A-Z guide for you Scumbags

Alright then you pathetic scumbags. Since you lot desperately expect us to win your Jaguh Kampung for you, here's a bleeding A-Z guide of the team you are rooting for this Sunday.

A is for Agger - He's the delicious Danish. Centre defender also can, left back also can. More importantly, A is for ABU, our lifetime philosophy.

B is for Benitez - He's the fat one in glasses. Unlike Gary Neville, he has a proper goatee. Ego as big as his gut. The best way to get something out of him is to tell him the opposite of what you want.

C is Carragher - He's the one who looks like Jim Carrey. Great defender but totally useless in interviews. Tevez speaks better English than him. By the way, we love Tevez for calling Gary Neville a boot licker. 80% of Guardian reader agrees.


D is for Dirk Kuyt. He's my dickiebird. Really works for his money.

E is for El Zhar. Every now and then, he plays.

F is Fernando Morientes. Bloody handsome. But we blinked and he's gone.

G is for Gerrard. He is a much better looking Russel Crowe. Our captain who is not only handsomer than yours but has bigger balls. Check out the close-ups this Sunday.

(Que Sera Sera)

Steve Gerrard, Gerrard,
He kicks the ball 40 yards,
He's big and his facking hard
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard

Of course, G is GOD aka Robbie Fowler. G is also google him if you are a Manure fan who is still in school.

G is also for Gary and Ginger.

Gary and Ginger.
Together.
Forever.

H is Hyppia. Our lovable Grandpa. He's gone. H is also for Didi Hamann. He's gone too. Love him.

I is for I fecking hetchew, manures.

J is for Jerzy Dudek. He is Liverpool's handsomest goalkeeper and he was magic in Istanbul.

K is for King Kenny Daglish. He has a gorgeous daughter. Should have married Jamie Redknapp, our handsomest captain to date, on account that his real father is the milkman. His cousin, Lampoop, doesn't fare so well in the looks department. (Jamie's and Fat Frank's mother are twins.)

Kevin Keegan. He had the best perm in England back when. Cut an album in late 70s although I've never heard any of his songs.

L is for Lucas. He doesn't look like a Brazilian, doesn't move like a Brazilian, but he's Brazilian. He's the one that picks up the soap for the gaffer. Only Rafa can tell you if he's had a Brazilian wax like Cristina Ronaldo.

M is for Macherano - He's the one with the temper. Curly hair. Hairy too, I suspect. M is also for Steve 'I'd kick my own brother if neccessary' Mekmun, Shabby's favourite pundit.

N is for Ngoq, short for Bongok.

O is for Owen. He used to be our Wonder Boy. Now he's your Sick Boy. You can keep him.

P is Pepe Reina, the botakhead who jaga the goal. Sometimes, he's pepet, sometimes he's phenomenal.

Q is for..err...queue to win as many European cups as us?

R is for Riise. He suffers from OCD. Needs to wipe the ball for a minute before throwing it into the field. Sadly, he's gone. I love him, proof that I don't just watch footie for the blokes. R is also for Riera. But Rafa dowan to friend him anymore.

S is for Skrytel. He looks like a skinhead. He won't be playing though so you better not park anywhere near the stadium.

T is for Torres. He's the one with the flowing blonde locks, freckles, pouty lips and rosy cheeks. Vincent fancies him madly. He's our best striker. Unfortunately for you, he won't be playing on Sunday. hahahahahahahaha

U is for U can focking shut yer gob, Sir Alex.

V is Voronin. He looks like Triple H but bloody useless. Robbie Fowler has scored more goals in one season in Australia than Voronin has for Liverpool.

W is for Wembley where Liverpool beat Chelsea for the Charity Shield (2007?) and Men.United in ..err..2003?

X is we don't give a toss anymore and don't care who wins Jaguh Kampung xcept Manure! (Refer to A above)

Y is Yossi Benayoun, Eyeris look-a-like. He's circumsized, I think. Of course, Y is also for You'll Never Walk Alone. Learn it, love it!

Z is for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I haven't slept since Liverpool lost to that blonde dickhead who looks like a pornstar.

My prediction?

Liv 0 - 3 Chelsea. All own goals.