August 30, 2008

This Just In....

Man versus Zen

Man lost.

The End.

Ps. That's one hell of a volleyball spike, Paul.

August 21, 2008

Gooners Add Vintage Piece to Antique Defenders Collection

NOWHERE NEAR DUBAI: Gooner manager Arse Wanker added yet another valuable antique to his burgeoning collection of vintage antique defenders last night when Mikael "I'm French" Silvestre joined them for a handsome price of 750000 Monopoly dollars from Team MUSA.

Contrary to reports that he only collects mint, virgin under-20-year-old players, Wenger has also shown a keen eye for vintage classic over-30 pieces as well, as Silvestre joins former Chelski player William "Captain Crybaby" Gallas, at the Emirates Airport. Rumour is, they have already booked adjoining beds at the Gooner's treatment room, and are looking forward to some quality Frenching time together there in the near future.

Rumours that Wenger has his eyes set next on highly-valued (by Rafa, that is) Liverpool antique Grampa Hyypia were unfounded at press time, despite much hoping from Liverpool supporters.

In other news, the national English pub side drew 2-2 with a team ranked eighth in the world, the Czech Republic; a remarkable achievement for the pub side, considering they had Emile Heskey in the squad.

August 18, 2008

Team MUSA Stay On Course For Dodgeball Gold Medal

(picture taken from BBC)

NOT BEIJING: Team MUSA's quest for the Olympic dodgeball gold medal continued last night, as they sent out their best under-23 team against the carToon Army who underlined their aspirations to win the EPL by recruiting cartoon superheroes instead of players.

Meanwhile, the French under-23 team also won, title favorites Hull City outclassed Fullofham, dan Torres Datang Lagi Dengan Permainan Goal Yang HEBAT!

The game at Old Trafficlight last night was a fabulous display of world-class dodgeball, the best the Olympics have seen. The highlight came when Paul Scholes, one of several over-30 players in the AManYoocan team, fired an amazing shot straight at Mysterious-virus-carrier Rooney's ass; while Fraizer Campbell headed another amazingly accurate shot at carToon keeper Shay Not-Given-Away's forehead.

Defender Steven Taylor's College also had a good day, taking out several MUSA players with some brilliant kicks to the shins.

In the end, it was the carToon who lost out, as their forward Obefunnyname Martins completely missed a shot at striking out MUSA's keeper by heading wide and into the keeper's goal instead. Fortunately for them, two minutes later, MUSA's Darren Flatchair returned the favour, kicking the ball AWAY from Given instead of at him.

Dumbasses. Don't they know how to play dodgeball properly?


August 14, 2008

Forget Carlsberg. Drink Belgian Beer.

HOEGAARDEN LAND: Liverpool's season is now over, according to esteemed football pundits, as they demonstrated how NOT to lose a game even when there is a penalty awarded against you.

In a land where most of the local beers are much better than Carlsberg, captain Steven Gerrard managed to inspire the team to play like the bench he was sitting on, and was so inspiring that most of the players on the pitch played like a kaki bangku in a kampung football paddy field.

In fact, the game was so exciting overall that I can't even find anymore words to describe it. So I shan't.

In other news, Steve Mclaren made an impressive debut as manager of Twente, continuing his fine England managerial form by losing only 2-0 to Arsenal even without using his umbrella.

August 11, 2008

Team USA Win The Gold Medal Formerly Known as the Charity Shield

A PLACE NOWHERE NEAR BEIJING: Plucky Team USA held on valiantly against a superiorly older Pottymouth team to win the Gold Medal for the Cup Formerly Known As The Charity Shield last night.

They won through penalties after withstanding an onslaught of attacks by the country's most prominent striker (prominent in the sense that he will stick out in a crowd anytime) - Peter Crouch and his little pet Defoe.

The match itself was so spectacular that I could not handle the pressure. so to keep from fallign asleep, I had to keep flipping channels to the Olympics Basketball competition where the NBA All-Star Team were giving Yao Ming and his ragtag Chinese team a lesson on "How to win a game using only slam dunks".

One of the highlights of the game was striker Darren Fletcher attempting to score a spectacular goal by sliding in towards goal and connecting with the ball using his spine; and an attempt by a Pottymouth player to take Carlos Tevez's boots off as a souvenir before the game was over.

When it came down to penalties, the Men.United players were so nervous that they could only net three penalties as compared to the five against Chelski last season; but it was still enough for them to win the series 3-1 as Glen Johnson proved that even former Chelsea defenders are not immune to the John Terry Syndrome.

In other news... fuck Barry. Keep Alonso already.

August 04, 2008

malaysian football, part 151385

Okaylah I know my news is outdated since the Malaysia - Chelsea game was a good one week ago, but some thoughts on the game. Note that since I work in a Hicktown, I did not get to watch the game, but these opinions are based on the millions of blogs that posted pictures, plus the hundreds of match reports and newspaper articles covering the game:

1) Any Malaysian who goes to a game where Malaysia is playing and wears the shirt of the opposition team needs to be shot, hung and castrated. When Manyoo came to town, I wore a yellow shirt. Most reports stated that the stadium was filled with a sea of blue jerseys and most photos I have seen have had a sizeable number of blue shirts in them. Since when were there so many Chelsea fans anyway?! In the 24 years I have existed on this planet, I have only met ONE Chelsea fan.

2) What's even worse than wearing the jersey of the opposition team is the actual cheering of the opposition team. There is nothing wrong with applauding a good goal or a fantastic team play but supporting the team your national squad is playing against is downright treason.

3) Okay this includes Manyoo and even Brazil when they came but I think it has gone to a ridiculous scale with Chelsea. Why do we worship these fuckers who come to our country and don't acknowledge the fans? If they came to sell shirts, then surely the PR needs to be improved. And it is pointless if they come just to play a meaningless game. Any team that wants to come to sell shirts should have some sort of 'technology transfer'. It can either be in the form of a coaching clinic for school kids, a joint training session with the national team players, or a sharing of coaching techniques for our local coaches and managers. What has Malaysian football gained from this circus? NOTHING.

4) I know blogs are supposed to be the 'new media' and shit, but it is fucking ridiculous when companies hire bloggers that know JACK SHITE about football, write rubbish, fucking up a simple football post and wasting a perfectly good opportunity to get an insight into the professional game by asking fucking stupid questions at an interview session.

I am sure Blackburn would be well happy to be acknowledged as the NEW Chelsea, but if you can fuck up such a simple thing like that, you have no business writing about football, much less covering a football event.

FUCK. It's not just that idiot. Why are all the journalists asking such moronic questions. Who doesn't already know Carlo Cuducini's goals for next season? Fucking dumb question, that's what it is. Off the top of my head, a few good questions: Carlo, please describe the Italian set-up for youth football. How were you 'discovered'? Which country do you think has a better youth set-up - Italy or England?

5) Back to the game, instead of saying our guys had a good game, people have been saying that Chelsea 'give chance' since it's ONLY 2-0. Sure give chance one. We suck, you know. We can't possible lose by ONLY two goals. So, if we play like shit, you say it is expected since we suck. If we get a 'good' result, it is because the other team 'gave chance.' FUCK YOU. Why on Earth would anybody want represent the national team? Why would any kid grow up with the dream of donning the national team jersey?

And you people wonder why Malaysian football is in the doldrums....