March 31, 2006

the new comedy club

Is Birmingham City FC the new comedy club?

I do wonder, especially since:
  1. Their matches are usually over after 15 minutes.
  2. Their club chairman and manager only have conversations through the media.
  3. Their fans believe that they are a big club. Bigger than Aston Villa even.
  4. Their top striker is affectionately known as The Donkey.
  5. Even a team with strikers who couldn't score in a brothel put seven past their defence.
I still demand to know why Birmingham are in the Premiership. It would have been more fun to have Norwich City around; at least that aunty is funny when she's had a few drinks.


[photos taken from The Guardian Gallery]

March 30, 2006


I'm sure everyone has been waiting for the results of the caption contest. Yes, we did say the winner would be announced last week, but there was an unforeskin technical problem. *hic*

You see, the judges decided that since we'd gotten so many people to wreck their brains for an original and funny caption, the least we could do was to make sure the prize would be worth it. So we went out testing dirrefent beverages to ensure its worthiness as a prize. *hic*

After the judges had tested as many berevages as possible, we then set out to actually pick a winner. *hic* There was some difficulties here, as one judge felt that there were no winning entries, whilst another reckoned theprizeoftwopints should be split among the judges instead. *hic* Of course, that last idea kinda sunk itself when everyone realised that it's hard (and somewhat pai seh) to spilt two pints between three people.

In hindsight, I'm not even sure why we had to test the quality of berevages when the prize was two pints of the winner's choice of beregave. For all we knew, the winner could be some kid who wanted fooking green fanta or something like that. *hic*

So yeah, *hic* that was what happened. *hic*

I think I'm forgetting something *hic* here, but I donch know what... *hic* oh, right. The contets vinner.

The *hic* winner of the caption contets is Kay, with this *hic* swort and sheet entry:

alamak, salah parking

Kay may claim the prize *hic* whenever convenient. As for everyone else, youse did well but *hic* didn't come away with fool points at the final whistle. Youse may claims your consolation drink at the next HantuBola garething. *hic*


March 29, 2006

Young Alan Shearer

Took this from a newspaper in the UK recently. I was thinking about putting it up on my blog, but seeing that things are kinda slow here today (plus, no one visits my blog anyway), I might as well put it up here.

By the way, it's the kid on the left. The bloke on the right is Mighty Mouse (or King Kev), in case you fail to realise it.


Oh yeah, what happened to the captions competition results? Judges must have finished all two jugs by themselves, greedy &#^&%@! It's not fair to raise our hopes, make us wait... Then... Nothing! Pfffbbbrrtt! We've been taken for a ride.

March 27, 2006

mister k

I recall posting this in the comments section:

March 9, 2006: 1.53 pm- Karma smarma. All a bunch of hooey.

I am now contrite and humble. Cowed by karma. Beaten, kicked, spat upon... On the receiving end of an atomic wedgie by mister k. I am sorry sir, please accept my most sincere and humble apologies [falls prostrate on floor includes a pinch of grovelling as well + a small whimper]. I will never mock you again.

Take a look at the Toon's latest results:

Manure 2 : Toon 0 (March12, 2006)
Toon 1: Hub Cap Stealers 3 (March 19, 2006)
Special One's Divers 1: Toon 0 (March 22, 2006)
Charlton 3: Toon 1 (March 26, 2006)

*&#%@^#&. Will it never end? Sigh. Please la, I beg you la. Show a little sympathy la mister k. I will burn you some char siew and siew yuk if you decide to stop punishing us la. Bak kut teh also can, if you want.

Mister k's punishing is not confined to the results alone. Sigh. Damn vicious fella man, mister k. Michael Owen also 'ng fong ko' (translation: tidak lepas).

He costs us a lot of money, okay. Sitting on his hugely expensive ass and twidling his thumbs. GBP17 million can buy a lot of strikers from Malaysia and Indonesia. Hell, we can buy all the strikers in the Malaysian Super League and have change to spare for bungs.

The Hub Cap Stealers can have him back. I am sick of his metatarsal and England hopes. How does him farting around in a white and red jersey benefit us? I think this is mister k's work again. Must be payback for selling Jonathan Woodgate to Real.

I will never mock mister k, ever again. If the Toon wins this weekend, I'll buy you a drink. Deal mister k?

March 25, 2006

I'm so ashamed that I'll go support Forest Green instead...

I feel so ashamed of myself.

We got this sobering comment in the last post:

Dude, u guys blog great, without questions, but can u guys play ball as good as u blog? And I mean football, not that fucking goddamn futsal. Or are u guys just geeks behind the screen. I wanna know. U guys think its so easy. And if u guys think u're pundits, sorry but this is just a big fan blog with crazy major club fans who thinks its so goddamn easy. I don't see a Dags & Reds fan in the bloggers. Maybe it's still about the fame. And don't mock any professional personnels. try taking their place. Think about it. Nerds.

And it made us cry.


Because it's true.

  • We should never have passed ourselves off as a 'serious football blog'.
  • We should never have thought of giving 'serious football punditry'.
  • We should not have made fun of Shebby Singh.
  • We should have payed more attention to the football lessons during our Pendidikan Jasmani classes and not go play futsal instead.
  • We should have thought of all the shit professional personnels (sic) go through deciding what to do with their money.
  • We shouldn't spend so much time in front of the computer becoming nerds and should have GONE AND PLAY SOME FOOTBALL GODAMMIT.
  • We should be geeks IN FRONT of the screen, not BEHIND it
  • We should all go and support Kettering Town and Boston United instead, Liverpool and Man Utd be damned.

I'm sorry to all those who came here looking for professional football punditry and wound up being disappointed by our crazed fanboy chants, fame-fueled ranting, over-enthusiastic REFEREE KAYU cusses, and inane mamak talk.

My fellow Hantu Bola, we should not be like that. We must change ourselves!!!!!

After all, if we want to be taken seriously, we shouldn't be
  • using all that foul language
  • yelling REFEREE KAYU all the time
  • posting stupid pictures
  • making fun of Peter Crouch and Boumsong
  • Takign cheap shots at one another
  • writing junk that we usually talk about in the mamak stall
  • having fun BLOGGING (oh my!)
  • Watching too much football
  • playing fucking FUTSAL instead of playing FOOTBALL

Only IF we wanted to be taken seriously, that is...

Now, where's my Forest Green jersey?


In other news....

Wow, winning 3-1 even with ten men for most of the match. Scoring 18 goals in 4 matches. I'm so ashamed of supporting Liverpool right now.

Damn that Stevie G red card. Alonso was brilliant though.

March 24, 2006


I have a feeling that until April 22 or 23, Tigerjoe and I are probably gonna be really quiet...

Why? Because of fear of karma, that's why.
Because of THIS, that's why.

But then again, April 22/23 is still far away. or Maybe if we take potshots at each other in the mean time, we might be able to even out the karma. Though that would mean a 0-0 draw and penalties, maybe. Not good.

Gah, Why couldn't it have been Charlton, Boro or West Ham???

March 23, 2006


I've just realised how people call Liverpool the team of the 70's and 80's and people call Manyoo the team of the 90's. Supposedly we are in decline and hence would never be the team of the new millenium.

But thinking about it, we've won 3 league titles - in 2000, 2001 and 2003 (and soon to be 2006). Arsenal have only won 2 (2002 & 2004), Chelsea have won one (2005). So actually, we are STILL the team of the new millenium.

And actually, thinking back, a lot of things happened in 1990 :

Personally, I had just started Standard 1.

Politically, they released Nelson Mandela from prison, tore down the Berlin Wall and Margaret Tatcher resigned as the Prime Minister of the UK.

Technologically, the world wide web was launced.

Also, we were singing Vanilla Ice's ICE ICE BABY and New Kids on the Block's Step by Step and Julia Roberts played a whore in Pretty Woman.

Most importantly it was the year in which Liverpool last won the league.

March 22, 2006

fook that shite

I couldn't sleep last night, so I thought perhaps I'd stay up and watch the Scousers lose to a resurgent Birmingham City FC.

I made a whole pot of coffee whilst Paul Masefield and Andrew Leci were going through the pre-match stuff. I sat down just as the buggers kicked-off. The match was over by the fifth minute, as I was taking my first sip of coffee. Fook that shite.

Birmingham played like a bunch of girls last night. Although I have to say I've seen girls who are tougher than last night's Birmingham line-up. I mean, how bad does it get when the biggest poofter on Merseyside can outmuscle a bigger-sized defender to score Liverpool's third?

Fook that shite. I demand to know why Birmingham are in the premiership.


I just found out who will officiate tonight's quarter-final at Stamford Bridge. Care to take a guess?

None other than the one and only Steve "Fooking" Bennett. Fook that shite.



Premiership opposition? What Premiership opposition?

Match fatigue? What match fatigue?

Striker crisis? What striker crisis?

March 21, 2006

HantuBola Poll

Which team will finish 4th in the EPL this season? This poll will run for about a week or so.

Create polls and vote for free.

I foresee the popular vote going to Arsenal. I am a betting man though, and I'm putting money on Bolton Wanderers.

Big Sam has got two games in hand over his rivals, and the current top four teams still have to play one match each against the Northeast Veterans. Plus Bolton still have two games to play against Birmingham, and one each against WBA and Boro.

Yes, yes; this may come as a shock to some, but I reckon people should be ready to see a bunch of old duffers playing in the Champions League next season.


Comedy Club Eh?

Woit!!! A few days away from the PC and this happens? Through no fault of my own, you see, as I was flying at 900 km/h in a little tin aluminium cylindrical tube, sitting in a cramped little seat, next to a goatish-smelling orang putih who kept invading my territory with his fat, pudgy arms. Have you noticed that all of them smell the same? They smell like goats! They say all Asians look alike to them, so I think it is only fair game to state that they all smell alike, that is, like goats. Okay, back to my rambling... Err... Where was I? Oh yes, sitting in a cramped little good-for-nothing seat where you cannot sleep properly (despite the fact that the flight took 13.5 hours), cannot feel comfortable no matter what position and space so tight that you feel that the blood circulation to your nuts are cut off. If I become sterile, I am suing MAS.

Also, give me a chance to get over my jet lag first, la.

Anyway, back to my Comedy Club. Let me ask you guys this question.

Is Newcastle United NOT entertaining?

Haha. Though you'd say that. My Comedy Club is the only club where:
1. Teammates can end up fighting one another and had to be separated by players from the opposing team. And how did they fight? Like girls, with scratching motions.
2. Little runtish strikers with foul mouths had to be grabbed by the throat by the manager. Man, I would love to see that fucking Bellamy choke-slammed and given the last ride by the Undertaker.
3. Manager was so old that he forgot his players' names. There are rumours that he is coaching Ireland at the moment, so I don't know what that means for the Irish. Man, do they need more four-leafed clovers and leprechauns over there.
4. Chairman is so fat and ugly that no one uses Your Momma jokes on his mother but on him.
Hey, I would take and accept all my club's weaknesses because I know in my heart that there is only one NUFC. No other club entertains like mine. I have to admit that we entertained the opposition fans on many occassions with our comical defending.
At least we don't do this:
1. Pass the ball around the midfield and hope that Lampard scores. Once he does, play keep ball until time is up.
2. Pass the ball to that cunt C. Ronaldo and hope that he trips over himself in the penalty box AND get a penalty.
3. Ping crosses at the bean pole and hope that somehow he manages to stand still and not flinch when the ball is coming at him.
AND, we try to play football. Porous and fucking lousy defence be damned! We are a football team, and we PLAY football. Arsenal has my respect. Their brand of flowing football is the stuff of legends.

March 20, 2006

a bold prediction

I am going all out to say it..

Fuck karma.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the odds.

Fuck the laughter when it comes.

Fuck it...Manchester United is going to win the league this season.

Just you wait and see.


Now we have to wait for one extra week. Fook.

March 19, 2006

So.... Kalau Pool Kayu, Toon itu apa? (Part Two)

After my last post where Antyyk took a poke at Liverpool and I bit back, this was what Tigerjoe commented:

Apparently some people aren't too concerned with karma biting them in the backside.I'll have a go at the Toon after the 22nd of this month. :P

Dude, I say, by all means, have a go at them now. Heh. Though to be fair, you are right. karma does suck.

After all, when someone decides to have a cheap shot like THIS:

Liberbull 5 - Full of Ham 1, Wah lau! World ending issit? God-with-a-nose-plaster-thingy scored. Fecking kayu Crouchy scored (though he cheated a bit). Mou-lun-entes scored! Okay, I can't resist. I have to say it: LIVERPOOL KAYU!!!

and his team ends up being on the wrong end of a 3-1 AT HOME; the ever-reliable funnyman Boumsong gets a bright little red cardboard award for Best Comedy Defending Routine; and their team captain tries to raise a few chuckles in the end with his lawak-dua-puluh-sen of trying to punch a hole through a defensive wall by running headlong into it... well, you really have to say that karma REALLY DOES SUCK.

BUAHAHA! Scoring crisis? What scoring crisis? Even that bloody useless CISSE got on the scoresheet, for gods sake! It really is the end of the world!!

So, as it is, I'm still waiting for an answer to this question:


March 17, 2006

Should Steven Gerrard Shut Up?

Right after losing to Benfica, Gerrard suggested that the answer to Liverpool's goalscoring problems is deceptively simple : Michael Owen.

At Gary Macallister's wife's funeral, he allowed himself to be interviewed and here is an excerpt from the article :

Gerrard explains: “I’ve got confidence in Peter Crouch, but to get the best out of him, he needs to play alongside a prolific scorer. Peter has never been prolific and I don’t think he’s ever going to be. He’s a target man; you’ll only get maximum benefit out of him if you play him alongside a prolific partner, and we haven’t got one. We’re desperate for one. I’m not going to sit here and disguise the fact that we need a poacher.”

No prizes for guessing the predator he has in mind — the one who joined Newcastle when he left Real Madrid last summer. “I know Michael Owen wanted to come here,” Gerrard says. “I’ve got a good enough relationship with him to know that. We speak regularly and I know what Michael’s feelings were. He wanted to come back and play for Liverpool. The fact that he’s not here now is down to Liverpool not making it happen, rather than Michael not wanting to come.

“It’s difficult for me to say what difference he might have made the other night, but Michael Owen scores goals. Domestically, in Europe and at international level, he has proved that. He’s a great player. Someone asked me in the interviews after the game on Wednesday if I’d like him back, which is a silly question. He’s a world-class player and one I love playing with. Of course I’d love to have him back. I was disappointed when he didn’t come, and so were the rest of the lads, because we all knew he’d have improved us, but it was a tricky situation. Michael was desperate to get away from Real quickly. If he’d given it a bit more time, I think he would have been a Liverpool player again.”

Might he still be? “Who knows what the future holds?” Gerrard says.

In my humble opinion, I actually feel that he's gone a bit too far.

As much as I would LOVE to see Michael Owen back in a red shirt and scoring goals for us again, it is also too easy to overlook certain issues.

Owen has 3 years left on his contract with Newcastle. He has made 10 appearances for the Magpies so far, and has gotten 7 goals. He has been injured for the rest of the time and does not deserve a fraction of his ridiculously high salary that he continues to get every week. Gerrard re-highlighting the fact that Owen never wanted to go to Newcastle in the first place means that it has driven Owen to come up with more embellishments about how happy he is at Newcastle.

Nobody ever said that life was fair. But it would be extremely unfair for Owen to be leaving after making less than 20 appearances and scoring maybe 10 goals or so (if he recovers his sharpness in time) after Newcastle paid over 17 mil for him, and then just leave like that.

So why is Steven Gerrard encouraging him to do exactly that? Why is Gerrard trying to unsettle Owen, and worse of all, the Newcastle players?

Also, it has been claimed that the only reason why Rafa didn't go for Owen was because the board wanted it more than he did, which meant that they might not have much left to buy players to fill in positions that needed to be filled more urgently. The players they never ended up buying and whose shadows I still cannot detect anywhere near Anfield ANYWAY! As I can only rely on my very reliable source and do not know Rafa or anyone associated with Liverpool FC well enough, I don't know how true or untrue that claim is, as I've heard more than enough claims to fill the Pacific Ocean.

But obviously (and I know that this post will elicit a LOT of bitter responses from certain Liverpool fans), and as I've been led to believe, since Liverpool didn't make much of an effort to bring Owen back last summer, why would it be any different this summer? Rafa made it very clear that he wanted to procure the services of a striker like Crouch, and that he doesn't like to have star players who score 20+ goals and then leave the club languishing in 4th or 5th, in his team. That means he clearly does not want Owen no matter how great he thinks he is, or how nice he thinks he is, which he continuously stressed on last summer.

Then, there is also the question of his price.

Freddy Shepard vehemently denied that there is a clause in Owen's contract which would let him leave for 12 mil. Well, obviously he wouldn't want people to believe that great players think of Newcastle only as a stop-gap measure, a temporary situation, but rather as some great club which they would want to spend the rest of their careers playing for. But I highly doubt that anyone (unless you're a deluded Newcastle fan who is contributing to the extraordinarily shocking riches which the club enjoys and is splashing in the wrong way!) in their right mind would think that someone like Michael Owen who left Liverpool to enjoy success would want to go to a club like Newcastle where there is more of a chance for Rio Ferdinand to become the top scorer of the League, than for Newcastle to actually be competing for major honours, (Though they still have a chance in the FA Cup so maybe I shouldn't be saying that YET.) to be staying there for the next 10 years RIGHT?

And I've also heard that the fact that Souness has been sacked conveniently makes it even easier for Owen to leave because there is apparently some clause in his contract which I do not completely understand, which implies that he can leave if the manager is sacked. He can also leave if they don't qualify for Europe, which looks quite likely. And obviously, if they get relegated. [Seriously, it's apparently written in the clause! So don't ask me!]


I don't really get the point of me typing this post. Just typed it out because I haven't posted in a long long time and because well, I feel that Stevie G shouldn't be taking matters into his own hands too soon. And also, because I think that Owen shouldn't leave Newcastle YET...even though I really want him to come back to Liverpool. It just doesn't feel right. Also, because I don't think it's fair to the Newcastle fans, even though he really should have never gone there in the first place. Also, because I felt like ranting.

Kalau Pool Kayu, Toon itu apa?

I have to say that to hear 'Liverpool Kayu' from a TOON fan, who supports a team that:
  • have won fuck all in the past few decades
  • have changed managers more often than David Beckham has changed hairstyles
  • Don't even have a proper manager right now
  • have first choice defenders called Boumsong and Titus Bramble
  • Have more street fighting thugs on the team than Blackburn
really made me chuckle. Ok, guffawed. Just a little bit.

Oh wait, we're playing the Comedy Club at St Jame's Parking Lot this weekend? Wow. Let's not make fun of the Toon. In case St. Owen scores against us. Oh wait, he's injured. Doo di doo...

A Little Help From The 12th Man

Pic received from Tenacious T. Source - somewhere on the web.

March 16, 2006


Unbelievable stuff when I woke up this morning. As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I was confronted with news from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle. The paper is reputed to be in bed, playing hide the salami with the fat git who runs things at my Comedy Club. What's this I see? Hah? Freddy 'Fat Git' Shepherd wants to buy the Horse Faced One from Manure? I can see that there will be much rejoicing in the North East and also the 'Indian' suburbs of Greater Manchester. Hahaha...

For more amazement, see here.

Also, take a look at this:

Liberbull 5 - Full of Ham 1

Wah lau! World ending issit? God-with-a-nose-plaster-thingy scored. Fecking kayu Crouchy scored (though he cheated a bit). Mou-lun-entes scored! Okay, I can't resist. I have to say it: LIVERPOOL KAYU!!!

Even Middlesborough made it past Roma.


March 15, 2006

a quickie contest

Check out the photo of the week, and come up with a caption for it. The bestest (i.e. funniest and most original) caption, as determined by the panel of judges, wins two pints of the winner's favourite beverage. Not one baby, but two pints.

To enter, simply leave your entry in the comments box.

This contest will run until Sunday 19th March 2006, and the winner will be announced some time next week.


March 14, 2006

Goal of the Week

Without a doubt, the bestest goal of last weekend has to be the one whacked in by William Gallas at Stamford Bridge.

Willie may not be everyone's idea of a football idol, but he's a fucking superstar in my books. Possibly the most under-rated player in the Chelsea squad at the moment.

You can download the instant replay of that beauty here.


[Photo and vid link taken from The Chelsea Blog]

March 13, 2006

Total Ineptitude

Mother's Smelly Shoe!!! It's not the scoreline that irritates me:

Man-Glazer United 2 - The Toon 0

It's the manner in which we sat back and let the barrel chested Butch Cassidy lookalike run the show. Too our credit, we did try our best to help the little bugger score a hattrick.


Fuck it, we should all sign book deals.

March 12, 2006

Booker Wayne Gunning for Pulitzer!

I'd wanted to put this post on my personal blog, but since I'd already posted a Football + Books post there a few days ago, I figured I'll put this one here instead.

Besides, news like this deserves the larger football-watching blog-readership that Hantu Bola commands:

My first 249 months by W Rooney

Everyone knows Wayne Rooney has a way with words. Usually very short ones, consisting mainly of asterisks, like this recent verbal sally aimed at a Premiership referee and faithfully recorded by the tabloids: "You f***ing t*** ... you're a f***ing disgrace." Now the England and Manchester United star will have to find about 500,000 more words to fulfil the biggest deal in the history of sports publishing - a £5m advance from HarperCollins for a five-volume autobiography over the next 12 years.

Wow. FIVE books. JK Rowling must be so proud.

So, what's he gonna write (or ask people to write) in it? Well, putting pictures like THIS:

(My my, look at those sexy legs)

Would definitely guarantee a good laugh. After all, a little bit of humour in a book never hurts, eh?

Oh, and a detailed account of that fling with that granny hooker would probably guarantee a bestseller as well, though it would probably be rather inappropriate for his fellow Harry Potter fans.

But that's not all, apparently, his fiancee is writing a book on FASHION AND LIFESTYLE:

It may also become a family arrangement with rumours that Ms McLoughlin, 19, is planning a Christmas book about fashion and lifestyle.

Imagine, THIS 19-year-old:

Will be writing a BOOK to teach all teenage footballer-wife wannabes how to dress up!

Victoria Beckham would be so proud. Oh wait. Victoria Beckham doesn't READ books.

And what's more, other players are contemplating book deals too:

There will be competition too, with at least five other England squad players contemplating World Cup book deals.

Hmmm... What next can we see on the bookshelves besides Wayne Rooney's tome, the Harry Potter equivalent of Sports publishing?

Lemme see:

1) The Past Three Weeks of My Life (By David Beckham)
2) Staying Fit and Free From Cards (by Frank Lampard)
3) Cats and Dogging (by Stan Collymore)
4) How To Con the England Manager (by Peter Crouch)
5) How to Con England (By Sven Sen Sen)
6) 101 Useful Excuses For Not Peeing (by Rio Ferdinand)
7) How I Taught My Mom to Read (by Brooklyn Beckham)
8) Bright Lights, Gay Orgies (by Ashley cole)
9) Curing Insomnia (by Steve McLaren)
10) The Lord of The Whinge (by Jose Mourinho)
11) Coping with Blindness in the Dugout (by Arsene Wenger)
12) I just Love It! (by Kevin Keegan)
13) Spanish for Dummies (by Michael Owen)
14) Get Paid For Wasting Time! (by Winston Bogarde)

Will add more if I think of more. :D

March 09, 2006

Marilah Mengundi AHSEHNAL

Now that we're out, I absolutely want the Gooners to win the CL.

Just to piss off Mourinho, ya know.

"See, Liverpool got 5, ManU got 2, now itu non-issue pun ada 1... mana lu punya, Mr Bags O' Money?"

Yeah, yeah, it's all history... but without history, what have ya got? 11 poncers dancing around a white ball on cold rainy days, which they repeat every year. That's what.

History is what the players aim to create. Just because a certain club doesn't have too much of it doesn't mean its supporters should just pooh-pooh the past way.

Respect our history - and we'll respect your present. Let the future sort itself out.

International Federation of Red Cross Societies

International Federation programmes assist the world's most vulnerable people. Our activities, which are funded by appeals, focus on health, disaster management and promoting humanitarian principles and values.

In light of the appaling and degrading situation facing certain red-haired hub cap nickers living near the district of Anfield in Liverpool, we are appealing for donations.

You may donate either to the National Society in your country, or to the International Federation directly.

We guarantee that the monies donated will be utilised effectively.

a lesson learnt

Karma is like a bitch on PMS, innit?

I have no further comments to make. Let the Gooners have their day.

Fuck off.

Laugh it up, funny boys.

Traore can go and fucking HANG himself

Crouch can go and fucking chop his head off.

Morientes can fucking go and pack his bags.

Fuck off. I don't wanna talk about it.

March 08, 2006

In your FACE, Mourinho!

Note to Chelsea fans - nope, i have nothing against you and your team, only against your bonehead publicity whore manager, Mourinho.

Right. Chelsea are out of the Champions League. Bwahahaha.... Serves that arrogant Mourinho right. Now you can go home can count the number of games to your precious EPL trophy...

Anyways, some things the Barca fans overhead Mourinho saying just after the match...

"No, I did NOT intend to win ze match... Zer referee is blind and out to rob us of our victory, so I have succeeded to achieve what I wanted to..."

"Hello? Roman? I need to talk to you... Are you going to up the bid for Eto'o? I zon't care, pay 52million! I bloody need zat player next zeason!!! I zon't care, i can loan out Drogba to Portsmouth..."

"... mumble, mumble, mumble... won it before... #$&#^@ (Portuguese profanity)... FC Porto... mumble, grumble, mumble... stupid Ronaldinho..."

"Stupid Champions League!! Dammit! I knew I should have tried to win ze blardy Carling Cup..."

"Hmmm... let me think.. tomorrow should I blame UEFA for ze defeat? Or the referee? No, no, no... i've used the 'referee' excuse too many times... zon't want to sound like zat iziot Ferguson... or should i blame Lamps...? Hmmm... zounds plauzible..."

Anybody else wanna help him out?

time to slaughter chickens

UPDATE: Fuck. Getting a princess to wear a Barca jersey didn't work. Perhaps I should have bought ori, instead of some Petaling Street knock-off. Macam sial.

Chelsea need to score at least two goals and win the match at Nou Camp tonight.

Historical statistics are against the Blues, but then again history means nothing. This is the Champions League after all, and champions don't win titles solely on the basis of history. Just ask ManYoo and Arsenal if history has helped any of those teams.

Still, tonight is going to be a big ask for Chelsea. Prayers alone might not be sufficient. I'm thinking of slaughtering three chickens before kick-off later. One for each goal that Chelsea need, plus a third for more luck. If there's time, I'll make a voodoo doll of Ronaldinho. Perhaps Eyeris will donate a recently pulled tooth, so that I can make the doll more realistic.

Still can't find a Barca fan based in KL though.



What do you think Robbo is trying to tell Mourinho in this photo?

Perhaps Robbo is doing his impression of Ronaldinho, just to remind Jose that Chelsea have a match in midweek. *phbbbttt*

I've been smacked ...

.... by eyeris on my blog for not updating on Hantu Bola often enough. Actually, it's not because I don't want to but hot damn, most of the peeps on this blog got Astro and what shit. Probably has the computer on while watching footie. By the time I want to blog about something, someone's beaten me to it. WTF.

Somebody found out the hard way that where Liverpool is concerned, we do no wrong. By no wrong, I mean:


I don't care how much you think your issues are worthy for whatever reason. Liverpool is the pwn. So don't argue with me. Period.

*More so if I am about to have MY period*

So don't come bitch to me about how you think that Peter Crouch sucks. Or how you don't like Traore. Everyone have off days. Whatever it is, our worst players are still better then whoever you think kicks ass on your team.

Stop browbeating the scousers. We rock. So there.

March 07, 2006

The Hantu Bola Files (a.k.a. Hantu Bola Wants You!)

If you've been following this blog for the past week, you'll have noticed two new names in the list of contributers in the sidebar.

Yup, welcome Simon (of fame), who is our second Gooner contributer; and Anttyk (, the first NEWCASTLE COMEDY CLUB contributer on the blog. Give them a warm welcome, folks!

Ok, now that the newest members have been introduced, and with the team growing bigger and bigger, I reckon a reintroduction of the contributers is in order. You know, just to give first-comers a catch-up lesson, and a chance for us to whore our blogs a bit (after all, this blog gets more hits than my personal one! dammit).

Here we go then...


The Head Hantus:

Allegience: Manchester United
Description: Token obnoxious Man Utd fan. Blessed with the ability to piss more people off than the rest of us combined. Probably one of our best writer of insults. After all, what's a football blog without a few choice insults every now and then?

Allegience: Chelsea
Description: Resident Smug Chelsea Fan. Prays a lot, and always asks the rest of us out to watch football with him in some pub just so he can gloat when Chelsea win again. Shags fans of opposing team for luck.

Allegience: Liverpool
Description: Me. Add token Liverpool fan joke here.

Allegience: Liverpool
Description: If you look closely at the list in the sidebar, you'll see this mystery dude's name in there. Now, who is this mysterious 'Kakibangku'? He has not had ONE post in the blog at all! Well, the only reason why we haven't kicked kakibangku out of the blog yet is because it was HIS idea to start this blog in the first place, after a chance conversation some time back.

So you could say that his place in the list is sort of.. er... 'Honorary'. Sorta like how a certain minister got to stay in his post because he was the president of a certain party, and not because he did anything useful.


The Hantu-hantu

Allegience: Liverpool
Description: One of our earliest and most active contributers. For some reason or another, I always seem to end up adding footnotes to his posts, most of the time ones that are completely irrelevant to the post in the first place.

S-Kay & Naz
Allegience: Arsenal
Description: Our only double team in the list, and for a while, our ONLY Arsenal-supporting contributers. S-Kay's a blogger, Naz is her.. er.. Gunner Partner. S-Kay recently took a hiatus from her OWN blog though (Yeah, supporting non-issues can have that effect on you), but hopefully that doesn't include THIS blog...

Allegience: Liverpool
Description: SCORKES. Yes Scorkes. Don't ask me what it means. Go ask her. One of TWO (yes, TWO) female Liverpool supporters in the list. Bellydances too!

Allegience: Liverpool
Description: The only member who was initially rejected, but accepted later. I made the call because I liked her letter to Michael Owen. No, the fact that she's ANOTHER Liverpool fan AND she's a girl did not affect the decision...

Allegience: Arsenal
Description: Well-known blogger who unfortunately supports a non-issue. The Gunners had their day in the sun, bro. Time to move aside, dude...

Allegience: Newcastle United
Description: I have to admit. We added Antyyk because we wanted someone from Newcastle Comedy Club to make fun of. When tigerjoe gave him the initiation test and told him to make it as funny and hardcore as possible, he came up with an SPM karangan instead. Was given a second chance to resit the er... exam, and passed.


Now that you know eveyrone (well, sort of), do YOU want to be part of the team?

The truth is, we're not setting a limit to how many people can contribute to the blog. After all, we operate on the policy that the more people the merrier.

Of course, because we already have so many Liverpool supporters in the team, we'd prefer not to add anymore Liverpool contributers (unless you can PROVE that we'd be damn fools NOT to add you into the team).

Vince is currently outnumbered, and needs more Man United supporters to back him up when we gang up on him. Tigerjoe may be the sole Chelsea supporter right now, but since he seems to be doing fine on his own, we'll leave THAT ship alone (though Chelsea fans are still welcomed to apply).

To apply, follow these steps:

1) email either me, Vincent or Tigerjoe

2) In that email, state your name, blog, and allegience

3) Once we get your email, one of us will email you an 'initiation test' to see how hardcore a fan you are, how well or funny you write, to test your football knowledge, and in the case of girls, to see if you're not watching football just because of the cute guys.

4) Answer the test best as you can. ANYTHING goes, and remember, the LAST thing we need is a serious answer choke full with FACTS, STATS, HISTORY yada yada yada. We want FANS, we want REFEREE KAYU chants, CUSSES, and INSULTS. It's not a SERIOUS football blog, folks.

5) once we get your test, the three of us will vote American Idol-like, to see if you passed. In some cases, we might give yo ua second chance.

Strict or not? Well, that's the whole FUN of it all. it's not supposed to be SERIOUS. it's supposed to be FUN. Way I see it, if you're thinking too much while posting on this blog, you might as well go blog in your own site, right?

Oh, and we also welcome supportters of clubs OUTSIDE the EPL.

So what ya waiting for? Hantu Bola wants YOU!

It's Hot Bloody Football Outside

Ok, I'm gonna rant today because the weather is hot and watching people play football when you're sweating like you've never sweat before is NO FUN. Read N-O F-U-N. Imagine watching your favourite team score and the man in front of you suddenly flings his arms back and all his sweat drops end up flying into your mouth while you shout, "Yay!!!" with your mouth wide open (obviously). Bugger.

p/s : No, I didn't watch football in the afternoon heat (I'm not insane) but it reminded me of Malaysia Cup 2005 (I enjoyed being there, so shut up). Btw, a Malaysian company is in charged of making the seats for Arsenal's new stadium. If only Naz can make them his customer and psycho them into giving us free tickets to any of the games (if they actually have free tickets).

This week, I'm gonna stay up to watch Chelsea play (so they can lose) and Arsenal (so they WILL win). I wonder if dear Joe Rodrigo shagged anyone supporting the opposing team already.

Real Madrid buying Fab-the-Fab? Bodoh sial. Lame tactic to psycho people before the coming match.

This is lame. What a pointless post. Naz thinks that I'm mad.

March 05, 2006

Premiership's Top 5 Losers

Firstly, an introduction. My name is anttyk and I am the latest addition to Hantubola. The main reason I am here, based on Eyeris and Vincent, is to take abuse from you guys as a Newcastle fan. A little warning though, as I will boil your bottoms, fart in your general direction and call your mother a hamster should you cross me! Ha.

Listed below are the five worst players in the premiership. Please note that the results are derived through a detailed empirical, statistical and technical analysis that is unbiased, objective and complete. In short, don’t argue with me. Hah!

At number five is the ever impotent Peter Crouch. It would be better to just stick a lamppost in the six yard box, and even then, the lamppost would get more shots on target than Crouchy. All you need to do is get Riise, Kewell and Gerrard to ping crosses at the lamppost. El Liverpool would win the premiership next season should they use this method. Benitez, are you reading this?

By the way, nice pants Crouchy. Steal them off Xabi Alonso?

Arsenal fans who think that the doofus shaped Pascal Cygan is crap apparently have not seen Jean Alain Boumsong play (or try to play for that matter). At number four, Boomsong redefines the word doofus and is hereby crowned the King of Doofuses. His loyal subjects being Cygan and the entire Sunderland team.

Opps! I fell down again. Klutz.

Robbie Savage comes in at number three. Has absolutely no talent at all – makes it up by sheer nastiness on the pitch. There must be dozens of players in the premiership sporting Savage’s stud marks on their millionaire shins.

Why can’t we be friends? Savage looks like a rat from certain angles.

The runner-up medal goes to Arjen ‘Robber’ Robben. Chelski’s win over the red scouse team recently was marred not by the handbags which usually accompanied top of the table clashes, but by Robben’s tragic attempt at acting. Touch his cheek and down he goes, as if hit by a pile of bricks. Out comes the referees card, and *ding!*, he is cured. It’s a miracle, I tell you.

Fortunately, life is fair... Well, sometimes. What goes around, comes around Mr Mourinho.

Not long after, in a key Champion’s League match, Chelski lost The Horny to a red card when Messi of Barcelona did a ‘Robben’ on them. The special one was ranting and ranting till his face colour resembled his team’s jersey. Ha ha ha.

Fight, fight, fight. Sissy boy.

However, at the end of the day, the only player who can incur the wrath of millions around the footballing world is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo. We all fart in his general direction.

Fucking incapable of making decent crosses. Trips on thin air. But, I have to concede, he is better at cheating than Robber.

One word comes to mind.


Oh… I think I need to crap. Fucking piles.

Crouch is fucking KAYU

I've said this before and I'll say it again.


I don't fucking care what Benitez, or Sven Sen Sen says about him giving the team 'a different approach' or what people say about him being a 'big lad with a good touch", or even that he draws defenders to him, HE FUCKING SUCKS.


1) He can't head the ball for nuts. For fucks sake, CISSE had more headers on target than Crouch did, and Cisse wasn't even having a particularly good game in the first place. Even that short-stop Luis Garcia can score better with his head than that bloody zirafah.

Because Crouch is so fucking tall, all the crosses pinged into the area have to be either targeted at his head (in which case, if he misses, no one else will be able to get them, because the ball is so fucking high), or to cater to the OTHER players as well, they have to be aimed at his NECK.

The bloody beanpole should just bloody learn to score with his NECK from now on. At least if he misses, others will get a chance to head the ball.

2) The ball KEEPS GETTING STUCK BETWEEN HIS LEGS. Never mind the 'good touch', everytime he tries to dribble pass a defender, his legs get tangled up with the ball. It's like he wants to add an extra ball to himself... It happened so many times against Charlton it's not funny anymore.

3) when he plays, Liverpool just fucking play long balls to him and wait for knockdowns. If he doens't win the header (meaning, some defender decided to shove that stick aside and get the ball instead), we lose the fucking ball. It happened so many times against Charlton it's not funny anymore.

4) He has ZERO pace. For a giraffe, this dude seems pretty darn SLOW. He can't even get to balls in the PENALTY BOX in time, for fuck's sake. Besides, even if he DID have speed, he is so fucking tall that defenders could probably use him as marker to spring their offside trap (Is the line straight? Oh, I see the lamppost behind us, so it's alright then)

For fuck's sake, the only way I'll ever BEGIN to like Peter Crouch is if he starts scoring like, EVERY GAME for the next few seasons and starts heading balls properly without falling over all the time. For now, everytime I see Crouch on the field, my heart sinks more than when I see Traore on the field. No wait. I hate seeing Traore on the field more than Crouch. At least Crouch doesn't have the concentration and attention span of a dung beetle in Zoo Negara's elephant pens.

March 03, 2006

The Cups

This was just too funny to pass up - once again credits to KopTalk and Tenacious T for sending me the link...

His cup runneth over

Liverpool's cup and MU's cup


Footnote by eyeris: Sorry dude, I took out the last paragraph on Osgood because it didn't feel appropriate to be using the passing of a club's football legend to mock the club's fans. Hope ya understand, dude)

March 02, 2006

just so you know

Since we started this blog, we've had a lot of applications to write with us. That is all very cool guys, and we thank you. We are always looking for writers who support any team. Oh, except Liverpool, because frankly we have too many scums around, and I sometimes get bored of constantly taunting them (and winning).

However, just so you know, Eyeris, TigerJoe and I decided that the oomph factor that drives this blog is the humour. Sure, serious posts are okay but we can get serious stuffs everywhere. What makes this blog unique are posts like this, and the constant taunting like this and this.

That, my friends, is the spirit of the Hantubola ghost.

Arsenal's Season of Discontent

Right. This is Simon, the new Hantubola nutcase contributor. I’m supposed to be writing about Arsenal. Yeah, I know there are two other Gooner contributors, S-Kay and Naz, but since we’re doing pretty crummy in the league this season, I reckon we need more people to rant…so…

I’m kinda wary of watching the Gunners these days, especially on away games. Because they play pretty badly at the moment. I've heard a lot of talk as to why this has happened... to point where its getting kind of tedious to hear it over and over again... I’ve listed down some of the popular theories why the Gunners have struggled (and pretty much why getting fourth place is a going to be big big problem...). So here we go:

They struggled to replace Patrick Vieira in the midfield.
(Well, Roy Keane looked like shite in the maroon Arsenal jersey, like an over-enthusiastic butcher or something like that… so they declined to hire him… Besides, Wenger can’t afford to pay 60,000 pounds a week for someone to slag his own teammates… only a big club can do that… like… Celtic?)

They can’t against play against physical teams like Everton and Bolton who rough them up.
(No correction, they can’t play against teams that play 9 defenders and one striker and who are more interested to break their opponents’ ankles…)

They are too dependent on Henry. All the other strikers are not up to mark.
(Ok, fine this one is quite true. Oddly enough, Adebayor went to the African Nation's Cup for a few days, Robin van Persie and Antonio Reyes might get to go to Germany 2006. Bergkamp, well, he’s going to the Bahamas for the summer… by boat... Walcott will watching the World Cup from a pub somewhere in North London)

They don’t have depth in their squad/their squad is too thin/They only have 1 world-class and 10 good players
(Hmm…. Maybe we should spend like Leeds did back then… yeah remember that? 6 top strikers fighting for 2 slots. Well, I suppose Arsenal is little like some of us. Save all the money and buy the big house of your dreams, then only use the extra money to buy other stuff… like, I dunno, another leftback… Maybe another Russian millionaire / American magnate might want to sponsor us…)

Wenger expects too much by fielding teenagers and Under-23 players.
(Again, I’d have to say is true. But that says something, innit? Playing in the CL and top of the EPL with teenagers and U-23 players?)

Jens Lehmann talks too much. And gets riled too easily by the opposing strikers.
(Agree on both counts. He hates to get his hair ruffled. Next.)

Arsenal can only play well in that small patch of grass they call Highbury.
(Not true. They can also play well in that other patch of grass called San Bernabeu.)

Wenger has no sense of humour.
(What do you expect? His red tie is always tied too tight, and he’s always pissed off while on the bench because Pat Rice keeps calling him ‘Mr. Wrinkles’.)

They have Cygan-shaped doofus defender falling all about.
(True. But Cygan's French. And Wenger likes French players. Except Cantona. And Wiltord.)

Rafa and The Judge: French writer makes audacious claim

I was alerted today to this piece of news on KopTalk by fellow LFC supporter TenaciousT:

Liverpool destroying Cisse's career for financial gain

Speaking on France Bleu this week, Jean-Jacques Florent suggested that Djibril Cisse wasn't figuring at Anfield because if he exceeds a set number of appearances, a payment clause relating to his transfer from Auxerre would be triggered.

Florent said: "It is not good how Liverpool are destroying this man. It is money, that is the cause and Auxerre do not want to be ignored.

"His coach maybe does not like what he can do or feels he can not play him because of certain conditions.

"Cisse will leave Liverpool at the end of the championship (season)."

I agree with that last line, but the rest of it sounds very wishy-washy.
However, I'd want to see a swift rebuttal and the threat of a lawsuit to come from Liverpool FC if they want this story shot down, otherwise we the fans would probably be having some "hmm, i wonder..." thoughts.

Everybody HATES Chelski

OK, maybe not everybody...

...just the vast majority of football supporters... including, apparently, some die-hard Chelsea supporters themselves.

Self-loathing strikes the King's Road Loadsamoneys

At least, Chelsea self-haters won't find themselves short of fellow flagellators. Last week Barcelona's Lionel Messi said: "There are players here who hate Chelsea more than Real Madrid." More than Real Madrid! Now that is going some. The reaction to last week's defeat against Barcelona was astonishing. It felt as if England had beaten Germany; as if Barcelona were both local club and underdog. Why? Because it was a victory for vision and adventure, a defeat for cynicism and conservatism.

Yes, it's OK to hate Chelsea - not that we needed any reason to in the first place...

Although, having said that, MU will always hold a special place in all scousers' hate-list. Now that's an honour not even Chelsea can buy... heh.

Time to steal some hubcaps. I feel a hankerin' for a Benz today...