October 31, 2006

Daddy tak biased...

Last Saturday night, Sheffield United win a penalty after Claude Davis trips over Didier Drogba. Some minutes later, as Paulo Ferreira makes a run down the right and cuts into the channel, the referee awards a goal kick to Sheffield United after Claude Davis bitch-slaps Ferreira and the ball rolls into touch.

Coincidentally, referee Mark Atkinson is from the county of Yorkshire, which is also where the club Sheffield United are based.

Daddy tak biased...

On that same Saturday night, Peter Crouch executes a jump-rope skip move that would impress any 8 year-old schoolgirl. One scouse-loving telly commentator describes it like the goal of the century. I suppose scousers everywhere will claim it looks better than Drogba's chestdown-turn-and-shoot goal against the Scouse, which he repeated against Barca.

Daddy tak biased...

Finally, scientific evidence on the behaviour of match officials.

Daddy tak biased...

October 30, 2006

Excessive Dumbness

You know what? Football is getting a bit too peculiar nowadays.

There seems to be a growing trend of doing excessive celebrations on the pitch when you just happened to score a goal. Take for instance the Chelski-Pompey game. Expensive boy Shevy just happened to score a goal, then maybe he went apeshit because he forgot what it feels like to score a goal y'know, coz its been like.....ages.

So what does he do? He goes bananas and wants to show to people that he REALLY did score a goal, so he goes berserk. What's a poor referee to do? He has to award something for a genuinely touching moment right? Unfortunately, Clattenburg didn't happen to have a trophy on him, so he decided to show a yellow card as a replacement for Best Dramatic Acting. Hey, it's the thought that counts.

You would have thought that any sane player would have learnt that doing excessive goal celebrations = not good. Note the usage of the word 'sane'.

But whadya know? Bollocks, who with his looks can always join the next 'Dumb and Dumber' movie, can't seem to digest such difficult grasp of common sense. Not even two minutes after the first goal was scored, this guy pergi buat benda yang sama lepas score itu gol. Funny, I tell you. He had to share the honours with Shevy. What a cute couple. Pfffbbbtt!

I thought these public acts of dumbness were confined to just the EPL. But wouldn't you believe it, in the Serie A, Marco 'Headbuttee' Materazzi just happened to do the same damn thing when Inter Milan beat AC Milan in it's inter-stadium derby. What makes this funnier than Shevy and Bollocks is that Headbuttee already had gotten a hard-earned yellow card earlier, and the second achievement inevitably lead him off the field early enough to enjoy a private shower.

Soon, this will become a global phenomenon. Remember, you read it first here on Hantubola.

Score Goal. Go Apeshit. Get Yellow. New trend for the new man-boy. Suckers.

I can imagine one fine day that spitting on the field is an instant 50 pound fine, payable instantly via Visa Wave carried by every single player in their underpants.

October 29, 2006

Crouching Fluke, Useless Commentators

I saw Peter Crouch's goal just now.

Finnan sent over a cross that was woefully short. SOMEHOW, all of Aston Villa's defenders failed to clear it, and it SOMEHOW managed to get to Peter Crouch.

Crouch lifts a leg, swings it, and SOMEHOW, manages to clip the ball with his fucking SHIN, and it bounces boing boing boing (ok, maybe a little faster than boing, boing, boing, more like boingboingboing), and it SOMEHOW manages to find its way into the Aston Villa goal.

Damn fluke of a goal if you ask me.

Now, here's the clincher. The commentator then says:






Now, I believe that a goal's a goal, no matter how it's hit. But to say that Crouch TOTALLY MEANT for the ball to clip his shin, and bounce awkwardly into goal like that is just fucking bollocks. A brilliant FLUKE maybe, but brilliant TECHNIQUE? Please lar.

I still fucking HATE Crouch, but somehow he keeps scoring the goals, flukes or no flukes. Maybe I should start hating the whole team as well, then they might start winning for once.

(Somehow, this line of thinking reminds me of that joke about the Man City fan who wanted to become a Man Utd fan just before he dies, because "Better one of THEM dies than one of US". heh.)

Oh well, a win's a win, and Kuyt's goal was fucking brilliant. the build up to Garcia's goal as well. Oh, but I still think it's time to put Hyypia to pasture. (ok, so he created Kuyt's goal, but heck, the fella just can't seem to keep up with ANY of the strikers in the EPL anymore.)

PS: Speaking of commentators, What else is Jamie Yeo good for on Football Extra besides giving (the mostly male) viewers some boobs to look at, and popping up occasionally with golden nuggets of football knowledge like "Now, lets take a break and show you how YOU can win some great prizes", "Malaysian Airlines flies to yadayada three, four, five times a day", and "Welcome back toFootball Extra with me and Jien"?

Oh yeah, boobies conquers all. Yay.


The Magpies are not playing well these days. Well, that's an understatement. Watching the games are akin to stuffing durians up the ass, and pulling them out. And stuffing them back in again. Followed by licking the durian skin. Arrgghghhh!

Thankfully amidst the pain and suffering, there's some relief.

Thank goodness for small favours. -_-

(Not Andy Panders la, you faggots... Charlie Webster is hawt!)

October 28, 2006

Seen at Anfield canteen

This week’s rotation

Peter Crouch – Can do the robot dance to break opposition’s concentration

Robbie Fowler, Craig Bellamy, Jermaine Pennant
– Can bash the opposition anytime they come near the goal

Mark Gonzales - Because he's cute and he looks like a young Morientes and he'd better play a few times before we transfer him to the girl's squad

Steven Gerrard
– Distract opposition with his ‘something about mary’ haircut
John Arnie Riise – Distract opposition by stripping to his grey underwear
Xabi Alonso – Distract opposition by kissing them on the mouth
Mohammed Sissoko – Should play better now that puasa is over

Jersey Dudek
Pepet Reina

Dudek can do the up and down dance to distract opposition’s goal keeper while Pepet throws the ball in

There: 4-4-2. We are going to win the title!

Rafa Benitez, Rick Parry, anonymous mole from the BOD , Harry Kewell (since he does sod all anyway), Grandpa Hyppia

October 27, 2006

Long Time No Poll

Let's do a quick one over the weekend. Who will win this season's sack race?

Create polls and vote for free. dPolls.com

Of course, if you have a different candidate in mind then let us know in the comments section.


October 26, 2006

Headline of the Day

Kewell sidelined until early 2007

Just in time for the Carling Cup final, eh?

I suppose a whole bunch of scousers are upset that their "star player" won't be able to contribute during the group stages of Champions League and the ultra-packed holiday fixtures. Then again, maybe not.


October 23, 2006



Who needs chicken rendang now when you can have something better?

October 22, 2006


Yo, Benitez, start taking notes:

  • Hyypia is past it. Once Agger gets fit, play him with Carragher. Or try out that Argentinian kid you bought.
  • FUCKING DROP REINA. Even DUDEK could do better, and that's not saying much.
  • Mark Gonzales and Luis Garcia? Fucking fancypants who couldn't do anything right. FUCKING DROP THEM.
  • The lone striker thing? FUCKING STOP USING IT. You've finally got FOUR strikers, FUCKING USE THEM.

I never thought I'd fucking say this, but Man Utd deserved their win.

Because Liverpool SUCKED.

Now, laugh it up and FUCK OFF.

Sir Alex's prayer

It is now almost an hour before the much awaited Manchester United vs. Livvypoo game.

So much history. So much tradition. So much ruckus.

Sir Alex knows how important it is to start off some peace-loving campaign so that no one gets injured. Come on now, we all love a little peace now don't we?

So in the spirit of the ongoing DeepaRaya, let us join Sir Alex in his prayer;

"Dear ol' Football Gods in the land of the EPL,
let us Red Devils play our best,
let us play in peace,
every goal we score is sweet,
every tackle we make is deemed fair,
Old Trafford is the best,
everyone knows that,
so as for the visiting Scousers,
please make them leave our toilets smelling like fresh air"


October 20, 2006


I haven't posted in a while, so perhaps today is an auspicious day for one.

I could moan about Cech and Cudicini being injured, but Hilario was fairly decent against Barcelona. I could gloat about the Barca match, but we are playing them again in November and that Karma bitch might be watching me. I could say something about tomorrow's home game against Portsmouth, but again Karma might come back to bite me in the backside.

So in the end, I think I will just say this:

Fuck you-lah Mike Riley, apa chup-chup?!

Happy Diwali and Eid Mubarak to everyone, may the light of joy always accompany your good health and prosperity. Even Mike Riley's.

Keep The Blue Flag Flying High!

October 18, 2006

6 Steps To Winning in Russia

So another freezing night in Russia, another poor result for us...

The trend of losing to Russian teams apart from Chelsea is quite worrying for us. Pardon the pun, but I think the youngsters had cold feet. Since we've not won in Russia in three attempts, perhaps Arsene Wenger should adopt the following strategies if we ever visit up there again.

1. Training to be conducted at Genting Highlands Winter Wonderland.

2. Halftime team talk to be held in a sauna.

3. Lace the home team's subs bench with cold water - Watching their manager's arse stuck to his seat is bound to negatively affect the opposition's morale.

4. Strategically place poster's of warm-climate tourist destinations (specifically, Brazil) in the home team's locker room. This is also to be followed up by placing heat radiotors under the seats of the imports to remind them of what they're missing. This will eventually lead to a mass exodus of South American players, spearheaded by the unfortunately named Vagner Love.

5. Ditch the leopard-skin thong underwear - Oops! This only applies to Liverpool...

6. Pray for all Russian games to be called off due to a freak once-in-a-lifetime year-long blizzard. Subsequently, all European cup games is to be held at the opposition's home ground for both legs.

October 17, 2006

Overheard on Oprah

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: Today, we have with us, the sexiest man in England, the Brad Pitt of soccer, the cutie with the golden balls and pink nails, the reason women watch soccer and the one who brought metrosexuality to the public. Here issssssssss…

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: Daaaaaaaaaaaavid Beckham

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

(Oprah and Beckham kissy kissy)
Oprah: Nice to finally meet you David. OMG! You are soooooooooo cute! Isn't he girls?

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Beckham: (stuttering, squeaky voice throughout.) Err..Nice to meet you err.... Oprah.

Oprah: So, is it true you are coming to America to further your soccer career?

Beckham: Err...actually...you know..

Oprah: Did you hear that? David Beckham is coming to America girls! Soccer will be even more of a girls' sport in our land!

Audience: Fake orgasmic screaming!

Oprah: I would have thought though, with your looks and your flair for metrosexuality fashion sense, you'd be better off on the catwalk. Or even in the movies. Is that in the pipeline?

Beckham: Err..you know...I wouldn't err...say no, you know? In fact..

Oprah: I love your nails by the way

Beckham: Cheers. I'm also wearing err..matching frilly knickers..you know..

Oprah: You are not like any other sportsmen are you? You are not even like any other men, are you?

Beckham: Actually..Oprah.. I've always felt..err..real men..should get in touch with his..err..inner female...innit?

Oprah: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. The soccer fans in England have really gone to town on you, haven't they? They say you are more interested in sponsorhip deals and making a name for your brand Beckham. That you are more into fame than your football career, that you'd rather be on the catwalk and in the limelight, that you are a publicity hungry gay boy..what the English so eloquently terms a wanker.....What do you have to say to that David?

Beckham: Err..actually... Oprah...you know..

Oprah: You know..when the producers showed me your clippings..I shared them with my friend, Dr Phil.. You know Dr Phil?

Beckham: Err..is this Dr Phil as cute as Nate Birkin?

Oprah: Err..Dr Phil is a straight shooter. Anyway, Dr Phil said you display the classic symptoms of are man who is throughly pussywhipped by his wife..

(Oprah turns to her audience) David is married to Victoria of the Spice Girls, did you know that?

Audience: Huh?? Victoria who?? Hesitant clapping.

Oprah: Anyway, Dr Phil concluded that you are at her beck and call, that you are the one wearing the sarong in your family...that you are a wuss..that you deserve to be dropped from the England squad..How do you feel about all that, David?

Beckham: err...I called Tom Cruise and he says err..I forgot..something about science..

Oprah: Victoria is the more dominant partner in your relationship, isn't she? Do you feel society doesn't understand your family's role reversal?

Beckham: Err..actually I don't understand what dominant and role reversal mean..I will have to ask..err...Brooklyn innit?

Oprah: My question, David, is Victoria the man in your family?

Beckham: Owh..yeah..definitely! Definitely!

Oprah: Does it make you angry? Do you feel it's unfair? Does it make you feel less of a man? Does it David?

Beckham: (Sobs) I'm afraid so ..
But I've always had..you know... gay tendency innit? Is that so wrong..?

Oprah: There..there..there's no shame in wanting to be a woman, David. Christiano is doing just that and he's still at your old club..

(Oprah turns to her audience while Becks is being consoled by Nate Birkin)

Speaking of Christiano Ronaldo - the soccer player who's redefined the term 'Sensitive New Age' guy..

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

Oprah: Sweet isn't he, girls? Don't you just want to pat his head and wipe the snot off his nose?

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww..

Oprah: Anyway, David revealed to me, when we had dinner with Tom Cruise and Katie the other night, that he and Chistiano are making the Brokeback Mountain 2 over the summer. Here are some clippings.

Audience: Eeeeuwweeeeuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

October 16, 2006

let's start with the excuses

Eyeris 'You know, you would think that a blog with 11 contributors would be able to have daily updates..'

Vincent 'Aiyah, busy la...I ran out of insults already..'

Folks, it is that time of the season when the vultures start circling. It's far enough into the season to not be able to use the excuse of 'just warming uplah'. Players and managers are scruntinised, and the underperforming ones need to buck up, or at least come up with a better excuse than, 'We need to practice squad rotation so that the gay boy millionaires aren't overworked' or 'There was a hole in the ground, and the ball just bounced up'.

And so, we rounded up a bunch of buta gaji millionaires and demanded to know why they weren't working their ass off for the money they are paid. This is what they had to say:

Fat Frank 'For some reason, my deflections don't seem to be as effective as they were last season'

Wayne Rooney 'I have been busy with my book. In fact, I have been writing about my dip in form'

Alan Pardew 'I don't understand what those two Argies are talking about'

Carlos Tevez '¿Qué el jefe dice?'

Javier Mascherano 'Ninguna idea sangrienta, tengo un puta inglés'

Craig Bellamy 'F****** RUBBISH! I didn't assault any women!'

Pepe Reina 'You have to admit, the Everton goal was funny!'

Steve Mclaren 'You have to realise that most of the England squad aren't good at Math. They didn't understand my 3-5-2, 3-2-1-3 and 3-1-1-2-1-2. That's actually the main reason I dropped Becks'

And what I imagine happened later.........
Eyeris 'Eh, not THAT funny la..'

Vincent 'Yah, I know...but my brains were wrecked from the delirium of being able to laugh at you when Pool drew on Saturday'

Alright, 'fess up now! Which of you myiopic people said that Liverpool would be main title contenders??!

October 14, 2006

Which is the funniest?

Not too long after the Comedy Country performance lately, with everyone absolutely guffawing over the 'freak goal' let in by Paul Robinson, I happened to chance across an interesting picture of the incident today at Soccernet.

I actually laughed multiple times when I saw this picture. Could it be,

a) The ball actually HAD to bounce OVER the poor keeper's foot when the keeper just HAD to do a SWEEPING clearance?

b) The priceless Kodak moment?

c) The ballerina posing nature of the Croat player in front of goal?

d) They just HAD to show Borat on the advertising boards at that EXACT moment of the match?

The next time England plays Jamaica, Ali G is going to score. RESTECPA!

October 12, 2006

Early Morning Chuckles

Early in the morning, open Guardian, see this headline:

Croatia 2 - 0 England

*Chuckle chuckle chuckle*

Open Soccernet, saw this:

Comedy in Croatia

Oh ho ho ho.

then I open Football365, saw THIS picture:

(pix of Paul "Take it from the Bitch, Give it to the Croats" RobinHood from Football365)

And this paragraph:

Robinson was caught out by a routine backpass from Gary Neville, which hit a bobble and ended up in the back of the net after the Tottenham goalkeeper swung and missed his attempted clearance.

And finally this headline:

McClaren: 'We Will Qualify'


I pity anyone who woke up at 3am to kononnya 'saport' Engrand. Now excuse me, I want to go and buy 4D, Magnum and Da Ma Cai for the number 0352.

October 11, 2006

A Lame Imagined Conversation Before an England match

Overheard in the England dressing room before the Croatia game:

McLaren: SHUT UP YOU LOT! Now, for tonight's game, We've all gotta have PASSION! PASSION, YA HEAR ME?
Downing: That's what you told us last time at Boro', but you still got us playing like dead fish.
McLaren: I said SHUT UP! Sven is gone, so you're gonna do it MY WAY, OK?!?!? MY WAY!!!
G. Neville: We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way.
Parker: I'm playing for England again!!!
Lampard: Do I get to wear my invisibility cloak again tonight?
McLaren: You won't need to this time. We're playing 2-7-1, Roo-Roo up front on his own, because I think he still has his touch...
McLaren: .... so Lamps, we'll have so many midfielders on that you won't need your invisibility cloak to disappear this time. Besides, you never do anything anyway.
Lampard: But then I won't get to sneak long shots at spectators in Row Q anymore! WAAA
McLaren: Well, At least you've got Stevie G to help you, eh Stevie? Stevie?
Carragher: He's gone home, boss.
McLaren: Oh. Never mind, so now it's your turn to shine, Lamps! eheh, geddit? Lamps? Shine? Geddit?
Rooney: GAHAHAHA! THE BOSS SO FUNNY ME LIKE! I'm putting that in my new book next month!
G. Neville: We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way.
Parker: I'm playing for England again!!!
Cole: Wait, I read somewhere we're gonna be playing 5-5-2? or is it 6-4-2? 8-3-2? OR 7-5-2?
Terry: There's only gonna be eleven of us on the pitch, Ash.
Cole: Oh.
G. Neville: We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way. We will do it HIS way.
Parker: I'm playing for England again!!!
Beckham: Crap.



Tigerjoe has a better and not so lame one he posted in the comments that I'm reposting here....

McLaren: *clears throat* Let's start the pre-match briefing, then. Sit down, Crouchy.
Crouch: I AM sitting down.
Ferdinand: *on mobile* Wait ah boss, my TV producer on the line.
Terry: *frowns*
Rooney: *on mobile* England got half ball? OK, OK, I take! 500 quid please.
Carragher: *taps Rooney's shoulder* Half ball izit? I oso take lah. I want 500 quid too.
Terry: *frowns*
McLaren: You wankers are betting on our match? Which bookie is that?!
Rooney: Atcherly, it's Owen on the line.

October 10, 2006

Can you please NOT show England matches?

Dear Astro Programming Director (& Sports Programming Dept),

I would like to register my protest on the unmerited attention you people give to the England football team.

How could you show us a 0-0 bore draw from the slum that is Manchester, when on the same evening there were six (6) goals scored in Cardiff, seven (7) in Nicosia, and the cheese-eating 2006 World Cup final losers were losing yet another match in Glasgow?! How could you? How dare you?!

Let's not even consider the seven goals Croatia and the Czechs scored on Saturday night, while the rest of us suffered 90 minutes of tedium watching Peter Crouch chase corner flags whilst Stuart Downing was trying to emulate Steven Gerrard's trademark "over mountain, over sea" shot a.k.a cross a.k.a long pass to buddy in stadium carpark. After all, the Croats and Czechs were playing Andorra and San Marino, respectively. Then again, I would have paid an extra subscription to Astro just to see some goals that evening. By anyone, Against any team.

You people need to learn that just because the English Premier League is loads of fun and excitement, it does not mean that the English national team is the same. In the EPL, we have players from all over the world to provide the fun and excitement. With the English national team, we only get a bunch of Englishmen.

If you people ever needed a hint, the England manager has been quoted as saying he is suspicious of the word "entertainment". Howzat?

Come on lah dey, I can understand that you want to show matches involving "big teams" in order to draw a bigger audience. On the same token, do you understand that your audience need to see goals, or in lieu of goals, some excitement during a match? Where was the excitement during that match between England and Macedonia?

I hope you pick better matches to show on Thursday morning. If you persist with the England match, you better hope they get trounced 7-0. Or that Lampard and Terry both score hattricks and the match finishes 6-6. Three deflected goals and three majestic headers from corners / freekicks during a match, now I'd pay to see that. Not that it would happen in an England match.

Astro, home of England konon. Tiu. Podah!

Up yours,
Joe R.

October 09, 2006

You know it's a REALLY slow week in football...

...when on the Guardian website, amid more whining and moaning from the England team, and among headlines like these:
You also get THIS earth-shattering news:

Singapore coach calls for mental steel against Iraq

What next, Malaysian Cup football news on ESPN? Malaysia boleh!

Ok, back to Football Manager...

October 07, 2006

Football + Books

I don't know many people who read football books. I think that's really tragic. I don't know a lot of people who read books actually. Which is even sadder. I don't mean that those people are sad, by the way. It's just sad that they don't like to read.

To a certain extent, it is totally understandable. Seeing book after book about David Beckham is enough to make anyone NOT want to read a football book if glossy pages with distasteful pictures is all we're going to get. And unfortunately, that seems to be just about the ONLY football subject our local bookstores can think of when they decide which football books they actually want to sell. [And for the record, I've read two of David Beckham's autobiographies. Blame boredom and convenience since one of them belonged to my BEST friend and the other, my neighbour. The writing is shocking though. Worse than Dan Brown's or J. K. Rowling's. Though I don't think that anyone who buys a Beckham book is really in for the literature.] One day when I grow older, I'm going to have a book store that only sells football books. Real football books.

Quality football books are extremely rare, but that applies to books in general too. It's so hard to find books in which the writer actually has something original to contribute to the discussion of an issue, because 99% of what some of these writers write about are things we already know of and can be readily obtained through the internet. Really makes me wonder why some people are finding it hard to get published with the kind of crap we have on the market. There are even some books that are duplications of each other but worded differently. Seriously, do these people think the readers are THAT stupid?

My first introduction to football literature - John Keith's "The Essential Shankly" - was the one that set about almost ridiculous standards for all the ones I was later exposed to. [Of course, thanks to the great Sic, who is really intelligent when he isn't busy getting drunk or being sick, I realised that what made it interesting was not so much the quality of the writing, or the subject matter of the book, but the fact that John Keith was very close to Shanks, and therefore, got a lot of his stuff first hand.] I think I forgot to mention earlier that though I do like reading, I don't get to read a lot and am a terrible reader - because of this obsessive habit I have of paying too much attention to the technical aspects of the writing and not the strength of the 'story' itself, which often leads to a loss of interest about halfway through.

As weird as it sounds, I like reading football books because of this interest I have in the subjectivity of 'truth' and especially the reliability of 'points-of-view'. Having read the excellent book written by Phil Scraton, "Hillsborough : The Truth" [which is one book I think non-Liverpool fans should read too. Particularly if you're really interested in the social and political aspects of football] many years ago, I find it strange that it took one of those not-really-worth-reading books like Gerrard's very creatively titled "My Autobiography" to make me think about point-of-views in football books. [Okay, you can stop reading here!]

In football autobiographies, I think that the choice of the ghost writer is really important [Though God knows why these people are coming up with autobiographies when they're hardly at the peak of their careers and have hardly won anything grand like the World Cup] because an autobiography is supposed to reveal the person's personality and character, and whether or not they like it - or care - a lot of people will judge them according to the kind of impression they get from the manner in which they are portrayed. I think Owen had a very good ghost writer [has anyone actually read the normal articles Paul Hayward writes? I can't find a more original football writer around, though I think Lilyliverbird should write Owen's next one so she can scandalise his life a bit =p], and he came across as suitably boring and very skema-ish. He spent half the book defending himself though, which got a bit tiring after a while.

While I think that Henry Winter is an excellent football writer that I can never even hope to be able to emulate, I think he failed to portray Gerrard in a very positive manner, and was especially unsuccessful in delivering the promise at the back of the book. ["Steven Gerrard's book is the definitive football autobiography. Like its subject, it's honest, passionate and exhilarating. If Steven Gerrard isn't your hero yet, by the time you've read this he will be ... " what a stupid thing to write on the cover of a book!] It's still definitely better than most football autobiographies, but I think that Robbie Fowler's one is the best I've read so far. [I still have one sitting on my shelf though. Nobby Stiles' book. So I might just change my mind later] It feels like he's personally telling you the story of his life and he really lacks the kind of subtle pretensions that are evident in most modern footballers as derived from the tone of the ghost writer's portrayal of these people. And he definitely has the kind of mature perspective none of the other players have because they're too young and not far enough in their careers to possess that even though it's obvious that his opinion of certain people was severely tempered by certain unfortunate events.

Obviously, like in all books, even the less narrowly defined ones, there is a lack of balanced perspective since everything is written from their own point-of-view, which is often heavily influenced by personal prejudices, etc. [Even writers who claim to be writing comprehensively about something subconsciously sieve through thousands of arguments and only include those which correspond with theirs.] So some football autobiographies actually provide an exhibition of exactly why footballers are not celebrated as some of the brightest minds alive. The extracts from Ashley Cole's autobiography proved exactly that. Having a go at referees - and naming the ones you like and don't as well - while you still have quite a few years to go [like Gerrard did] is surely an invitation for stupid decisions in the future. [We didn't need Gerrard to tell us that Mike Riley is a kayu ref, but he stupidly 'wrote' about why he doesn't like Mike Riley.]

If you had suspected that these footballers are only writing autobiographies because they want to get more money, then I think that reading the book will make you realise exactly how self-absorbed and insecure they are. If they don't hear you singing their name, they think you don't care and hand in a transfer request. A contradictory account of how clubs like Real Madrid, Roma, Chelsea, etc were chasing them and how their agent was actually in contact with these clubs is nicely sandwiched between two claims that they "can never think of leaving the club" and how they will "never be tempted to leave the club". And since they're honest enough to announce what kind of results they used to get in school, maybe I shouldn't have expected that much in the first place. Sometimes though, I find it highly amusing how they expect readers to be so simple-minded that they have to spell out the obvious for them.

p/s: I hope nobody fell asleep reading that, if anyone actually bothered reading that in the first place. I must really try to post shorter posts.

p/p/s: Has anyone actually read any good football books? I'm always up for trying any, but since I'm a very poor student, I have to save for quite long to buy books so I would appreciate any recommendations. I would especially like to read non-Liverpool related books. Has anyone actually read "El Diego"? [Naz?] I heard he wrote that himself and that it's pretty good.

October 06, 2006



(he probably calls for pizza delivery at the same time as well)

(one bloody starfish kick and a few goals against Andorra and he thinks he's God)


Football365 was right. This IS the most BORING week in the history of football. It's all so boring I'm not even going to post any links. Go look for it yourself.

I think I'll go play Football Manager.

October 05, 2006

Football + Food

If you watch a football match with me, you'll either feel like wringing my neck out of frustration while getting some excellent practice at throwing dagger shots...or you'll just think that I'm plain weird and might just become patronisingly amused.

No, I don't watch football for the guys and spend the entire game giving you an exclusive commentary of which footballer has the best legs, bod, face. [More like the opposite really. Stuff like, "OMG XXX IS SO UGLY LAR! HOW CAN SHE THINK HE'S CUTE?"] Instead, I keep thinking about food all the time [well, you always need to find a way to merge your favourite things] and um, always form weird associations between the footballers and food or animals. [Depends on how highly I rate the player, really.]

This strange habit started back in the days when Liverpool's brand of football was well, mundane and one-dimensional to say the least. Defensive defensive defensive. It was sometimes so depressing that the ONLY thing you can think about is food [or whatever it is that YOU think about when you're down], because if you didn't, you might have a bit of trouble trying to overcome that overwhelming desire to SLAP those players when they're lounging around the field like llamas. So anyway, EVERYONE loves chocolate chip cookies, and I used to crave chocolate chip cookies EVERY TIME I was watching those games [if you know me well enough, I'm always craving SOMETHING] that I started to come up with silly chocolate chip cookie names for virtually half the team. [Owen is too good for chocolate chip cookies though, right, Lily? Hahaha I'm just kidding, but Owen never got a chocolate chip cookie name, he was always Walker's Owen and Cheese.]

One of the very first chocolate chip cookie names I came up with was Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie for Dudek.

Look at that picture and tell me you don't start dreaming of After Eight mints or any sort of mint chocolate with green packaging!

One of the reasons why I thought of mint for Dudek was because he always wears the same green Liverpool jersey and it just makes me think of mint chocolate. Also, look at this picture. The colour of Dudek's hair is the same as the chocolate! RIGHT?

Then, one day, I was watching this game and suddenly noticed that Xabi Alonso's hair reminds me of tangerine. [I can't really find a picture that proves that though! You just have to stare really hard. Which I know, will be a really weird thing to do if you're a guy. So just take my word for it. =p] So even though I don't think such a flavour exists, he's Tangerine Chocolate Chip Cookie.

I've been told countless of times that I should open a chocolate chip cookie shop because of all these weird flavours I keep coming up with. [Unfortunately, I'm only good at eating.] Some are really boring and transparent though. Florent Sinama-Pongolle was Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookie, Hyypia is Buttercream Chocolate Chip Cookie, I think, because his hair is so pale it's almost white, Danny Murphy was Peach Chocolate Chip Cookie because he was always bald and his bald spot is a little pinkish, so I always think of peaches when I see any images of him, etc.

Of course, sometimes it's just impossible for you to think of any chocolate chip cookie flavours for any of the players, so people like Gerrard remind of other desserts [coz desserts are the best and worst kinds of cravings to have]. Gerrard, by the way, reminds me of cream puffs all the time.

It's the wrinkles, really. Plus, all the cream makes cream puffs richer than they actually are. And we all know what kind of player Steven Gerrard is. [The only reason why I put up an England picture is because that's the only one I can find with the wrinkles being really obvious.] My sister once asked me why Gerrard never went for botox coz she thinks her wrinkles are really bad. [She's not a football fan] Well, take a look at his fiancee and you'll see why. ;) And it's the cream that she wants out of this cream puff too.

And you know, the other day, I was watching the Community Shield game and everything was fine until they decided to display Diarra's first name VERY PROMINENTLY. EVERYONE knows that ANYTHING can set off any type of craving for me. I probably look at ants and start craving for jelly beans or something. I know, I'm very very weird, you don't have to tell me. And if you didn't already know, Diarra's first name happens to be LASSANA. And so I spent the rest of the game HAVING THIS CRAZY CRAVING FOR LASAGNE!!!!!!!

Thankfully, the Liverpool players were not in the mood to be generous [;)] enough to concede any more goals that would lengthen that game further and decided to put me out of my misery. Because I don't know about everyone else, but whenever I get a bad craving, I HAVE TO SLEEP. Or I'll just keep dreaming and thinking of lasagne until the thought that I CANNOT have any, especially at such an hour, drives me absolutely nuts. Unsurprisingly, my friends think I'm probably mentally obese. And they wouldn't be wrong either, since I think of food ALL the time. [No, I don't think I have any eating problems or issues with my weight.] But I think it's definitely BETTER than watching football and admiring the 'cute' guys that aren't even cute.

Of course, sometimes, when I'm not too busy thinking of food and how a certain player looks like some sort of food that might set off yet another craving, I think of even more bizzare things. Has anyone noticed that Luis Garcia doesn't look like a skinny, deprived ape who should be fed lots of chocolate cake and instead bears a remarkable resemblance to a less hairy, black Scottish terrier? His hair is exactly the same shade as the fur of a Scottish Terrier!!!

You might think that I'm just being a girl, but trust me, you won't find a girl who cares less about hair, fashion and shopping than me. Can't seem to find a recent picture of Garcia's hair though but I know that it used to be so flappy and annoying I was always tempted to snip off his greasy hair for him because I was so sure it would obscure his vision and maybe that's why he kept losing the ball and scoring accidental goals. Seriously, what's wrong with a boring haircut like Gerrard's? [Though now there is this strange rectangular flap thing. That must be the reason why he hasn't been scoring. While we're at it, someone should go trade all of Gonzalez's -who looks like a cross between a chicken and a penguin - hair gel in for more important things - like food - that people in Africa and other such countries are desperate for.] It's safe and there is less of a chance that you'll appear like a wild, dishevelled animal.

Unfortunately though, all these animal linking don't exactly evoke the best memories. I remember remarking that Rio Ferdinand looks like a turkey and HE JUST HAD TO SCORE RIGHT AFTER THAT!!! Grrrr. Most of the time though, it seems to be a pretty effective motivation tool, even though I'm sure the players never realise people think those things of them, and probably can't care less either with the kind of money they're on.

So Eyeris, you sure you want me to blog more often?

**Forgot to mention that the reason why you might feel like killing me whenever I say any of the above is because whenever I insult a player from the opposition team [like in Ferdinand's case], they always go ahead and score. So you'll wish that I would shut up my mouth until the game is over, at least!

**And how could I have left out PETER CROUCH THE ELONGATED ROGER RABBIT??

It's Puasa Time Again

It's almost halfway through the puasa month here in Malaysia, although me i tak puasa (puasa malam only), i suppose Naz and Din are the two Hantus that are fasting (s-kay sudah mula practice ke?)

Anyway, footy goes on in the UK and European countries, thank god. anyways, for those not familiar with what you can and cannot do during Ramadhan fasting, you're suppose to refrain from food and drink from sun up to sun down. Here's a rough guide of the DON'Ts:

No display of public affection. The straight kind or otherwise.

Must properly dressed, tutup aurat (cover navel to knees for men).

No, I'm serious! You can't!

No gawking at improperly dressed women (or men).

No eating and drinking in public, arak is out of the question naturally... (no wasting food and drink either.)

Don't raise your voice or temper unnecessarily...

Fighting also cannot la.

Generally, it's time to be sopan santun, don't a f*#$* all round cash-faced jerk... (like i said, I'm NOT fasting).

To our Muslim friends, selamat berpuasa.

October 04, 2006


Apparently, Ms Becky WeedyVoice Beckham is thinking of joining some Red Bull Soccer team in the US.

Effing pratt. Who in their right mind goes to US to further their footballing career?

Didn't Brooklyn, the only member of that family who can read, tell his daddy there's already a US team in England?

Sheesh..if you want fame so much, why don't you just go and do porn already and join the ranks of Lampoop, Dyer and Ferdinand? (Lampoop was the real wanker in that one innit?)

And Roy Keane had the audacity to say Owen has let fame goes to his head. And that Beckham is not like that. WTF????

Are you having a tin bath?

Bloody effing bollocks!

October 02, 2006


Turn on laptop. Double click on IE icon. Click on Favourites - Hantubola.


No crowing post from Din or Vincent one?

I wished they'd put one up.

In my entire life, I have never seen such a gutless display of ineptitude from Newcastle.

Really. I really wish Manure had whipped our asses 10 - 0.

Sigh. But Manure and Christina just wasn't good enough.

October 01, 2006

When's the Next Game at Anfield?

Every season, there is ALWAYS one Liverpool game I always dread.

It's not Everton vs Liverpool
It's not Chelsea vs Liverpool
It's not Arsenal vs Liverpool
It's not Man Utd vs Liverpool

It's fucking BOLTON vs Liverpool.

ESPECIALLY when it's at the Reebok Stadium. We NEVER seem to get a result there.

Bah. Another three away points gone. When's the next home game?