ESBN: Liverpool's Faith In Owen Pays Off

SOMEWHERE IN INGERLAND: Liverpool's greatest and arguably most dastardly transfer this year, Michael Owen, paid dividends last night when he helped Burnley to a 1-0 win over Men.United.

In the game last night, Owen did his part for Liverpool's cause by being completely invisible to everyone. He never put a foot wrong throughout the game (in fact, he hardly put a foot anywhere near the ball at all), and even managed to 'accidentally' drift offside AND miss a clear header during the game.

And to top it all off, Owen even managed to dupe Carrick into believing that Fergit had been referring to HIM when he said, "Michael, you're taking the penalties this game".

The biggest disappointment was that Owen never got the chance to finish the game, as he was taken off at the 63rd minute by a perplexed Fergit who thought he'd signed the next Henrik Larsson.

In other news, Stoke City didn't manage to throw the ball into the net at Anfield, though Liverpool did manage to knock it into the goal four times, as opposed to none in the last season.

How does that song go again?

Oh, right...

GLORY GLORY BARCELOOOONA!
GLORY GLORY BARCELONNNNA!
GLOOORY GLORY BARCELOOOONA!
When the Catalans go marching in!

Huh? Waddaya MEAN that ain't the way it's supposed to be?

So...

... if 4-1 stands for 4 points ahead with one game in hand, what do 0-2 and 5-0 stand for? Volleyball scores? LOL

ESBN: Liverpool win Thanks to Van The Suck and A Turf Of Grass

ALL OVER THE WORLD: Almost every single English Pub League supporter in the world was cheering as the U in ABU failed to conjure up their usual lucky last-minute sucker punch at Anfield on Saturday night.

Instead, Liverpool took all three points thanks to a wonderful shot by a turf of grass on the field, who shot it pass the keeper and two defenders after collecting a pass from Ryan Babelfish, who in turn collected a pass from Dirk Not-So-Headless-But-Still-Goalless Kuyt, who collected a pass from Mashimaro, who stole it from an Old Man Giggs who was more fascinated with watching the ball roll out than actually kicking it.

Earlier, it seemed as though the sucker punch had come early for Men.United, as a pudgy Colour TV scored (and then amusingly proceeded to make out with the inside of his arm) from a Bahbahtof assist, before eyeris even had a chance to order his beer.

However, Team MUSA's latest volleyball star, Edwin Van The Suck, turned out to be the savior of Team Gillette sHick (triple-balded for closer shave). Instead of going for a dig to save a Xabi Alonso miscued spike, he decided to go and punch his comedy sparring partner Where's Brown in the knees instead; which resulted in a hilarious comedy routine with and an own goal that Titus Bramble would have been proud of. It gave Liverpool only their second goal against MUSA in eight games (both ironically scored by Men.United players).

Soon after the winning goal NehNehManja Vidic gave the game it's customary red card after he executed a kungfu elbow on Xabi Alonso. Funnily enough, the referee didn't seem too keen to send him off, preferring to show him only a second yellow card, before eventually reluctantly pulling out the red one.

In other news, the Mighty Hull City continued their charge towards next year's Championship title by beating next year's Championship rivals Newcastle Comedy Club. And the Arsenal MSSM team got 4 goals against the Incey Old Liverpool Players' Retirement Home.

Meanwhile, some Brazilian player who probably regrets signing for the club with a lighter shade of blue, scored a splendid goal that was soon eclipsed by three more goals by the other team in blue, which he now probably wishes he'd signed for instead.

At the same game, John Terryble decided that it would be too easy playing a Vidic-less MUSA next weekend, so he decided to even the odds for their rivals by indulging in a little rugby, and getting himself sent off as well.

This Just In....

Man versus Zen.

Man lost.

The End.





Ps. That's one hell of a volleyball spike, Paul.