March 31, 2006

the new comedy club

Is Birmingham City FC the new comedy club?

I do wonder, especially since:
  1. Their matches are usually over after 15 minutes.
  2. Their club chairman and manager only have conversations through the media.
  3. Their fans believe that they are a big club. Bigger than Aston Villa even.
  4. Their top striker is affectionately known as The Donkey.
  5. Even a team with strikers who couldn't score in a brothel put seven past their defence.
I still demand to know why Birmingham are in the Premiership. It would have been more fun to have Norwich City around; at least that aunty is funny when she's had a few drinks.

Toodles

[photos taken from The Guardian Gallery]

March 30, 2006

*hic*

I'm sure everyone has been waiting for the results of the caption contest. Yes, we did say the winner would be announced last week, but there was an unforeskin technical problem. *hic*

You see, the judges decided that since we'd gotten so many people to wreck their brains for an original and funny caption, the least we could do was to make sure the prize would be worth it. So we went out testing dirrefent beverages to ensure its worthiness as a prize. *hic*

After the judges had tested as many berevages as possible, we then set out to actually pick a winner. *hic* There was some difficulties here, as one judge felt that there were no winning entries, whilst another reckoned theprizeoftwopints should be split among the judges instead. *hic* Of course, that last idea kinda sunk itself when everyone realised that it's hard (and somewhat pai seh) to spilt two pints between three people.

In hindsight, I'm not even sure why we had to test the quality of berevages when the prize was two pints of the winner's choice of beregave. For all we knew, the winner could be some kid who wanted fooking green fanta or something like that. *hic*

So yeah, *hic* that was what happened. *hic*

I think I'm forgetting something *hic* here, but I donch know what... *hic* oh, right. The contets vinner.

The *hic* winner of the caption contets is Kay, with this *hic* swort and sheet entry:

alamak, salah parking

Kay may claim the prize *hic* whenever convenient. As for everyone else, youse did well but *hic* didn't come away with fool points at the final whistle. Youse may claims your consolation drink at the next HantuBola garething. *hic*

Tooleds

March 29, 2006

Young Alan Shearer

Took this from a newspaper in the UK recently. I was thinking about putting it up on my blog, but seeing that things are kinda slow here today (plus, no one visits my blog anyway), I might as well put it up here.

By the way, it's the kid on the left. The bloke on the right is Mighty Mouse (or King Kev), in case you fail to realise it.

************************************

Oh yeah, what happened to the captions competition results? Judges must have finished all two jugs by themselves, greedy &#^&%@! It's not fair to raise our hopes, make us wait... Then... Nothing! Pfffbbbrrtt! We've been taken for a ride.

March 27, 2006

mister k

I recall posting this in the comments section:

March 9, 2006: 1.53 pm- Karma smarma. All a bunch of hooey.


I am now contrite and humble. Cowed by karma. Beaten, kicked, spat upon... On the receiving end of an atomic wedgie by mister k. I am sorry sir, please accept my most sincere and humble apologies [falls prostrate on floor includes a pinch of grovelling as well + a small whimper]. I will never mock you again.

Take a look at the Toon's latest results:

Manure 2 : Toon 0 (March12, 2006)
Toon 1: Hub Cap Stealers 3 (March 19, 2006)
Special One's Divers 1: Toon 0 (March 22, 2006)
Charlton 3: Toon 1 (March 26, 2006)

*&#%@^#&. Will it never end? Sigh. Please la, I beg you la. Show a little sympathy la mister k. I will burn you some char siew and siew yuk if you decide to stop punishing us la. Bak kut teh also can, if you want.

Mister k's punishing is not confined to the results alone. Sigh. Damn vicious fella man, mister k. Michael Owen also 'ng fong ko' (translation: tidak lepas).

He costs us a lot of money, okay. Sitting on his hugely expensive ass and twidling his thumbs. GBP17 million can buy a lot of strikers from Malaysia and Indonesia. Hell, we can buy all the strikers in the Malaysian Super League and have change to spare for bungs.

The Hub Cap Stealers can have him back. I am sick of his metatarsal and England hopes. How does him farting around in a white and red jersey benefit us? I think this is mister k's work again. Must be payback for selling Jonathan Woodgate to Real.

I will never mock mister k, ever again. If the Toon wins this weekend, I'll buy you a drink. Deal mister k?

March 25, 2006

I'm so ashamed that I'll go support Forest Green instead...

I feel so ashamed of myself.

We got this sobering comment in the last post:

Dude, u guys blog great, without questions, but can u guys play ball as good as u blog? And I mean football, not that fucking goddamn futsal. Or are u guys just geeks behind the screen. I wanna know. U guys think its so easy. And if u guys think u're pundits, sorry but this is just a big fan blog with crazy major club fans who thinks its so goddamn easy. I don't see a Dags & Reds fan in the bloggers. Maybe it's still about the fame. And don't mock any professional personnels. try taking their place. Think about it. Nerds.

And it made us cry.

Why?

Because it's true.

  • We should never have passed ourselves off as a 'serious football blog'.
  • We should never have thought of giving 'serious football punditry'.
  • We should not have made fun of Shebby Singh.
  • We should have payed more attention to the football lessons during our Pendidikan Jasmani classes and not go play futsal instead.
  • We should have thought of all the shit professional personnels (sic) go through deciding what to do with their money.
  • We shouldn't spend so much time in front of the computer becoming nerds and should have GONE AND PLAY SOME FOOTBALL GODAMMIT.
  • We should be geeks IN FRONT of the screen, not BEHIND it
  • We should all go and support Kettering Town and Boston United instead, Liverpool and Man Utd be damned.

I'm sorry to all those who came here looking for professional football punditry and wound up being disappointed by our crazed fanboy chants, fame-fueled ranting, over-enthusiastic REFEREE KAYU cusses, and inane mamak talk.

My fellow Hantu Bola, we should not be like that. We must change ourselves!!!!!

After all, if we want to be taken seriously, we shouldn't be
  • using all that foul language
  • yelling REFEREE KAYU all the time
  • posting stupid pictures
  • making fun of Peter Crouch and Boumsong
  • Takign cheap shots at one another
  • writing junk that we usually talk about in the mamak stall
  • having fun BLOGGING (oh my!)
  • Watching too much football
  • playing fucking FUTSAL instead of playing FOOTBALL

Only IF we wanted to be taken seriously, that is...


Now, where's my Forest Green jersey?


------------------------------------------------------

In other news....

Wow, winning 3-1 even with ten men for most of the match. Scoring 18 goals in 4 matches. I'm so ashamed of supporting Liverpool right now.

Damn that Stevie G red card. Alonso was brilliant though.

March 24, 2006

Gah.

I have a feeling that until April 22 or 23, Tigerjoe and I are probably gonna be really quiet...

Why? Because of fear of karma, that's why.
Because of THIS, that's why.

But then again, April 22/23 is still far away. or Maybe if we take potshots at each other in the mean time, we might be able to even out the karma. Though that would mean a 0-0 draw and penalties, maybe. Not good.

Gah, Why couldn't it have been Charlton, Boro or West Ham???

March 23, 2006

actually

I've just realised how people call Liverpool the team of the 70's and 80's and people call Manyoo the team of the 90's. Supposedly we are in decline and hence would never be the team of the new millenium.

But thinking about it, we've won 3 league titles - in 2000, 2001 and 2003 (and soon to be 2006). Arsenal have only won 2 (2002 & 2004), Chelsea have won one (2005). So actually, we are STILL the team of the new millenium.



And actually, thinking back, a lot of things happened in 1990 :


Personally, I had just started Standard 1.

Politically, they released Nelson Mandela from prison, tore down the Berlin Wall and Margaret Tatcher resigned as the Prime Minister of the UK.

Technologically, the world wide web was launced.

Also, we were singing Vanilla Ice's ICE ICE BABY and New Kids on the Block's Step by Step and Julia Roberts played a whore in Pretty Woman.

Most importantly it was the year in which Liverpool last won the league.

March 22, 2006

fook that shite

I couldn't sleep last night, so I thought perhaps I'd stay up and watch the Scousers lose to a resurgent Birmingham City FC.

I made a whole pot of coffee whilst Paul Masefield and Andrew Leci were going through the pre-match stuff. I sat down just as the buggers kicked-off. The match was over by the fifth minute, as I was taking my first sip of coffee. Fook that shite.

Birmingham played like a bunch of girls last night. Although I have to say I've seen girls who are tougher than last night's Birmingham line-up. I mean, how bad does it get when the biggest poofter on Merseyside can outmuscle a bigger-sized defender to score Liverpool's third?

Fook that shite. I demand to know why Birmingham are in the premiership.

***************

I just found out who will officiate tonight's quarter-final at Stamford Bridge. Care to take a guess?

None other than the one and only Steve "Fooking" Bennett. Fook that shite.

Foodles

FIFTEEN in THREE!

Premiership opposition? What Premiership opposition?

Match fatigue? What match fatigue?

Striker crisis? What striker crisis?

March 21, 2006

HantuBola Poll

Which team will finish 4th in the EPL this season? This poll will run for about a week or so.


Create polls and vote for free. dPolls.com

I foresee the popular vote going to Arsenal. I am a betting man though, and I'm putting money on Bolton Wanderers.

Big Sam has got two games in hand over his rivals, and the current top four teams still have to play one match each against the Northeast Veterans. Plus Bolton still have two games to play against Birmingham, and one each against WBA and Boro.

Yes, yes; this may come as a shock to some, but I reckon people should be ready to see a bunch of old duffers playing in the Champions League next season.

Doodles

Comedy Club Eh?


Woit!!! A few days away from the PC and this happens? Through no fault of my own, you see, as I was flying at 900 km/h in a little tin aluminium cylindrical tube, sitting in a cramped little seat, next to a goatish-smelling orang putih who kept invading my territory with his fat, pudgy arms. Have you noticed that all of them smell the same? They smell like goats! They say all Asians look alike to them, so I think it is only fair game to state that they all smell alike, that is, like goats. Okay, back to my rambling... Err... Where was I? Oh yes, sitting in a cramped little good-for-nothing seat where you cannot sleep properly (despite the fact that the flight took 13.5 hours), cannot feel comfortable no matter what position and space so tight that you feel that the blood circulation to your nuts are cut off. If I become sterile, I am suing MAS.

Also, give me a chance to get over my jet lag first, la.

Anyway, back to my Comedy Club. Let me ask you guys this question.

Is Newcastle United NOT entertaining?

Haha. Though you'd say that. My Comedy Club is the only club where:
1. Teammates can end up fighting one another and had to be separated by players from the opposing team. And how did they fight? Like girls, with scratching motions.
2. Little runtish strikers with foul mouths had to be grabbed by the throat by the manager. Man, I would love to see that fucking Bellamy choke-slammed and given the last ride by the Undertaker.
3. Manager was so old that he forgot his players' names. There are rumours that he is coaching Ireland at the moment, so I don't know what that means for the Irish. Man, do they need more four-leafed clovers and leprechauns over there.
4. Chairman is so fat and ugly that no one uses Your Momma jokes on his mother but on him.
Hey, I would take and accept all my club's weaknesses because I know in my heart that there is only one NUFC. No other club entertains like mine. I have to admit that we entertained the opposition fans on many occassions with our comical defending.
At least we don't do this:
1. Pass the ball around the midfield and hope that Lampard scores. Once he does, play keep ball until time is up.
2. Pass the ball to that cunt C. Ronaldo and hope that he trips over himself in the penalty box AND get a penalty.
3. Ping crosses at the bean pole and hope that somehow he manages to stand still and not flinch when the ball is coming at him.
AND, we try to play football. Porous and fucking lousy defence be damned! We are a football team, and we PLAY football. Arsenal has my respect. Their brand of flowing football is the stuff of legends.
Later.

March 20, 2006

a bold prediction

I am going all out to say it..

Fuck karma.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the odds.

Fuck the laughter when it comes.

Fuck it...Manchester United is going to win the league this season.

Just you wait and see.

cheebye

Now we have to wait for one extra week. Fook.

March 19, 2006

So.... Kalau Pool Kayu, Toon itu apa? (Part Two)

After my last post where Antyyk took a poke at Liverpool and I bit back, this was what Tigerjoe commented:

Apparently some people aren't too concerned with karma biting them in the backside.I'll have a go at the Toon after the 22nd of this month. :P

Dude, I say, by all means, have a go at them now. Heh. Though to be fair, you are right. karma does suck.

After all, when someone decides to have a cheap shot like THIS:

Liberbull 5 - Full of Ham 1, Wah lau! World ending issit? God-with-a-nose-plaster-thingy scored. Fecking kayu Crouchy scored (though he cheated a bit). Mou-lun-entes scored! Okay, I can't resist. I have to say it: LIVERPOOL KAYU!!!

and his team ends up being on the wrong end of a 3-1 AT HOME; the ever-reliable funnyman Boumsong gets a bright little red cardboard award for Best Comedy Defending Routine; and their team captain tries to raise a few chuckles in the end with his lawak-dua-puluh-sen of trying to punch a hole through a defensive wall by running headlong into it... well, you really have to say that karma REALLY DOES SUCK.

BUAHAHA! Scoring crisis? What scoring crisis? Even that bloody useless CISSE got on the scoresheet, for gods sake! It really is the end of the world!!

So, as it is, I'm still waiting for an answer to this question:

KALAU POOL KAYU, TOON ITU APA?

March 17, 2006

Should Steven Gerrard Shut Up?



Right after losing to Benfica, Gerrard suggested that the answer to Liverpool's goalscoring problems is deceptively simple : Michael Owen.

At Gary Macallister's wife's funeral, he allowed himself to be interviewed and here is an excerpt from the article :

Gerrard explains: “I’ve got confidence in Peter Crouch, but to get the best out of him, he needs to play alongside a prolific scorer. Peter has never been prolific and I don’t think he’s ever going to be. He’s a target man; you’ll only get maximum benefit out of him if you play him alongside a prolific partner, and we haven’t got one. We’re desperate for one. I’m not going to sit here and disguise the fact that we need a poacher.”

No prizes for guessing the predator he has in mind — the one who joined Newcastle when he left Real Madrid last summer. “I know Michael Owen wanted to come here,” Gerrard says. “I’ve got a good enough relationship with him to know that. We speak regularly and I know what Michael’s feelings were. He wanted to come back and play for Liverpool. The fact that he’s not here now is down to Liverpool not making it happen, rather than Michael not wanting to come.

“It’s difficult for me to say what difference he might have made the other night, but Michael Owen scores goals. Domestically, in Europe and at international level, he has proved that. He’s a great player. Someone asked me in the interviews after the game on Wednesday if I’d like him back, which is a silly question. He’s a world-class player and one I love playing with. Of course I’d love to have him back. I was disappointed when he didn’t come, and so were the rest of the lads, because we all knew he’d have improved us, but it was a tricky situation. Michael was desperate to get away from Real quickly. If he’d given it a bit more time, I think he would have been a Liverpool player again.”

Might he still be? “Who knows what the future holds?” Gerrard says.


In my humble opinion, I actually feel that he's gone a bit too far.

As much as I would LOVE to see Michael Owen back in a red shirt and scoring goals for us again, it is also too easy to overlook certain issues.

Owen has 3 years left on his contract with Newcastle. He has made 10 appearances for the Magpies so far, and has gotten 7 goals. He has been injured for the rest of the time and does not deserve a fraction of his ridiculously high salary that he continues to get every week. Gerrard re-highlighting the fact that Owen never wanted to go to Newcastle in the first place means that it has driven Owen to come up with more embellishments about how happy he is at Newcastle.

Nobody ever said that life was fair. But it would be extremely unfair for Owen to be leaving after making less than 20 appearances and scoring maybe 10 goals or so (if he recovers his sharpness in time) after Newcastle paid over 17 mil for him, and then just leave like that.

So why is Steven Gerrard encouraging him to do exactly that? Why is Gerrard trying to unsettle Owen, and worse of all, the Newcastle players?

Also, it has been claimed that the only reason why Rafa didn't go for Owen was because the board wanted it more than he did, which meant that they might not have much left to buy players to fill in positions that needed to be filled more urgently. The players they never ended up buying and whose shadows I still cannot detect anywhere near Anfield ANYWAY! As I can only rely on my very reliable source and do not know Rafa or anyone associated with Liverpool FC well enough, I don't know how true or untrue that claim is, as I've heard more than enough claims to fill the Pacific Ocean.

But obviously (and I know that this post will elicit a LOT of bitter responses from certain Liverpool fans), and as I've been led to believe, since Liverpool didn't make much of an effort to bring Owen back last summer, why would it be any different this summer? Rafa made it very clear that he wanted to procure the services of a striker like Crouch, and that he doesn't like to have star players who score 20+ goals and then leave the club languishing in 4th or 5th, in his team. That means he clearly does not want Owen no matter how great he thinks he is, or how nice he thinks he is, which he continuously stressed on last summer.

Then, there is also the question of his price.

Freddy Shepard vehemently denied that there is a clause in Owen's contract which would let him leave for 12 mil. Well, obviously he wouldn't want people to believe that great players think of Newcastle only as a stop-gap measure, a temporary situation, but rather as some great club which they would want to spend the rest of their careers playing for. But I highly doubt that anyone (unless you're a deluded Newcastle fan who is contributing to the extraordinarily shocking riches which the club enjoys and is splashing in the wrong way!) in their right mind would think that someone like Michael Owen who left Liverpool to enjoy success would want to go to a club like Newcastle where there is more of a chance for Rio Ferdinand to become the top scorer of the League, than for Newcastle to actually be competing for major honours, (Though they still have a chance in the FA Cup so maybe I shouldn't be saying that YET.) to be staying there for the next 10 years RIGHT?

And I've also heard that the fact that Souness has been sacked conveniently makes it even easier for Owen to leave because there is apparently some clause in his contract which I do not completely understand, which implies that he can leave if the manager is sacked. He can also leave if they don't qualify for Europe, which looks quite likely. And obviously, if they get relegated. [Seriously, it's apparently written in the clause! So don't ask me!]

So.

I don't really get the point of me typing this post. Just typed it out because I haven't posted in a long long time and because well, I feel that Stevie G shouldn't be taking matters into his own hands too soon. And also, because I think that Owen shouldn't leave Newcastle YET...even though I really want him to come back to Liverpool. It just doesn't feel right. Also, because I don't think it's fair to the Newcastle fans, even though he really should have never gone there in the first place. Also, because I felt like ranting.