopes that this time, they would not deploy their suicide bombers.
Showing posts with label Completely Made Up Shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Completely Made Up Shit. Show all posts
April 12, 2009
April 09, 2009
Terrorist attack in Liverpool
Liverpool, April 9 - 11 men wearing Blue t-shirts and shorts were reported to have been seen terrorising 11 men in red shirts at Anfield stadium last night, and have been arrested on the charge of terrorism and child abuse. Their mastermind, Mr Guus Hiddink is still at large.
It is believed that this ghastly act was funded by the Russians in trying to impose the power of the Red Army upon the Western world. Ironically, the men carrying out these attacks on behalf of the Russian Red Army (not to be confused with the Liverpool and Manchester affiliations) were dressed in blue.
Police have identified the 11 men involved in the attack late last night:
Mr Petr Cech
Mr Branislav Ivanovic
Mr Ashley Cole
Mr John Terry
Mr Alex
Mr Michael Essien
Mr Michael Ballack
Mr Florent Malouda
Mr Salomon Kalou
Mr Didier Drogba
Earlier reports that former tennis world number 1 and part time supermodel, Ana Ivanovic was one of the chief culprits in this cowardly attack has been ruled out as false, and nothing more than a mere fabrication by online bloggers. The real culprit was identified as Mr Branislav Ivanovic, although nothing much else is known about him at present time. Police are still trying to figure out how such an unknown character managed to cripple a foolproof Zonal Marking system.
Local gangster and playground bully, Steve Gerrard was also reported to have suffered a groin injury after the attacks. Rumours that the injury was caused when one of the terrorists, a big and burly African gave him an atomic wedgie with his leopard print underwear still remain as an unsubstantiated claim.
More reports and reactions to follow....
*idea shameless copied from some bloke on FB
It is believed that this ghastly act was funded by the Russians in trying to impose the power of the Red Army upon the Western world. Ironically, the men carrying out these attacks on behalf of the Russian Red Army (not to be confused with the Liverpool and Manchester affiliations) were dressed in blue.
Police have identified the 11 men involved in the attack late last night:
Mr Petr Cech
Mr Branislav Ivanovic
Mr Ashley Cole
Mr John Terry
Mr Alex
Mr Michael Essien
Mr Michael Ballack
Mr Florent Malouda
Mr Salomon Kalou
Mr Didier Drogba
Earlier reports that former tennis world number 1 and part time supermodel, Ana Ivanovic was one of the chief culprits in this cowardly attack has been ruled out as false, and nothing more than a mere fabrication by online bloggers. The real culprit was identified as Mr Branislav Ivanovic, although nothing much else is known about him at present time. Police are still trying to figure out how such an unknown character managed to cripple a foolproof Zonal Marking system.
Local gangster and playground bully, Steve Gerrard was also reported to have suffered a groin injury after the attacks. Rumours that the injury was caused when one of the terrorists, a big and burly African gave him an atomic wedgie with his leopard print underwear still remain as an unsubstantiated claim.
More reports and reactions to follow....
*idea shameless copied from some bloke on FB
October 09, 2008
ESBN Breaking News! Chelski in Financial Trouble?
SOMEWHERE IN NIGERIA: Hotshot super-bias ESBN reporter eyeris stumbled upon evidence that Russian footy club Chelski may not be as rich as people believe them to be these days.
Already relegated from richest club in the world to SECOND richest club in the world by Middle Eastern Thai restaurant RichMan City, and impressed by the riches of the Nigerian consortium trying to buy Newcastle Comedy Club, Chelski have also come up with their own version of the Nigerian Scam in a desperate bid to regain their crown as the richest club in the world.
No official from the above mentioned supporters club could be reached for contact, probably because there is no such place called StaNford Bridge Fulham Road. Efforts by grammar police to arrest the scam artists for bad punctuation and lack of paragraphs were also futile.
Meanwhile, rumors that formerly prolific Hantu Bola founder Tigerjoe was seen in front of a camera posing like an underwear model wearing nothing but his Chelsea jersey were unfounded at press time.
Already relegated from richest club in the world to SECOND richest club in the world by Middle Eastern Thai restaurant RichMan City, and impressed by the riches of the Nigerian consortium trying to buy Newcastle Comedy Club, Chelski have also come up with their own version of the Nigerian Scam in a desperate bid to regain their crown as the richest club in the world.
No official from the above mentioned supporters club could be reached for contact, probably because there is no such place called StaNford Bridge Fulham Road. Efforts by grammar police to arrest the scam artists for bad punctuation and lack of paragraphs were also futile.
Meanwhile, rumors that formerly prolific Hantu Bola founder Tigerjoe was seen in front of a camera posing like an underwear model wearing nothing but his Chelsea jersey were unfounded at press time.
July 11, 2008
ESBN: Christy Ronaldo Remakes Britney Spears Hit!
SOMEWHERE IN INGERLUND: Adolf's favorite player Christina Ronaldoidoi took a stab at pop stardom today, as he announced today that he will be releasing a single soon - a remake of Britney Spears classic pop song entitled "I'm A Slave 4 MU'.
Recorded with a distinctive Spanish flavour to it, the single is likely to be well-received all over England, except one tiny spot on the map called Old Trafficlight. It is also likely to be a big hit in Spain, especially in Madrid.
Doi Doi was inspired to release the single after KFIFAC head honcho Special Platter singled him out as a slave to the American Major Premier League Soccer team. Abraham Lincoln could not be reached for comment at this time.
Rumours that a poor man's Michael Jackson named Nani will sing backup vocals on the single were also unfounded at press time.
May 30, 2008
Awards Time!
Yes, it is time for the Hantubola Yend of Season Avards for 2007/08. Enjoy.
The Alexi Lalas Award for Worst Hairstyle: My personal favourite would be Bacary Sagna, but I honestly found David James' "fake superman" side-parting back in October truly disturbing. I'm not sure why.
The Juan Veron Award for Biggest Waste of Money: YOU may want Florent Malouda (£13.5 million) to win this, and he probably deserves it, but I would just like to point out that Totty Hotshit paid £16 million for Darren Bent.
The Winston Bogarde Bench Warming Award: I want to say that Andriy Shevchenko's goal-line clearance against ManYoo pretty much saves him from getting this award. He also scored 8 goals in all competitions when he did play. Besides, Jari Litmanen didn't even clock a single minute for Fulham. LOL
The Michael Owen Prize: This award is given to the player who moves to another club in the same season that his former club makes it to the Champions League final. This season, we have two winners - Arjen Robben and Gabriel Heinze. Make sure you play nice and share, now. *Mwahahahahahah*
The "I'm The Man" Trophy: Named after Steven Gerrard and his 60-metre backpass / opponent goal assist calamities, this award is handed to the player who single-handedly decides the result of a match. This season's winner? John Arne Riise, whose diving header not just decided one match, but the away goal pretty much screwed up his team over a two-legged semi-final.
Finally, last but not least, lest we forget...
No? You disagree, you say? Too bad, so sad, Hantubola is not a democratic republic!
*Mwahahahahahahahahahah*
The Alexi Lalas Award for Worst Hairstyle: My personal favourite would be Bacary Sagna, but I honestly found David James' "fake superman" side-parting back in October truly disturbing. I'm not sure why.
The Juan Veron Award for Biggest Waste of Money: YOU may want Florent Malouda (£13.5 million) to win this, and he probably deserves it, but I would just like to point out that Totty Hotshit paid £16 million for Darren Bent.
The Winston Bogarde Bench Warming Award: I want to say that Andriy Shevchenko's goal-line clearance against ManYoo pretty much saves him from getting this award. He also scored 8 goals in all competitions when he did play. Besides, Jari Litmanen didn't even clock a single minute for Fulham. LOL
The Michael Owen Prize: This award is given to the player who moves to another club in the same season that his former club makes it to the Champions League final. This season, we have two winners - Arjen Robben and Gabriel Heinze. Make sure you play nice and share, now. *Mwahahahahahah*
The "I'm The Man" Trophy: Named after Steven Gerrard and his 60-metre backpass / opponent goal assist calamities, this award is handed to the player who single-handedly decides the result of a match. This season's winner? John Arne Riise, whose diving header not just decided one match, but the away goal pretty much screwed up his team over a two-legged semi-final.
Finally, last but not least, lest we forget...
Cipet-Face of the Year Award
No? You disagree, you say? Too bad, so sad, Hantubola is not a democratic republic!
*Mwahahahahahahahahahah*
April 30, 2008
ESBN EXCLUSIVE! English FAcks to Revamp Cup Competitions!
INGERLUND: Men.United beat Barsucklona 1-0 last night at Old Trafford to advance into the final of what will henceforth be known as the English FA Cup final, as they prepare to meet either Liverpool of Chelski in the final in Moscow.
Seeing as the final of the ORIGINAL English FACup will be played between two teams no one really gives a damn about, there have been rumours that the English FAcks are planning to adopt the Champion's League as their domestic cup.
Objections that teams like Barcelona and AC Milan are not English were waved away as the English FAck pointed out that neither are Chelsea and Arsenal; anyway.
They will also change the name of the FA Cup to the League Cup, and then change the abolish the League Cup by changing it into the Yakult Cup or Nasi Kandar Pelita Cup (depending on how much the sponsors fork out).
In other news, a fat overweight and overhyped chipmunk tried to get laid with three dudes.
Seeing as the final of the ORIGINAL English FACup will be played between two teams no one really gives a damn about, there have been rumours that the English FAcks are planning to adopt the Champion's League as their domestic cup.
Objections that teams like Barcelona and AC Milan are not English were waved away as the English FAck pointed out that neither are Chelsea and Arsenal; anyway.
They will also change the name of the FA Cup to the League Cup, and then change the abolish the League Cup by changing it into the Yakult Cup or Nasi Kandar Pelita Cup (depending on how much the sponsors fork out).
In other news, a fat overweight and overhyped chipmunk tried to get laid with three dudes.
February 19, 2008
Liverpoo Unveils New Mascot
Liverpool: Liverpool Stealers Soccer Team have taken the next step forward in a major rebranding exercise in the hope of transforming the soccer club from a pub team into a world force. Coming just hours after their more illustrious rivals Manchester United introduced their new mascot, Liverpoo have followed suit.
Plague by years of stereotype about Liverpool being home to jobless hub-cap stealers and supporters living on dole, the last two seasons have been crucial in their efforts to appear more family oriented and entertain the masses by injecting more of the famous Scouse humour.
The first phase was successfully carried out by hiring new personnel and changing the image of others. The exercise started with the hiring of a defender whose name sounds like part of a nipple and continued last summer with their manager growing a goatee, after sitting on the grass in a zen-like pose during a match. If their objective was to entertain and humour everybody else, it certainly worked, and with even greater effect theses days as we see more of their English vice-captain speaking in a funny language that nobody seems to understand.
This evening, with the unveiling of the new mascot, Liverpool have launched the second phase of their rebranding exercise in which they intend to steal (oh, the irony!) the 'Comedy Club' status from Newcastle United.
Introducing, BORAT, the new mascot for LiverpoolStealers Comedy Soccer Club:
Club officials have refused to disclose the details of the 3rd phase of their comedy rebranding exercise, although HBBN's inside scoop was made to believe that the plan included finishing 6th in the league this year.
Liverpool's Zen master and Jamiethescousewhocantspeakenglishcarragher could not be reached for comments.
Plague by years of stereotype about Liverpool being home to jobless hub-cap stealers and supporters living on dole, the last two seasons have been crucial in their efforts to appear more family oriented and entertain the masses by injecting more of the famous Scouse humour.
The first phase was successfully carried out by hiring new personnel and changing the image of others. The exercise started with the hiring of a defender whose name sounds like part of a nipple and continued last summer with their manager growing a goatee, after sitting on the grass in a zen-like pose during a match. If their objective was to entertain and humour everybody else, it certainly worked, and with even greater effect theses days as we see more of their English vice-captain speaking in a funny language that nobody seems to understand.
This evening, with the unveiling of the new mascot, Liverpool have launched the second phase of their rebranding exercise in which they intend to steal (oh, the irony!) the 'Comedy Club' status from Newcastle United.
Introducing, BORAT, the new mascot for Liverpool
Club officials have refused to disclose the details of the 3rd phase of their comedy rebranding exercise, although HBBN's inside scoop was made to believe that the plan included finishing 6th in the league this year.
Liverpool's Zen master and Jamiethescousewhocantspeakenglishcarragher could not be reached for comments.
Men.United introduces new mascot
PRESS RELEASE
Menchester, 19 February 2008. Men.United today broke tradition by paying the highest accolade to another club. History reveals that Men.United fans have never have anything good to say about another team.
A recent research, however, has surprisingly revealed that most of the fans of Men.United now admire a club which they feel is the greatest threat to the FA Cup.
As such, Men.United today officially introduces its new mascot to please their fans.
Barney and Friends
Menchester, 19 February 2008. Men.United today broke tradition by paying the highest accolade to another club. History reveals that Men.United fans have never have anything good to say about another team.
A recent research, however, has surprisingly revealed that most of the fans of Men.United now admire a club which they feel is the greatest threat to the FA Cup.
As such, Men.United today officially introduces its new mascot to please their fans.
Barney and FriendsGloater, Gloater, Men. United will also now be replaced with a new song which is more apt for their especially close relationship with each other.
I love you,
You love me,
We are a happy family
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too
You love me,
We are a happy family
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too
- Ends -
For more information, please contact Barney's friends at:
hantubola@gmail.com or visit hantubola.blogspot.com
For more information, please contact Barney's friends at:
hantubola@gmail.com or visit hantubola.blogspot.com
January 16, 2008
The Secret Diary of Mike Ashley, the CarToon Chairman
May 2007
That Russian git Roman has been making fun of me over at the billionaire's club. Said he's got a lot more dates now that he owns that Blue shirt football club. I must get one myself too. Hmm, that black and white shirt team up North says they're a BIG CLUB. I like BIG CLUBS. I wanted to buy that Blue one in Liverpool but someone once said they are a SMALL CLUB. I don't like SMALL CLUBS.
June 2007
YAY! I have my own football club! Got big stadium too! But that manager calls himself BIG Sam. I don't like BIG people. Nothing should be BIGGER than me and my BIG club.
November 2007
Went to watch this Derby game with all the fans. Donno why they call it a derby when we were playing Sunderland, and not Derby. All the fans keep telling me that they are a BIG club and BIG Sa is not good enough. I think I'll buy them beer.
December 2007
Haiyor jialat! Bad pubilcity! That BIG Sam guy go and buy criminal also I donno! This Barton guy must go, and must get rid of this BIG Sam also already! Why he buy this sort of player lar? He should go and buy that Bramble guy from Wigan. I saw him play that day not bad what!
9 January 2008
I got rid of that BIG Sam guy. The fella make us lose so many games! Against Derby also can lose! Must go look for new Manager now. But no hurry. I'm sure without that BIG Sam we can BEAT that Manchester team. eh, are we playing the blue one or the red one?
12 January 2008
CIBAI! SIX NIL! Must find new manager fast fast.
13 January
Still thinking about who to hire. Wanted to hire that ugly guy from Portsmouth, but he dowan, say Newcastle too cold. Wanted to hire that Alan guy because all the fans asked me to, but he also too BIG for my liking. Wanted to hire that Kevin guy also, but he also dowan. Then that shorty Owen fella mentioned beforethat this Gerard Holey guy quite good, won FIVE trophies ok? So I ask him, he also dowan. Haiyor, why nobody want to come here? I pay them a lot of money also dowan!
15 January
I got brilliant idea! That French guy Didi Dekamp or something manage Juventus before right? And Juventus got wear Black And White Jersey like us also right? So I think I'll go ask this Didi guy to come and manage us! He sure want wan! Black And White mar! Familiar surroundings! Brilliant!
16 January
Basket, that Didi also dowan.
That Russian git Roman has been making fun of me over at the billionaire's club. Said he's got a lot more dates now that he owns that Blue shirt football club. I must get one myself too. Hmm, that black and white shirt team up North says they're a BIG CLUB. I like BIG CLUBS. I wanted to buy that Blue one in Liverpool but someone once said they are a SMALL CLUB. I don't like SMALL CLUBS.
June 2007
YAY! I have my own football club! Got big stadium too! But that manager calls himself BIG Sam. I don't like BIG people. Nothing should be BIGGER than me and my BIG club.
November 2007
Went to watch this Derby game with all the fans. Donno why they call it a derby when we were playing Sunderland, and not Derby. All the fans keep telling me that they are a BIG club and BIG Sa is not good enough. I think I'll buy them beer.
December 2007
Haiyor jialat! Bad pubilcity! That BIG Sam guy go and buy criminal also I donno! This Barton guy must go, and must get rid of this BIG Sam also already! Why he buy this sort of player lar? He should go and buy that Bramble guy from Wigan. I saw him play that day not bad what!
9 January 2008
I got rid of that BIG Sam guy. The fella make us lose so many games! Against Derby also can lose! Must go look for new Manager now. But no hurry. I'm sure without that BIG Sam we can BEAT that Manchester team. eh, are we playing the blue one or the red one?
12 January 2008
CIBAI! SIX NIL! Must find new manager fast fast.
13 January
Still thinking about who to hire. Wanted to hire that ugly guy from Portsmouth, but he dowan, say Newcastle too cold. Wanted to hire that Alan guy because all the fans asked me to, but he also too BIG for my liking. Wanted to hire that Kevin guy also, but he also dowan. Then that shorty Owen fella mentioned beforethat this Gerard Holey guy quite good, won FIVE trophies ok? So I ask him, he also dowan. Haiyor, why nobody want to come here? I pay them a lot of money also dowan!
15 January
I got brilliant idea! That French guy Didi Dekamp or something manage Juventus before right? And Juventus got wear Black And White Jersey like us also right? So I think I'll go ask this Didi guy to come and manage us! He sure want wan! Black And White mar! Familiar surroundings! Brilliant!
16 January
Basket, that Didi also dowan.
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